Braced for stupid drama

[BrighterWashing]

Ok I have prettt much decided I am going to tell OWs husband and mother and parents-in-law and maybe some of her friends. H says why stir up drama just when she has no excuse to contact us. I say she's contacting us still without excuse every week and maybe she will wake up from her bubble of fantasy (whereby they work together occasionally as if nothing happened and be "friends") if she has to deal with the effect on her own life.

 

I realize she may go to war on me. I don't have anyone I'm afraid to tell or for her to tell. My boss knows and has been supportive. She went through this herself. My family is supportive and I've already told most of my friends.

 

I guess the one thing she could do is try to destroy Hs reputation but really he has to deal with that and it will ruin hers in the process. She got her job because of his reference - which would be worthless if people knew he was screwing her.

 

If she tried stalking us I would get a court order.

 

But I guess I should be braced for things I haven't anticipated. This is your chance to talk me out of it. Lay it on! Be polite please but candid.

[irin]

if she doesn't leave you alone then tell!

[whichwayisup]

I think telling her husband is enough. Telling her friends, her parents and other family members will cause drama and it'll make her go into revenge mode for sure.

 

If you do decide to tell her husband, BOTH you and your husband tell him together as a united front and be honest - Answer all his questions even if they aren't nice or comfortable.

 

I also think that your husband needs to talk to his boss about this, let him know what happened and own his part in the affair. Just to protect him, plus he owes his boss the truth, without bashing or throwing exMW under the bus. You two need to rise above the crap..if she reacts with venom, so be it.. She helped bring this on herself.

[Kidd]

Ok I have prettt much decided I am going to tell OWs husband and mother and parents-in-law and maybe some of her friends. H says why stir up drama just when she has no excuse to contact us. I say she's contacting us still without excuse every week and maybe she will wake up from her bubble of fantasy (whereby they work together occasionally as if nothing happened and be "friends") if she has to deal with the effect on her own life.

 

I realize she may go to war on me. I don't have anyone I'm afraid to tell or for her to tell. My boss knows and has been supportive. She went through this herself. My family is supportive and I've already told most of my friends.

 

I guess the one thing she could do is try to destroy Hs reputation but really he has to deal with that and it will ruin hers in the process. She got her job because of his reference - which would be worthless if people knew he was screwing her.

 

If she tried stalking us I would get a court order.

 

But I guess I should be braced for things I haven't anticipated. This is your chance to talk me out of it. Lay it on! Be polite please but candid.

 

I told the OMW. Best thing I ever did. She deserved to know. I then immediately told my Ws father (truly an attempt to say goodbye to inlaws that had always treated me well, assuming my W would lose it on me because I thought the A was ongoing). OM was my W's boss and I never outed them at her job, nor did I go any further than telling my own friends and family.

 

Even though my W is now divorcing me, I don't regret keeping it under wraps; this has to do with my own character and integrity. Revenge is not something I would be proud of. The only person I do regret telling is her father and while it wasn't motivated by revenge, it was still quite personally damaging to my W.

 

Just food for thought. Telling a BS because they deserve to know and may become an ally to end the A is one thing (or in this case, to end harrassment); telling the AP's family/friends is something else entirely (and not likely motivated by good intentions). You may well regret making decisions via emotions rather than via your brain. And yes, by going that far, you are inviting drama.

[Emme]

BrighterWashing, for every action there is a reaction.

 

Plan For The Best, Prepare For The Worst.

 

Good Luck.

[BrighterWashing]

Thanks Kidd. See I don't feel that telling her friends would be something I would feel guilty about. It might be "revenge" in a sense but why shouldn't I? I didn't invite this and she deserves it. Only reason for pause is what she might do to H. I am pretty sure she would rather I told friends then her H. They can be kept quiet by her but of he dumps her he might not be. If it gets out it will hurt H but would destroy her career.

 

Why do you regret telling her dad? I don't understand why hurting your W who is divorcing you anyway would bother you. I am certain that I will consider protecting H if ee're together but if we divorce all bets are off. I'm not risking anyone we know thinking this wasn't about his affair while I was pregnant.

 

I think telling not something to e done without careful thought. It's not so easy to contact her H. I don't have a phone or email for him. I do know his name.

 

Emme: yes I know. Not sure what the worst is though. And I resent that she has so far had zero reactions to her actions.

Edited March 18, 2012 by BrighterWashing

[KathyM]

Definately tell the OWs husband. He deserves to know the truth. It's an act of kindness. Most people would want to know if their spouse was cheating on them. Apart from that, I don't think it's helpful to anyone to tell others, and would be more of a revenge thing IMO.

[BrighterWashing]

Kathy I don't feel bad about revenge as long as its legal and I can stand the consequences. I would never condone criminal revenge but I think telling people is pretty damned mild. This is a woman who plotted to take my children before the youngest was born.

[KathyM]

Kathy I don't feel bad about revenge as long as its legal and I can stand the consequences. I would never condone criminal revenge but I think telling people is pretty damned mild. This is a woman who plotted to take my children before the youngest was born.

I can understand your anger with this woman, and wanting to take her down. My sister went through a lot with her husband who cheated on her twice. I guess I'm of the mindset of "need to know", meaning telling those who need to know (the spouse, who is unknowingly living a false marriage). By telling others, such as her parents, you inflict pain on them, and it's not really their fault what happened. Same thing with her friends, or whomever else is not directly involved. But do what you feel you have to do. No one could really blame you for that.

[Emme]

Not sure what the worst is though.

 

Well it depends on her mind set. Is this person thinking in their right mind. If you push someone to the edge where they feel they've lost it all there is no stopping them from reacting as though they have. The worse could be physical harm or death.

 

 

And I resent that she has so far had zero reactions to her actions.

 

She has had reactions. Just not the ones you wish she did.

[sad puppy]

Why in the world would you tell OW's mother and in laws? Why would you drag these people into this? You sound evil, pure evil.

[BrighterWashing]

Ok well physically I'm not scared of her. She is a toothpick and scared of the law. She was scared off by another wife (I now know) and didn't even make a report of that wife's minor criminal revenge.

 

It would be less upping the ante to her to tell others not her H. They would be expected to not tell him and therefore protect her. If he's told and he dumps her he would have no reason to protect her career so he might damage H and force us to move. That would also destroy her career completely as well as we marriage. I think if he had a choice shed rather face her family and friends.

 

 

But re her mother (who divorced a serial cheater) I would hope shed get some home truths. Though of course I wouldn't see them that's ok.

[BrighterWashing]

Why in the world would you tell OW's mother and in laws? Why would you drag these people into this? You sound evil, pure evil.

 

Rational actually. It would burst her little bubble of secrecy without risking Hs career. They are involved, they are encouraging her to move here. Her mother brought her up. Her father cheated and set the example. I don't see them as innocent. And really it doesn't do anything to them just like he emailing my BIL does nothing to him. It hurts her though.

 

Evil? Compared to? Compared to plotting to seduce a man knowing his wife is about to have a baby then going all gooey about motherhood to him? Compared to that kind of evil? Doesn't rare.

 

Evil would be saving it up to tell her 2 daughter web they are pregnant one day in 10-20years. Not that it hasn't crossed my mind but I hope I don't remember her name then and those girls are as innocent as my children do no I wouldn't do that.

Edited March 18, 2012 by BrighterWashing

[jwi71]

You certainly have a right to tell whomever you want, when you want and in the manner you want.

 

If you do go through with it, send undeniable proof. A simple email will NOT suffice - you must have proof, concrete proof not just circumstantial, that she was engaged in an A. Otherwise you will be painted as some crazy woman stalking her H.

 

Even though this is your decision and not your H's to make I would also suggest warning your H that you are going forward. He should be prepared for some angry calls.

 

Blow-back on you? Inconsequential at best if we are being reasonable. Your family will stay by your side and its likely most of your friends will as well - there is little to no downside I can see. However, being reasonable isn't something you can control. There is a possibility, which I believe to be very, very small, that her H may become violent. An even smaller one that the OW may become so.

 

Revenge and a desire to cause hurt are valid reasons for going forward. And there may be consequences if you do. Of course, there are consequences if you do not as well (her continued interference in your lives which is still ongoing).

 

Having said all of that...my reaction is...yes, go forward with it. It's what I would do (and in fact did, no real consequences for me)

[sad puppy]

You sound deranged, like a paranoid schizophrenic with your plot lines and conspiracy theories. You need psychiatric help. Read your last posting. There is seriously something wrong with you.

[whichwayisup]

Kathy I don't feel bad about revenge as long as its legal and I can stand the consequences. I would never condone criminal revenge but I think telling people is pretty damned mild. This is a woman who plotted to take my children before the youngest was born.

WTF - What do you mean she plotted to take your children away? That's bloody disguisting.

[Emme]

H says why stir up drama just when she has no excuse to contact us.

 

I say she's contacting us still without excuse every week and maybe she will wake up from her bubble of fantasy

 

(whereby they work together occasionally as if nothing happened and be "friends")

 

if she has to deal with the effect on her own life.

 

 

Define US? How is this woman still in contact with the both of you?

 

When you say US do you mean your husband? US means she wants to speak to you as well. If she is still contacting your husband that means he hasn't done his job. I'm sure you think he did but he didn't. Tell him stop being polite to her if they work together and tell her to f*ck off when she makes googly eyes. It's that simple.

[Ms. Red]

Kathy I don't feel bad about revenge as long as its legal and I can stand the consequences. I would never condone criminal revenge but I think telling people is pretty damned mild. This is a woman who plotted to take my children before the youngest was born.

 

That is some sick and twisted planning. Did she tell you this directly or did you get this info on hearsay?

[Kitsune77]

And making your marrige as good as it can be, and living a happy, loving life with your husband. I would recommend you DO not do this, this is from an OW/ BS perspective. You will come across as a bunny boiler. If she is still contacting you, and your husband and you are clear you want to be together, then as a united front, tell her that you will get a restarining order on her.

 

I know this is difficult, but put your mind back into building your marriage, and I can tell you, this isnt the way to do it.

 

Also have you thought through the ramifications of your husband loosing his job, the OW husband killing her, or potentially your husband?

 

take a deep breath, acknowlage your pain, and concentrate on what counts, your marriage.

 

Ok I have prettt much decided I am going to tell OWs husband and mother and parents-in-law and maybe some of her friends. H says why stir up drama just when she has no excuse to contact us. I say she's contacting us still without excuse every week and maybe she will wake up from her bubble of fantasy (whereby they work together occasionally as if nothing happened and be "friends") if she has to deal with the effect on her own life.

 

I realize she may go to war on me. I don't have anyone I'm afraid to tell or for her to tell. My boss knows and has been supportive. She went through this herself. My family is supportive and I've already told most of my friends.

 

I guess the one thing she could do is try to destroy Hs reputation but really he has to deal with that and it will ruin hers in the process. She got her job because of his reference - which would be worthless if people knew he was screwing her.

 

If she tried stalking us I would get a court order.

 

But I guess I should be braced for things I haven't anticipated. This is your chance to talk me out of it. Lay it on! Be polite please but candid.

[Lostinlife4now]

Oh Brighter Washing.... I don't know if this is a good idea. I am still wavering on telling xMM W but have not done it. I don't think I have the balls. Should she know...Hell Yes... He is walking around and living like he's "THE MAN" ....but my best revenge is to live a happy life without the scumbag.

 

 

You know that old saying...what you don't know doesn't hurt you!

 

Just think this through...Is she really worth it?

[bentnotbroken]

Why in the world would you tell OW's mother and in laws? Why would you drag these people into this? You sound evil, pure evil.

 

 

The drag of possible consequences started with the actions of those who screwed around. I don't necessarily believe telling her folks anything would anybody any good...except for the OP. It is OP's call and she is prepared for the consequences, OW should have been. Evil for some us started with the affair.

[bentnotbroken]

And making your marrige as good as it can be, and living a happy, loving life with your husband. I would recommend you DO not do this, this is from an OW/ BS perspective. You will come across as a bunny boiler. If she is still contacting you, and your husband and you are clear you want to be together, then as a united front, tell her that you will get a restarining order on her.

 

I know this is difficult, but put your mind back into building your marriage, and I can tell you, this isnt the way to do it.

 

Also have you thought through the ramifications of your husband loosing his job, the OW husband killing her, or potentially your husband?

 

take a deep breath, acknowlage your pain, and concentrate on what counts, your marriage.

 

 

I gave a flying fig how I came across by telling who I told. I did what I did for MY healing and however I was viewed was fine by me. Those who really knew me and the truth, knew I was not a bunny boiler, but I was hell on wheels in protection mode. I don't regret anything nor would I change it. If someone died because I told, then I feel that was on those who cheated.

[bentnotbroken]

You sound deranged, like a paranoid schizophrenic with your plot lines and conspiracy theories. You need psychiatric help. Read your last posting. There is seriously something wrong with you.

 

 

maybe it isn't him, but the glasses you use to read the post.

[frozensprouts]

brighter,

 

i know you are hurt and angry right now...many of us have been there

 

 

telling her husband is one thing. He deserves to know.

 

as for telling her friends and family....why not tell her husband and once you know he's aware, let it lie for a little while and see what happens. It may be enough to make her stop harassing you, and you can move on. If it doesn't stop, the proceed with caution in "spilling the beans" at her workplace, with her family, friends, etc.. But remember, in trying to hurt her, you will hurt them too...do they really deserve any of that?

 

Just give it some time before you do something you won't be able to take back. remember...everything comes with a price, and actions taken while we are acting out of hurt can be very costly to us later on. Is the extra "drama" that may ensue should you tell her friends and family really worth it?

 

( for what it's worth...i understand how you feel. When I first fund out about my husband's cheating,, my "revenge fantasy" was to have put an advertisement in the paper with her name, picture, etc. and the details of what had happened underneath. Sounds really stupid now:laugh:, but at the time i was hurt and anry and not really thinking logically.)

[anne1707]

I don't have an issue with you telling the husband - he needs to know so he can make his decision on whether he wants to continue the marriage or not. But to tell his family, friends etc? No, that is not your decision to make. That is for him to decide. If you go ahead with this then you are taking control over his life and not letting him make decisions for himself which is just what his wife is doing.

 

Just as you need to take control of your life as a BS, let him take control of his life.