donnamaybe Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Actually, once someone has done something wrong to someone, the decision to bring that wrongdoing to light is absolutely the right of the person who was wronged. Perhaps people will think twice before they do dirt next time. 4
alexandria35 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 brighter, i know you are hurt and angry right now...many of us have been there telling her husband is one thing. He deserves to know. as for telling her friends and family....why not tell her husband and once you know he's aware, let it lie for a little while and see what happens. It may be enough to make her stop harassing you, and you can move on. If it doesn't stop, the proceed with caution in "spilling the beans" at her workplace, with her family, friends, etc.. But remember, in trying to hurt her, you will hurt them too...do they really deserve any of that? Just give it some time before you do something you won't be able to take back. remember...everything comes with a price, and actions taken while we are acting out of hurt can be very costly to us later on. Is the extra "drama" that may ensue should you tell her friends and family really worth it? ( for what it's worth...i understand how you feel. When I first fund out about my husband's cheating,, my "revenge fantasy" was to have put an advertisement in the paper with her name, picture, etc. and the details of what had happened underneath. Sounds really stupid now:laugh:, but at the time i was hurt and anry and not really thinking logically.) Meh...I'm kind of on the fence on this. I made the mistake of getting seriously involved with a guy who worked for the same company I did. Well that was my first mistake, my second mistake was the guy I picked to get involved with. He was psycho. My third mistake was moving in with him 8 months later. I'm a private person and I wouldn't have even spoken of our relationship at work, but he had no discretion whatsoever. While we were dating he would tell everyone at work how crazy he was for me, how I was the one, and how he was going to marry me one day. I found this embarrassing but also a little cute and kind of flattering. I never spoke of him or our relatinship at work, just didn't seem appropriate. After I moved in with him and I discovered he was crazy and abusive I still kept quiet about him at work. Five months later when I thoroughly scared of this guy and his nutso moods and wild imagination I decided I had to move out. It was a horrible situation for me. I didn't even have anywhere to go so I had to go stay with my mom and her boyfriend. The guy had turned super nasty and was making my life hell. Still I never said one bad word about him at work, not even to my closest coworkers, however the guy, staying true to fashion, was blabbering about the situation to everyone and making it sound like I had wronged him!! I caught on to this when I began to notice people who had previously been warm and friendly to me were now giving me dirty looks or refusing to even make eye contact with me. Some were so cold to me they wouldn't even acknowledge me when I said hello to them. I couldn't freaking believe it!! This guy had made my life a nightmare while I lived with him and now he was going to destroy my life at work too, with his big mouth and his lies! I knew that if any of these people knew even half of what he put through me while I was with him there was no way they would be siding with him and punishing me. But I never told them. My dignity simply wouldn't allow me to. I have always been super professional at work and there was no way in hell I was going to sink to his childish manipulative level and play tit for tat with him at my place of employment. I continued to walk into work everyday with my head up and a smile on my face. I did my job, I remained professional and I simply ignored the people who had turned on me in their misguided loyalty to him. About six months later the guy was fired and it had nothing to do with me. He put on good show for people but he couldn't entirely hide his crazy all the time. His supervisors had seen his jekyll and hyde act several times and after one of his little temper tantrums he was dismissed. Through it all I remained silent and I worked there for another 4 years. Shortly after he was fired he sort of ceased to exist in peoples minds and my work life continued on quite nicely. So I'm a big believer in remaining dignified and mindful of my actions. I could of trashed this guy at work like he was trashing me and it might of felt really good at the time but in the long run I think it would have cost me some of my self respect and the respect of my managers and coworkers. If I was going to advise brighterwashing against telling people of the affair I would do so only out of concern for brighter. I think she has to decide what image she wants to project of herself and realize that if she goes on a rampage against the OW a lot of people may end up thinking poorly of brighter because of it. I would tell her to do whatever feels best for her own wellbeing but to look at it from all sides before she makes a decision. On the other hand I don't really understand telling a BW that if she tells people of the affair she is going to hurt people. Huh? If the BW becomes aware of the affair because someone told her, who has hurt her? The person who told her or the husband and the OW who engaged in the affair? If I drink like a fish for 20 years and my doctor tells me I'm going to die if I don't stop because of liver damage, who has hurt me? The doctor who just happened to be the bearer of bad news? If I had a friend whom I held in high esteem and someone told me something awful about my friend that changed my opinion of her and left me feeling hurt do I blame the person who gave me that knowledge? While I could never imagine myself airing my personal life or someone elses life to the public, I just don't understand blaming the person who is telling the truth about hurtful acts rather than the people who committed those hurtful acts in the first place. If I was the OW in an affair and the BW found out and shouted from the rooftops what I had done I would be humilated and mortified beyond belief but I would of made the decision to risk that being the outcome when I decided to sleep with a married man. 3
TurningTables Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Hi BW. My opinion is that the OW's H should know. If you want to tell him, I think you should first discuss this with your own H. I only have one question to that: Are you two in MC? Maybe if you dont see eye to eye, you should talk it over there. Your MC will be able to give you another insight. I do agree with Kit that you should leave it to just telling the OW's H. Telling everyone else will only compound the situation. You may feel better right now ( telling everyone, getting revenge) but trust me, you wont later.You said you can handle the consequences, but I dont think that youve realy thought this through. Being the bigger person about the whole mess will make you feel better about yourself in the end. I also agree with Kit that you should be focusing on the M if that is what you and your H has chosen to do. You can always get a restraining order. Take things in steps. I wish you the best. 3
MissBee Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Ok I have prettt much decided I am going to tell OWs husband and mother and parents-in-law and maybe some of her friends. H says why stir up drama just when she has no excuse to contact us. I say she's contacting us still without excuse every week and maybe she will wake up from her bubble of fantasy (whereby they work together occasionally as if nothing happened and be "friends") if she has to deal with the effect on her own life. I realize she may go to war on me. I don't have anyone I'm afraid to tell or for her to tell. My boss knows and has been supportive. She went through this herself. My family is supportive and I've already told most of my friends. I guess the one thing she could do is try to destroy Hs reputation but really he has to deal with that and it will ruin hers in the process. She got her job because of his reference - which would be worthless if people knew he was screwing her. If she tried stalking us I would get a court order. But I guess I should be braced for things I haven't anticipated. This is your chance to talk me out of it. Lay it on! Be polite please but candid. I can't say it would occur to me to do that...esp if your H also thinks it is drama. I'd rather block and ignore her avenues of contact versus actively engage in her life. It takes way more energy and isn't a good look. In an A rightly, I feel like the only people worth telling are the spouses/significant others involved. I don't see what bosses, friends, family etc. have to do with anything. If my family member had an A and someone called or emailed me about it I would be annoyed and probably assume they were just on some crazy rampage. At the end of the day, A or no A, my family is my family and I'm not going to hate them because a stranger tells me they were in an A....so I personally don't see what the goal of that is. There are more ways that stuff like this makes you look bad than assist you in any constructive way. I also disagree with the idea that because you were hurt it's now a free for all. As my mom always says, "Not because you're free to do something means it's a good thing to do". Helps me a lot in life. Especially when hurt, the things we think about doing based on emotionally charged situations are not often smart things. Often in the name of revenge we truly dig a hole for the other that we too end up falling into...I try to avoid that as much as I can! Edited March 18, 2012 by MissBee 1
mercy Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 BrighterWashing, the need for the h to know is for health reasons, also, allowing him the choice to choose his own path, not allowing others to choose it for him. Though the pain may just be unbearable for him, truth, hopefully, in the end makes all things bearable. Please take into consideration when telling him, you are a little further down the path, as far as you know he knows nothing. Tell him as if you were just learning it too. Compassion. As for the others, eh - let him choose, it'll give him some power back. 2
sad puppy Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 And why is this posted in the OW forum instead of the Infidelity forum?
spice4life Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Went back and read your story and I'm wondering why you and your husband still have his "secret email" active? Why hasn't it been deactivated? The mere fact that it is still active probably gives this OW (who appears to have some serious issues) hope. All forms of secret communication should have been deleted upon your husbands agreement to be transparent. By keeping those methods open is only fueling the woman's (who obviously needs help) fantasy that he will change his mind. It is feeding the drama no matter what your husband has told her. Open account = hope in the affair world. Then add in an OW with deep rooted childhood issues and you have a much bigger toxic mix. If you feel the need to tell her husband then do so, but cut off all forms of private communication and focus on your own life. Silence speaks louder than anything else. Professional emails can be handled as well. I also think that your husband was avoiding conflict by giving her time to lick her wounds. That is cruel in a sense. How does that help anything? It only fuels his ego because he has this woman hopelessly pining away for him...it's a mental orgasm if you really think about it. That does nothing to solve the deeper issues of his infidelity; as a matter of fact, it keeps him from truly dealing with why he did it in the first place. Taking the higher road will show you have character and integrity. This woman obviously has issues and creating more drama will probably send her over the edge. Her need for attention will trump your proposed efforts to burst her bubble. Your husband came clean with you, you have the information you need to deal with your marriage, so why not just go silent and quit reacting to her? 1
spice4life Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) To clarify. Avoiding conflict and ego stroking are two of the biggest reasons people get involved in affairs. You should be focusing on those issues with your husband because if they are not resolved, your marriage is still at risk. The OW at this point should be treated as an annoying gnat that needs to be ignored. A gnat that HE attracted due to his own issues. It doesn't matter that she may have seduced him; he ALLOWED it for a reason. That reason should be your focus. Edited March 18, 2012 by spice4life 2
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Secondly, although I don't necessarily think it's wrong per se if you do disclose to others, I do believe the choice to disclose to their family and friends should be more of his choice than yours. ^^ I completely agree. Telling her husband is one thing as he should know the truth, but to go ahead and tell others? That's not your place to do. It should be up to her husband who he feels should or shouldn't know about their marriage and personal business. I DO get you're pissed off at the exMW and her emails/threats etc., but be the better person and don't go into revenge mode to her ruin her life and embarress her. Trust me, once her husband finds out she WILL be suffering major consquences and have to deal with looking him in the eyes and knowing all the respect, faith and trust he once had in her is gone.
donnamaybe Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I can't say it would occur to me to do that...esp if your H also thinks it is drama. I'd rather block and ignore her avenues of contact versus actively engage in her life. It takes way more energy and isn't a good look. In an A rightly, I feel like the only people worth telling are the spouses/significant others involved. I don't see what bosses, friends, family etc. have to do with anything. If my family member had an A and someone called or emailed me about it I would be annoyed and probably assume they were just on some crazy rampage. At the end of the day, A or no A, my family is my family and I'm not going to hate them because a stranger tells me they were in an A....so I personally don't see what the goal of that is. There are more ways that stuff like this makes you look bad than assist you in any constructive way. I also disagree with the idea that because you were hurt it's now a free for all. As my mom always says, "Not because you're free to do something means it's a good thing to do". Helps me a lot in life. Especially when hurt, the things we think about doing based on emotionally charged situations are not often smart things. Often in the name of revenge we truly dig a hole for the other that we too end up falling into...I try to avoid that as much as I can! I love ya Miss Bee, but I wouldn't classify telling some truths about my own life to people of my choice as a "free for all." Now if she took out an ad in the local paper... Further, this isn't a knee jerk in the heat of DDay decision. 1
MissBee Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I love ya Miss Bee, but I wouldn't classify telling some truths about my own life to people of my choice as a "free for all." Now if she took out an ad in the local paper... Further, this isn't a knee jerk in the heat of DDay decision. Telling people of your choice implies people you know IMO....telling people you don't know...i.e. the other person's family or friends is a bit much to me. The fact that you have to dig to find them alone shows that you're going out of your way to do this and it is not really a necessity. People do as they see fit...but I just would have no time or energy to go find the OW's family and friends emails or phone numbers to write them a letter or detail her actions. I would feel like the teacher who sends home a letter to a kid's mom....I just wouldn't personally. For me it won't accomplish anything...except to add more strangers into this mix and perhaps have some stranger hgang the phone up or start harassing me too. If someone called your phone or emailed you about one of your family members being in an A....how do you even respond to that? It seems awkward for all.....you don't know them, they don't know you....they won't take your side....you won't know what happens with that...it's just pointless IMO. But I'd tell my own family and friends as that won't be going out of my way.
bentnotbroken Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 And why is this posted in the OW forum instead of the Infidelity forum? If you have a problem, report it.
Afishwithabike Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 BrighterWashing, I think the OW's husband deserves to know the truth. As to telling others, I'll leave that up to you though I fully understand your thoughts regarding exposure. When you tell her husband, don't do it by leaving a voicemail which can be erased by her or by letter which can be intercepted by her. Best to do it in person if you can. Second best is to talk on the phone with follow up on the proof. If you know where he works, maybe you can contact him there. 3
Spark1111 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 BrighterWashing, I think the OW's husband deserves to know the truth. As to telling others, I'll leave that up to you though I fully understand your thoughts regarding exposure. When you tell her husband, don't do it by leaving a voicemail which can be erased by her or by letter which can be intercepted by her. Best to do it in person if you can. Second best is to talk on the phone with follow up on the proof. If you know where he works, maybe you can contact him there. Good advice! BW, the only one you need to convince is her H. Her friends and family will not believe anything coming from you; but they might coming from her H, and it's his call whether or not to do so, just as it was your call who to tell amongst your friends and family. Secondly, print out all the emails today, and then deactivate that account. It is keeping the affair alive on a daily basis and really impeding your healing. I understand that the affair lasted after he claimed it was over and keeping this open was a way to restore trust, but I think you are aware that he has not seen her and it is done. If it makes you feel better, deactivate it, and don't tell him. Right now, I think it is just feuling your anger that she presumes she can still email him on the sly, and the anger is not helping you one bit. . It is time to kill the affair for you and to concentrate on making your marriage better --NOT what the OW has sent and said this week.
Author BrighterWashing Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Many thanks for the replies. I can respond more later but just quickly- the reason for telling her family or friend is to get her to take me as a threat seriously. At the moment she thinks I'm gagged by H to save his job which also saves her. Telling her H has risks that telling her own family doesn't. They would not risk ruining her career, he might. I was very restrained, I'm not expecting him to be. Yes he has to be told too at some point. I think telling her mom might mean she has someone telling her how she will look if she keeps this up. Her mom was cheated on many times, perhaps it might even cause some shame. It isn't a substitute for telling her H. And it isn't people on his side of the couple. In fact one of my difficulties telling him is I have no phone number for him and am struggling with how to get it from his parents (whose details I know) without telling them or giving anything away.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 the reason for telling her family or friend is to get her to take me as a threat seriously. Actually getting an RO against her and going to the police, letting them know she's threatened you, your kids, your family etc., could do more damage than telling her friends/family. No matter what, they are going to have her back, even though she's in the wrong. Having the cops show up at her house is a whole other story.
Spark1111 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 On some level you are over thinking this. If the police show up, that is pretty threatening. If you convince her spouse, that too should be very threatening. I understand right now you feel totally disrespected because she has no respect for you in that she does not fear you. Have you called her directly and told her that unless she leaves you alone you will out the affair to her H? And of course, you do that ONLY after your H has gone to human resources to tell them first. Go with him, if it makes you feel better to know the whole story has been told. Or avoid them entirely and go directly to the police with your proof.
jwi71 Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Many thanks for the replies. I can respond more later but just quickly- the reason for telling her family or friend is to get her to take me as a threat seriously. At the moment she thinks I'm gagged by H to save his job which also saves her. Telling her H has risks that telling her own family doesn't. They would not risk ruining her career, he might. I was very restrained, I'm not expecting him to be. Yes he has to be told too at some point. I think telling her mom might mean she has someone telling her how she will look if she keeps this up. Her mom was cheated on many times, perhaps it might even cause some shame. It isn't a substitute for telling her H. And it isn't people on his side of the couple. In fact one of my difficulties telling him is I have no phone number for him and am struggling with how to get it from his parents (whose details I know) without telling them or giving anything away. Brighterwashing, Again, every reason you post is a valid one. I also agree you are over-thinking this. Do it. Or do not. Sometimes indecision is worse than any consequence. However, once you make your decision, you must never look back and/or second-guess yourself. Once you have chosen your path, stick to it and do not look back or think "what-if". And those what-ifs are what is causing you problems. One step at a time. And the first step is to decide to disclose or not. Whichever way you go, to whatever extent you go, you will have consequences. 1
Author BrighterWashing Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 Many thanks. Some good points. I am inclined to over think. Better than under thinking I hope!
Kidd Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 And why is this posted in the OW forum instead of the Infidelity forum? Maybe because the question is about telling the Other Woman's husband. Seems appropriate to me. 1
Kidd Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 You sound deranged, like a paranoid schizophrenic with your plot lines and conspiracy theories. You need psychiatric help. Read your last posting. There is seriously something wrong with you. There is something seriously wrong with people that knowingly come between two people that are married and somehow think that there won't be repurcussions, such as the onset of a somewhat irritated betrayed spouse. Welcome to consequences. The fact that this OW has gone further to threaten and harrass just clarifies that something is seriously wrong with her. Do you seriously expect a BS to just continue to cover your lies, deception, and betrayal as if they somehow owe it to you to be the better person? Sad Puppy, go ahead and keep posting. We'll see how the OP takes to your flawed thinking that somehow the BS is held to some high moral standard in light of such low moral standards on the part of the WH and OW. 5
nofool4u Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 I guess the one thing she could do is try to destroy Hs reputation but really he has to deal with that and it will ruin hers in the process. Bah, H's reputation isn't worth much right now anyway. He'll survive the fallout, and its just going to have to be part of his consequences if its something that you feel you need to do after what he did to you. If she tried stalking us I would get a court order. Make sure you document everything and get proof. But I guess I should be braced for things I haven't anticipated. This is your chance to talk me out of it. Lay it on! Be polite please but candid. Well, she may be too preoccupied with the fallout she will suffer from her husband to bother with you. And if you out her to her H, then make sure her H knows about the threats to you. He needs to know she is a skank cheater, and also that she goes even beyond that evil, and is vindictive. You let H know that you have no problem putting her in jail.
nofool4u Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Kathy I don't feel bad about revenge as long as its legal and I can stand the consequences. You've already had to deal with the worst consequence. Being betrayed. You'll weather whatever storm she brings your way because if its too much, it would probably cross legal boundaries and then her ass is yours.
SidLyon Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I've only just seen this thread, probably because it's been bumped. I'm sorry I didn't read all of it mainly because it's getting a little aged. I gather from your current posts that you haven't yet outed the OW to her H and family. As a BW who was in your position several years ago, can I advise it's the best thing to do. I know there's a lot of talk about "revenge" on other threads as if exposing is the equivalent of being a bunny boiler. In my view it isn't as long as you're honest and stick to the facts and do nothing illegal. Truth is rarely wrong. It's what an OW signed up for in having an affair.
Recommended Posts