Worth trying still?

[SandieBeach]

Brighter, the OW taunts you with text messages?

 

First off, the OW contacting you at all at this point just seems disrespectful. She isn't a nice person. Secondly, you have decided to work on your M for now. You need to realize that this woman has turned herself into your enemy.

 

So what do you do with the text messages she sends you? I would forward them immediately to my H. She's taunting you while acting all sweet and concerned with your H. He needs to see her for the kind of person she is.

 

Also, you could actually threaten to tell her boss that she's chasing your H. Being a small city and a closed profession, you have to think about it a bit. What do you really know about this woman that your H hasn't told you? Any details about her M status, kids, family?

 

I advise you to fight her now because she is provoking you. I know some people think that a BW shouldn't "lower" herself to fighting a OW. But my view is different. You are his W and you will decide when your M is over. Not only was there an A (reason enough) but this woman thinks she can force your hand. To me, you won't be fighting your H's sexual partner, you'll be preserving your right to determine when and if your M is over. I don't take kindly to people forcing my hand and suggest you see her actions as just that.

 

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

 

This is an excellent post, Findingnemo. I am someone who things that a BW should not lower herself when it comes to the other woman, and I didn't even want to call my husband's affair partner or contact her in any way (even though I could have from day one).

 

HOWEVER, a part of me wanted the OW to contact me, so that I can show her my lioness side and tell her what I thought of her. She has not up to that point, and I need to learn to let go.

 

Brighterwashing's situation is much more different, and would be the exception to my rule. Her husband's affair partner sounds like she is trying to destroy Brighterwashing's chance at reconciliation. I would let this loser woman know that if she cares about her reputation she needs to back off, otherwise, everyone is going to know about her character. People who have affairs have to deal with the consequences, and in BW's case, the consequence is that the other woman is a bit of a psycho. BW's husband should threaten the OW with a restraining order or something.

[Kidd]

Kidd, I think that is awesome advice to give to anyone in this situation. In my situation, I know that I am angry with my husband and blame him for the affair. Period. This woman was just someone with low self-esteem who was stupid enough to get involved with a married man (she knew he was married from the moment they met). YET, she is constantly in my head. I don't know this person, but I am thinking about her all the time (in relationship to my husband, that is), and when I get extremely angry, I call her names I did not even think were in my dictionary. Completely classless, if you ask me.

 

I need to take your advice and really apply it to my emotions and actions. This person is a nobody. She happened to be there when he needed to fulfill his needs, and if she weren't, someone else would be. Thanks for this, Kidd!

 

I think it's difficult enough for us to get the AP out of our heads as it is. I feel for BW because the OW is making it impossible. I hope she can solve that so they can move forward.

 

As for you, thanks for the kind words. You could remind yourself that you won and she lost. I prefer to think that you're not the winner but the prize.

 

By the way, after a year of reading on these boards, anything I write has been stolen from some other wise person.

[whichwayisup]

Get her husbands number and their home address or his work address. BOTH you and your husband go meet him and talk to him together, with ALL the emails and texts that you have so you can show it to him. Let him know of all the threats and harrassment and that you both are considering getting an RO and speaking to the Cops if she doesn't back off and leave you alone.

 

He needs to know the truth.

[BrighterWashing]

Yes her H needs to know. But who is the person most likely to blame my h and try to ruin him professionally? Her H. What would that mean? That he could be fired and we'd be left on my much smaller income unable to pay our rent and having to move where that means moving away from schools, friends and family just when we need them. I am not counting on her H to not do that just because it would make her unemployable. I can see a situation where he doesn't care what it does to her he just wants to hurt H.

 

If I were leaving H that's what I would do. Ruin both of them.

 

It's not as simple as saying he should know or that it would give her something to focus on. They're been separated many times before and I don't think divorce is a big deal to either except her life would get harder.

[Steen719]

This is an excellent post, Findingnemo. I am someone who things that a BW should not lower herself when it comes to the other woman, and I didn't even want to call my husband's affair partner or contact her in any way (even though I could have from day one).

 

HOWEVER, a part of me wanted the OW to contact me, so that I can show her my lioness side and tell her what I thought of her. She has not up to that point, and I need to learn to let go.

 

Brighterwashing's situation is much more different, and would be the exception to my rule. Her husband's affair partner sounds like she is trying to destroy Brighterwashing's chance at reconciliation. I would let this loser woman know that if she cares about her reputation she needs to back off, otherwise, everyone is going to know about her character. People who have affairs have to deal with the consequences, and in BW's case, the consequence is that the other woman is a bit of a psycho. BW's husband should threaten the OW with a restraining order or something.

 

This may not apply since I did this after I divorced my XH and moved out. I wrote a letter to the OW on facebook (private message...was not her friend) and told her what I thought about her contribution to my situation..... (She had dated him several years before and he left her wanting more...this was her chance). I was not inflammatory or cruel, but rather just told her that while it might turn out to be the best thing for me that I divorced my H of 22 years, I thought they should consider what it did to my son. I did not tell her H and I know most will not agree with that. I did not want XH anymore and I did not think she did either and anyway, for a lot of reasons, that was my decision. I did tell her how I felt, got an apology (big deal, right?), but also got some information about my XH that made me feel better. She did, too. Now, when I say it made me feel better, I mean I found out just what a sh** he is and what kinds of lies he told her. I mostly know these are what he said because I saw their conversations on FB and some of it now makes more sense. She minimized her participation, for sure, but some of what she said made me know I had done the only thing that was right for me and that was to leave him. Most of the fight was out of me when I did this, so I surprised myself by doing it. Good luck.

[The Blue Knight]

I know he's trying. I know it's a long road to recovery and it will have bumps. I this a bump or is this it? This isn't about the affair really - though I feel awful and hurt- its about whether there's anything left now. Can we each do what the other needs in a marriage? How do we tell?

 

Any advice? It is now nearly a year since he threw her over properly. For work reasons he had to deal with her work emails until a few months ago. And she keeps emailing just to stay on our heads. I don't know if I am strong enough to get her out of my head and I don't know if I even want him anymore. I would if I thought he could fulfil my emotional needs. How can I find out? How long do I keep putting one foot after another?

 

Brighter, I missed your original post and I'm just catching up on your story. I was in a similar situation with my ex-wife and chose to stay. There is no easy answer when it comes to choosing to remain in the marriage or move on. At the time, we still had three fairly young boys very similar to yourself.

What exactly do you mean by "you would if you thought he could fulfill your emotional needs?"

 

I found the books below helpful. Perhaps you've already read one or two of them.

 

Amazon.com: Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships (9780785263753): Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth, Paul Meier M.D.: Books

 

Amazon.com: Love Is A Decision (9780849942686): Dr. Gary Smalley, Dr. John Trent: Books

 

Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary D. Chapman: Books