Moose Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Most of it is my fault though when I sit down and think about it. Sometimes, (I realize), you just have to put yourself in their shoes. He was there to witness me go to jail on 2 separate occasions for my alcoholism, was there to witness me and his Mom go through our separation, he saw me at my lowest low and to top that off, all of his Uncles are very successful and have full lives. The young man has lost all respect for me.....not some....all. Here's the circle....he mouths me, I tell him to watch his mouth, he mouths me again....I blow up and start to stand my ground, he stomps off into his room. I go in there and tell him we need to talk about it....he tells me he want to be left alone.....I tell him we are going to talk about it.....he starts crying and yelling I want to be left alone!!!! I start yelling and make him get out of his room and go outside with me.....( I do my best to not display my anger in front of the other kids, tonight is my wife's night out with her Sister-in-law ). Once I get him outside and I have calmed down a little, I try to talk to him and try to find out why he feels like he can mouth me and disrespect all the time. Like I said, I can understand the respect he lost for me, but it's still my house and I've turned my life totally around....I need to get his respect back and I mean quick!!! It's been four years since I screwed up and four years of me turning things around.....what do I have to do????? I've been physically abused when I grew up and left home at 15 never to return, I will not strike any of my kids, and I don't want to run them off either!! Any help, especially form those with kids his age would be greatly appreciated!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Fakir Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Originally posted by Moose The young man has lost all respect for me.....not some....all. Here's the circle....he mouths me, I tell him to watch his mouth, he mouths me again....I blow up and start to stand my ground, he stomps off into his room. I go in there and tell him we need to talk about it....he tells me he want to be left alone.....I tell him we are going to talk about it.....he starts crying and yelling I want to be left alone!!!! I start yelling and make him get out of his room and go outside with me.....( I do my best to not display my anger in front of the other kids, tonight is my wife's night out with her Sister-in-law ). For me the best time to break the circle is right at the start. You say you understand why he lost respect but I see that your pride is still hurt when he mouths you and you react by getting angry. You mention being angry and having to calm down a few times in the post. I think if you managed to show a calm face when he is difficult it would pull the rug out from under him. (I realise this would be hard but I think it would help). He is at a difficult age and is lashing out because he feels insecure and in the past you have helped that insecurity grow by not seeming strong to him. But now you are a new man and you are coping and getting things done. You can take great strength from that. When he is difficult and angry try to let it go by showing disappointment but not anger. When you get a quiet moment tell him that although you have made some pretty lousy mistakes in the past you are now in control and no amount of him getting angry or trying to hurt you is going to make you go away. You will always be there for him. No matter what. I am certainly no expert but I think that's the line I would take. Link to post Share on other sites
echocrush Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 16 year olds hate everything. Even if you had been a perfect parent (which any parent knows doesn't really exist) he would still have issues with you. He is in a time of his life when a million changes are going on at once, and he is taking it out on whoever is in the blast radius. As for the conflict part... next time he sasses you, don't get angry. When he makes you angry, he is in control. Let him go cool off and then approach him. Ask him if he has a minute and sit down and talk to him. Stop the conflict cycle and just talk... That's the hardest thing for men to do, in my experience, just talk. You don't have to get all girly, and talk about your feelings if you can't handle it just yet, but you can ask him about his, and try to understand them. If he says "I hate you because..." Don't argue with him, just tell him you will think about it. I know you are both guys and that's a little different from my experience, I know my mother and I still have issues from things she did when I was a child. And All I really want from her even now is just a normal parent child relationship... She could still make it up to me if she wanted to, and I'm over 30... Sometimes I hate her, sometimes I love her... but it did get better after I was on my own and especially after I had children. Once I could see things from her point of view it was easier for me to forgive her. Link to post Share on other sites
Shasta Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 When I was 16 (I'm now almost 20), I hated my mom. She put me through a whole bunch of ****. She made me switch from my regular high school and into a charter school, made me graduate a year early, and then the day before my graduation, she seperated from my dad and moved me into an apartment with her. I brought with me only the stuff I used to get ready, my dress/cap/gown, and a pillow and blanket. I didn't get any sleep that night because I was trying to help her move in some of her things, and then the kid who lives below us was playing his music all damn night. The next day at graduation, I was tired, pissed off, and looked like ****. My graduation went ok. My mom and dad were civil to each other. For my graduation party, I had invited a bunch of people. Everyone had found out, and only my boyfriend at the time ended up attending. He left after an hour, and then we left about 20 minutes later. The next day, my mom forced me to go out and get a full time job, because she would need help paying for the bills. I ended up not being able to go to college for two years! I was so mad, I would probably be a senior in college this fall. I have gotten over a lot of that. People make mistakes, I still can't stand her sometimes, but I know that she feels sorry for what had happened. Sooner or later your son will understand. Just don't yell and get angry at him. Approach him with a calm manner, and tell him that when he cools down, he can come talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 It's common. My sister was constantly at war with my pop at that age, it was pretty awful. I, myself, was a pretty well rounded kid at 16, I never went thru the rebellion phase. Read the comic "Zits." That might clue you in to a lot of things. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 His job at 16 is to hate you. He has to individuate; between hormones and emotions all awry because his body's in flux, plus the drive to be his own man, he needs to rebel. I heard a wise lecturer once say that what you do with kids is that you draw the boundaries very close in so that when they transgress them, as they will, they still won't have gone too far over the line. So, for instance, say he has to be in at 10 when you think 12 would be fine. Then he may stay out late, but not as late as had you set it at 12. If you don't lose it and don't take it personally and react with hostility or anger, once all the junk he's dealing with boils down, he'll respect you a lot for not having let his turmoil become yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 I'm a pretty easy going Dad to him. I let him sleep in during the summer and he usually does until around 11 or even noon. My wife doesn't like that but I tell her, "Hey he's a teenager and I would've loved to be able to sleep in." Then he sits on the couch and plays his Nintendo Game Boy Advanced ALL DAY LONG!!! (Says he's saving the world). He does do his chores like I explained, but other than that, I get nothing else out of him. He is very smart, plays the trumpet in a Jazz Band and I'm very proud of him and I let him know that. It's just his mouth I won't put up with. I got a confession out of my Wife this morning while we were talking about it. She says she feels like it's partly her fault. She admitted that back 4 years ago she would drag me verbally through the mud in front of him, and behind my back. She would lash out at his younger brother more than him because she was so proud of his grades and accomplishments, ( His brother is totally opposite, bad grades and in trouble all the time ). We are a close knit family and I guess my biggest problem is that he won't open up to me. He's put up this wall and separated himself from me and his Mom and we feel so helpless......thanks for all the advice you guys, I'm going to look for a councelor for him and I to go talk to...but keep the advice coming...please!!!! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Behavin143 Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 First off, you and your wife need to stop blaming yourselves. Maybe he did lose some respect for you, but you are still his father and he knows that whether he wants to admit it or not. Now, I'm only 21... and let me say that my dad is a preacher, a wonderful man, and my mom is a successful busy woman as well and a wonderful christian lady. I've never seen them fight. They've never drank, smoked, cussed, anything in front of me..... However, when I was 16 up until about 18 or 19.... I was absolutely horrible to them. If they told me to do something and I was busy, I'd get mad at them and tell them I'd do it when I wanted to. I never came home when they wanted me to, I was like the little hell child. I think ALOT of 16 year olds are like that. Not all, my older brother was the perfect kid, never did anything wrong, I on the other hand, was a little rebel. All I'm saying is.. it doesn't matter what you've done, or what your wife has done, and ya'll can't blame yourselves. I was raised in a wonderful christian home and I still treated my parents like **** up until about the time I got married, pregnant, and grew up ALOT. Give him time... It's part of being a teenager I think. Good luck though, I know it has to hurt you so very bad to be disrespected by your son and feel like it's almost out of your hands and you have no control over him. Just be calm with him, don't let him see you losing your patience, and be patient.. it may take a few years before he snaps out of it, but he will learn to appreciate you. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 He's 16. He's going to hate you. It won't last forever. To help you all cope with it, why not get some short-term family counseling. If he is still dealing with the hurts of your past -- this might help him to cope and show you both that what happened in the past stays there and what is happing now must at least be civil. Do not lose your temper. So not let him push your buttons. Keep telling youself that this will pass. You have your rules and he has his idea of what he wants. Tell him you want to sit down with him and reach some compromises. A counselor can help you do this so that it doesn't end up in a fight with nothing resolved. It's about compromise and giving him more independence and him growing up and accepting that he has to follow some rules no matter if he respects you or not. He can't get out in the world and only obey the rules that he wishes to and ignore the others. He'll end up in jail, or dead, if he does that. You've been in jail, you know how it works. Link to post Share on other sites
Fakir Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions He's 16. He's going to hate you. It won't last forever. To help you all cope with it, why not get some short-term family counseling. I wouldn't go for counselling unless you really are unable to talk to him without getting angry. He is unsure of himself and even more unsure of you. So he plays up and sees how far he can push you. So far his tests have revealed that he is in control because you get angry. If you ask for help outside the family he has even more reason to be unsure. Be strong, confident and help him to realise that whatever he throws at you you will still be there for him because you are his Dad. Show that you are not phased by his outbursts. You are a man of the world you have seen far worse and you will cope. Eventually this behaviour will give him strength and he will come to respect you as a solid guy. One thing that all of us have said though and its the real key to your success is not getting angry (or probably more realistically, keeping any anger hidden so that he sees a strong and determined father figure) Do not lose your temper. So not let him push your buttons. Keep telling yourself that this will pass. If you manage that I'm sure you will be successful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Cool, thanks everybody, controlling my anger will be hard for me, but I'm sure I can manage since regaining his respect is my motive. Great Ideas Guys!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lexnmike4enomore Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 My father was a drug addict before i was born. I saw him overdose, get carted off to jail, fist fight my mom and i did lose respect for him each and every time this happened. But when i would gain the respect back and things would be great again until the same thing happened AGAIN. I think that he doesn't have respect for you b/c once he does gain it back, maybe he is afraid you you going away again or something. I know you cleaned up your act but once an addict always and addict. My father kept messing up until the day he died (overdose) when i was 19. every time i would think that he has cleaned up his act he messed up again and me my mom and my brother would suffer. Put yourself in this point of view and THEN control your anger. And i don't think he hates you....he just wants to make sure that your worth his respect again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Sorry to hear about your grim past. I can understand where you are coming from....and thank you...it puts a whole new perspective into my thinking. Thanks again!! Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangel Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Originally posted by Moose We are a close knit family and I guess my biggest problem is that he won't open up to me. He's put up this wall and separated himself from me and his Mom and we feel so helpless......thanks for all the advice you guys, I'm going to look for a councelor for him and I to go talk to...but keep the advice coming...please!!!! Moose If he doesn't want to go to counseling, I would definitely advise against dragging him. He will only resent you more. I agree with many of the posts. As a parent who's been there, done that, with three boys, I can tell you that it's not unusual at ALL for him to go through a phase, which may last up to several years, where he just doesn't like you...period. If you try to push him, he will only get his back up more. The more laid back you can be right now, the better things will go. As they say, don't sweat the small stuff; and it's almost all small stuff, even though it may not look like it right now. Teenagers take LOTS of patience. But the good thing is they do grow up. Nothing lasts forever. Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 it seems likely to me that he's afraid of being abandoned. you've been to jail on a couple of occasions and you separated from your wife at one point. even when you were around, if you were drunk, then you weren't there for him the way he needed you to be. he's not testing how far he can push you and how in control he is of you so much as he's making sure you can be angry at him and still love him. or maybe he's trying to separate himself from you emotionally because he's sure you're just going to leave him again. he could be waiting for the bottom to fall out because it always has before. i'm sure a big part of it is that he's 16 and being 16 is confusing and it sucks and most of the time he probably doesn't even know what he's feeling, so how can you know what's going on? regardless of the cause, staying calm and riding it out i think is the best course of action. Link to post Share on other sites
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