Sick of being in "something" with a best friend

[wild_rose]

So, uhm… I opened a thread in the coping section a month ago or so. Long story short: last year I met and fell in love with my flatmate (he's now moved town because of university); we didn't end up together, but we obviously had some problems because he never wanted more than what we had and I did. However we managed to become very close friends. Another small issue discussed in the old topic is that he refused to stop being affectionate to me (i.e. random stroking hair, making me sit on his lap, hugs etc.) because he said true friendship can't be fake or something. But really, I don't think I care about that anymore.

 

I followed the advice and never contacted him first. I haven't seen him since January, and we haven't talked about when we'll see each other again, though he should visit sometime in the Spring. But we've been messaging almost daily, we have a routine of watching things "together" and he even apologizes when he lets pass more time than usual (which so far has not been more than a couple of days). On the bright side, I've been thinking a lot about things, and I've come to the conclusion that even if he wanted to be with me (and he doesn't), we'd have some issues. With the distance, part of the shine I saw came off. I don't want to be with him anymore, he's too immature and self-centered for the kind of relationship I want, and we'd only end up hurting each other.

 

But apparently, it's still not okay. It's like… I know that no matter what big chemistry we may have it's just not meant to be and never will, and I should be just glad we were never together and had a massive painful breakup, but… there's a part of me that still can't help to feel something for him and, deep down, resent him a little when he doesn't show up, or when he doesn't seem to care. And then "forgiving" him at once when he does and apologizes and gives me perfectly good explanations of why he wasn't there – when he doesn't really need to.

 

For example, this week we haven't talked a lot, because he was busy and mostly out. Then on Friday he sent me a message, saying he *hoped* we'd be able to have a proper conversation soon. And we did, from 9 PM till 2 in the morning. But it's not like he had something specific to tell me or a lot of time had passed since the last time, he just wanted to talk to me. Now, I'm more detached than before and I'm not reading anything into it. It's not that. But yeah, it was one of those times that I get these reminders that he's still not just a friend to me, and his actions still affect me more than they should. It's like I'm there rationally, but not quite emotionally.

 

I realized that I look out for his messages. When I don't see any, I become a little restless; when he comes back, I'm alright again. It's probably not just him, I'm far more worried about other things and my future, but I'm sick of it anyway. I want a good, pure friendship with him, one that doesn't make me unhappy or nervous because he hasn't said "hello" in a week. On the other hand, these messages *are* the only way we can be in each other's lives for the moment.

 

Just to be clear: I do not intend to go NC. I value him as one of my best friends, and to be honest, I don't feel bad "enough" to have to do something so extreme like NC, not anymore; it's something more subtle, underlaying. I do have other friends, but I don't connect to them like I connect to him. I'm not shy, I talk to people, but I'm an introvert and have a hard time at feeling I truly belong somewhere. I do with him. And I'm not sure I want to lose that just yet – especially not now that I've got so many other things to think about. I would just think about him more and more and more than I do now, and we share friends that don't know what I felt for him that just keep coming at me asking how is he doing… Besides, on September I may be leaving for another country to study; maybe I'll be too busy adjusting there to think about him and everything will be okay. At least that's what I hope. If nothing changes even then, I'll seriously consider NC.

 

For the moment, though, what I really want to know is… how do you stay close friends with someone you were once in love and sometimes still feel like you are? Can you? If you can't, how do you make it less hard, how can you have a little more control of it, without losing this person? :/

Edited March 18, 2012 by wild_rose