Question: married men and guilt

[fairy dust]

Did your married man feel guilt for having an affair? Did he say why or why not?

 

Do you think there is a difference between husbands cheating and feeling guilt versus ones that don’t feel guilt?

[mercy]

Did your married man feel guilt for having an affair? Did he say why or why not?

 

Do you think there is a difference between husbands cheating and feeling guilt versus ones that don’t feel guilt?

 

Does make one sound better if they feel guilty, right? Of course they'd sound even better if they just went ahead and did the right thing.

 

Oh I feel so guilty but, hey lets do it anyway.

[MissBee]

I quite honestly don't think my exAP felt any guilt. For a while I thought he just made a mistake but saw the light...he didn't, as years after he tried to start up the A yet again smh.

 

That's when I knew he didn't feel badly or learn anything...he would do it so long as he could get away with it.

[SoMovinOn]

I know my MW struggles at times. When we first got back together and found we both were still in love, our initial decision was to maintain a platonic R until we both were D. Over time, we realized that would likely take some number of years. As we grew closer, we'd establish line to not cross ... we'd go this far, but no farther with the R. She never wanted to be a woman who cheated on her H, and I didn't want to be the guy who changed that.

 

Over a period of about 7 months, we decided we didn't want to be apart, not have an R. We made the selfish choice to have our R, she decided to live two lives (my M is already over - we're just not D yet).

 

Neither of us has ever been "ok" with our A. If getting D right now were a workable option, we would.

 

Sometimes, rather than the best choice, the best you can do is make the least worst choice.

[Lostinlife4now]

xMM did NOT have any quilt whatsoever! Shame on him. He said he was doing this for himself! He provides a great life for his family, so why not have something that he wanted. Like being entitled. I FELT all the guilt. And stopped it. Even after his wife got sick...he was calling me and asked if we can go back to our relationship as it was. I said to him..."DUDE, you have a sick wife at home..Are you freakin nuts"? Damm that ice water running through your veins is scary! Narcissistic....asshat.......

[OpenBook]

From what I could tell, no, it wasn't guilt my xMM felt. There was definitely sadness. Their M was in its death throes when I got involved with him; he had already given up on it/her. He was grateful for some relief from it.

[SoxPrincess]

I think xMM felt guilt when he got caught (meaning when I called to inform his BW); prior to that, I don't believe he ever felt guilty. Of course, I have no way of knowing as it wasn't something I asked or he offered.

 

For me, as I was cheating on my H, I absolutely felt guilt. Guilt at all my lies, guilt at not caring for him the way I should have been, guilt that I was giving my body to another man...the list goes on. Many will say (& I don't disagree) that I can't have felt that guilty if I continued the A, but I'm the only one who knows me best & I know I had terrible feelings of guilt. The result of that guilt was me confessing to my H (& he had no clue prior to that), ending the A, going to counseling for myself & for my marriage & putting everything I had into repairing the relationship I have with my H.

[fairy dust]

I am surprised. The articles I’ve read about infidelity all say how rare it is to not have a guilty spouse. I thought my married man wasn’t typical. I know he doesn’t feel guilt for cheating. I don’t know why. We are longterm but at the start married man had a young marriage and children. I think his wife just had their second child at the time. It surprises me that he didn’t feel guilty in the start either. I think he felt a sense of entitlement too and that no one was getting hurt but who knows. When I think about it, it seems strange sometimes that he can love his wife but feel nothing for cheating.

 

I’m not saying one is superior over the other but I would rather know my husband felt guilt for cheating.

[MissBee]

I am surprised. The articles I’ve read about infidelity all say how rare it is to not have a guilty spouse. I thought my married man wasn’t typical. I know he doesn’t feel guilt for cheating. I don’t know why. We are longterm but at the start married man had a young marriage and children. I think his wife just had their second child at the time. It surprises me that he didn’t feel guilty in the start either. I think he felt a sense of entitlement too and that no one was getting hurt but who knows. When I think about it, it seems strange sometimes that he can love his wife but feel nothing for cheating.

 

I’m not saying one is superior over the other but I would rather know my husband felt guilt for cheating.

 

Do you feel guilt? If you don't....then some of the reasons you have for not feeling bad or probably similar for him. As in, people can rationalize how they'd like for a situation and that leads to the degree of their guilt. The better your rationalizations the less guilty you're likely to feel.

 

Do you want him to feel guilty? How does his lack of guilt affect your perception of him?

[Confused4Now]

As a MM who was married when I started my A....It was fun being in a A in the beginning. With all the honeymoon stage however as time went on I realized I wanted more and more. I also realized I was not happy in my marriage. So 2 years into the A I announced to both my MW and my W that I was going to start my D. The guilt was overwhelming and it was causing me stomach(ulcer), bad eating habits and so on.

 

So I made a choice to get out. For some of you who have followed my story know what I went through with my xMW. It was clear what she was saying and what she was doing was to different things. She showed no guilt as she was quite happy on keeping me on the side. It took me a total of 3 years after I left my marriage to walk away from xMW.

 

My life is so much better cause I live in truth. I don't have to be in something that is a lie and the guilty almost killed me....

[skylarblue]

I asked xMM on two separate occasions if he felt guilty. 1st response: “Well, it’s too late to feel guilty now” (years into the affair). 2nd response: “I don’t feel guilty because I love you. You are my soulmate. I know it’s wrong, but I don’t have any regrets for us.” If a MM truly felt guilty, he would end the A within a short period. I doubt a MM having a LTA feels guilty.

[beenburned]

sky,

Your MM sounds like a sociopath.

[Spark1111]

I think during the affair, it must be really hard to tell.

 

If they truly felt that guilty, well, it would end, wouldn't it?

 

I think the emotions are very buried, very denied, and very compartmentalized. They TELL themselves, often, that they do not feel guilty, when maybe deep down they do.

 

Plus, they convince themselves that whats the spouse doesn't know can't hurt them, until a dday hits and it is exposed.

 

Then all those emotions they have been suppressing to have the affair, come pouring out as they finally realize the pain they have caused to others they love.

 

It is NOT unusual for a WS to be depressed, numb, filled with anxiety, and often suicidal after dday.

 

It is a forced collision of their illusory world (the affair) with the reality of their actions.

 

Pretty pathological is you ask me.

[MissBee]

I think one can feel guilt yet continue a behavior.

 

I felt guilt, yet continued. Hence, you end up feeling conflicted.

 

I do not think my exAP felt conflicted...makes sense, as he had no guilt.

 

Guilt just makes you feel bad about doing something you feel you shouldn't....but it doesn't make you stop.

[CarrieT]

Mine only felt guilty when he got caught - and then he tried to lie his way out of it...

 

Scum.

[ladydesigner]

I would think feeling no guilt for doing something harmful to another IS pathological.

 

My affair was revenge, but I did feel guilt. It never sat well with me. Conflicting at best. That time of my life I see as some of the worst.

[RickFox]

Personally, I don't think my xMW feels/felt any guilt but I guess it no longer matters. I feel a ton for what I did and what it did to my wife. I live with it every day when I look at her and see the pain it still causes almost a year now to the day.

 

I've replayed much of the affair, from xMW telling me that she noticed me right away and was trying to figure out a way to meet me, to her approaching me after a year long friendship and testing the waters with telling me she thought I was hot and when she found out I felt the same how quickly she wanted to "eff me so bad." Three weeks into the PA, she said she was falling for me... threw the L word out there....would get upset if I didn't say it back at all or fast enough.... comments about how she still loved her husband and wasn't ready to leave him yet would talk about having kids with me and starting a life.... saying if the sex wasn't so good it would be easy to walk away... and so on.

 

All those things to me, tells me she was playing me, having her cake and eating it too (yes I was doing the same), until dday hit, then it was protect her own Azz, at all costs, cutting me out of her life completely, suddenly her hateful husband and her had reconnected, she wanted nothing to do with me after she got a new ring, a new car....and she goes on with her life, as far as I've seen, no remorse, no guilt, living a lie quite easily. Yet when presented with the opportunity she would check my fb page, call me out on what she thought was something directed at her, despite her telling me to never talk to her again, until I finally got the damn thing to stay on private....

 

I don't think she cares what's happened to my marraige, my life, just as long as hers is hunky dory, she seems to compartmentalize better than most.

[mercy]

 

I don't think she cares what's happened to my marraige,

 

She never did, silly goose. For a time neither did you.

[MissBee]

Personally, I don't think my xMW feels/felt any guilt but I guess it no longer matters. I feel a ton for what I did and what it did to my wife. I live with it every day when I look at her and see the pain it still causes almost a year now to the day.

 

I've replayed much of the affair, from xMW telling me that she noticed me right away and was trying to figure out a way to meet me, to her approaching me after a year long friendship and testing the waters with telling me she thought I was hot and when she found out I felt the same how quickly she wanted to "eff me so bad." Three weeks into the PA, she said she was falling for me... threw the L word out there....would get upset if I didn't say it back at all or fast enough.... comments about how she still loved her husband and wasn't ready to leave him yet would talk about having kids with me and starting a life.... saying if the sex wasn't so good it would be easy to walk away... and so on.

 

All those things to me, tells me she was playing me, having her cake and eating it too (yes I was doing the same), until dday hit, then it was protect her own Azz, at all costs, cutting me out of her life completely, suddenly her hateful husband and her had reconnected, she wanted nothing to do with me after she got a new ring, a new car....and she goes on with her life, as far as I've seen, no remorse, no guilt, living a lie quite easily. Yet when presented with the opportunity she would check my fb page, call me out on what she thought was something directed at her, despite her telling me to never talk to her again, until I finally got the damn thing to stay on private....

 

I don't think she cares what's happened to my marraige, my life, just as long as hers is hunky dory, she seems to compartmentalize better than most.

 

Smh....well that sounds horrible.

[RickFox]

Mercy, you are correct, I wasn't thinking about my marriage, nor how my actions would affect it. I know now xMW never cared, or if she did, it was only in the moment, but I dont spend as much time thinking about it as I used to. I've let it go....she showed me everything I needed to see. The old adage, actions speak louder than words, it is so very true. My actions spoke volumes as well.....

 

MissBee, it's not as horrible as what I've done to my wife, the psychological damage I caused her and continue to cause. I realize now that all the pain I felt after being 'used' by xMW, is nothing compared to what my wife feels on a daily basis.

 

I've come a long way from the time my A ended. I still have issues with xMW, anger, sadness, confusion, less so than before but the emotions come up out of nowhere at times.

 

All I end up hoping for is somehow someway, xMW is forced to deal with all that has happened......might be too much to wish for.

[fairy dust]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

Miss Bee, I get what you’re saying.

 

I have moments of thought of guilt, but I don’t have to look at my spouse everyday knowing. I would think it would be hard to deal with. His guilt or lack of doesn’t affect my perception especially hearing it’s not so uncommon. Just wondering. The first time we had sex I was up all night worrying about him being tormented with guilt. I don’t know why married men seem so guiltless. I guess those articles were wrong. The posters who had guilt seem to become conflicted enough to stop the affair.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

Miss Bee, I get what you’re saying.

 

I have moments of thought of guilt, but I don’t have to look at my spouse everyday knowing. I would think it would be hard to deal with. His guilt or lack of doesn’t affect my perception especially hearing it’s not so uncommon. Just wondering. The first time we had sex I was up all night worrying about him being tormented with guilt. I don’t know why married men seem so guiltless. I guess those articles were wrong. The posters who had guilt seem to become conflicted enough to stop the affair.

 

I think most MM and MW for that matter probably hide that guilt from their AP. It is not something to be proud of (having an affair and all). I hid mine from my XAP.