How do I handle our 4th anniversary with it being our 1st anniversary apart?

[ready2moveon26]

Well my husband and I are still seperated...it's been 4 months this time...I've gone and gotten a lawyer...who he claims is too expensive...so he is supposed to be looking for one...but isn't...does this means he doesn't want a dissolution?

Our fourth anniversary is July 1...how do I handle that? I love him more than anything (other than our daughter) and do not want a dissolution...but I can't let him hurt me over and over anymore...help me...I don't know what to do...I have a date tomorrow and do not want to go...the guy I am going out with isn't the man I want...he isn't my husband...

[Leikela]

The fact that you're separated from your husband would probably be grounds to act like it's just another day. An anniversary is a celebration of another year of growth and love with the person you love. It doesn't symbolize something that's broken or a relationship that has stalled and hasn't moved in any direction.

 

Have you and your husband talked about reconciling? Have you address the issues in your marriage that need fixing?

[learnfrommymistake]

I have a similar but slightly different problem.. tomorrow is our aniversary, and it will also be the 6th day of our separation.

(fyi I do want us to get back together)

I will see her (we actually talked about having coffe together ) but I dont know what to say. I would love it to be

"happy anniversary" but with the current circumstances "happy" dosnt seem to be the right thing to say.

[ready2moveon26]

I was curious as to how it went on your anniversary...what happened?

[learnfrommymistake]

ready2moveon26

Not real well - I broke down in her presence, which just put her off and made her angry. I wanted to show her I cared, that the day was not insignificant to me. I know it was almost impossible for her to belive I cared about the day - I hadnt really done much for our last couple of

aniversaries. I bought her a single rose, which she told me not to give to her but then accepted and put it in a vase.

 

On my way home, she called and thanked me for the flower, and said it was very thoughtfull. This really just made me hurt more, because I know that I have not made her feel special on our aniversaries for a long time. I am sure she may think that I was just trying to prove something, but that really was not it - what I really wanted to do was take her out, spend the day with her, show her how much she means to me. Without that option all I could do was provide a small token of my feelings. Maby one day she will be able to accept that I am sincere, see that I really do love her and will spend the rest of my life showing her so if I ever get the chance.

 

Untill then I just wait, trying to give her her space, and hope our next aniversary wont be the same.

[ready2moveon26]

I just wanted to say thank you for letting me know how it went. I am really scared for our anniversary to come up. I think him and his new girl friend are no longer together because the other day when I called to talk to my daughter, he talked to me for a long time. Although we didn't talk about us or our situation, we talked about what is going on in his life (minus the relationship) and what is going on in mine. It was like we're friends again, but he can't do that when he's with someone else. I haven't found anyone else and I haven't because I don't want anyone else. He is the man I want in my life. I wish you luck and I hope your wife comes to her senses...and maybe my husband will too.

[Good2Go]

Ready,

If you aren't together anymore, it's not your 4th anniversary. The relationship stopped somewhere after the 3rd one. Don't beat yourself up or get all distressed. From now on out it's just another day.

 

Get yourself a hot date and have a good time.

[ready2moveon26]

As good as that sounds, I can't do it. Everyone I meet just gets on my nerves so bad, I can't stand to be around them for a long period of time...unless I've drank a lot. I compare everyone I meet to my husband and he always wins. We are still married so I do think of our 4th anniversary as of an anniversary. He won't pay his half of the lawyer fees, so we'll be married forever, which is how I want it, but I want to be married and together. I don't think I'll get the anniversary gift I want, so I guess I'll just have to think of it as just another day...although it is my parents anniversary too.

[learnfrommymistake]

ready

 

I think the advice from others to "go out and date and find someone else" is bad. I think that healing by way of replacement is bad for you and anyone you might date. Heal yourself first. If you have not yet let go, then you will only be hurting yourself and potentially another by pretending that you have. Even if you did find someone who peaked your interest and got you to "forget" for a while, if you have not healed you will eventually remember, and everything will come crashing down around you, with new added guilt about the new relationship.

 

I understand what you are feeling with others - right now even women I think are attractive make me physically sick to my stomach if I even try to think of their attractiveness - all I can feel is the emptyness without my wife.

 

I would reccomend for your anniversary you do not make a big deal of it, but you should acknowledge it. Dont push yourself on him, it will only make a bad memory for the special day. Do something simple, a letter, an email, a flower. Do yourself and him a favor and make sure you dont do anything that will create that horrid empty silence that will make you just want to dump out your feelings - it will not help, on a day like this feelings and thought and pain will just get mixed all up and leave you both confused, upset and angry.

 

If you are afraid of a face to face contact falling apart, do something you can send. And dont expect anything in return. One thing I am finding through my own journy is what love really is - giving. Not giving and receiveing, but giving.

 

Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

[ready2moveon26]

My husband and I talked tonight on the phone for quite a while. We discussed a lot from why I am not taking a great job opportunity in another state to our anniversary. When we began talking about our anniversary, I asked him if he even knew when it was. He said that he did and then asked me what kind of gift I would like. I told him what I wanted, he wasn't willing to give. He said he had planned on getting me a card and I told him not to because this anniversary doesn't mean anything to him, so why lie to me anymore. He said he does love me but feels that we can not be married. I love him so much and can't stop thinking about him now. We also talked about his girlfriend and my lack of boyfriend. I keep pushing people away and told him that. I asked him if he was happy and he said, he was getting there. I told him that I didn't want him to be happy, because I am not happy and I don't want him to be happy if I'm not. I know that is selfish, but we were saying our real feelings and I had to say it because it is how I really feel. I feel like I've been replaced...his new girlfriend practically lives with him and his brother and she acts as a mom to our daughter when she is with her dad. He knows how I feel now and I even told him at the end of our conversation that I do love him and I would be willing to be his friend if that is all he wants. I don't know how I'm going to handle this anniversary, but I do know I'll feel a little better knowing he at least knew it was coming up.

 

And Learn...you are EXACTLY right about love being giving...I have a lot of love to give...it's just that I want to give it to someone that doesn't want it anymore.

[ready2moveon26]

I will be seeing my husband tomorrow because he is picking our daughter up for his week with her. (He gets her a week and I get her a week and so on.) I have felt really strange about our situation in the last few days, so I decided to write him a letter that I will mail to arrive on (or very close to) our anniversary...here it is...let me know what you all think.

Adam,

It is our anniversary and I thought I should tell you how I really feel. I have loved you for six years now and I will continue loving you for the rest of my life. You will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart and my life. We have been married four years today, so I thought I would remind you of our vows.

Adam: Deanna, I am holding the hands of my best friend, young, strong, and vibrant with love. Your hands are in mine on our wedding day as we promise to love one another all the days of our lives.

My hands are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

My hands are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into my eyes that are filled completely with my overwhelming love and desire for you.

My hands are the hands that will hold you in joy, excitement, and hope as each and everytime you tell me that we are to have another child, that together we have created a new life.

My hands are the hands that look so large and so strong yet will be so gentle as I hold our baby for the first time.

My hands are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years for a lifetime of happiness.

Deanna: Adam I am holding the hands of my best friend, young, strong, and vibrant with love. My hands are in yours on our wedding day as we promise to love one another all the days of our lives.

My hands are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick or console you when you are grieving.

My hands are the hands that will give you support as I encourage you to chase down your dreams.

My hands are the hands that will place your hands with expectant joy against my stomach until you finally too feel our baby stir within me.

My hands are the hands that will work along side yours, as together we build our future, as we laugh, as we cry, and as we share our innermost secrets and dreams.

My hands are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years for a lifetime of happiness.

Adam: Today as we move from I to we, Deanna, take this ring as a symbol of my decision to join my life with yours from now until forever.

I walked to this place all alone today and now we shall leave together.

Today we join our lives; I am not mearly becoming your husband, but your friend, your lover, and the father of your children.

Let me be the shoulder you lean on, the rock you stand on, and the one you spend the rest of your life with. I love you!

Deanna: Today as we move from I to we, Adam, take this ring as a symbol of my decision to join my life with yours from now until forever.

I walked to this place all alone today and now we shall leave together.

Today we join our lives; I am not mearly becoming your wife, but your friend, your lover, and the mother of your children.

Let me be the shoulder you lean on, the rock you stand on, and the one you spend the rest of your life with. I love you!

 

I meant every word I said, and I know you did too, but as it seems, things do change. You are still my best friend. You know me better than anyone in the world, you even know me better than I know myself. I knew the person you used to be. I loved the person you used to be, but I still love the person you are now. You are a GREAT father and more often than not, (not lately of course) have been a GREAT husband as well. I realize now that I have a lot more respect for you now for being so much more open and honest with me about all of your feelings and that really means a lot to me. If we can not make it as husband and wife, I would still like to keep our vows and remain best friends for the rest of our lives. I really do love you!

 

All my love,

Deanna