spittingrage Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 My husband and I still live together but are in the process of separating and divorcing, for reasons that can be reviewed from my previous posts if you care to go there. Short version: we can't get along because 1). I'm a recovering alcoholic and he is an active very heavy drinker / drug user, 2). he came out as bisexual 5 years into our marriage, and 3). he refused to do any kind of work with me to save the marriage (e.g., couples therapy, behavior changes, substance abuse counseling, etc). He's planning to move out by the end of May, but the truth of the matter is that the marriage has been over for some time; financial problems kept us living together when we would rather have not. We also have a 4 year old son, who we've already agreed that I will have full custody of once my husband and I split. I have recently connected with someone I've been acquainted in online circles for several years. This man lives 1200 miles away from me, but we apparently have a LOT in common - interests, personality, personal situation (he's a recovering alkie like me, and is recently divorced with partial custody of his kids). Folks in recovery tend to be pretty open with their history, and both he and I have made it a policy to be rigorously honest with each other about what's going on in our lives. So far the nature of the connection has been strictly electronic - emails, texts, online chats, telephone conversations. But we've shared a lot of information within a short time, and things are really heating up. There seems to be a very strong mutual attraction going on here, almost to the point of being in love without having actually met each other yet. Both of us are mature, intelligent people (he's 47, I'm 40), but we're floored by what seems to be happening between us. I'm planning to fly out and visit with him in a few weeks - he has a legal situation relating to his recovery that requires him to stay within his home state for the next few months, but his job is also one that doesn't allow for easy relocation; additionally, he has his partial custody with his three kids to consider, but he fully understands and is fine with me and my son being a "package deal". The subject of my moving my son and I out to him has come up more than once, but both of us want to see what happens when we're actually together in person. I guess what I'm wondering is, am I completely crazy to even be considering this? Does anyone here have some advice or suggestions on how to proceed? I think I really like this man a lot, and it seems to me that despite the circumstances we could have a real future together. I'm all ears! Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 The most important concern shall be how much you continue to like the long-distance man after you are truly separated and divorced. Sometimes the long-distance thing is merely a means of inspiring you out of your (personal hell). Once there, the world suddenly looks brighter and more filled with potential (finally). That said, you are not "completely crazy"... for there is some very therapeutic element to pouring your feelings and insecurities out there in front of someone, and then meeting that person in the flesh, (and feeling as if your own vulnerabilities are sitting there right before you - while being quite startled to know you're still breathing simultaneous to that). Link to post Share on other sites
Author spittingrage Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 I agree that the rubber will hit the road (so to speak) once me and the new man are fact to face, which is set to happen in about 38 days. I also agree that it will be telling to see what happens as the separation and divorce from my husband unfolds. My instinct is telling me that this thing that's developing between me and my L.D. guy is for real, but of course both of us want to be sure, or at least as sure as possible (i.e., there are no guarantees in life). My L.D. guy has already had a "rebound" romance since his wife left him, and he's told me that he doesn't want to be just a rebound relationship for me. I don't think that's what's going on, but I guess there's just no way to be sure without doing more research and development. And it's my intention to do exactly that! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I say this with respect - Don't get involved with this other guy quite yet. Now isn't the time to open up and get close to someone else. for your own recovery and also to have time alone after divorcing is healthy. This other online guy, as much as you think you know him, you don't. You both have baggage and kids to consider.. he has a legal situation relating to his recovery that requires him to stay within his home state for the next few months, but his job is also one that doesn't allow for easy relocation; additionally, he has his partial custody with his three kids to consider, but he fully understands and is fine with me and my son being a "package deal". The subject of my moving my son and I out to him has come up more than once, but both of us want to see what happens when we're actually together in person. Do you know what his 'legal' situation is that he can't leave his own State? Red flag! Don't make ANY plans or future talk of moving etc., until you two actually have met and got to know one another better. I see you are aware of this, who knows what could happen, but please, just be safe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spittingrage Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 I say this with respect - Don't get involved with this other guy quite yet. Now isn't the time to open up and get close to someone else. for your own recovery and also to have time alone after divorcing is healthy. This other online guy, as much as you think you know him, you don't. You both have baggage and kids to consider.. Do you know what his 'legal' situation is that he can't leave his own State? Red flag! Don't make ANY plans or future talk of moving etc., until you two actually have met and got to know one another better. I see you are aware of this, who knows what could happen, but please, just be safe. Thanks for your post. I do know the full details of my LD's legal situation; I just didn't post them. He's on probation because of DUIs he incurred before he got sober; his probation will end in February 2013. While his DUIs are of course a very serious matter, he is serving his probation to the absolute letter of the law. He's also actively embraced AA, has over a year of continuous sobriety, and is working the program closely with a sponsor (as am I). He has been totally honest and extremely humble with me about his situation, and I admire and respect him for this - it takes guts and character. Yes, there has been a lot of talk about the future between us - I think that's only natural given the complexity of both our individual lives. But first and foremost we've made concrete plans to meet at the end of April - I'm flying out to spend a long weekend with him. I'll be meeting his kids and his sponsor, attending AA meetings with him, etc. ;-) Additional plans are in the works for me to come out again this summer with my son to meet more of his family, introduce the kiddos, etc. No, the situation isn't perfect, but it seems to me that both of us are dedicated to being as responsible as we can about how we go about this thing. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Any plans you are making are strictly fantasy until you actually meet. One or both of you might be unpleasantly surprised. I speak from experience. I thought AA discouraged people from getting involved with anyone for at least a few years after they stopped drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
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