Facts of Life I have learned so far...

[RareGuy]

Hello everyone. Just found this board today, and I'm instantly hooked. I'll give you a quickie history of myself. I have been the victim in my life, and have almost been the OM/ cheater. The only thing that kept me from becoming the OM was the fact that I was first the victim. I thought I'd try to contribute a little bit...(just random thoughts)

 

Love is not so much a pure 'emotion' as it is a choice...there are times you won't feel close to your spouse, love is having the fortitude to stay strong. If he doesn't love her enough to be strong for her, he doesn't love you enough either...he doesn't know how to.

 

They(the wives) will never understand you, and you will never understand them, until you have been in the other's shoes. Let's hope neither of you have to find out.

 

In life, there are 2 kinds of people, the "users" and the "used". The "users" never get it, until the moment after "the used" has had enough...

 

...also, 2 of "the used" people almost never get together.

 

Love at first sight is a myth. Lust at first sight is not.

 

He will always tell you that he isn't happy, he's staying for the kids; if he was telling the truth, he'd be divorced. Someone as selfish as him wouldn't REALLY do anything that selfless.

 

He will also say she is lousy in bed; if she is that bad, he'd be divorced. Someone as selfish as him wouldn't REALLY do anything that selfless.

 

The only thing worse then him not leaving his wife, is if he DOES leave his wife.

 

There is a such thing as forgiving, but there is no such thing as forgetting.

[moimeme]

He will also say she is lousy in bed; if she is that bad, he'd be divorced. Someone as selfish as him wouldn't REALLY do anything that selfless.

 

Excellent point! Great post, too Sorry you had to find out the hard way.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by RareGuy

 

He will always tell you that he isn't happy, he's staying for the kids; if he was telling the truth, he'd be divorced. Someone as selfish as him wouldn't REALLY do anything that selfless.

 

He will also say she is lousy in bed; if she is that bad, he'd be divorced. Someone as selfish as him wouldn't REALLY do anything that selfless.

 

The only thing worse then him not leaving his wife, is if he DOES leave his wife.

 

Bravo!! Very wise words! Welcome to the board, RareGuy. I hope you decide to stick around. This place could use your wisdom.

[RareGuy]

Thanks for your kind words. It has been tough, but she is worth it. We have never separated, and recently celebrated our 12 th anniversary.

 

I suppose the close call I had with being the MM with an OW, although I don't know how much because I did ultimately do the right thing. Maybe I should explain my situation a little so that I make more sense.

 

I was married very young, at 18 when my wife was 16. We had been dating for over 2 years, behind her parents back, because they hated me. You see, I was quite the "bad" boy. I had got a reputation with parents of girls around my age as a user. I was the guy your mama told you to stay away from. I don't know if I really earned this rep...maybe I did.

 

From the first time I saw her, I knew she was something special. It was funny the first time we ever went out...she was scared to even sit next to me LOL. Like I was going to use osmosis or something to have sex with her . She had heard about me too, and thought my intentions were to love her and leave her. I still don't know why she ever agreed to go out.

 

Well I shocked her by NOT trying anything too early, and respecting her. After going out with her for 3 months, we were making out at my home. I suppose I was getting a little too frisky, and she told me to stop, she wasn't ready. What she still didn't know was that I was madly in love with her. Again I surprised her. I looked her straight in her eyes, and made her look into mine. I told her "I don't care if we do anything. I don't care if you aren't ready now; I don't care if you aren't ready for years. I love you, and I'll wait." I really don't think she was expecting that. Does it sound like a good line? Maybe, but I meant it and she knew it.

 

From that point on, we were madly in love. Her parents hated me, and tried to lock her away. Needless to say it didn't work out for them. I won't drag out all the details, but just say that we tried everything to be together including her getting pregnant. Well we got pregnant sometime within the same month that her parents split up, and her mother allowed us to start dating. (ACK!!) I know, it was a stupid idea in the first place, but 2 teenagers as in love as we were, we weren't thinking straight.

 

That being said, we were married and were sooo happy. My daughter was the most beautiful thing on this earth (She used to wake us up in the middle of the night laughing her head off LOL! Such a happy baby ) Now we were poor, but we were together, and that was what was important.

 

Then life happens. I had an accident at my work. I was in training to become manager of a butcher shop. I lost my right forearm. This is a whole other story I won't get into now; I just add it here to let you know of this major life change. She was wonderful through the whole thing, and I have to say, so was I. My doctor told her that I would pull back from the world, and refuse to be social. I would probably push her away, and she should prepare herself for the possibility. Well, screw him, nothing like that ever happened to me. See, when you have everything you've ever wanted in life, my wife and a healthy baby girl, the other stuff doesn't matter.

 

The only thing I felt bad about was that before, I was considered pretty good-looking, and I felt like it wasn't fair to her because she had married this good looking man, and now she had what was left. Now she on the other hand, thought I was just as attractive as before, or at least did a very good job convincing me of it. I can't put into words how great she was.

 

I'm getting kinda long here, so I'll start a new post...

[RareGuy]

Now that I've got you up to this point, lets continue...

 

Now, for those of you who have been through it know, our age should have thrown up a big red flag in my first post, as this will be the main source of problems for the rest of my posts. I know, we were too young, but have you ever tried TELLING someone that young that? You'd have better luck telling grass not to grow.

 

Now that being said, I agree we were too young. But what do you do when you meet the right person too young? I've been through it, but damned if I know the answer to that even now. But back to my story...

 

We were about a year over my accident. I had begun picking up light jobs like convenience stores, because that was about all I could do. I was working at this one particular store when the lady I worked with had to be out for surgery. I talked it over with my boss, and he agreed to let my wife work in her place while she was out so we could make a little extra money. This was the biggest mistake of my life, as she met "him" while working there.

 

Our relationship had really killed her relationship with her dad, who had always been her closest parent. This guy looked, sounded, and treated her like him, when times were good that is. She never intentionally made anything happen with him, but he sure pursued her. And he filled a hole in her life, however falsely, that I could not. Well things happened over a 2 month period, and she didn't know how to stop it. This is how I came to find out about it.

 

See, I loved her so strongly, and she knew it. She knew she was making a mistake, and she really didn't want it to happen. But this father figure role he played himself into was more than she could resist, at least initially. Now if it sounds like I'm making excuses for her her, maybe I am. But she came to me when she couldn't find a way to stop it, and she desperately wanted to. She had tried to tell him to leave her alone, but the punk kept chasing her, stalking her. Now she knows I would do anything for her, I have always been the one to save her. And I saved her again. She thought I would leave her when I found out, but I surprised her again. See, I meant what I said when I said I love her, and with me, love is eternal.

 

Now working through this was hard as hell. I used to be proud of myself, I would always get stares from women when I went out in public. Although it dropped off significantly after my accident, I still got a lot of looks when I was in a car or something when women couldn't see my disability. (Women don't know how cruel they can be...if you are looking at a guy then notice he is missing a hand or some other disability, please try to be tactful when you decide he isn't attractive anymore )

 

I included this part to let you know a little bit about how men's minds work, yes even good men. I was in love with my wife truly and deeply. I would not dare mess with another woman besides my wife. But when women noticed me, it really bolstered my self-confidence. Men have to have their ego stroked often, and this is what being noticed did for me. I feel that this is what you do for your MM in a lot of cases; you make him feel wanted, like he still has "it". Anyway, back to my story...

 

We went through months of pure hell. I had always put her and our love on a pedestal. I really thought we were rare and nothing could ever come between us. It is very hard to have this dream shattered. Well over time, the pain lessened, and our relationship got better. I went to college to improve our financial situation, and everything was good again for the next 5 or so years.

 

Time for a break...next post

[RareGuy]

After I finished college, I went on to a much better paying job. I started having real confidence in my relationship. After all, we met at a VERY early age, and she had no life experience, she was entitled a mistake.

 

Then it happened again. Much less serious as far as having a relationship with another man, but much more devastating to me. My best friend was staying at my house a lot at the time because he was having trouble at home. I was having a pretty serious headache that day, and so I was pretty out of it. I went to take a long bath, to try to relax and hopefully relieve the headache some. While I was in the bathroom, I heard my wife say "no" pretty loudly. I thought he was teasing her or something, he does that all the time, So I got out of the tub and went back with them.

 

While I was sitting there, I started having second thoughts about that "no". Was I crazy, or did that sound a little different than just a stop picking on me no, but something different. Now I don't know or can't explain why or how I figured this, but I did. So I still had the headache, I thought if I told him I was going to lie down, he would go ahead and leave. He didn't, and I couldn't lay down and sleep either. I felt something was going wrong.

 

So I peeked, and saw it. He was playing with her, and she wasn't saying no anymore. Now this part I can't figure out about my reaction; I didn't run out to bust them. See, this was my best friend from childhood, and the woman I love. What I wanted to happen was for one of them to get up, and say this isn't right. So I waited. It didn't happen. Now there was no oral sex, nothing but heavy petting. But cheating is cheating, and she wasn't stopping. Finally I walked in on them, when I knew I would catch them.

 

Now I sent him home to his wife, after making him promise not to say anything to her. I didn't want her to be hurt by it, and I hadn't let anything happen. I am still friends with him believe it or not, but I will always be his friend...I love him and as I said, I love forever. But he will never be "my" friend again.

 

Now my wife told me everything, and that "no" I heard was indeed her telling him to stop at first. Maybe I should have handled it differently, but I feel I found out what I needed to know. Now this was almost the last straw. The only thing harder than starting over the first time is starting over the second. I went a little crazy after that, but only a little; I still had my daughter and being there for her kept me together.

 

Now there have been other things that have happened between the first time and the second that makes me think that these were not the only two. Now I can't justify that with any evidence, and of course the 2 times I did catch her made me paranoid as hell. But this time something seemed different.

 

She told me with everything in her that she had been trying so hard to make it up to me since the first guy, and she can't believe she messed up again. This was the only time anything like this had happened with him, and for many reasons I knew that was the truth. So one MAJOR slip-up after a pretty good 5 years, I decided to give it one more chance. This woman has done everything in her power to make it up to me, and to never be in the situation again. The most important thing that helped me get over it this second time was that she not only told me, she showed me.

 

Now I don't know if she has held her end of the bargain. I mean, who can ever be sure when it has happened before. But I have seen nothing to make me believe otherwise. It has been 7 years since the last time, and we seem to be happier every year. I really do think that my problems stem from our age when we met, but she knows as I do that we were meant for each other.

 

ALL her girl friends compare their men to me. When she talks to them about their relationships, they are always saying, "You've had ---------- (name edited) all your life, what would you know about the ***holes I have to date?" or "I just wish I had somebody that treats me like --------- treats you". She knows what she has and they do too. I knew several couples that married young like we did, they are all divorced, some of them 2 or 3 times.

 

I am her rock, and always will be. I can now see clearly, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, or perfect love. The newness wears off, you are going to get complacent with your spouse, its going to happen. And they are going to ignore you and treat you wrongly and selfishly sometimes. Nobody deserves to go through the hell that I went through, but if you get married before you are old enough, write this down; "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE THE SAME TYPE PROBLEMS I HAD. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO BELIEVE IT, YOUR LOVE/MARRIAGE ISN'T PERFECT, AND YOU AREN'T THE EXCEPTION". Now in my case, I was strong enough to hold it together when she wasn't. Most people aren't. Maybe I'm bragging a bit, but I am proud of what I have accomplished. I have been tested harder than a man should be tested, and I came out ok. And I was able to save my marriage in the process.

[RareGuy]

Last part, I promise.

 

I never told you how I almost became the OM. About the time of the incident with my best friend, we had started hanging around with a distant cousin of mine, and his wife. Now he had a beautiful wife, and I was secretly attracted to her. Now I would never act on that, but I am human, and I am attracted to the opposite sex. What I soon found out was she was attracted to me too.

 

Now remember from my story, I lost my arm at 18, and had my wife cheat on me twice, once 5 years prior and one more time while I was dealing with this. My confidence in myself as a man was lower than I can describe. I was always pretty good with women, now I seemed to be repulsive to them. And one of those women no longer attracted to me might be my wife. Now here was this beautiful woman that wanted me just like I am, disability and all. My confidence was jumping and I started pulling out of what I realize now was a pretty deep depression.

 

Now I feel nothing would have ever happened that was even remotely like cheating, but like I said, soon after we started hanging out with them, the thing with my best friend happened. So this was going on at a time where I was very vulnerable, and I was unsure if I even wanted to stay with my wife.

 

It started with a few looks. Then we would "accidentally" bump into or brush up against one another. Then we would flirt pretty heavily when we would be the only 2 people in the room while we were hanging out. Mostly it was her, my cousin, and myself...my wife was giving me space, and therefore stopped coming with me most of the time. I cannot tell you how much she helped me build my confidence at that time.

 

After a few weeks, she finally called me at work. We started talking on the phone when we could, mostly her calling me, but I did call her a few times. We would just talk about anything at first. Then we got more serious, though it was still a phone relationship. She always told me how sexy she thought I was, which was like giving a steak to a starving man...I was eating it up. The last few times we talked, she kept dropping not very suttle hints about wanting to get me alone. Now I was very attracted to her, and I was still very angry with my wife. It isn't strong enough to say I was tempted.

 

But this is where I made a decision. This is the reason I think I am a rare man. This was a beautiful woman, and I was very attracted. I knew she was in a bad relationship, and I had absolutely no reason to be loyal to my wife who had just kicked my heart out again. But I just couldn't do it. I'm not wired that way. Most men and all my friends would call me a damn fool for not taking advantage of the situation. But I've always thought cheating was wrong, and this was the ultimate test. Am I the man I've always claimed I am; are my values important to me just when they work in my favor, or are they truly my core? Well after a long heart to heart with her, I explained that we couldn't, I couldn't. It was against everything I had always been about. She understood, but left the offer on the table. I never to this day took advantage of the situation.

 

Well I'm certainly long-winded tonight. You see, I've always wanted to talk to someone about these things that have happened to me. But I never have. I am her rock...letting others find out about our past would hurt her, I wouldn't be protecting her if anyone found out, so I've always kept it inside. I think that's why I was instantly attracted to this forum when I stumbled onto it.

 

For those of you who stuck around, thank you for reading my story, it makes me feel better having told it. Even if no one hears.

[Fancy]

Wow, I don't even know what to say. Your story was interesting to say the least. I'm so sorry to hear about your accident but it seems that you've learned a lot and are coping well with it. I admire your ability to be so candid and open to a bunch of strangers. I've been here for months and I have yet to open up much about anything. You've certainly learned some tough life lessons. You should be very proud of yourself. Hopefully you'll be able to offer others here some insight and let them learn from you as well.

[RareGuy]

Thanks Fancy

 

I didn't know it was still there, I've been holding it in for so long. Stumbling onto these forums has already been helpful, I just exploded my story all over this post . It really felt great to release it all, I really have never told a soul. I didn't even mean to. Once I started typing, I couldn't stop.

 

I hope maybe I can help someone, or at least give them something to think about.

 

I'm coping pretty well now. I've always wanted to try teaching; I just finished my 3rd year. Money still isn't great, but I get a lot of time off. I can't put a value on that.

 

As for my choice of where I posted this...well I guess the OW are the ones I wish it was in my power to help. Men really tick me off. I know maybe 3 or 4 in my life that deserve a woman. Am I being harsh? Maybe. It's just that part of me that just has to be there for my wife sort of applies to all women. It makes me mad when I see this otherwise great woman that can't stay out of these self-destructive relationships. And men aren't dogs; dogs are loyal. They are more like sharks. They will tear you apart if they sense weakness.

 

OW are also the women I struggle most to understand...I've known several. Most will have opportunities to go out with nice single guys, but can't resist the temptation of that MM. I sincerely wish I could personally straighten them out...show them what love really is instead of what they are accepting in their life as love. I don't know what makes me think like this, its like I'm a man, and I have man thoughts. I know what is going on in a man's mind, and it certainly isn't what the OW are hearing from him.

[Matilda]

Thanks for sharing your story, and giving a man's point of view.

[confuzed7]

Originally posted by RareGuy

 

OW are also the women I struggle most to understand...I've known several. Most will have opportunities to go out with nice single guys, but can't resist the temptation of that MM. I sincerely wish I could personally straighten them out...show them what love really is instead of what they are accepting in their life as love. I don't know what makes me think like this, its like I'm a man, and I have man thoughts. I know what is going on in a man's mind, and it certainly isn't what the OW are hearing from him.

 

I think it takes alot to understand a OW. I am one; however, my situation is different then alot I have read on these forums. I was THE women, then he left me married and now is back to me. It isn't the temptation of a MM that brought me to my current state, it is a love of the father of my first child that brought me here.

 

I know there are two sides and the truth to every story; however, unique to my situation is I do what is going on and has been going on in their marriage through friends and my own eyes (my eyes the last 2 years).

 

I hate the situation I am in......believe me I am not proud of it, but I am also very much in love with him, and am willing to stand by him while he works through it (we are in counseling together...his wife won't/would not go).

 

I know what we have is love........and has we talked about 10 minutes ago before he left to take our daughter and my other two children to the movies before I got ready to go out, who is to say what is right?????????? The people involved have to make that decision.........and I told him he needed to tell his wife straight out what was happening here. I know he has told her bits and pieces.......she is in the process of moving back out of state.

 

Mainly what I want to say to you (or more everyone on the board that comes down on OW/OM) is you HAVE to live in my shoes to understand what is going on, and until you do, you have no right to pass a judgement on me. While it may not be the way you would choose to love, I am not going to pass up my true love because of it.

 

I feel for your situation.

[kechara]

Hey Rare Guy-

Thanks for renewing my hope in men. Also, thanks for the comment about values. I wasn't strong enough this time. I put my foot down in the same manner as you stated, but, like an idiot, I picked it back up again. I won't do that again.

 

As for why we do it, I wonder if it's just that we need to feel needed. That need is hardwired into the female psyche and I wonder if that is part of the attraction to the MM touting "messed-up family"/"unfulfilled needs at home".

 

After all, a single guy doesn't need rescuing.

An unhappily married MM does.

 

What a trap.

[Phelly]

touching story, rareguy.

You have a talent for writing, I think. Once I started reading somehow I couldn't stop lol

 

Though it helps that your story was very interesting and I'm glad you posted it.

And it was touching, like I said. Because I can't imagine what I'd do in your situation. But you took it "like a man."

 

You set a fine example for any MM to follow.