gullible Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I January, 2008 I told my wife I wanted a divorce, primarily because she had been secretly meeting with an ex-lover. She claimed the OM was just a "friend" and that there was nothing going on. In November, 2007 she offered to set up a meeting between the three of us so that I could see that they were just friends. In reality she had no intention of ever setting up a meeting. She claimed he cancelled three times. I decided not to ruin Christmas and to wait until January to talk to her about it. I January I asked when the meeting was going to be and she said that she had cut off all contact with him and that she would be embarrassed to contact him now and set up a meeting. I was devastated. Her concern was with being embarrassed with him. No concern about me. I had been spying on her email, so I had his phone number. I called and asked him if W had set up a meeting between us. He was a little hesitant to answer, but finally said no. He assured me that nothing was going on and that they were old friends. I think she had an affair with him when she was married to her ex-husband but I have no firm proof. I asked him if his wife knew about the fact that he was getting together with my wife. He said, yes his wife knew everything. That they were swingers and she let him play around. Yet I'm supposed to believe that there was nothing physical going on with my wife. I told my wife that I was getting a divorce. She played the sympathy card and asked that I stay until she got a better job. That was over 4 years ago and she never got a better job. I stressed many times that I had no problems with her being friends with him, the thing that I couldn't tolerate was her being sneaky about it and meeting him behind my back. Lies and deception are my main concerns. If he's really just a friend, there's no problem, even if he was once a lover. For about 3 1/2 years I woke up every night thinking about it and wondering if they were still seeing each other. Every month I would go over the cell phone bill to see if she had called him. There was nothing, so after 3 1/2 years I kinda got over it. Then today I had to take her to the hospital and she gave me her wallet to keep. Just out of curiosity I looked through her wallet and there was his business card. In 2007 he was an engineer, however he's apparently retired is now a photographer. The business card showed scantily dressed females, so apparently he specializes in erotic photography. I looked at his website, and this is confirmed. So I've been wondering why she would have his business card. Let's say she just happened to run into him at the mall and he gave her her card. Knowing the way I feel why wouldn't she either tell me about it or throw the card away? There were no other business cards in the wallet. All it would have taken to make me happy is for her to say "I ran into J at the mall today and he's now a photographer. He gave me his card." I would have thought there was nothing going on or she wouldn't have told me about it and I would have been happy. I know this is very minor compared to the problems that many of the posters have, but it really bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I January, 2008 I told my wife I wanted a divorce, primarily because she had been secretly meeting with an ex-lover. She claimed the OM was just a "friend" and that there was nothing going on. In November, 2007 she offered to set up a meeting between the three of us so that I could see that they were just friends. In reality she had no intention of ever setting up a meeting. She claimed he cancelled three times. I decided not to ruin Christmas and to wait until January to talk to her about it. I January I asked when the meeting was going to be and she said that she had cut off all contact with him and that she would be embarrassed to contact him now and set up a meeting. I was devastated. Her concern was with being embarrassed with him. No concern about me. I had been spying on her email, so I had his phone number. I called and asked him if W had set up a meeting between us. He was a little hesitant to answer, but finally said no. He assured me that nothing was going on and that they were old friends. I think she had an affair with him when she was married to her ex-husband but I have no firm proof. I asked him if his wife knew about the fact that he was getting together with my wife. He said, yes his wife knew everything. That they were swingers and she let him play around. Yet I'm supposed to believe that there was nothing physical going on with my wife. I told my wife that I was getting a divorce. She played the sympathy card and asked that I stay until she got a better job. That was over 4 years ago and she never got a better job. I stressed many times that I had no problems with her being friends with him, the thing that I couldn't tolerate was her being sneaky about it and meeting him behind my back. Lies and deception are my main concerns. If he's really just a friend, there's no problem, even if he was once a lover. For about 3 1/2 years I woke up every night thinking about it and wondering if they were still seeing each other. Every month I would go over the cell phone bill to see if she had called him. There was nothing, so after 3 1/2 years I kinda got over it. Then today I had to take her to the hospital and she gave me her wallet to keep. Just out of curiosity I looked through her wallet and there was his business card. In 2007 he was an engineer, however he's apparently retired is now a photographer. The business card showed scantily dressed females, so apparently he specializes in erotic photography. I looked at his website, and this is confirmed. So I've been wondering why she would have his business card. Let's say she just happened to run into him at the mall and he gave her her card. Knowing the way I feel why wouldn't she either tell me about it or throw the card away? There were no other business cards in the wallet. All it would have taken to make me happy is for her to say "I ran into J at the mall today and he's now a photographer. He gave me his card." I would have thought there was nothing going on or she wouldn't have told me about it and I would have been happy. I know this is very minor compared to the problems that many of the posters have, but it really bothers me. It seems you should've divorced her a while ago. Obviously she's a habitual liar who won't stop sneaking around on you. Time to let the wolf roam back in nature. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 why are you apologizing for feeling upset? If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be upset too. It's a lack of honesty thing... whether or not there was anything else going on doesn't matter ( if you know what i mean)...it's the lack of honesty oh her part that's the issue... i don't think she really gets it, and i have to wonder if she ever will sorry you have been put through such a crappy time...i know how much it hurts...please feel free to share as much as you like...most of us have been there and we completely understand seems some people are cut out to me monogomous...I often wonder why the people who can be monogomous can't end up together, and the people who can't be monogamous can't end up together...that way everyone would have what they want and we'd all be a lot happier:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I wouldn't be surprised if she has been cheating on you all along. Why did your wife and her ex husband divorce? Was she cheating on him too? Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Of course you're upset. A business card means recent contact. And who knows what that could mean? It's time to check phone records again. Do not confront her unless you want her to cover her tracks. Dig, dig, dig...then when you have proof, confront her. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I January, 2008 I told my wife I wanted a divorce, primarily because she had been secretly meeting with an ex-lover. She claimed the OM was just a "friend" and that there was nothing going on. In November, 2007 she offered to set up a meeting between the three of us so that I could see that they were just friends. In reality she had no intention of ever setting up a meeting. She claimed he cancelled three times. I decided not to ruin Christmas and to wait until January to talk to her about it. I January I asked when the meeting was going to be and she said that she had cut off all contact with him and that she would be embarrassed to contact him now and set up a meeting. I was devastated. Her concern was with being embarrassed with him. No concern about me. I had been spying on her email, so I had his phone number. I called and asked him if W had set up a meeting between us. He was a little hesitant to answer, but finally said no. He assured me that nothing was going on and that they were old friends. I think she had an affair with him when she was married to her ex-husband but I have no firm proof. I asked him if his wife knew about the fact that he was getting together with my wife. He said, yes his wife knew everything. That they were swingers and she let him play around. Yet I'm supposed to believe that there was nothing physical going on with my wife. I told my wife that I was getting a divorce. She played the sympathy card and asked that I stay until she got a better job. That was over 4 years ago and she never got a better job. I stressed many times that I had no problems with her being friends with him, the thing that I couldn't tolerate was her being sneaky about it and meeting him behind my back. Lies and deception are my main concerns. If he's really just a friend, there's no problem, even if he was once a lover. For about 3 1/2 years I woke up every night thinking about it and wondering if they were still seeing each other. Every month I would go over the cell phone bill to see if she had called him. There was nothing, so after 3 1/2 years I kinda got over it. Then today I had to take her to the hospital and she gave me her wallet to keep. Just out of curiosity I looked through her wallet and there was his business card. In 2007 he was an engineer, however he's apparently retired is now a photographer. The business card showed scantily dressed females, so apparently he specializes in erotic photography. I looked at his website, and this is confirmed. So I've been wondering why she would have his business card. Let's say she just happened to run into him at the mall and he gave her her card. Knowing the way I feel why wouldn't she either tell me about it or throw the card away? There were no other business cards in the wallet. All it would have taken to make me happy is for her to say "I ran into J at the mall today and he's now a photographer. He gave me his card." I would have thought there was nothing going on or she wouldn't have told me about it and I would have been happy. I know this is very minor compared to the problems that many of the posters have, but it really bothers me. You and wife sitting at the breakfast table. You 'lay out the business card in front of her' and don't say a word You'll be able to telll a lot from her reaction. Wait for her to speak. Sometimes actions are a million times more effective than words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Why did your wife and her ex husband divorce? Was she cheating on him too? She claims it was because he was lazy and wouldn't work and she was tired of supporting him. She has been very careful to keep me from ever meeting him. It's time to check phone records again. I did that yesterday and found no phone calls. Of course she could have been calling him from work. You and wife sitting at the breakfast table. You 'lay out the business card in front of her' and don't say a word You'll be able to telll a lot from her reaction. Wait for her to speak. Sometimes actions are a million times more effective than words. I can speculate on what the results would be. She's pretty sharp and would come up with a good story. For example, she just ran into him at the mall and she had had no contact with him before or after. He gave her his business card and to be polite she put it in her wallet. She hadn't thought about it since and didn't realize that she still had it. She would claim that I was being very unfair to her and that she had done absolutely nothing wrong. The thing that bothers me the most is when I'm almost certain that she's lying to me, but I have no proof. This would be one of those times. Whatever she told me could be true. I would come out of the conversation feeling worse than before. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 it comes right down to whether you feel you can trust her or not. it doesn't sound like you feel you can ( with good reason)... whether or not she is cheating may not be the biggest issue. The biggest one is you don't feel you can trust her, and that is no way for you to live. She gave you good reason not to trust her, and now she's not doing things that would earn your trust back. t's been several years now....Maybe it is time to call it quits and have each of you find your own way... Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 You need and deserve to know the truth. Investigate. I caught my wife via a GPS in her car. It was an ethical dilemma for me big time. That said, I found her at a hotel the first time I pulled the data. DON'T give up your sources. Find irrefutable proof and reflect on what you will do. Trust your gut, which is obviously screaming at you for good reason. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 She claims it was because he was lazy and wouldn't work and she was tired of supporting him. She has been very careful to keep me from ever meeting him. Yea most likely she probably cheated on him too, since she went to great lengths to keep you two from talking. She doesn't want you to hear his side of the story, which is probably more accurate than what she's told you. I did that yesterday and found no phone calls. Of course she could have been calling him from work. Yup. She's trying to cover all her bases. I would file for divorce and get your ducks in a row. She's been lying to you for years buddy. I can speculate on what the results would be. She's pretty sharp and would come up with a good story. For example, she just ran into him at the mall and she had had no contact with him before or after. He gave her his business card and to be polite she put it in her wallet. She hadn't thought about it since and didn't realize that she still had it. She would claim that I was being very unfair to her and that she had done absolutely nothing wrong. The thing that bothers me the most is when I'm almost certain that she's lying to me, but I have no proof. This would be one of those times. Whatever she told me could be true. I would come out of the conversation feeling worse than before. Find the proof then. Hire someone to start digging but her evasiveness and tactical carefulness is a big indicator that she's obviously hiding something you deserve to know. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I told my wife that I was getting a divorce. She played the sympathy card and asked that I stay until she got a better job. That was over 4 years ago and she never got a better job. Since you already decided on a divorce, does it matter if she is cheating at this point? Why does it matter? Is it still cheating if you've already decided to divorce? I guess I don't understand what kind of relationship you two have had for the last 4 years under the circumstances. Did you still treat each other like a couple despite the divorce (sex, affection, finances, home)? Why not just start moving on the divorce and stop torturing yourself about this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Do you need any more proof that she's lying to you, other than what you've already given? If so, it's simple...point blank ask her today if she's had ANY contact at all, whatsoever, with OM. Ask her if she has heard anything about him, etc... When she tells you she's not even thought of him in years...and you're holding the business card in your hand...what more "proof" could you require than that? The real question is...what are you going to do about it? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Your name is appropriate. She has played you for a fool for many years. 1. Get tested for STD's 2. See a lawyer now. 3. If you must then get her a polygraph. She probably has made a complete mockery of your relationship and marriage. For gosh sakes, if you do not respect yourself then who will? If the roles were reversed would your wife have believed such bull from you? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I can speculate on what the results would be. She's pretty sharp and would come up with a good story. For example, she just ran into him at the mall and she had had no contact with him before or after. He gave her his business card and to be polite she put it in her wallet. She hadn't thought about it since and didn't realize that she still had it. She would claim that I was being very unfair to her and that she had done absolutely nothing wrong. The thing that bothers me the most is when I'm almost certain that she's lying to me, but I have no proof. This would be one of those times. Whatever she told me could be true. I would come out of the conversation feeling worse than before. Gullible, that is not much of a marriage if that is the kind of trust she evokes out of you. Even if she has that card legit, you guys have some major issues that need MC Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Gullible, that is not much of a marriage if that is the kind of trust she evokes out of you. Even if she has that card legit, you guys have some major issues that need MC Very true. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 ... She has been very careful to keep me from ever meeting him. On it's own this isn't so odd, but given your circumstances now it could be very telling. I did that yesterday and found no phone calls. Of course she could have been calling him from work. She could have a throw-away cell phone. She could be "Skype'ing him from her computer at work and home. I can speculate on what the results would be. She's pretty sharp and would come up with a good story. For example, she just ran into him at the mall and she had had no contact with him before or after. He gave her his business card and to be polite she put it in her wallet. She hadn't thought about it since and didn't realize that she still had it. She would claim that I was being very unfair to her and that she had done absolutely nothing wrong. Why are you making excuses for not confronting her? You are making the same mistake that nearly all BS's make early on. I understand your fear of being right about your suspicions, but you are clearly in agony now so you need to take a stand. The thing that bothers me the most is when I'm almost certain that she's lying to me, but I have no proof. This would be one of those times. Whatever she told me could be true. I would come out of the conversation feeling worse than before. It bothers you because your suspicion is based on more than just a gut feel. As you said, you caught her secretly seeing an ex-lover and were ready to divorce her 4 years ago. Based on the past and now finding this new business card that proves she has continued to see him on the sly I think you know the score. What kept you from divorcing her 4 years ago? I mean really, why didn't you leave her then? The job thing is simply not a reasonable excuse and you should start examining why you are afraid to start a life without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Very true. So what are you going to change in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 So what are you going to change in this situation? I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I need to get a divorce before finding the card due to some other things that had happened. This puts the nail in the coffin. However, I am going to wait until June 1 due to some issues with custody of grandchildren. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Do not confront her unless you want her to cover her tracks. Dig, dig, dig...then when you have proof, confront her. I've been dig, dig, digging for so many years and I'm tired of it. After all the digging I have no firm proof. I have no proof this guy was anything other than a friend during the time we were married. I have no proof that she had an affair with a woman she worked with (other than the woman told me so). I have no proof that she intends to cheat on me with a guy that we met on vacation. No proof of anything. I'm ready to get some pudding. I have always heard that "the proof is in the pudding". Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Have you installed a keylogger on her computer? That might produce the proof you need... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 She may have an additional phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Have you installed a keylogger on her computer? That might produce the proof you need Yes. I can't see that she is currently communicating with him. However, I suspect that in 2008 after she told he that she had severed all contact with him that she started using the computer at the library. The reason I think that is that several months after that we went out of town. I needed to check my email and said that that I was going to Starbucks. She said "Why don't you just go to the library. It's free there. You sometimes have to wait a while for a computer to be available". I asked her how she knew and she said she went to the library before we were married. Possibly true, another thing that I have no proof that she was lying about. That night we went to a bar and she after a few drinks she said "You are soooo gullible." Also, she had a yahoo email account. A year or so after she told me she had severed all contact with him she got an email which appeared to be from him, but was probably not. She told me about it and switched to gmail with the same email address except with gmail instead of yahoo. Periodicallly I would send her an email to the old yahoo account and it would always be returned. One day I noticed that I had sent the email to yahoo instead of gmail and noticed that it wasn't returned. I went to her yahoo account and tried to log in, and it asked me to update the secret question which it said was updated in July 2009. So apparently she had reactivated the yahoo account. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Seems she's hiding things. When there's nothing to hide - people don't hide anything. There's no trust in your M - therefore you have no basis for this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 This weekend I was able to go through my wife's wallet again, and the business card was gone. I'm not sure of the significance of this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 She hid it and is probably very aware of your snooping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts