Thinkalot Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Hi all. Yep, I've posted about my concerns for my mum before. We are very close. She is in financial difficulty and may have to sell her house. It's her issue, but I often feel guilty that I cannot solve it. My fiance and I have looked into loan options and reverse mortgages for her, but she is not eligible for them at this stage, because she lives in a small coastal town, deemed a risk by banks. She is quite up and down emotionally too. Sometimes, on a bad day, she alludes to how much easier things would be if her life were to end. That is a serious thing to say. I hug her and tell her not to be silly and that I love her so much...that there is much to live for! I worry about her so. I wish I could make her life be as happy and secure as mine is at the moment. Other days, she is back up, or seems to be, and chatting with me about my wedding planning and so on, and seeming excited with me. How else do I help...except by listening? And trying to work on suggestions and options for her financial position? She has a lovely home, but little cash flow, and cannot work because of chronic neck/back troubles...plus she is nearly 61 anyway. I find it hard not to take on her worries. Link to post Share on other sites
lilian Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Hi I hope this question is not too personal. But where is your Dad? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 From your description, I think you're handling it as well as can be expected. Some things just aren't easy no matter what you do. She's lucky to have you, though. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Would she consider taking in a border (renting out a room in her house)? I'm assuming you've reviewed the obvious (selling other assets, making different investments). Can you think of some sort of side business that she could run out of her home at her own pace? It may be that the only thing you can do is stand by and be supportive. If her depressive symptoms start to scare you, encourage her to talk to a professional. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 If her moods seem more than the ordinary, she may need a checkup. Sometimes seniors' meds (and I'm assuming she must be on some since practically everyone of 'a certain age' is!) can cause mood problems. The other thing would be to get her to a counsellor. I know she's elderly and I certainly know people aren't logical all the time, but essentially, as you've described it, she has brought her financial situation about so that feeling somehow victimized by it isn't helping herself. It's as though she would prefer it if life wasn't how it is. I understand the feeling, but it needs to be accompanied by the understanding that life is harsh and one can't wish oneself out of that - no matter how badly one would like to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted June 12, 2004 Author Share Posted June 12, 2004 Hello, Thanks all for the suggestions. lilian, my dad and mum divorced when I was 4...they are still good mates though, and he helps around the house when he can. johan- thanks. It's just a toughie, and you of all people know what family worries can be like, through your efforts with Brandy's family. brashgal- yep...we've looked at so many options! From a B&B (too many startup costs, and no guarantee mum could physically be up to it, during the busy summer months)...to a border (she says she is too private and would hate taking in a stranger), to her taking in my grandma, who lives in a nearby retirement village. We all think the last option is a bad one, because my grandma is already very demanding and suffering dementia, and mum already spends many hours doing things for her. An escape preserves mum's sanity. There are no other assets to sell off. We've even looked into guaranteeing a loan for her, however she would still have to make loan repayments then, so that would not work. We've also thought about buying into her house. However, after we marry and return from our around Australia travels we will want to buy a home of our own, and probably start a family. All of us living under the one roof would be a recipe for disaster, as we are all strong personalities, and my mum and fiance, while friends, have clashed in the past. moimeme- you know, I used to support my mum no matter what, and get angry with anyone who suggested she may not be doing all she can to help herself. I even got angry with my fiance, when he pointed out that it was her choice to buy a house and leave herself with only a limited amount of money to invest...and when he said she needs to work on solving her own issues...and that I can't be the one to step in and fix it. Now though, I see exactly what he has been saying. It's just hard for me to take my emotions and love for my mum out of the equation, and be all practical and objective. We are at mum's right now actually, and we all shared a lovely day together. I love it thay they are friends now. Mum was more upbeat today...but yesterday, when I was here on my own with her, she got so down about the thought of having to sell the house, and was saying how hard life was on her, and how if it weren't for me there'd be no reason to keep going....and so on...That it all just gets to be too much of a battle sometimes. In the past years,I have heard her speak like this before. I have sometimes feared she would actually take her life. I admit, she did sound like a victim yesterday, and it did annoy me a bit, because she did make her own choices. At the same time, I love her so much,I just want her to be happy, and to have what she wants. She has health worries, no partner, not many friends. And she loves her house and her animals. So, emotionally, I'd hate to see her lose that. But what can I do? Nothing really. I try to tell her to be more positive and take charge sometimes, but she often gets upset. My best friend has apparently told mum she may be able to invest some money in her house. I have no idea how much,and I was a little uncomfortable when mum told me she said that (I guess I felt guilty I wasn't doing the same), and yet it was sweet of my friend to offer, and I'd love it if she could help a bit. I fear however, it will only be a bandaid. My love of mum aside, selfishly, I also don't want mum to have to go through a hard time, because it makes things hard for me. I know she won't handle it well...and being the only child, I will end up taking on much of the stress, and the obligation to support, which can be really tough. This is the second time she has been in this position. Selling her last house and buying this house was supposed to solve financial problems, but she bought something too expensive really. Oh, it was horrid watching her go through the sale of the last place, and listening to the talk about how tough life is. I've been told many times, one of my lessons this life is to learn how to NOT take on other people's problems! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted June 12, 2004 Author Share Posted June 12, 2004 Originally posted by Thinkalot johan- thanks. It's just a toughie, and you of all people know what family worries can be like, through your efforts with Brandy's family. Sorry Johan...I confused you with jmargel there for a second...must be because both your names start with a 'j'...who knows! It's jmargel who is engaged to Brandy. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Hi Thinkalot, Is this all a new thing, or do you think that the stress of your upcoming marriage is making an old issue just made worse during the stress? ...just wondering Also, my wife has a mother in a similar situation and I'm just telling this story in case your fiance feels a bit akward about helping take care of her. My mother-in-law owns two houses on some farmland and rents one. Every time we visit I have to replace the porch, or put a new roof on the hen house, or some other major job. I've told my wife I don't mind the work, but her mother is very ungrateful and never says thank you. Anyway, once I suggested that she sell both houses and land and buy a nice little maintainence-free condo or seomthing and she was furious at me. Since then I've stopped going up to help, and don't talk about much more than the waether (I'm still a little angry at how "taken for granted" I was to do all her work for her without a thankyou, and then be admonished for suggesting some way she wouldn't have to worry about things so much). Anyway, hopfully your fiance doesn't feel caught in the middle like I did Cheers, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted June 13, 2004 Author Share Posted June 13, 2004 Hi A.G. Yep- He feels frustrated by the whole thing, because as a financial advisor, he told her she'd need more money left over to invest when she first looked at the house. He hates to see me stressed by it and upset, and he feels plain frustrated. Nevertheless, he looks into all the options and really tries to find solutions. But in the end, selling the house seems to be the main one right now. He would empathise with your situation greatly. In the past...the clashes between him and mum revolved around money issues. Basically...it's not really new...it's just that the money mum has is running out, and it's becoming apparent she will need to make some tough decisions...SOON. I'm not sure what she thought would happen to solve things. These loan ideas where one option- but they just aren't proving to be options after all...so the discovery she wasn't eligible sort of brought things home. As for me...well, I know she's excited about the coming wedding...but I worry how she'll be when my fiance and I are off on our year long travels....I usually spend at least a day a week at mum's place. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Wow! A year long honeymoon! You are so lucky It sounds great Yes, I would want to get your mom settled somewhere before you go so you don't worry about her. What about renting out her house so she can rent a smaller place. I'm sure she could get a year lease so everything is taken care of for at least a year ps. what are you going to do with L.S. (and vice-versa! for a whole year? Cheers, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted June 13, 2004 Author Share Posted June 13, 2004 We'll be caravaning around the country...and we'll have a laptop with us! So I'll be able to check in on LS sometimes. Mum has four animals, which can complicate the renting issue...but I appreciate the suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
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