We are no longer on speaking terms, but I'm seriously worried about her.

[roja901]

When I first heard about her new guy I had the typical reaction: indifference with just a tinge of jealousy.

 

That is, until I heard a little more about him. I can't be sure, but I've been told that he was physically abusive with his last girlfriend.

 

Then there's my ex's past. She was sexually abused by her dad throughout her early childhood until she was 6, when he got locked up for drug-trafficking. Her mom made a better choice with her second marriage, this time marrying a guy who was only physically abusive, to both her and my ex. (did I mention that my ex's family leaned ever-so-slightly toward dysfunctional?). Her mom supposedly dumped the guy three years ago, but only a year ago when we were dating I'd see the guy over there all the time.

 

So, if there's any truth to modern behavioral science, then from my perspective this is the epitome of a bad match.

 

I feel like I should say something to her considering that, to my knowledge, I'm the only person in her life who knows her past, but its difficult because:

 

-I've lost all credibility with her by being... let's say... less than courteous with her last guy(the first one after me).

 

-We don't speak anymore.

 

-She hates me.

 

A female friend of mine says I'm just jealous because 1)she's got a new guy and 2) he is completely opposite of me. Maybe she's right. I don't know, maybe I'm just seeing a problem because I want there to be one. But I am honestly worried.

 

 

Any advice will be much appreciated.

[Maria46]

People who have been raised in abusive, alcoholic environments are use to the constant turmoil that goes along with it. This is what is normal and this is what makes them comfortable, even though it is so bad for them.

 

I am saying this as I was raised in an alcoholic environment and went from one dysfunctional relationship to another. When I went out with a real normal person, I didn't stay with them as I was missing the turmoil in my life. Even after years of counseling, I still lean toward dysfunctional people. It is a constant battle.

 

So now she has a new guy that is totally opposite of you. She is going back to another dysfuntional relationship (abusive) which is her sense of normalcy.

 

She is the one that needs to break this cycle by contacting a professional that can council her about this. It is a very had cycle to break.

 

You can talk to her about her situation, but I really don't believe that there is anything you personally can do. She has to realize that she doesn't deserve this abusive treatment from anyone and that the reason she puts up with it is because of the environment she was raised in. The ball is in her court and she has to decide which way she wants to run with it.

[roja901]

Originally posted by Maria46

People who have been raised in abusive, alcoholic environments are use to the constant turmoil that goes along with it. This is what is normal and this is what makes them comfortable, even though it is so bad for them.

 

I am saying this as I was raised in an alcoholic environment and went from one dysfunctional relationship to another. When I went out with a real normal person, I didn't stay with them as I was missing the turmoil in my life. Even after years of counseling, I still lean toward dysfunctional people. It is a constant battle.

 

So now she has a new guy that is totally opposite of you. She is going back to another dysfuntional relationship (abusive) which is her sense of normalcy.

 

She is the one that needs to break this cycle by contacting a professional that can council her about this. It is a very had cycle to break.

 

You can talk to her about her situation, but I really don't believe that there is anything you personally can do. She has to realize that she doesn't deserve this abusive treatment from anyone and that the reason she puts up with it is because of the environment she was raised in. The ball is in her court and she has to decide which way she wants to run with it.

 

But that's the problem. The ball's in her court, but I know her well enough to know that she's not going to do anything except dribble it around in circles.

 

We were dating for a year and a half before I ever had a clue about her tumultuous life, and I was like... her whole world. And I only found out because I inferred it when I was present for a shouting match between her and her mother. And it was only after a whole lot of prying that she opened up to me. When I wasn't prying, the whole thing with her father, her stepfather, it might as well have never happened.

 

She's got no close friends. Her only brother is locked up. She doesn't speak to any of the three parental figures in her life. If he beats her, no one will know. And she's not gonna seek help unless she hits rock bottom.

 

So I pretty much know how this is gonna play out.

 

So what do I do? If you haven't figured it out, I'm not over her. A big part of me is itching to run in and play the hero, but then reality kicks in and I realize that there's little I can do without being categorized as a stalker. I hate watching this from afar, feeling powerless. And I know its only gonna get worse.

[CurlyIam]

IT's her battle. You can't fight it for her.

 

Instead of "being the hero", how about being her friend? I don't really loke the way you talked about her choices in men even if you were right. It's like you don't have enough respect for her to make a choice, even if it means she's making a really bad one.

 

 

If you want to help her, want to be her friend, respect her. Respect her choices. Support her. Sometimes telling someone they're doing a bad thing won't make them accept it. Being near them when it's tough, helping them and giving good advice might. For they are taking action, not yourself.

 

 

So start working on gaining her confidence and trust. Maybe she'll turn to you at one time. IMHO this is the best you can do.

 

May little angels keep an eye on her for nothing horrible to happen!

[Maria46]

You are right that she won't do anything until she hits rock bottom.

 

When she does you can be there "as a friend" to help her pick up the pieces. That is when you will be able to talk to her about improving her life by dealing with her baggage. It will be emotionally painful for her to go thru counseling, but it will be worth it.

 

As far as a relationship goes, I highly doubt that will happen. She needs to get help for her problem and learn to love herself. She can't really love you or anyone else until she can love herself.

 

Who knows when she will hit rock bottom. I was 29 when I started dealing with my past and 17 years later I still struggle with slipping back. It is hard to change how you were "conditioned".

 

I wish the best for you.

 

I hope, for her sake, she will soon see what is going on. She will need lots of support when she does.

[dudesomewhere]

quote:

"So, if there's any truth to modern behavioral science, then from my perspective this is the epitome of a bad match."

 

well, in all actuality, behavioral science would say that's the perfect match. People who don't reach a certain realization on their own when having suffered these events/people will always gravitate to them. You can and only will ever end up a spectator and there is nothing you can do. If they consider you a friend then you can be a spectator in the know...if not than you are a spectator without a lot of information.

 

It'll be like watching a movie, from beginning to end, from opening previews to closing credits...will you stay to watch the whole thing or leave in the beginning, middle or end? Since you are not in her life right now, I suggest you leave right after the previews are done...ie., now