letgo Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Update on my ex-MM..... He contacted me yesterday. My worst fear confirmed --- his son tried to end his life; this is why I haven't heard from him. His family (wife+2 teenage boys) is one of the most bizarre/sad/dysfunctional I've ever heard of. Ever since he married, his wife has tried to commit suicide a number of times. All with these 2 boys witnessing. With their regular day-to-day dysfunction, it doesn't surprise me at all that this occurred. Their marriage is completely bizarre. They live in separate parts of their house, take separate vacations with their kids, spend weekend time apart from each other, etc. etc. They have talked divorce a number of times, but it's always come down to staying together for the kids. I don't know how in the world they (kids) could benefit from the type of environment they were in. And with this new job in a different state, he just left his family abruptly with no real explanation about what was going to happen next......so they are left in limbo. Not the best way to handle an enormous change with teenagers. I fee so terrible, like I have a major responsibility for this. There's no doubt in my mind that the wife has been blaming the affair on part of the child's suicide attempt in counseling. From what I know about her, she will try to blame everyone else except herself for the damage done to this poor kid. My emotions have run the gamut. I am so depressed. I don't know what to do. I have an appt with my therapist next week; I need help to sort through this. I want to let this all go. Link to post Share on other sites
lexi Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 I am so sorry for your situation. But let me tell you to do the right thing. Let go and learn from this experience. You are killing yourself emotionally. Try to move on and be around friends and people who can be there for you too. You deserve better and you can not fix this situation. I hope you u derstand I am being realistic and not mean. Godd luck and stand tall and know you can and will for yourself. Lexi Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Why do you want to be a part of this drama? You know that if his wife is as messed up as it seems that this will never end. Is this what you want for your future? Link to post Share on other sites
Author letgo Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 Absolutely not --- I want no part of it. This is why he has not contacted me; he quote 'does not want you involved in my messed up world' --- and I surely don't contact him. I have bowed out and am remaining strong in the NC. And yes, you are right, it's complete drama. Their entire existence is all drama all the time. And I have wasted 8yrs of my life with this relationship. What an idiot I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Sometimes it is best not to "stay together for the kids." Good luck to you in getting everything sorted out. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 For my part I am very glad that he finally contacted you. I know you have not been able to do anything since he drppped out of your life. At least you have an answer instead of living in the unknown with question after question after question. Dealing with facts is way better than if he had never contacted you again. So that is the good part of the equation. When you are depressed, bring that to your attention. Now you know what is going on. In may be terrible, but the imagination can make your mind reach insanity. Of course I hear you that this indeed is a dreadful issue with your MMs son. And it probably needs not to be pointed out that there are some definite mental health issues in his family (which he is a part of). But you now do have physical space between you and him, and in this case, that is a good thing. He does have his share of work cut out with his son. This will allow you time to sort out how you feel about things. Don't fret - even though this is bad news, it will help you take another baby step forward. And put your relationship with him out of your mind as much as you can. There is nothing you can do for him or his family besides suggest they get counseling. A major traumatic event has great impact on peoples live and you can step back and see how things unfold. I don't think you need to ask yourself right now whether you want to be involved - that is secondary right now. Rest in peace knowing that you have some answers and that now matter what time will allow the situation to clear the fog from around you. Keep taking care of yourself and surround yourself with your family and friends. Chin up, it will get better. This is a tangled web and needs to be unwoven. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Everything alright with you? I know this is a lot to handle for you. Please post on how you are doing? You are in my thought & prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author letgo Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Hi Leilab~ Thank you for your words. I am doing alright. Baby steps for sure......but I am to the point right now where my every waking thought is not about him and his situation. It's his and I have my own life to deal with. My house is in the negotiating stages of being sold, which means I have to take control and find a place for me to live within the next couple of weeks. This is so foreign to me. I've been with my husband for 15 years (since I was 18) and I am a little unnerved to be on my own to say the least. It's sad but exciting at the same time. I am looking forward to living a 'normal' life and not the double existence I had with my OM and my husband. Now I can start the healing process and be ready for new love! I am trying to look at the good side of things and remain positive about the changes. I hope you can find the positives in your life as well. If I can, I know all of us OWs or ex-OWs can. Be good; I am right there with you every step of the way.... Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 It sounds like you are doing pretty good. I hear you on starting over with a new place, new love etc... I am interested if you have had any contact with your MM - what was the final outcome of your conversation? How did you leave it? Good for you that you are not thinking about him 24/7. I am still not there yet, but I can say that it has been at least 5 days since I have cried my eyes out. So there is some progress. And I am laughing again. Next week I am moving at work. That will put me in a new environment, as well as change my office phone number. One less opportunity for any contact in the future with my ex-MM. I also have my court mandated custody mediation with hubby. Another major hurdle I will be overcoming. Thx for your word, it means a lot to me. Take care & hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
hubbies and babies Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Getting involved w/mm has its worst faults to the nth degree, I believe. I am against it, to the point I told my 'other' to live elsewhere. But our love continued and we are at lovers gardens. I love him and he does too. Yet, there are many issues at hand, and I believe he has guilt that led me to believe otherwise. I will not go into details but to say I have no malice towards another or introspect to those that i do not know. If this is so I apologize, this is a turn around of event for me as I have always been a very direct person and would never hurt another just for the sake of it. I just dont have it in me. Yet, if confronted I will not deny my right, or those I care, love to the point of no return. Accept apologisies are one but to degress toward another on a consistent basis does not mean everything is out in the open. Of course woman to woman we stick together much more than a man socalled would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author letgo Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 My last contact with ex-MM was last Tuesday over IM. I only know that his son was still not well. That's pretty much it. Oh, and also that he didn't want me involved with this mess. MM code for that = he won't be in contact with me. He left the IM hanging --- last words were "I have to go now. I hope to talk to you again. Bye". More MM code which means maybe we'll talk again, maybe we won't. He's skirting the issue of 'us' so to speak. But I've finally pulled my sorry head outta the clouds and accepted us for what it is.......absolutely nothing. I feel for his situation and I feel for his family, even his wife, but our priorities were put in line right away. Now whether it was out of our control or not, his priority is/always was his family. Mine was our future together. But that was because of all the bull**** lines he fed me on a daily basis. So, my husband and I have officially sold our house as of today. My new priority is me, this new beginning and to repair old wounds with my husband. He never deserved any of this and I will do everything I possibly can to repair things as much as possible. We both want to remain friends. I wish you luck Leilab on your custody issue. I will be praying and thinking of all OWs here on LS! Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Everything going o.k. Seems like you and stripey both have had a terrible experience with someone that was within the circle of your "affair" to try and end their life. From my own perspective I totally understand the seriousness of my affair, as ell as others. There is nothing that hits home more than to face the loss of someone you love. The turmoil and despair that it causes among its victims is sometimes unsurmountable. You are in my thoughts as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author letgo Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 Hi Leilab~ I thought a couple of weeks of vacation would help me get my mind off of all the stress I'm going through, and I was right, it did. So it's been 4 months since exMM moved and I'm still obssessing about his abandonment and rejection of me with this no contact. He's not tried to email, phone, or IM me since the beginning of June to tell me of his son's suicide attempt and it's killing me even today. It makes me feel so unworthy, unlovable. After all of his empty promises --- God the things he used to say to me and promise. What a bunch of ****. Now being back at work, I feel smothered. Smothered with constant reminders of him. Everywhere I go in this building there he is. An employee where he used to work (we weren't in the same building luckily) drives his old company car and it's always here.....I spent so much time in that car with him. Places I drive by are everywhere; restaurants, parks, marinas, waterfronts.......it's making me crazy and much more obssessed with thoughts of him. He's so lucky to be in a different state, somewhere he can just forget about us. I hate him for that. His old coworkers still even send me emails through his old email account -- they show up with his name on them DAILY. It makes me wanna puke. I don't even feel like getting up some days; I feel so full of anxiety and depression I just want to sleep forever and forget I ever met him. I don't want to feel anything but numbness. I can't believe that I let my feelings and my state of mind get so wrecked over him after the way he's handled things and treated me. I am trying so hard to forget. The sale of my house is going along fine. My husband and I are splitting things up and packing now. It's much more difficult than I thought it would be. I've been crying and crying over that as well because I still love him. There is just no passion, no spark. I've felt for the past 10 years as though we are brother/sister, just co-existing. I am getting even more depressed just writing about all of this, so I want to know about you. How's everything for you Leilab? Link to post Share on other sites
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