Argument over his job - how to stay supportive?

[Hope Wolf]

Hello everyone!

 

I'm a 22 year old student, I've been in a relationship with my bf (same situation as me) for 3 years now and we've been living together the last 2 years. This semester, he's been very unsatisfied with his internship as it is a small company and so the boss has more leeway on how things works. Since my bf have worked in bigger companies before, he is used to organization and procedures needing to be followed when asking for a task to be completed, thus the mess in this company makes him very impatient and angry. He also thinks that the boss takes him for an idiot because he won't listen to his ideas. Lately my bf noticed he's been paid only half of the salary and its almost the end of the internship. He immediately sent an e-mail to the boss requesting his paystubs and quoted the law in his e-mail that said its illegal not to give paystubs. The boss called him into his office to tell him he finds this insulting especially because he thought "they were friends". The same evening, the boss phoned my bf at home to tell him not to reply to a client because he knows my bf is angry and thus it will lead to no good and recommended him to take it easy with a beer, "we'll talk about it tomorrow".

 

Although I've tried to be supportive to my bf all semester on his job problems, he kept becoming more and more convinced that everyone thinks he's an idiot and he became more angry everyday, coming back from work and telling out his "s***ty" day with a loud tone. This morning I just woke up and already he started to yell out how he could feel insulted by such a phone call (that i personally found a nice attention but he replied his boss is an hypocrite) and that he too is gonna go tell the boss he felt insulted. Although I again tried to calm him down by offering an alternate view of the situation, he took that I was on the boss' side and that I though of him as an idiot. I explained myself but we ended up arguing.

 

These little arguments about his job really get me, all I want is to support him but I feel I'm not doing it the right way. Maybe I shouldn't try to make him see the situation from another p.o.v. all the time and should just be "oh yeah, you're right, poor you, you should show him!" while knowing that this approach is not helpful for encouraging to discuss about a problem.

 

-What do you guys/girls do when your significant ones have major issues with their jobs and tell you about it?

-What do you do if they don't seem to openly ask for advice and just yell it out?

 

I don't know how to behave anymore, I don't want to have arguments about that again, I just want to support him the way he needs my support. He also never told me explicitly what he wants from me in those situations although I asked him several times "what would you like me to do?".

 

Thanks so much for your time and attention! <3

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like he has anger issues. You should support him by suggesting therapy if you want to stay together. If not, then support yourself by escaping this. He doesn't seem to have any of the mature adult coping skills needed to deal with issues in a productive manner.

[2sunny]

Why is this in the other man/woman section?

 

He seems to take out his anger in inappropriate ways.

 

He should communicate effectively and calmly!

 

If he doesn't like it - he should change it!

 

You're not on the earth to be his whipping post... So stop trying to listen to so much of his negativity. He should let the job go when he leaves there. His time with you is YOUR time... Not job time.

 

If I hated a job - id leave. If I thought I needed pay stub - Id find my receipts - its your BF job to keep his records... Not his employers. He is responsible for himself - yet he seems to want to blame others. That kind of character trait in any person really sucks!

[standtall]

Wrong section

[Hope Wolf]

Hi!

Sorry I posted this in the wrong section, I thought " Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" implied actually being in a situation where the "committed partner" is "commited" to you... and that "the other men" was a metaphor for "the men you discover once you're comitted in a relationship"...sorry, I'm actually french speaking... Is it possible for an admin to move the thread to the right section or...? Thanks!

 

Thank you very much for your comments! Its very helpful!

 

By the way, in Canada its mandatory in the law for employers to give paystubs every pay week to the employees... So I understood his anger but I though he didn't approach the problem from a constructive perspective, he just flagged the law under the employer's nose and was truly innocently surprised the employer found that offensive. Even when I tried to explain him that he didn't want to admit he was wrong and kept his position and was upset I didn't defend him. I just wanted to be helpful in an enriching way. I have to mention he is an introverted personality and has difficulty understanding that people do not think like him.

 

Anyway, I'll read about anger management and how to understand better a person with such an issue. Thanks a lot!

[Hope Wolf]

In case somebody else ventures on this misplaced thread for tips, here is what I found about helping the dialogue with an angry partner whose anger is still under control

"Guidelines for being on the receiving end of venting:

 

• If you get anxious, quietly breathe slowly and deeply while you listen. You don’t have to say anything.

• The point is to listen; do not to feel you have to FIX IT.

• Assure the angry person you ‘get’ why they are angry. Reflect back their frustration, “Yeah, it stinks, I understand why you feel that way.”

• Don’t try to cheer them up.

• If the venting lasts longer than fifteen minutes or so, or if it escalates to yelling, it’s time to call a time out, suggest a change of subject, a walk around the block or shift to problem solving mode."

from Help, I Live With Someone With Anger Issues! | World of Psychology

[CC12]

It's really unacceptable that he's yelling about his job in the morning. It's one thing to come home after work and vent to your spouse, but it's another thing to carry that anger over to the next morning and continually make someone else deal with your anger. This is not okay and you should have a talk with him and set some boundaries.

 

The advice you got from the site you linked was good, especially the part about just listening and not trying to "fix" it. On the other hand, it would be maddening to see your partner making big mistakes and not being able to offer your opinion.

 

Maybe you can meet in the middle? Tell him that you are willing to be his sounding board when he is upset about his job (and other things,) but that occasionally you are going to give your opinion. Stress the fact that you're always on his side, but that you're not just going to stay quiet when you think there's a good solution that he's not seeing. Your opinion should matter to him and he should try very hard to not take it as an attack. You're not the enemy, even when you don't agree with what he does. I really hope you can get this through to him, because if not, I'm afraid that would be a very bad sign for your relationship.

[2sunny]

There is NO reason why you should stay with an angry man! It's completely unhealthy for you!

 

RUN as fast as you can and don't look back!

[2sunny]

Why is this in the other man/woman section?

 

He seems to take out his anger in inappropriate ways.

 

He should communicate effectively and calmly!

 

If he doesn't like it - he should change it!

 

You're not on the earth to be his whipping post... So stop trying to listen to so much of his negativity. He should let the job go when he leaves there. His time with you is YOUR time... Not job time.

 

If I hated a job - id leave. If I thought I needed pay stub - Id find my receipts - its your BF job to keep his records... Not his employers. He is responsible for himself - yet he seems to want to blame others. That kind of character trait in any person really sucks!

 

I still stand by my original post.

 

And quit making excuses for his bad behavior.

 

He is responsible for how HE behaves - and any man that brought that kind of negativity and anger to the relationship wouldn't last 5 minutes with me... But I do tend to have a healthy outlook and healthy expectations.

 

You need to have healthier expectations from men.

 

Heh as a TON of work to do - let him be on his own to focus on the work he needs to do- his inner being needs a full overhaul. Step away - it may get ugly.

[CC12]

And quit making excuses for his bad behavior.

 

I don't think she has made any excuses for his bad behavior. I think she's done a pretty good job of acknowledging it. She just needs some help on dealing with it.

 

any man that brought that kind of negativity and anger to the relationship wouldn't last 5 minutes with me... But I do tend to have a healthy outlook and healthy expectations.

 

That was extremely condescending. Do you think that little jab was helpful to the OP?

[2sunny]

I don't think she has made any excuses for his bad behavior. I think she's done a pretty good job of acknowledging it. She just needs some help on dealing with it.

 

 

 

That was extremely condescending. Do you think that little jab was helpful to the OP?

 

Stating what a healthy boundary looks like - is always helpful.

 

 

So made you the expert here on critiquing posts.

 

I don't see any helpful advice in your post - you say she needs help with dealing with it - but never offered her that help. Hmmmm start helping and stop criticizing!

[CC12]

Stating what a healthy boundary looks like - is always helpful.

 

It's not helpful if you also insult the OP in the same sentence.

 

So made you the expert here on critiquing posts.

 

I don't see any helpful advice in your post - you say she needs help with dealing with it - but never offered her that help. Hmmmm start helping and stop criticizing!

 

Did you read the thread?

Edited March 21, 2012 by CC12

[Els]

It's really unacceptable that he's yelling about his job in the morning. It's one thing to come home after work and vent to your spouse, but it's another thing to carry that anger over to the next morning and continually make someone else deal with your anger. This is not okay and you should have a talk with him and set some boundaries.

 

The advice you got from the site you linked was good, especially the part about just listening and not trying to "fix" it. On the other hand, it would be maddening to see your partner making big mistakes and not being able to offer your opinion.

 

Maybe you can meet in the middle? Tell him that you are willing to be his sounding board when he is upset about his job (and other things,) but that occasionally you are going to give your opinion. Stress the fact that you're always on his side, but that you're not just going to stay quiet when you think there's a good solution that he's not seeing. Your opinion should matter to him and he should try very hard to not take it as an attack. You're not the enemy, even when you don't agree with what he does. I really hope you can get this through to him, because if not, I'm afraid that would be a very bad sign for your relationship.

 

I second this post, excellent advice. Although as for the bolded, I really don't think it would help their relationship for her to try and explain the bosses' side when he is in the throes of his anger. It sounds like he just wants to vent, and isn't ready for advice at that particular point of time. If it were me in her shoes, I would make the compromise out to be: When he comes back, if he is in a foul mood, he takes the time to privately wind down and try to calm himself. Maybe 30 minutes or so. If he still wants to talk (calmly, not yelling) about it after that with me, he can do so, and I will listen.

 

I also completely second your assessment of 2sunny. I think it's incredibly condescending to tell someone that they have no boundaries, no expectations or are unhealthy, simply because they choose to try and fix a problem in their LTR before throwing in the towel. It isn't a competition - the woman who leaves a LTR the quickest upon the onset of trouble is not necessarily the woman with the 'healthiest expectations'. Everyone has the prerogative to decide where their personal boundaries lie and when THEY decide the relationship is no longer worth putting in the effort for, without being belittled for it.

[denise_xo]

Sorry I posted this in the wrong section, I thought " Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" implied actually being in a situation where the "committed partner" is "commited" to you... and that "the other men" was a metaphor for "the men you discover once you're comitted in a relationship"

 

Just as a side note, I thought the concept in bold was pretty good

[angie2443]

Stating what a healthy boundary looks like - is always helpful.

 

!

 

Your statement about having a healthy outlook and all wasn't meant to help. It was bragging. What you and many others don't understand about these situations, is that the "angry" person often doesn't start showing their true side untill the emotional hook is in, or a commitment is made (marriage, pregnancy, etc.)

 

To the OP, if you're still reading, your partner may have anger issues, or he may be an abusive person. There is a differance. If he's controling his emotions when it benifits him, but then letting out his anger around you and making you feel unconfortable, then he doesn't have an anger management problem. Take care of yourself.

[angie2443]

Just as a side note, I thought the concept in bold was pretty good

 

 

This made me laugh. She may have posted on the wrong board, but her reasoning really fit. You often don't discover the "real" person you're with, untill you enter a truely commited relationship with them. This doesn't just go for OW's, but for everyone else taking the commitment plunge.

[jwi71]

In case somebody else ventures on this misplaced thread for tips, here is what I found about helping the dialogue with an angry partner whose anger is still under control

"Guidelines for being on the receiving end of venting:

 

• If you get anxious, quietly breathe slowly and deeply while you listen. You don’t have to say anything.

• The point is to listen; do not to feel you have to FIX IT.

• Assure the angry person you ‘get’ why they are angry. Reflect back their frustration, “Yeah, it stinks, I understand why you feel that way.”

• Don’t try to cheer them up.

• If the venting lasts longer than fifteen minutes or so, or if it escalates to yelling, it’s time to call a time out, suggest a change of subject, a walk around the block or shift to problem solving mode."

from Help, I Live With Someone With Anger Issues! | World of Psychology

 

While I agree with the article in principle, it is NOT something you, especially at 22, should be dealing with.

 

You are dealing with a person who is lashing out at you for no reason. Did YOU make work "difficult" for him? No.

 

When a person finds themselves looking for coping mechanisms for situations they do not create not can they solve, we have an unhealthy situation/relationship. He is displacing his anger and frustration on YOU which leads you to seek help coping with him.

 

And it is 100% a boundary issue. Yours and his.

 

Are there any reasonable steps you can take to solve the issue angering him? No. What you can do is listen. Be on his side.

 

Right up until he crosses the line and you feel uncomfortable with his behavior. Time to kill that. You can end the conversation and ask him to calm down. You can leave for a twenty minute walk. Whatever you decide, set a boundary of what you are willing to tolerate and enforce it. It's for your own good.

 

It's HIS issue. He needs to develop coping skills for a myriad of life's disappointments. Healthy ones, not lashing out at you ones. That's on him to fix.

He needs to drawn a line will not cross when talking about work with you. Encourage that.

 

If he refuses or fails to improve, I would leave the relationship.

[2sunny]

Your statement about having a healthy outlook and all wasn't meant to help. It was bragging. What you and many others don't understand about these situations, is that the "angry" person often doesn't start showing their true side untill the emotional hook is in, or a commitment is made (marriage, pregnancy, etc.)

 

To the OP, if you're still reading, your partner may have anger issues, or he may be an abusive person. There is a differance. If he's controling his emotions when it benifits him, but then letting out his anger around you and making you feel unconfortable, then he doesn't have an anger management problem. Take care of yourself.

 

Stop assuming you know why/how I post... You don't know. There's so much judgement in your approach.

 

Since she doesn't have that "commitment yet" of pregnancy or marriage - there is still time to allow her to see that she doesn't need to put up with "his anger".

 

It is a form of control - the anger is designed to have her do something - which isn't correct... it's his to change, not hers - even being his "dumping ground for his complaints and negative energy" takes a huge toll on another person.

 

Being the receiver of that kind of negative energy isn't useful.

 

If it were me - I'd say - I don't want to hear you complain about it unless YOU have a plan about how to CHANGE that...and state exactly what your action is to make that change.

 

It's his - not hers... But he keeps wanting to dump it on her - that's not useful.

[MissBee]

Hi!

Sorry I posted this in the wrong section, I thought " Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" implied actually being in a situation where the "committed partner" is "commited" to you... and that "the other men" was a metaphor for "the men you discover once you're comitted in a relationship"...sorry, I'm actually french speaking... Is it possible for an admin to move the thread to the right section or...? Thanks!

 

Thank you very much for your comments! Its very helpful!

 

By the way, in Canada its mandatory in the law for employers to give paystubs every pay week to the employees... So I understood his anger but I though he didn't approach the problem from a constructive perspective, he just flagged the law under the employer's nose and was truly innocently surprised the employer found that offensive. Even when I tried to explain him that he didn't want to admit he was wrong and kept his position and was upset I didn't defend him. I just wanted to be helpful in an enriching way. I have to mention he is an introverted personality and has difficulty understanding that people do not think like him.

 

Anyway, I'll read about anger management and how to understand better a person with such an issue. Thanks a lot!

 

That's an interesting take!

[Els]

If it were me - I'd say - I don't want to hear you complain about it unless YOU have a plan about how to CHANGE that...and state exactly what your action is to make that change.

 

Wow, really?

 

That explains a lot of things.