marqueemoon4 Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 I agree with you about the whole "giving herself to another man" thing.. once that has occurred, and they even have the nerve to rub it in your face and claim how much "better" they are than you, there is no going back. Thats irrepairable. Would you say you still care for her though? It seems as though you might.. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 there's that word again.... Karma..... you have no idea what karma is. and before you think "What goes around, comes around" - no. it's not that..... sorry, i apologise..... as a Buddhist, i get a little.. 'sensitive', when people start bandying terms around which actually fit their own agenda rather than get them right.... ok. look - all I'm saying is, make sure you have your reason, and you validation for doing whatever you do - straight in your mind. think of what result it would engender, and whether the ripples in the pond are worth creating..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Karma is a bitch, from what I read, it sounds like you have experience on the other end of this. For you, maybe its time to look in a mirror and try eating crow. Very few people on this board are honest with themselves. You should try it. Your "ACTIONS" and your "WORDS" do not match up Her being contrite with you will not ease your hurt. You need to find another way to solve this. For me, I would be contrite with myself and focus soley on my actions and reflect on my past in order to make myself a better person in the present. Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 there's that word again.... Karma..... you have no idea what karma is. and before you think "What goes around, comes around" - no. it's not that..... sorry, i apologise..... as a Buddhist, i get a little.. 'sensitive', when people start bandying terms around which actually fit their own agenda rather than get them right.... ok. look - all I'm saying is, make sure you have your reason, and you validation for doing whatever you do - straight in your mind. think of what result it would engender, and whether the ripples in the pond are worth creating..... If your a buddhist and this might be a little off topic sorry jason why are you always so harsh telling people to ignore others and not respond this causes pain to people everyone makes mistakes in life and deserve chances to redeem themselves your response and advice to most people on here are not the teaching of buddhists 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 If your a buddhist ..... why are you always so harsh another misconception. What makes you think Buddhists are levitating 'om' chanting, bell-ringing quiet folk who only resort to gentle means of teaching? you have it all wrong, i'm afraid... just call me Keisaku Just because i'm Buddhist, it doesn't mean i shouldn't tell it 'like it is'... in fact, i am not even doing that..... telling people to ignore others and not respond because. it. works. better than anything else thy could do to help themselves heal and move on.... this causes pain to people these people are in pain already. While going No Contact may be painful, it's infinitely preferable to trying to keep in touch with someone who doesn't love you any more.... everyone makes mistakes in life and deserve chances to redeem themselves yes - but unfortunately, very few do.... the reasons dumpers stay in touch - is to make themselves feel better about dumping their ex - not to make the ex- feel better.... your response and advice to most people on here are not the teaching of buddhists could you specifically point me to which teachings you're referring to? I would be quite willing to indicate "where i'm coming from" in return... that, and my experience of working within the counselling field..... Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable, and it may not be what you want to hear - doesn't make it wrong. i've been here quite a while, and so far, i have been proven right on the no contact side of things..... Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 yes - but unfortunately, very few do.... the reasons dumpers stay in touch - is to make themselves feel better about dumping their ex - not to make the ex- feel better.... You are so set in your ways that you can't see that what you said here "COULD BE" and usually is false. i've been here quite a while, and so far, i have been proven right on the no contact side of things..... Really? How do you know that NC for ever is right? You have the guide of a bitter clown that hates life and doesnt even understand unconditional love in your signature. Life and relationships are not black and white. What you say for you being right may be wrong for someone else You give good advice, but NO CONTACT is just a tool, not a rule. There shouldnt be a guide to it. We are talking emotionally. Emotions do not follow the same rules as logic so saying, you should never talk to someone again because they hurt you in some way is right. In that case you would be a lone soul in life. Your parents hurt you, your friends hurt you, you hurt yourself. People need to learn how to deal with the hurt and NC is not a way to deal with the hurt, it only masks it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 when people are emotional, you can't fix broken emotions with more emotions. You ('you' generic, not 'you' specific) have to take your head out of the emotional sand (they shift a lot, anyway) and address solving the problem, practically. take a look at all the heartbroken threads about "I broke no contact - and it was a disaster...." Experience shows, and demonstrates that unfortunately, all too often, breaking NC does not bring about a happy outcome. Look, you don't like the way i do it? That's too bad, i'm afraid. Avoid my posts, and do stuff your way. I'll carry on doing it the way I've done it for the past 8 years or so - and we'll put different pov's in. the OP can then go the way they want. it's a public forum, and I'm just one of thousands. you're perfectly entitled to your opinion. I'm perfectly entitled to mine. the Op is at liberty to do whatever they want. ok? Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) when people are emotional, you can't fix broken emotions with more emotions. You ('you' generic, not 'you' specific) have to take your head out of the emotional sand (they shift a lot, anyway) and address solving the problem, practically. take a look at all the heartbroken threads about "I broke no contact - and it was a disaster...." Experience shows, and demonstrates that unfortunately, all too often, breaking NC does not bring about a happy outcome. Look, you don't like the way i do it? That's too bad, i'm afraid. Avoid my posts, and do stuff your way. I'll carry on doing it the way I've done it for the past 8 years or so - and we'll put different pov's in. the OP can then go the way they want. it's a public forum, and I'm just one of thousands. you're perfectly entitled to your opinion. I'm perfectly entitled to mine. the Op is at liberty to do whatever they want. ok? "take a look at all the heartbroken threads about "I broke no contact - and it was a disaster...." that statement really means nothing in proving any point the fact is only people who have not had success in the matter would post back in that respect because they weren't prepared for the result of it not going their way. People who successfully have reconnected rarely post back, why bother coming to a place like this when you've sorted your own problems to have people negatively throwning back at you, the usual second chances never work. You do not have a full picture of people success stories or ability to change and evolve from a breakup. Below is what i speak of compassion karuna Compassion - The Importance of Compassion in Buddhism The Buddha taught that compassion isn't just a nice virtue; it is essential to ... or discernment of the Buddha's teaching, especially the teaching of anatta, no self. ... In Being Upright: Zen and the Bodhisattva Precepts, Soto Zen teacher Reb ... The Sanskrit word usually translated as "wisdom" is prajna (in Pali, panna). I understand this word could also be translated as "consciousness," "discernment," or "insight." The many schools of Buddhism understand prajna somewhat differently, but generally we could say that prajna is understanding or discernment of the Buddha's teaching, especially the teaching of anatta, no self. The word usually translated as "compassion" is karuna, which is understood to mean active sympathy or a willingness to bear the pain of others. In practice, prajna gives rise to karuna, and karuna gives rise to prajna. Truly, you can't have one without the other. They are a means to realizing enlightenment, and they are also enlighenment manifested. In Buddhism, the ideal of practice is to selflessly act to alleviate suffering wherever it appears. You may argue it is impossible to elminate suffering, and maybe it is, yet we're to respond anyway. Sorry Jason if this is off topic but my point here is that your response to her is perfectly fine regardless of your reasons. and tara yes you are entitled to your opinion same as every human on this planet, i think compassion and the williness to forgive is extremely important for human beings if we all practiced it a little more maybe a lot less people would end up on these forums Edited March 22, 2012 by broken-and-lost Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasonRules Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 I agree with you about the whole "giving herself to another man" thing.. once that has occurred, and they even have the nerve to rub it in your face and claim how much "better" they are than you, there is no going back. Thats irrepairable. Would you say you still care for her though? It seems as though you might.. Quite the contrary. I would say I resent her for throwing away something, which I thought, was beautiful, unique, and passionate. The chemistry we had was amazing and everyone who saw us interacting together could see it clear as day. The pain I experienced, both bodily and psychologically was so immense that I cannot describe it. Even to the point where I was contemplating therapy to overcome this loss. It's almost as though my soul mate died. My family doesn't even want to hear her name spoken of. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Below is what i speak of compassion karuna Compassion - The Importance of Compassion in Buddhism The Buddha taught that compassion isn't just a nice virtue; it is essential to ... or discernment of the Buddha's teaching, especially the teaching of anatta, no self. ... In Being Upright: Zen and the Bodhisattva Precepts, Soto Zen teacher Reb ... If you're going to search, copy, cut and paste, at least be accurate, and not selective.... you must have read the article, because you edited it to include mainly what you wanted people to read. Permit me to clarify: you obtained the above from this weblink: The Buddha taught that to realize enlightenment, a person must develop two qualities: wisdom and compassion. Wisdom and compassion are sometimes compared to two wings that work together to enable flying, or two eyes that work together to see deeply. In the West, we're taught to think of "wisdom" as something that is primarily intellectual and "compassion" as something that is primarily emotional, and that these two things are separate and even incompatible. We're led to believe that fuzzy, sappy emotion gets in the way of clear, logical wisdom. But this is not a Buddhist understanding. with me so far? see how you've selectively edited the above? (you've even changed some of the text....) The remainder of what you pasted is also there, but there is no evidence in anything you have accused me of, that i do not practice Metta and Karuna....I will give you that Prajna is not always evident, but unfortunately, it seems par for the course on this board....However, you don't know me, you've never met me, you don't know what i'm like IRL, and you have no idea what i do during the day. I have studied followed and practised Buddhism for over 20 years. I don't know the half of it, and the reason they call it practice, is that nobody's perfect.... Compassion can sometimes be extremely harsh. Pema Chodron has in one of her books, likened Wisdom and Compassion, to a large bucket of iced water. and sometimes this is needed to bring people to their senses.... there's a difference between Wise compassion, and Idiot compassion.... you're referring to just this thread, and that's fine. But there are plenty of other threads where i have followed similar approaches - and people have been effusive with their gratitude. Buit there, i don't suppose that is of interest. and tara yes you are entitled to your opinion same as every human on this planet, i think compassion and the williness to forgive is extremely important for human beings if we all practiced it a little more maybe a lot less people would end up on these forums where have i ever told anyone to not forgive, or to develop hatred, or to be spiteful and cruel? Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 I really enjoyed reading the input of Jason, Gibson and TM. Hope you feel better Jason and figure things out for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasonRules Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 I really enjoyed reading the input of Jason, Gibson and TM. Hope you feel better Jason and figure things out for yourself. I'm quite well. Not feeling down, depressed, or anything. I'm over her emotionally, just think it's sad it had to come to this for her to "wake up". A year ago, I told her she would regret it and that she would learn to appreciate me, because all the a-holes that she meets after me will force her to appreciate me. So here we are... Life is full of ironies Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Wise compassion, and Idiot compassion.... This was interesting. I'm of the mind that if someone wronged you, and they come back to you later in life, it's admirable to allow them one chance to acknowledge the wrong and apologize. Most people would like some acknowledgement from the person who hurt them whether they want them in their life or not. The person who caused the hurt, in turn, would be a better person for owning up to hurtful behavior. In that sense the act of hearing them out is mutually beneficial, isn't it? And you're not necessarily claiming control over the situation by giving them the time of day, because there's no guarantee that they're actually going to apologize. Sorry to...."thread-jack?" It's just that this concept was really interesting to me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) If you're going to search, copy, cut and paste, at least be accurate, and not selective.... you must have read the article, because you edited it to include mainly what you wanted people to read. Permit me to clarify: you obtained the above from this weblink: with me so far? see how you've selectively edited the above? (you've even changed some of the text....) The remainder of what you pasted is also there, but there is no evidence in anything you have accused me of, that i do not practice Metta and Karuna....I will give you that Prajna is not always evident, but unfortunately, it seems par for the course on this board....However, you don't know me, you've never met me, you don't know what i'm like IRL, and you have no idea what i do during the day. I have studied followed and practised Buddhism for over 20 years. I don't know the half of it, and the reason they call it practice, is that nobody's perfect.... Compassion can sometimes be extremely harsh. Pema Chodron has in one of her books, likened Wisdom and Compassion, to a large bucket of iced water. and sometimes this is needed to bring people to their senses.... there's a difference between Wise compassion, and Idiot compassion.... you're referring to just this thread, and that's fine. But there are plenty of other threads where i have followed similar approaches - and people have been effusive with their gratitude. Buit there, i don't suppose that is of interest. where have i ever told anyone to not forgive, or to develop hatred, or to be spiteful and cruel? I'm not going to get into a debate over which parts of the religion people choice to focus on. I've read lots of different approaches to the interpretation of this subject. i have not selectively edited anything, i'd added a small paragraph from what is a very complex set of believes for me this is more relevant to use ... the parts you choose to use to guide people are up to you....for me it's about forgiveness and allowing yourself to show compassion to people who have wronged you in some way. I don't think you should claim to be a Buddhist and only select to use the parts which suit your own agenda even if that's offering advice, but like i said before you have your opinion to express, anyway you like, but this is not the total teachings of the Buddhist religion. Just like in life one shoe does not fit all Edited March 22, 2012 by broken-and-lost Link to post Share on other sites
GaelicSoul Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 This is getting way off topic, guys can you please create a thread in the Spirtual and Religous section of the site to talk about buddism, and prove your points, and try and focus on what the OP is going through right now. JasonRules, I admire your strength. I feel you and i have been through the same thing in regards to our Ex's. They broke up with us, we sadily accepted it, moved on with our lives and grew. Only difference is your Ex contacted you after a year, mine didn't. I'm 14 months NC, and she in another relationship anyway since last August, so i have no reason to contact. Now what i would do, if my Ex contacted me after 18 months etc... I would now at least listen if she initiated contact, however be very cautious and not fall for the same tricks, i may have once in my life. Have no expectations. I think you have handled the situation very well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasonRules Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 This is getting way off topic, guys can you please create a thread in the Spirtual and Religous section of the site to talk about buddism, and prove your points, and try and focus on what the OP is going through right now. JasonRules, I admire your strength. I feel you and i have been through the same thing in regards to our Ex's. They broke up with us, we sadily accepted it, moved on with our lives and grew. Only difference is your Ex contacted you after a year, mine didn't. I'm 14 months NC, and she in another relationship anyway since last August, so i have no reason to contact. Now what i would do, if my Ex contacted me after 18 months etc... I would now at least listen if she initiated contact, however be very cautious and not fall for the same tricks, i may have once in my life. Have no expectations. I think you have handled the situation very well. Gaelic, While you might think that I feel overjoyed because an ex contacted me after a year, I honestly do not feel anything, but a void and an emptiness. It's ironic because while we are suffering the loss we are secretly hoping to hear from them again, but then if we do hear back from them again it almost feels like a "hollow victory" because the contact lacks any real substance. Sometimes I think it would have perhaps been better had she never contacted me because I think of how I felt before she did and how I feel now and I cannot say that it does not affect you at all even though I am over her. Before she established contact she was not even an afterthought, but her contacting me three times and speaking on the phone once brings back all the bad memories for me. Perhaps on her end she can only remember the good things, but I was left with a very bitter taste in my mouth which is hard to forget. So I think you should consider yourself lucky that you have not heard back from her. Do you know why? No matter what your ex says or does, it will never ever be the same as it used to be. There will always be this feeling inside of you asking "What if she does it again?". You will never trust her again because for whatever reason she abandoned you. I don't have any expectations from this because I am not looking for anything from her. After the breakup I realized that happiness emanates from within yourself and not from someone else. She had become my "drug", my "high", my "fix", and I had become addicted to her. In the past year, I have worked on myself and have set myself free in every regard. Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Jason can i ask what you've done since the breakup to move forward and reach the state your currently at ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasonRules Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Jason can i ask what you've done since the breakup to move forward and reach the state your currently at ? Everyone is different, but I did the following which helped me get back on track. 1. Would come to this website for advice, inspiration, and guidance 2. Opened a Penzu account and kept a daily diary of how I felt because I thought if I wrote my feelings down it would help me in the healing process 3. Focused on my well being by joining a gym and would go religiously 6 days a week. The release of serotonin after exercise was a great way to make you feel good. 4. Avoided staying home by myself because thoughts of loneliness would creep up on me 5. Spent more time talking with my family, especially my mother. She was my "compass" during all of this and provided great support 6. Hid all the photos of my ex in storage bins so I would not see her 7. Replaced by phone containing her text messages with a new one and shut the old one off 8. Threw out a bottle of wine she had given me and some toiletries (creams etc) she had bought me as gifts In essence everything or anything that reminded me of her was removed from my sight. Her phone number was deleted entirely from my phone so I would not be tempted to contact her for whatever reason. Come Christmas time, NYE, or her birthday I did not contact her to wish her anything. If I saw any of our common friends I did not ask about her, nor inquire how she is doing. I didn't even ask her own brother whom I saw 6 months later. As I hit the gym more and more my looks and confidence started to improve. I was motivated to do well at work in the office as well. Suddenly where there was despair there was hope and dreams once again. I stopped dating for a while to get myself back together. Instead I focused on doing other things like working out, reading books, cooking, and just being content and happy with myself. Fast forward a year later. I have exes coming out of the wood work, girls proposing I date their girlfriends or trying to set me up, random women telling me I'm a great catch, handsome etc. Suddenly you realize that my ex breaking up with me was not the end of the World; it was simply the beginning of something new, something better. It was better because I wanted it to be better. When I spoke to my ex, I was not overly excited, did not ask her out, did not ask how her dog is doing, did not say I miss her, did not ask about her family etc. I just talked to her normally like she is just another person. She is no longer on the pedestal I placed her on. Whether she contacts me again or not, I do not know, but I do not care either. I do not care because I am happy just being me. She is not relevant my happiness and that's what matters the most. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Everyone is different, but I did the following which helped me get back on track. 1. Would come to this website for advice, inspiration, and guidance 2. Opened a Penzu account and kept a daily diary of how I felt because I thought if I wrote my feelings down it would help me in the healing process 3. Focused on my well being by joining a gym and would go religiously 6 days a week. The release of serotonin after exercise was a great way to make you feel good. 4. Avoided staying home by myself because thoughts of loneliness would creep up on me 5. Spent more time talking with my family, especially my mother. She was my "compass" during all of this and provided great support 6. Hid all the photos of my ex in storage bins so I would not see her 7. Replaced by phone containing her text messages with a new one and shut the old one off 8. Threw out a bottle of wine she had given me and some toiletries (creams etc) she had bought me as gifts In essence everything or anything that reminded me of her was removed from my sight. Her phone number was deleted entirely from my phone so I would not be tempted to contact her for whatever reason. Come Christmas time, NYE, or her birthday I did not contact her to wish her anything. If I saw any of our common friends I did not ask about her, nor inquire how she is doing. I didn't even ask her own brother whom I saw 6 months later. As I hit the gym more and more my looks and confidence started to improve. I was motivated to do well at work in the office as well. Suddenly where there was despair there was hope and dreams once again. I stopped dating for a while to get myself back together. Instead I focused on doing other things like working out, reading books, cooking, and just being content and happy with myself. Fast forward a year later. I have exes coming out of the wood work, girls proposing I date their girlfriends or trying to set me up, random women telling me I'm a great catch, handsome etc. Suddenly you realize that my ex breaking up with me was not the end of the World; it was simply the beginning of something new, something better. It was better because I wanted it to be better. When I spoke to my ex, I was not overly excited, did not ask her out, did not ask how her dog is doing, did not say I miss her, did not ask about her family etc. I just talked to her normally like she is just another person. She is no longer on the pedestal I placed her on. Whether she contacts me again or not, I do not know, but I do not care either. I do not care because I am happy just being me. She is not relevant my happiness and that's what matters the most. thanks for that jason that's actually a really good approach for people going through similar or who are struggling to move forward just goes to show doing just a few little things can make a big difference in the long run Link to post Share on other sites
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