Help please

[jenden]

Hi! I need some help. I need to know if my husband is going above and beyond what is acceptable. First I will need to give background. I had a credit card I didn't tell him about. He is very tight with money, and not only that, but I will admit I had a shopping problem. It made me feel happy, and 'in control' when I bought whatever I wanted. I realized a few years ago that I had a problem, when I had maxed out the card. I panicked and didn't know what to do. My husband is VERY controlling with the money, very type "A" personality and I knew that if I told him about my mistake there would be problems. So I hid it for two years, trying to pay it off myself, but finding it difficult with the limited amount of my pay check that I got. It finally came out last September, from a loan officer when we refinanced our home. At first I denied it, begged him to believe me. But the next day, after he probed me more, I confessed. I know what I did was wrong, and I have apologized, and assured him that I no longer have a card, or have a shopping problem.

 

Now here is where I am questioning his actions. He has always been very controlling, even with the kids. When our neice babysits them after school, he doesn't even like her to take them anywhere, because he is not there to supervise. He would talk down to me, I can't remember specifics anymore, but even our friends started to notice his actions. He would make comments about me, and then say he was 'just joking' and I needed to lighten up. I honestly think that his actions are the reason I started with the shopping thing (that and I was sexually abused when I was growing up). I am 31 now, and I know that I am finally a mature adult, better able to deal with daily life and pressures. Now all of this came out last Sept. It is now June and he is still going on it about. Says it is my fault the treats badly, because I treated him badly. He is always asking for things that will hurt me (a certain type of sex that I don't want to go into here), when I say no, that it hurts and I don't want to, he says that I hurt him. He doesn't make me do it, just keeps asking and putting me down. Lately he has been making fun of the weight I have gained (he has always been bigger than me), he will look at my belly when I walk and tell me he is watching it Jiggle. When I say that he is fat too, he says yeah, but it is his so it doesn't matter.

 

The other night he was drinking (he does alot) and he said we needed to talk about it again. That he thinks about what I did everyday, that he doesn't trust me, that I wasn't honest with him and that he does love me, but even that is in question anymore. I told him that I was sorry, and he said he wanted me to say sorry everyday, but that I don't do that either. But I don't feel I should have to say it everyday! He says that I don't treat him right, that if he asks for a drink, I should do it with a smile, that I should never talk back to him, or even frown at him!

 

I don't know what to think. Maybe I do deserve to be treated this way. Whenever I ask him for a seperation he says "why should I be punished for your actions?"

 

Last night was bad, he came home around 7:30, and everything I did was wrong (as usual), said I was sounding angry all the time. If he asked for a beer, I would go get and he would be like, what was that look for, he would tell me to smile, so I would, then he would be angry because he had to make me smile. I couldn't win. Everything I said was in an angry tone. According to him, so I finally went to bed.

 

Like I said, what I did was wrong. Maybe I deserve what I am getting, does anyone have any input?

[Pyrannaste]

Maybe I deserve what I am getting

 

Don't you *EVER* say it again.

Your husband is abusive. He is FAR beyond acceptable.

 

The credit card accident is *no friggin excuse* to mistreat you, hurt your feelings whenever he has the chance, say plain evil things that are a blow to your self esteem, and humiliate you.

 

This 'having to say sorry everyday' thing is mere madness.

 

If he asked for a beer, I would go get and he would be like, what was that look for, he would tell me to smile, so I would, then he would be angry because he had to make me smile.

 

this is super-controlling bahaviour. this is trying to mess up with your mind.

 

Says it is my fault the treats badly, because I treated him badly.

 

this is him deciding he has the right to be a jerk and blame it all on you.

 

He is always asking for things that will hurt me (a certain type of sex that I don't want to go into here), when I say no, that it hurts and I don't want to, he says that I hurt him.

 

I'd be scared.

 

Please get away from this relationship.

Or get him into counselling, though he sounds like he is beyond counselling.

Is there anyone that could help you(friends, counselor, any suppport group) and give professional support to you?

 

 

What really worries me is that you are wondering if it is somewhat your fault. no way, girl!!!!! It was just a friggin card! From your post I also got the idea that you work too, not only your husband. Even if you had spent huge amounts of money -so huge he had to sell his car or you could risk losing your house- his way of reacting would surely not be acceptable.

You'd not deserve such a treatment even if you spent the house you live in's worth in shoes and cosmetics.

 

Sure, it was a mistake. (which BTW would not have happened if your h was not a money freak). You had a shopping problem. Everyone has problems. When he found out you had already successfully fought your problem.

 

It was just a darn credit card.

 

were your husband *that* abusive to you before? or was the credit card accident that triggered his behaviour? making him to go from 'controlling jerk' to 'scaring evil abusive person with huge control problems'?

[jenden]

Thank you for replying so quickly. No, he was always controlling, liked things done his way. If things aren't done or said exactly the way he wants, they aren't right. I have joked to my best friend that I can't even think for myself. But it is true. I find myself even calling him from the grocery store to get his opinion on dinner.

 

There was one incident before he found out about this card, where his dad used our card to buy some golf clubs, jim was giving me the money to the pay bill, but I wasn't putting the money on it and was too scared to tell him I wasn't. (I still had a problem at this time.) He found out and paid it off, it was 6 months after that I realized I had a problem and stopped the whole credit card shopping thing.

 

To put the record straight, it did not hurt us financially at all. If anything we are better off! We refinanced the house, paid of the credit card and my car. He recently paid off his truck, which means we have no bills except our house and the loan for the garage we just built. We have money in savings, I can't touch it though. I do work, and get about $100 of my check, about 1/2 I am currently saving for a trip to Disney with the kids.

 

He says that I did this twice, that he can't trust that I am not like that now. He did get a bit worst after he found out. Like now he had an excuse so he could treat me anyway he wanted. I am in such a bad mood today, and he called here. He said, so I can have anything I want tonight? I said, well not the one thing that hurts. And he said, well then I want oral....you know what. I said sure, why bother being with me. He asked what I meant. What I meant was he never wants actual sex with me anymore. (I am sorry to get to explicit, I hope no children or underage people are reading this.)

 

I guess I am just tired, and just needed affirmation that even though I did something wrong, I don't deserve this treatment.

[Pyrannaste]

I guess I am just tired, and just needed affirmation that even though I did something wrong, I don't deserve this treatment.

 

Wait. Now that I have more information....I think you did really *nothing* that wrong.

Even if you had *really* done something awful, you'd not deserve such a treatment!!!!!

 

So, as I understand from your posts:

 

You worked. Earned money. Brought home a salary of which your H allowed you to spend 100 miserable dollars. While I bet he could do anything he pleased with the money. With yours and his money. He sort of gave you a 'pocket money' while you were (correct me if I'm wrong) possibly working *more* than he did between your job, housework and kids. (He does not sound like the kind of guy who'd do much housework. )

So he thought he had the right to dispose of your money.

 

I also bet-and again correct me if I'm wrong- you don't really have a shopping problem. I bet all you did was buying yourself some nice clothes/stuff *with money you well earnt* and *which everyone in a normal marriage usually buys himself/herself without his/her partner complaining*!

 

I think you had every right to get yourself a credit card, you just did it 'sneaking' because you were scared. Ideally, you should have informed him. But then, again, in a normal relationship you don't *need* to hide you got yourself a credit card expecially when you are earning money too.

 

Stop feeling guilty. Please.

 

If it is possible get rid of this guy. Or have him go into therapy. Get help/support. You need it, believe me, because thoughts like 'perhaps I deserved what i got" should not have even crossed your mind.

 

You sound like a nice, caring, responsible person. And a good mother. I was impressed that you are saving from your '100$ from your salary' to take the kids to disneyland. (hell, it is also disgusting that you have to save to take them on the trip. they are his kids also. what a wrecked father is he?there is money in your savings that belongs to both of you. he should want to take the kids to disneyland too. you two should have a common bank account and you should have access to it.)

 

You deserve to be treated well, respected as a person, wife, woman. Please don't allow him to go on with this disgusting abuse.

[jenden]

It is true that he should help with the trip to disney. But he doesn't feel that the trip is important, even though the kids have wanted to go forever. I told him I would save the money, in an attempt to prove to him that I could save money. My friend all ready told me that I shouldn't prove anything to him. That he should be over it by now, and if he isn't that is his problem.

 

*sigh* I should go, it is just hard. As I am sure you understand, both emotinally and physically getting things around to move out with the kids. We have been married 12 years (I got married at 19), and it is hard to leave someone you have been with that long. He doesn't want me to go, but I get the feeling that he wants me to stay for sex, and because he doesn't want to have the kids move out. But when I say that, he gets offended. He has a way of turning things around, that is very hard to explain.

 

Thank you so much for your help. You have proven my best friend right, and she will be very happy about that.

[FolderWife]

Why do you do anything for him!? Does he physically hurt you? If he wants a beer, tell him to get it himself. If he wants sex, tell him that if he treats you like a human being, then he might get it, if you're in the mood.

 

The only reason I could see you putting up with this, is if you're afraid he'll hurt you. Why do you give him your pay check? Go out and get a seperate account, and tell him about it. Tell him that if he wants to split the bills with you, he can, but if not, then he can pay them himself. Buy whatever the heck you want.

 

Forget him. This marriage isn't a partnership, it's a control thing. The only reason he's so upset (oh poor wittle baby! his wife spent her own money! Oh woe is him!) is because you had control over your own self, and he can't STAND that. He wants to be in control. He wants to run the money.

 

You'd have more money if you lived alone. At least you could spend the access. And why do you ask him for a seperation? Just leave. Don't give Mr. Control any say. Leave. "why should I be punished for your actions?" Tell him, "Honey, you are a controlling money grubing jerk...I had to hide money to have any happiness...WAKE UP!!! This is all YOUR fault, you are making me MISERABLE! I'm UNHAPPY! I HATE BEING MARRIED TO YOU! If you want me, then start acting like my partner, and not my slave driver! Forget it, you're never going to do that...GOODBYE!"

 

Start keeping record of everything he says to you. Write it in a diary...especially the sex part. That way, when you file for divorce, if he wants the kids, he's going to have to face your diary. Be sure to write dates, times, and names.

 

No judge in his/her right mind would award custody to someone who treats his wife this way. Who freaking cares if you hid a credit card. I used my husband's credit card on ebay, and ran up over $3000 worth of money, and hid the bills, because I didn't want him getting mad. He never missed the bills, but he did notice the credit card going up. He told me that "We need to quit wasting money" and that was the end of it. I promised to try.

 

I thought MY husband was tight.

 

Now, are you afraid he'll hit you or hurt you, or break something of yours if you stand up to him, or do you just not have any back bone?

 

You can live with him, if you just don't let him walk all over you. If he's physically abusive, though, GET OUT!

[lovedove]

Okay, this is very very strange.

 

I had no idea that a husband could be like that.

 

I'm sorry but, if he continues to act that way and be so controlling, I'd leave.

 

You don't deserve to have to walk on eggshells around someone who is supposed to treat you like a queen.

 

This is NOT right.

[seahorse]

I agree. From what we've heard, and I know we've only had one side of the story, it would seem that he is a very controlling person and you are well rid. I know from my own experience that these men have a way of turning things around so that YOU feel like the guilty one, when in fact, it is they that have the problem.

 

He is psychologically abusing you and you need to be out of this relationship.

 

seahorse

[fritziematt]

This might help...it shows how he is controlling you...

 

http://www.leavingabuse.com/powerwheel.html

 

and this shows how dangerous this situation can be...

 

http://www.leavingabuse.com/cycle_of_abuse.html

 

 

 

I suggest reading the entire leavingabuse.com web-site...

 

 

You need to really think about what is going on here...it's not normal...and his behavior is not your fault. You also need to move at your own pace...if you don't feel that you can leave yet make sure you document everything that is happening just in case you do leave in the future. Maybe you can get him to go to therapy...it can help if he is willing to change and really tries but most abusers just go for a while to help keep the peace and then quit. You also need to keep in mind that the situation will get worse and can get very dangerous (homicide or suicide either by you or him). He is going to try everything to make sure you stay under his control so make sure you call a shelter to get help from them and get some emotional help for yourself. Another thing to think about is that children who are around abuse have a good chance of being abused or abusers when they grow up.

 

Anyway...these are some things to really think about...you have to make up your own mind about this. It's hard...I just lost a very best friend from college to an abusive relationship...she was out of it for quite a while and I thought she was doing really well with college and her kids but now she's back with him for the kids and is quitting school...so...it make take more than one try for you too...you just need to know that this is not how it's supposed to be. Make sure to keep in touch with your friend too and don't hesitate to ask her for any help that you need.

 

I hope this helps...it a tough situation and the first thing that needs to happen is for you to realize that you need help...kind of like AA. I hope some of the info on the web-pages will help with that...

 

~Matt