redrose123 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I couldn't stand it and texted my ex today and basically told him I love him and miss him and id never contact him again. He responded and I feel better but I'm not sure exactly what to make of it.. This is what he said "I dont want that, im sorry i havent talked to u in a while, and i love and care about you too, and i wouldnt want u to think otherwise." I told him its been hard not talking and he said "I know and i didnt wanna hurt u i just felt like space is the best for now, its been hard for me too, but im sorry if i hurt you or made u feel insecure, youve got so much going for u, u really dont need anybody else to make you somebody great" I haven't responded.. I think I've finally gotten some closure to be able to move on Link to post Share on other sites
lovelylashes Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 hey redrose Im really pleased for you that you are starting to feel like you have closure. Just dont make the same mistake as i did and keep texting him. Use this as a sign to move on. I was always texting my ex to the point where i hated myself but i couldnt stop. I would always say thats it and eventually the urge would take over and i would start a new week trying to go nc. Its weird to look back and think how bad i was and how addicted to texting him i was. Now ive realised there is no point texting him as im just setting myself up for more heartache. Stay strong and maintain NC. Good luck:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author redrose123 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Thanks for the reply! I feel like I may be strong enough to stick with NC now. At least I found out it has been hard for him too and he wasn't cold in his responses. I've moved all our pictures to my trash on my computer but I haven't been able to permanently delete them yet but I guess I'll just take it one day at a time and I feel like that alone was a big step for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redrose123 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 I know I need to move on but I would like some opinions as to whether you think there is a chance that we will reconcile sometime in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 No. There is No chance. At all. "u really dont need anybody else to make you somebody great" so everyone else he dates is going to be sub-standard and beneath you, because of course, they will need him in their lives to make them great...? I see..... There's a flaw in the plan there somewhere... it's called false flattery. What it actually means is, "I need to feed your ego somehow, to make you feel better about the fact I dumped you." He's sugar-coating his own preference for someone better. Because trust me, when a guy knows he has the best on his arm - someone 'great' - why would he want to exchange that for a lesser model? Answer: He doesn't. So this false flattery is just a bare-faced lie, because making you feel better about yourself - is actually done to make himself feel better about dumping you. I mean, how could you possibly resent anyone who says such nice things about you? He's an @ss.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LogicallyIllogical Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I know I need to move on but I would like some opinions as to whether you think there is a chance that we will reconcile sometime in the future. Here's a quick story for you. When I was younger, I was dumped by an old ex. We had been good friends, dated for 2 years and she broke it off. I begged, pleaded and eventually she told me to stop contacting her. So I went NC after being blocked out. About a year later, she contacted me and we started talking again. We eventually met up multiple times in person and it was clear that she wanted me back. So, the girl I would have done anything for just a year earlier had finally come back! Rainbows and butterflies, right!?! Wrong. It just didn't feel right. I didn't get that feeling where everything just "clicks". She had hurt me once and had presumably been with at least one other guy since she dumped me, so the trust was broken and I saw her as damaged goods. I saw her about 4 or 5 times before going NC on her again. I was still attracted to her, but enough time had passed and my feelings for her were gone. Point is, by the time your ex comes back around(if he/she comes back around), you may very well have already moved on. Once enough times passes and you re-build your self-esteem and self respect, you probably won't want them anymore. Now, you'll likely always be attracted to them, but in time your feelings will fade, hence the saying :"time heals all wounds." Link to post Share on other sites
Thatguyintx Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I see..... There's a flaw in the plan there somewhere... it's called false flattery. What it actually means is, "I need to feed your ego somehow, to make you feel better about the fact I dumped you." He's sugar-coating his own preference for someone better. Because trust me, when a guy knows he has the best on his arm - someone 'great' - why would he want to exchange that for a lesser model? Answer: He doesn't. So this false flattery is just a bare-faced lie, because making you feel better about yourself - is actually done to make himself feel better about dumping you. I mean, how could you possibly resent anyone who says such nice things about you? He's an @ss.. Why do you feel it's not genuine? I have dated someone I loved very much and still do. But the fact is, after dating for 2 years, we found we wanted different things in life that neither of us wanted to compromise. Did that diminish that I felt what a great person she was? Not at all. She is married to someone who is more compatible and wants the same things she wants. During our breakup, we both shared what we loved about each other. Most uplifting breakup I had experienced. I walked away with the good and the bad of what I brought to that relationship. It broke my heart, but it was the right thing to do. She was great, we just weren't great together. Maybe he genuinely meant it? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 well i would say, looking at the statistics on this board, your break-up was one in a million. this girl is hurting bad, and i don't think what he said was entirely altruistic.... He may really believe what he says, but the fact is, i don't think he put enough thought into what to say. If someone said that to me, i'd find it patronising and condescending. something just rings a bit... forced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 "u really dont need anybody else to make you somebody great" This grates on my nerves. No **** you don't need somebody to make you great. Nobody does. Greatness comes from inside. We make ourselves great. This is an entirely different subject matter than that regarding loving someone and being beside them. We don't love someone and date them to make them great, or to make ourselves great. We want to be with them because we adore them, care about them, enjoy time with them, and life doesn't feel as meaningful without them in it. It has nothing to do with "needing" someone. This is very condescending and pisses me off actually. Totally patronizing. I'd want to tell this guy off. lol You are great all on your own. No, he didn't make you great, and nobody else will make you great. YOU make yourself great. So **** him with this self righteousness. I would want to text back and say, "yes, I know I'm great, but thanks for the hot tip" or something condescending to him right back. Right now he thinks he has you in the palm of his hand, pining and crying away for him. And its a huge ego stroke. I'm sure he does care about you. But the bottom line is, he broke up with you. Therefore, he doesn't want to be with you. Therefore, he doesn't get to share your greatness right now. So you remember, that you are great all on your own. You were great before you met him, while you dated him, and you are still great, and will continue to be great. Your greatness has nothing to do with another person. That a very egotistical thing he said to you. Urgh! Hold your head high, and if you have to reply, say something feisty and confident, and then leave it be. And know how great you are! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redrose123 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 Thank you all for the replies. He has never been very good with Words but either way I am going to move on. I didn't Reply and I won't text him again. At least I can walk away from the relationship with no regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenTom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 just curious, what would you folks rather the guy say? Why read between the lines and make assumptions? I really don't get it, are you sure you aren't just choosing to believe he is a cruel person to justify your anger and to help you move on? Link to post Share on other sites
brokenTom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 well i would say, looking at the statistics on this board, your break-up was one in a million. IMHO That is hardly a reason to assume anything. Many people coming to this board are hurting badly from a bad breakup, and they are desperate to figure out a way to cope. I've known many folks and expereinced many breakup that were relatively mutual and non aggressive or nasty. Don't judge a person just becasue it doesn't fit into your own life experience. When you do that, you often end up being the loser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redrose123 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 I was actually fine with what he said. The reason I didn't respond was not because I was bitter or upset at what he said, I had already said everything I needed to and felt there was no need to further the conversation. He has my number so if he truly doesn't want that to be the last time we talk he can reach out to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 just curious, what would you folks rather the guy say? Why read between the lines and make assumptions? I really don't get it, are you sure you aren't just choosing to believe he is a cruel person to justify your anger and to help you move on? brokenTom, i understand your concern, but please believe me - we've been on this board a really long time - in fact, i pre-date my joining date by at least another 3 years, because i changed my account profile.... so i've seen and heard things here you wouldn't believe. But there's a common thread - and that is, that the dumper who keeps in touch will invariably say things to make themselves feel better about dumping, not to make the dumped person feel better. it's self-validation. it's a way of protecting their own self-image. that means that they don't have to feel so guilty - It's a standard psychological ploy. It is what it is - and us oldies have seen it far too often to believe it could be anything else. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheJiltedGeneration Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 sorry but I have to agree with tara Tom. keeping in contact as "just friends" is one of two things 1) to nullify the feelings of guilt from dumping for themselves 2) a way to keep them close as a rebound just incase the new set of girlfriends prove unlucritive... and besides in the long run it really doesnt matter if redrose's ex was genuinely being a nice guy, she NEEDS to cut all ties otherwise she will never move on and will feel the door is always open for future oppertunies with this guy. unless she is completely over him, this exersice is unhealthy and even worse disempowering as human nature as it is, her ex will always be in control of the future developments of their relationship platonic or otherwise. if he is to come back, it has to be on redrose's terms, not his.. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenTom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 ok, I see your point, I just can't stand the prejudice and see no value in that aspect of it. I also agree with pretty much all of what TheJiltedGeneration said, except I don't see why things have to be so absolute all the time. Again, I just think it's extremely close minded and see no value in that. You can be realistic about what things may or may not mean, but assuming you know how another person feels is I think pretty diminishing. I am still curious to know how you think he should've handled it. If the dumpee reaches out to the dumper, what should the dumper do? Is not replying as much as possible the best thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redrose123 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 Technically I was the dumper.. I broke it off because he promised he would treat me differently but he wasn't changing so I was left with No choice. At the time he told me he still wanted to date me and I told him he wasnt showing it and he said he didn't want anyone else. Then a few days later I reached out to him to talk and see if we could mend things but he said he felt like breaking up was the best for right now. I guess I could tell its what he wanted but he didn't have the nerve to initiate it himself so the terms dumper and dumpee are kind of iffy here lol Link to post Share on other sites
brokenTom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Technically I was the dumper..I didn't want to derail this thread, but I was actually wondering, if this were the case, how should both parties handle it. I'm now very curious becasue it's closer to my recent breakup (although, no promises were made like that, but the dumpee/dumper assignments are iffy, similar to how you described) Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 ok, I see your point, I just can't stand the prejudice and see no value in that aspect of it. what prejudice? are you referring to the fact that the dumper is a guy? you know, a look at my many posts will show you that i don't discriminate on gender. a person can be guilty of this, no matter what sex they are. if this is what you're alluding to.... I also agree with pretty much all of what TheJiltedGeneration said, except I don't see why things have to be so absolute all the time. they're 'absolute' in the sense that the only option you have is to go entirely and uniquely by what the OP recounts. We only ever get one side of the story, but that part of the srory is generally heartfelt - emotional - and honest - from their perspective. Occasionally we do get someone so blatantly self-centred, that they can't see the faults they have under their own nose - and a lot of the time, they're actually trolls (had a few of those recently) but more often than not, the heartbroken need help and support. and behaviours follow patterns. Again, I just think it's extremely close minded and see no value in that. You can be realistic about what things may or may not mean, but assuming you know how another person feels is I think pretty diminishing. Responses end up being fairly balanced - and as the story from the OP unfolds, very often, advice will change, according to the circumstance. I have indeed been in situations where i have responded to an initial post, in a relatively emphatic way - and then the OP will add more information which actually puts an entirely different slant on the matter... and I have pulled some posters up on that.... Another thing that happens - and i'm not saying it has happened here - is that a person will come in complaining of a partner's behaviour, or an ex's attitude - and when they get support of allied criticism - will start defending that same 'miscreant' to the hilt, and making excuses and justifications for them. We just can't win, no matter how hard we try.... Link to post Share on other sites
brokenTom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 what prejudice? are you referring to the fact that the dumper is a guy? No, has nothing to do with gender, by prejudice I mean a belief or accusation without knowing the facts. It's the name calling in particular that got me upset. And jumping to a conclusion. I realize you work with what you are initially given, and that I maybe overly sensitive about it. I meant no harm, I guess it just hurts to hear people fight each other using words like that. Things aren't always so one-sided. Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Tom, I read your thread to see why you are here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/315844-would-apologizing-again-hurt and now it makes sense to me why you feel the way you do about this, and why you've been upset about the stuff being said about her ex. Because you are that ex to a hurt woman out there. I get it. I've also been in your shoes. It's hard hurting someone. Link to post Share on other sites
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