Am I being played, or is it a just a series of goof-ups?

[savethedrama4allama]

So I have been dating this guy for a few months. He and his ex girlfriend dated for one year, and broke up one year before we began dating. Their breakup was pretty much mutual from fighting too much. They still talked as friends. In the beginning, I noticed that she would do things like call twice in a row before leaving a message. I looked in his outgoing calls in his phone and saw that he would call her 3 times in a row. These rapid succession calls seemed desperate to me, if you are casual friends why don't you just leave a message the first time? She was also demanding, If he told her he couldn't speak at the moment, I could hear him on the phone saying "I will...I willl...I will" as though she was repeatedly demanding that he call her back when he got home. I mentioned casually that I do not think it is a good thing to keep in contact with exes, but I am not the kind of person to ever impose a rule that he can not speak to her. He assured me that she has a boyfriend, and she knows about me, she even asks about me, and he tells her how happy we are together. He says that she does not have many friends, so they talk and he gives her advice. He also says that he is cool with her parents and that they really appreciate him being her friend. So, I let it go. No point getting stupid about it, right? A couple of times they exercised together or he helped her study for finals in the very early stages of our dating. Also she called him for a ride home from some sort of party at 4 a.m., she had ridden with a first date and it didn't go well. That was before we were official, I would never stand for that, and he said that he never would have given her that ride if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. So other than these things and phone calls, no contact.

 

Fast forward about a month...she was involved in a somewhat serious auto accident. Broken bones but she didn't lose consiousness or anything, she will fully recover. Her parents called my boyfriend and told him she was in the hospital, would he come and see her? I think this is odd. Anyway, he went. I got very upset at this, and found it inappropriate. In this night's discussion he kept on trying to justify keeping in contact with her, but finally it was like a light bulb went on in his head, and he realized that if it bothered me...whether my insecurities were justified was not the issue, the fact that I was bothered was what was most important. He said that he wouldn't speak with her again because he never wanted to upset me, his friendship with her was not worth it. About a week and a half went by, and she continued to call him every couple of days. I asked him what he was going to do- just ignore her calls, or actually tell her not to call anymore? He said he wasn't sure yet. (I do believe him that he was not talking to her during this time.)

 

So finally she calls one Saturday night at 7pm and he picks up his phone, and sets it down again without answering it. He waived his hand as if to say, I'm not picking it up, I'll call them back later. I asked who it was- he told me a name of a male friend. SOmething seemed fishy about the way he said it, so when he left the room I looked at his phone and it was the ex girlfriend. I confronted him, he apologized profusely and said that he just didn't want to upset me because he knew it bugged me when she called. Since then, he has called her to say explicitly "DONT CALL ME ANYMORE" and I listened in...from her reaction I can positively tell that he has not made any effort to contact her- he is being honest about that. (She will say...I left you 10 messages! Why haven't you called me back? He said that he is busy, and she said "busy doing what, hanging out with your dumb girlfriend?" I was so offended!) She just doesn't seem to get it that he doesn't want to talk to her. She also text messaged him things like "you used to care about me" and forwarded him a message he had sent her around new years saying that he'd always love her and be there for her. This devastated me...why would you tell someone you've been broken up with for a year that you still love them? He says it was in a friend way, but still.

 

The trust has been broken by him lying to me and I keep on thinking about that text message. He claims that he doesn't love her in any way at all anymore because she refused to accept that he has someone more important in his life. I am mixed between feeling petty about this whole thing, and feeling heartbroken and distrustful. I guess my main problem is that I don't understand his motivation for staying in contact with her. I would really appreciate everyone's perspective on if I am being played here, or if he is a good guy who was trying to befriend a fairly pathetic ex and made some bad judgement along the way. Also, do you think that the ex wanted to have her cake and eat it too- have a boyfriend but also have my boyfriend at her beck and call for rides, studying, advice? Is her weird behavior because she is losing this pseudo-boyfriend or is she jealous of me and wants to get under my skin?

[supermom]

Have YOU talked to her? I think that would DEFINETELY by my next step. Sounds like she doesn't get it.

 

She needs to move on and let you two have your own life. How about your bf changing his number?

[savethedrama4allama]

supermom- I have thought about talking to her, but she starts screaming at him when he tells her not to call so I'm think she'd do the same to me. I wanted to act as maturely as possible...I also don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking that she has me upset. He offered to change his number but I told him that I don't want him to have to do that. (When they dated, she made him change his number so that his female friends couldn't contact him! So I don't want to do anything along those lines even though he could tell everyone about his new number.) Well the she has not called him for a week so maybe there is hope? If she does call again, he is changing the number. Really, I know I can't control her, it is him that I am worried about- the lie, etc. I posted in the hopes that third parties would be able to see if he's just an idiot or a player.

[morrigan]

Your boyfriend should end all contact with his ex--whether or not he is dating anyone else. The next time she calls, he should tell her clearly never to call him again and end the conversation. He should then change his number, avoid her in public, and just get on with his life. Their relationship may be officially over, but it seems that at the least she feels like he should still be around for her when she wants him. Don't get involved in this situation--this is something your bf should be responsible for dealing with.

 

Obviously no one here is psychic about whether or not he is cheating with her--it doesn't sound like he is. However, if he is no longer involved with her and has told her not to call or contact him and she continues to do so, it's harassing and intimidating. I'm not going to say she is a stalker, but her behavior is extremely out of bounds. Your boyfriend needs to realize that she will damage any future relationship he will have if he doesn't make a clean end of contact with her. If he doesn't do anything to end contact with her, you might get tired of it and break up with him yourself.

[savethedrama4allama]

Thanks very much for your input, Morrigan. He has told her on her last 3 calls to never call again and then he has hung up. The last one was a week ago, so she may have stopped for good. I think he has realized that she is nuts. It helps a lot to hear that her behavior is out of bounds. I worried that it was just me, and I would hate to have him lose a real friend because of my own insecurities- that is what she did to him. It is interesting because she would not let him talk to his female friends from back in high school, but now she wants to be his friend. How is it that he couldn't be friends with girls who never were anything but platonic, but I'm supposed to be cool with him being buddy-buddy with her, an ex? Ironic how you're own rules come to bite you in the butt!

[supermom]

I would hate to have him lose a real friend because of my own insecurities- that is what she did to him. It is interesting because she would not let him talk to his female friends from back in high school, but now she wants to be his friend. How is it that he couldn't be friends with girls who never were anything but platonic, but I'm supposed to be cool with him being buddy-buddy with her, an ex? Ironic how you're own rules come to bite you in the butt!

 

Okay, now it does sound fishy on HER part. If she feels that it is wrong to talk to other girls when you are in a relationship, then it sounds like she is still holding onto hopes of him getting back together with her and/or cheat on you with her. I don't think your bf is cheating or will cheat.

 

On a good note...I'm sure she's annoying the heck out of him!

 

PM me or keep us posted

[savethedrama4allama]

yeah supermom, my boyfriend swears that he had no sexual contact whatsoever with his ex after they broke up, so I'm not sure if she wants him physically after a year and a half, but I KNOW she liked having him at her beck and call! She would call him and just rant about stuff: her dog chewing up her shoes, whatever. She seems like a high-drama kind of person. I am the opposite.

 

I'm also kind-of obsessed with her, I like finding out information about her, it started when he lied to me about her call...now I want to know everything I can about her because knowledge is power. Its crazy. I was getting bad, but now I have cut it out. It was just making me more obsessed. Some of the threads on this site helped me with that.

 

Well she still hasn't called. He has promised to tell me if she tries to make any contact. But, he promised before that he'd tell me when she called, and he straight lied to my face, so who knows? But he talks all the time about re-building the trust and he is so sorry for what he did, so I am going to believe that he will tell me if she calls.

 

I just try to remember that he lied about her calling, not about talking to her. He really *wasn't* talking to her. So it is a lie, but not of the worst kind.

 

If only we could read their minds.

 

Thanks very much for your concern. It helps very much to talk to unbiased parties!

[kimber]

Hi well I was in the same situation,

My ex was hanging out with his ex girlfriend, he was saying all kindds of things to me to get out of the house and lying to me. When they were caught and I confronted him about this he said the same thing, they were just friends. on goes the story a few months go by and I figure out that they are still hanging out and he is still lying, the reason that he lied was that he did not want to fight with me and he did not want to upset me.

 

I ended up getting my hands on her phone number and I called her. Very much to my surprize she continued to say they were friends. she wanted to meet me.

 

When I met her, the first thing that came out of her mouth was no kidding no wonder he wants to marry you, he was saying and talking so much about you and how happy he was.

 

She then explained the problems that she had, her sons trouble and she felt that he can help her with him, eating disorder and so on.

 

Believe me after that I felt like a fool. and now we are very good friends, he and I broke up due to other things and nothing to do with her.

 

If this girl is going through so many things in life maybe they are friends and she does trust him, but it does sound like your b/f is trying really hard to stay away from her knowing this is upsetting to you.

 

Call her if she keeps on calling him, or better yet, if she calls when you are together ask him if you can answer the phone and maybe that will stop her from calling. she is the one that is causing the problems between you and your b/f. Your b/f sounds nice and I really believe that it is her

 

Just my thought though

 

good luck

Kimber

[savethedrama4allama]

wow Kimber, its interesting to see the other side of it. It doesn't happen too often that way, does it? That helps me to believe that they were just friends.

 

I know that the ex has self-esteem issues, jealousy and control problems. My boyfriend says that he and her parents have talked about trying to get her counseling in the past. But, she has a 2-parent home that she lived in until just recently (when she elected to move out with her boyfriend), a sister, has her college tuition paid for, etc...she has support systems for sure. Since he was once the target of the jealousy and control, I don't think my boyfriend needs to be one of them.

 

A lot of times I wonder if we broke up, would he bend over backwards for me afterwards?

For that matter, would he now? He shuts his phone off at night so I wouldn't be able to get a hold of him if I needed him, but somehow it was on when she needed a ride at 4 am...

Sorry, bitterness.

[mirinda]

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

I'm also kind-of obsessed with her, I like finding out information about her, it started when he lied to me about her call...now I want to know everything I can about her because knowledge is power. Its crazy. I was getting bad, but now I have cut it out. It was just making me more obsessed. Some of the threads on this site helped me with that.

 

I completely understand your situation. My last GF was also pretty hung up with her ex BF, so this eventually caused the downfall of our relationship.

 

Just my two cents... It is unhealthy in a relationship to have mistrust, especially when it involves past relationships. I sure hope you'll be able to resolve this issue soon.

[savethedrama4allama]

You are right mirinda, distrust (especially revolving around someone you've slept with) sucks. It makes me wonder if I am setting myself up to be hurt by giving this another chance. He and I get along extremely well, but I wonder if what we share is built upon lies. I always think, does he have feelings for her...or was he just an idiot. He always wants to be "Mr. Nice Guy" so I can see him feeling bad for her and thats why he kept on talking to her. Of course the realistic/cynical/jaded side of me knows how much they shared, that she was his first love, and there could still be feelings there.

 

Its too bad that your girlfriend's hangups made the whole thing go down in flames. I wonder, why do people get hung up on their exes? Aren't they finished for a reason? He said that as a couple they fought constantly and thats why they broke up, but that they got along great as friends. That seems odd to me.

 

All I know is that she was crazy. She would make him wash the gel out of his hair at night before she left his house or else she thought he'd be going out to meet women or have one over. She wouldn't let him style his hair or dress nicely for class. She would call him constantly at work. He is very attractive and gets a lot of looks, but from what I know she never had a reason not to trust him. If he really considered her over me...well, he's crazy too. This is what I tell myself to keep my chin up.

 

I am four years older than his ex, that presents issues for me. Even though I have a well paying job and I'm almost done with a masters degree, I know that does not make me a better person. Maybe I'm not as pretty, sexy, charming, or engaging as she is. What it all comes down to is self esteem. And pride, because I refuse to be disrespected and lied to. And fear, that I will lose faith in a man that I thought I could trust.

[mikeystiger]

I had to join after reading your message just because I'm going through just about the exact same thing! My b/f's ex comes from a really f'ed up family and life and he's pretty much tried to help her out for the year - 2 years they were together (the 2nd year i was around and he was still somewhat dating her since i was more of a friend) But she was crazy, literally, and tried to control him, caused lots of drama, wouldn't let him talk on his phone around her, and went through all his things.

 

However when I was reading your message, I figured maybe you were just overreacting because I have one ex in particular that I am still friends with (not as close and you said your b/f is with his) and I wouldn't like my b/f to tell me not to be friends with him because my b/f was jealous. I don't see why I would need to stop being friends with someone who i'm completely just friends and nothing was going on, especially if my ex had a g/f too. It gets better don't worry.

 

But then, I started reading other people's replies and more information on your problem and realized I was somewhat wrong about you overreacting. I understand completely your jealousy factor and the obsession matter. I understand that you probably "hate" the girl cause she just never seems to get the hint that he doesn't want her around anymore. Or at least I do. Trust your boyfriend that he's not calling her to talk, which you do and thats very good!

 

I've often wanted to talk to my b/f's ex myself to tell her to leave us alone, I've had contact with her person to person but I'll ignore her and her me because I don't want to really get in the middle of it and I don't want to push my boyfriend away. I know she still sends him texts and calls him frequently and tries to offer to buy him things, and it bugs the crap out of me. Calling her may just have her whine to your boyfriend some more and may even get him upset because you were trying to take control of the situation yourself. It will just make her more mad, and the phone calls and texts will fade the more he tells her not to call or talk to him ever. I seriously don't think he's cheating on you with her because why would he tell someone he's seeing to leave him alone over and over again? Changing his number would probably be the best case, even though you don't want to make him do that as you would then be "resembling" her and her ways. She still could find a way to get it, especially if they have mutual friends (my b/f's ex did that even though he changed the number on his own will). As hard as it is, I think its best to continue to talk to your boyfriend about it and let him decide what to do. Even bring up the fact that you think maybe you should talk to her. You said he was very close to her and her parents, which will make it even harder for them to lose total contact, but over time, lots of time it will die down. I know its so hard to just kinda sit back let all this happens when I didn't want it to, but at the same time not push my b/f away by telling him what to do, by fear of being like her.

 

Maybe I didn't even really help, and just wanted to let you know what I have done in the same spot. My b/fs ex still calls alot, not as much but he continues to tell her not to call. Girls just never learn apparently. But then I've never actually confronted her like he has, even though I've sent her text messages telling her stop what she's doing without saying who sent it (off the internet if you know her phone provider or from a friends # ur b/f doesnt know) yes i know its worse to go behind his back to try to get her to stop but yeah. good luck with all thisl, sorry i'm not really giving advice since im still in my same sit but maybe it'll help...ok this is long by.

[Fayebelle]

I really think you are justified in limiting their contact for her sake as well. Anyone who has ever broken off a long term relationship knows there is often a lingering doubt as to whether or not they have done the right thing. The initial fear of being alone can cause you to cling to your ex "as friends" but really they are just a security blanket. Your BF may honestly desire a platonic relationship with this woman but by stepping in with every crisis or need of hers he is still fullfilling needs that may prevent her from moving on and finding someone new.

 

Has SHE dated anyone since their breakup? Did he date anyone before you and if so how did that end? This whole situation could just be dragging out the closure aspect of their failed relationship and preventing either of them from being happy with someone new; including you. Either way I think a few months space would be good for both them AND you. After that if they want to readdress being friends-Fine, but they won't be so dependent on one another- and that would have to be better for everyone involved.

[savethedrama4allama]

Fayebelle- Yes, there is definitely a security blanket aspect here, mostly for on her end. That is the perfect name for it.

I guess his ex started dating a new guy in February and by April she was already living with him. (My boyfriend saw the look on my face when he told me this and he said "yeah, she's like that.) I asked him if her boyfriend knew about their friendship and was cool about it and he said yes. So I said, you've met him then? And he said, well...no... Hmmm. Lets see, you've never met the guy. How do you know he knows what is going on?

 

I think she may have had one other relationship before her current one but after my boyfriend. As for my boyfriend, between breaking up with her and dating me, he dated a few girls...but really just dates. Take them out to dinner, take them home. No funny business. He had plenty of opportunities in the year he was single for casual sex or even relationships with other girls, but he did not take advantage. That makes me feel special and really makes me want to put my trust in him.

 

What I can't get is if she's "like that" and so crazy and psycho, why the heck were they friends? He couldn't say a single good thing about her.

 

MikeyStiger- thanks for your post. It may not be advice, but it helps tons to hear that I am not psycho. For the record, I never told him that he couldn't talk to her. See, when he went to visit her at the hospital he didn't tell me so right away. I even called him when he was leaving the hospital and he told me he was just "out and about." Finally he fessed up to it way later in the night, and I was peeved because I felt he concealed it from me. We had been in a disagreement about something else from the day before and he said that he didn't want to tell me he visited her at the hospital because he KNEW IT WOULD BOTHER ME and he wanted to fix our other problem before he laid it on me. Thats when the lightbulb went on in his head and he said, "if I know it bothers you, why do I do it?" So he decided for himself to stop.

[savethedrama4allama]

And yes Mikeystiger, I do hate her! When got into that car accident, my first reaction was actually "good" and then "why did she have to live." I was absolutely horrified with myself. I didn't think that I was capable of being so nasty. I didn't really want her to die, but I actually did relish in the thought of her having surgery on her leg and wearing a cast..that she wouldn't be able to go out, or maybe that she'd get fat because she'd have to lay around.

I am pathetic. (Chuckling and sadly shaking my head.)

[Fayebelle]

Well, you seem to be handling the entire situation with the utmost maturity. Just don't let her poison your mind with negative thoughts about yourself. It's sad she caused you to think terrible thoughts about her when she had her accident because you don't need toxic emotions like hatred in your life. I think if anything she deserves pity. She is obviously stuck in a dream world that "could have been" had she not been so nutty two years ago. She is probally making herself miserable every day with her refusal to continue on without your BF. It's sad and she needs to move on. If she continues to call have your BF write a letter explaining how distance would be good for her as well and that if she does not respect his wishes he will be forced to change his number and become unobtainable forever. If she really wants a platonic relationship in the future the letter may be a written reminder of why she needs to back off and move on.

[mikeystiger]

no no its not pathetic. lol. she really does need to move on. but at the same time think of how pathetic she really is and its nice to make fun of "whore-a" with my friends and to realize how screwed up she really is. good luck with stopping that girl and i'll help u beat her up ok lol.

[savethedrama4allama]

Awww you guys are so the best

[savethedrama4allama]

Well, still no call from the ex. This is good.

Over the weekend I looked at his phone bills. Moment of weakness. I'm sorry, but I do have reason not to trust him completely, and I'm only human after all.

It seems that he is being honest about not talking to her now. No outgoing calls to her since he promised not to.

But, a few months back, my boyfriend and his ex were calling each other like mad- one month he had 77 calls to her. That is not even counting the ones from her to him, as those are simply marked "incoming" and I can't tell who is calling him.

True, these 77 calls included all the times he called her and didn't get an answer, etc.

And this was when we barely knew each other...

But to call your ex 77 times in one month? Is this guy crazy? Or is she crazy manipulative, and had him calling her nonstop, and he's just dumb for going along with it?

Your thoughts please. I've never heard of anything like this.

[mikeystiger]

Yeah that does Sound like alot but if you think there's only 30 days in a month so thats about 2 calls a day sometimes 3. And granted some of those could be where they were disconnected or returning calls like playing phone tag, or many other reasons. it doesn't sound that out of hand to be considering i can send/recieve 1000 text messages to my b/f over a month's time frame and we live together! But still that does seem a little ridiculous considering its an ex and she was calling him at the same time. Just don't let it bother you too much since you said you were just getting to know each other then. But I'm glad to hear that she hasn't called lately.

[Fayebelle]

Set the example for her and refuse to keep living in the past -as long as right now and your future look good try to have some faith in your man. Trust is such an important part of relationships-you really need to work together on repairing the damage there. I'm really glad he is taking your concerns seriously. Even his concern for her show that he is an all around caring person. I wish you the best. He sounds like a good man.

[savethedrama4allama]

Okay, I know...its hard to see that he called her right before me a lot of times. You would think that I'd come first.

And that he called her while he was at work, so his coworkers probably thought the joke was on me. Insulting.

 

Not living in the past, not living in the past...repeat with me folks....

[mikeystiger]

Not living in the past, not living in the past. It's really wierd how like everything your going though/finding out is stuff i'd been through now or then...not living in the past.....but look forward to the future like fayebelle said and now think about how you have him now, not her ha ha. and how much you two are better than her and him were. but trust is a big issue!

[mikeystiger]

I was just checking on how things were going between you too and the loved ex. lol j/j

[savethedrama4allama]

Hi mikeystiger, thanks for asking!

 

Well the ex has not reared her ugly head lately to my knowledge. My boyfriend and I had somewhat of a blow-up a few weeks ago because he had told me a while back that he hadn't talked to her in a week and a half, but I got his phone bills and he had talked to her every day. He said that it was an honest mistake but I don't know if I buy it.

 

I don't think that anything sexual was going on, so I can't figure out why it bugs me so much. I just don't get it. One month he called her 77 times...not counting her calls to him and text messages and seeing each other in person and emailing...what was going on??? Is he psycho or what? Why would you call a friend so much? Or even a girlfriend?

 

I guess you can tell that I'm not over this. But since he said he wouldn't call her, it appears that he hasn't. So I guess I hang on to that and try to forget the rest?

 

Then, I put a post on last week "problems with cheebah" which I don't think anyone replied to. Basically he broke my trust again, but in a different way. He swears that he is SO SORRY and will never do anythihg like this again. We'll see. This is his last chance.