Crushing hard, ruining me inside

[Obie]

Hey folks.

 

About a year ago I made a very frantic post because I had just learned a girl I've completely fallen for was in a relationship. She still is. If you're interested here's a link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/257200-issues-turned-worse

 

Anyway, not much has really changed since that post. I'm still crushing hard for this girl and it's becoming unhealthy. I'm starting to have vivid dreams about "being" with her. I day dream a good deal and most of it involves being her "savior" in some way. for instance, recently I imagined we were in some sort of plane crash with her breaking her leg. We crash on some island and I nurse her back to health. Another thought would be me removing my body parts and giving them to her in some sort of twisted anime world, and then living on as a ghost watching her through her life.

 

This is more then just a hard-on, I promise . I've had a token number of conversations with her but I remember the details perfectly, as if I was told yesterday. I really like her personality, or at least what it seems to be. She's extremely intelligent (one of the primary reasons I'm depressed over her, as I'm not all that bright), very industrious (she's a junior in HS and already settled for college), plus just an all around great person. Seemingly always helpful, really trustworthy. I couldn't tell you how many friends she has, both guys and other girls. She's also stunningly attractive, but that goes without saying coming from me.

 

She has a boyfriend. The bits of conversation I've eavesdropped indicate her friends don't really like him. One time a friend of hers told her she could do much better. They still talk on facebook though, so they're still very much together. I don't hate the boyfriend. But everytime I see her it physically hurts. My chest literally feels like its burning. I'm a very self-aware person. Just having her around triples my heart rate almost instantly. I can't think or function with her around.

 

I'm also a very depressed and suicidal person, due to my loneliness as well as other personal issues. I've been hospitalized before for fear that I would continue to hurt myself. But they pain from not having her compelled me to attempt suicide about two weeks ago by overdosing on my Citalopram. I survived, obviously, but I've been having these random convulsions whenever I try to go to sleep. My part of my body starts to loose control and shake rapidly. It really hurts. But there's no denying it, my lack of woman skills was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Specifically finding out another girl I was courting had a boyfriend.

 

I've tried hard to get over her. I honestly have. Many online walkthroughs, talking to people in real life. Friends have given me advice on how to do it, how to break the connection. But I can't, or maybe subconsciously I don't want to. I don't know. I just wish I could move on, but I'd feel like I was betraying her. I'm loyal to a person I've not spoken more than 25 words with. My situation isn't all that different from Gatsby's at this point. If there's any word of advice that people could give me I'd really appreciate it. I'm running out of options.

[jondav]

Mate, I can't comment on your romantic situation but in regards to what else you mention,as someone who has had mental illness and depression are you getting help with that? You need to separate the two, cause it can be very debilitating. Anyway my thoughts are with you.

[Forever Learning]

Mate, I can't comment on your romantic situation but in regards to what else you mention,as someone who has had mental illness and depression are you getting help with that? You need to separate the two, cause it can be very debilitating. Anyway my thoughts are with you.

 

I agree. Both high school and college are a confusing time in life, romantically and otherwise. Don't throw in the towel over infatuation for one person. You've got a long, really cool life ahead of you, you just don't realize that yet. There will be other girls, too. Plenty of them. You just have to get yourself balanced and work on yourself and your social skills. It's all a matter of baby steps of self improvement. First step would be for you to talk to a professional about some of your issues so you can get some guidance and support with some of the stress you are dealing with. And read all you can around here. You will soon discover, you are NOT ALONE in these type experiences in life. That will be reassuring as well. Find some help for the depression and thoughts of harming yourself. Getting out of this rut is a process, it takes time, but it will be worth it. Anti-depressants, good nutrition, exercise, and making small steps at improving friendships with others, are going to be your best bet at this stage in your life. Hang in there and good luck. You are the master of your own destiny.

[stillafool]

Sweetheart! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. She is a fantasy and I know how that feels. I guess it does you no good for me to tell you that once you are out of HS and no longer see her it will get better. Life will get better and perhaps even great. You may not believe me right now, but trust me it will. Please don't attempt suicide anymore as you don't want to hurt those who love you. My brother commited suicide and my family and I will never get over it. Life will get better, I promise you so just hold on. Do you believe in God? If so pray for help. It helped me so much. Lastly, do you have counselors you would feel safe talking to about this or a school psychologist? If so, seek their help as well. There's no shame in seeking help from them as they will keep everything confidential and direct your path to getting better. In the meantime we are here if you need to talk about it. Stay strong.