Came here looking for help....

[kiababy]

....and I'm shocked and angry at how many mean, vindictive WOMEN - yes, that's right - not a single mean post from a man - there are that are happy and willing to beat up on other women who find themselves in a bad situation.

 

I admit I get sidetracked from the issue at hand because I want to stick up for us OW. Especially the ones who are being treated like s**t by the MM and just want a shoulder to cry on.

 

Who decided the OW doesn't have the right to love, cry, make mistakes, have good days, have horrible days, daydream about the future.....and all the other human things that happen to them?

 

I've said it before - do you really think when we were little girls we dreamed of growing up one day and falling in love with someone elses' husband?????

 

And I've never mentioned this before but.....yes I DO know how an affair affects families. My parents divorced when I was 14. And my father then married his much younger girlfriend who he had been having an affair with for years. After 10 years they divorced too. The grass wasn't greener.

 

Did he and my mom divorce because he had an affair? NO - they divorced because it was a BAD MARRIAGE. I agree with some of the others who have posted that cheating is just a symptom of problems in a marriage.

 

No, cheating is never justified. But it happens all the time. And there are Other Women involved, and I'm one of them.

[HokeyReligions]

Look harder -- you'll find some "mean" posts from men.

 

I happen to believe that no one is wholly bad - but that all of us have or will, make a bad decision or two in our lives. Continuning an affair with a married person, or being married and engaging in an affair, is a bad decision and those folks are going to find some harsh words here. Does that invalidate their feelings? Only if they let it. Hopefully, the disgust shown by some of us will help convince them to get out of the situation and do what is right before taking up with the relationship again.

 

Some people are hurt and don't know why and perhaps when they see and understand the opinions of others, they will be able to accept their own actions and understand their own hurt enough to be able to help themselves.

 

For the OW (or OM) who are being treated like feces by their Married Lover --- they made the decision to stay in the relationship so they are getting what the deserve at the time. The same goes for all people in bad relationships. When they accept and believe that they deserve happiness and to be treated right, then they will get out of the harmful relationship, or take the appropriate actions to change the relationship, thereby finding happiness and deservedly so.

[She's Come Undone]

Originally posted by kiababy

....and I'm shocked and angry at how many mean, vindictive WOMEN - yes, that's right - not a single mean post from a man - there are that are happy and willing to beat up on other women who find themselves in a bad situation.

 

Uh, you still don't take our damn advice (nice or mean), but did you ever think how mean and vindictive you are being to the MW of your MM? I doubt it!

 

I admit I get sidetracked from the issue at hand because I want to stick up for us OW. Especially the ones who are being treated like s**t by the MM and just want a shoulder to cry on.

 

OW don't need to be stuck up for, they need to wake the *uck up and realize that they deserve to be treated better, and deserve their own man!

 

Who decided the OW doesn't have the right to love, cry, make mistakes, have good days, have horrible days, daydream about the future.....and all the other human things that happen to them?

 

You have lots of right, m'dear...messing with another woman's man isn't one of them.

 

I've said it before - do you really think when we were little girls we dreamed of growing up one day and falling in love with someone elses' husband?????

 

So why don't you DO something about it??

 

And I've never mentioned this before but.....yes I DO know how an affair affects families. My parents divorced when I was 14. And my father then married his much younger girlfriend who he had been having an affair with for years. After 10 years they divorced too. The grass wasn't greener.

 

It would have been nicer if you could have learned something from your past experience instead of repeating it.

 

Did he and my mom divorce because he had an affair? NO - they divorced because it was a BAD MARRIAGE. I agree with some of the others who have posted that cheating is just a symptom of problems in a marriage.

 

That's funny...I bet you any money that the cheater is the only one who claims it's a bad marriage in the beginning, and it becomes a bad marriage BECAUSE of their cheating.

 

No, cheating is never justified. But it happens all the time. And there are Other Women involved, and I'm one of them.

 

Yep, cheating happens all the time, and us mean, vindictive women are sick of hearing about you OW making excuses, acting like you should be defended, felt sorry for, making like you really want advice and never taking it. Why should we be constructive when you're not?

[supermom]

I'm sorry but just wait until YOUR THE WIFE who is cheated on. I try not to judge people, but I have been the wife, and so because I am still bitter about my H infidelity ( and will be for a long time) I can't justify myself feeling sorry for the OW's out there when I still want to beat the OW w/ my H's A$$.

 

Sorry

[Debster]

kiababy,

 

I'm sorry that you feel that way. I do feel for OW - but I must admit that I have read negative comments from both sides on this issue. You must agree that affairs and cheating is a hot button item and it will continue to stir the pot, so to speak. If my posts appeared mean to you, I'm sorry. I was not trying to make you feel worse - rather the contrary that you deserve more.

 

I do wish that you and many OW have an offline support network in addition to loveshack.

[kiababy]

You've missed the point, both of you. I want OUT, I'm working on getting there. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me - discussing the situation with all of the other OW out there helps when you're trying to find the resolve to do something.

 

And all of you have just proved what I said about women in general.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by kiababy

You've missed the point, both of you.

 

And all of you have just proved what I said about women in general.

Which is what? That women in general don't like it when other women cheat with someone else's man?

[Mr Spock]

I don't want APPROVAL I don't want UNDERSTANDING I want ADVICE on how the hell to protect my heart. On what I should do. On what I should expect and what I deserve.

 

You'll never hear me pat another OW on the back unless she leaves him or he committs to a relationship with her, because those are the only two appropriate courses of action in an affair. Either you leave, or you stop and stay and TRY like hell to patch it up.

 

Speaking from both sides of the fence-you can hang on for lengthy periods of time, but after an affair the relationship will NEVER BE THE SAME. It is over.

[Mr Spock]

I'd also say I don't approve of cheaters. I just really really liked this man . I hope he tells his wife. I hope the next times things are rough he separates before he does this again.

[She's Come Undone]

Sorry, but if you want to us to be nice to you, show us that you are doing something about your situation. Tell us the specifics of how you are getting out. Then you will receive the support you want, and need.

 

Many of these posts by OW go something like this...I know it's wrong but I can't help it...I was cheated on so I kow how it feels...How could this happen to me?...

 

I'd love to hear...I got myself into this situation, here's what I've done to get out...

[sara1974]

Kiababy

Girl you have allot of issues and I think you need more help then just posted up this thread.. You can't bash all women, were not all mean and cruel. Sweetheart if you don't like the response that your getting from OW then don't read them. None of us are perfect because if we were, we wouldn't be in this thread. We are just giving our opinion like you asked. If you don't like the response that your getting, don't read them.(it's that simple) I wish you luck!

[kiababy]

You guys are replying to only half the story anyway. If you had read my post titled "Today I hate him..." you would know that I was ready to call it quits and had already planned what I wanted to say.

 

I've had a setback. Which happens when you're trying to leave someone you love. But I guess all of you are so perfect, flawless and above it all you wouldn't understand.

[kiababy]

...responses like yours, from women not in my position are few and far between

[supermom]

That's some attitude here!

 

I've had a setback. Which happens when you're trying to leave someone you love. But I guess all of you are so perfect, flawless and above it all you wouldn't understand.

 

Damn!

[Mr Spock]

I'm not defending or accusing here. I'm just saying it's not easy. Like losing weight. If it were so easy we'd ALL be thin.

 

Me, would I have been able to cut it off if I had a visit like I'd planned from MM? I would hope so, but chances are I wouldn't (I'm weak where pretty faces are concerned) and I'd be sitting here torturing myself AGAIN for another month. I am glad I pushed him into giving me an honest response. I am so glad. Am I hurt? Yes. As much as his wife would be if she found out? Hell No. Do I regret allowing this man to have the power to hurt me? Yes.

 

 

I am hoping time will heal all wounds. I am hoping he won't come knocking on my door in a year. I don't know if I could handle it again.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I've had a setback. Which happens when you're trying to leave someone you love. But I guess all of you are so perfect, flawless and above it all you wouldn't understand.

 

Is this the real reason why you are so angry and lashing out, Kia?

 

Anger’s good. It’s the very next step after self pity. But unless you learn to direct it through the appropriate channels, rather than externalizing it, it will eventually spiral around and turn into self-loathing…even depression.

 

So, you’ve slipped up. You’re frustrated. You’re disappointed in yourself. You hate the world, and anyone in it who lifts a mirror and forces you to take a good, hard look at yourself…and your life.

 

Now, turn that anger around and direct it towards your married man/men. The people here are not responsible for where you are. Those men and your bad relationship choices are. You must also come to terms one day with how much of a role “you” played in sabotaging your own life. Accepting accountability for our bad choices is the first step towards introspection and learning empathy (the ability to step outside ourselves and realize just how much our actions and choices also impact others.) And unless we learn from our mistakes and break those unhealthy cycles, we will be doomed to repeat them.

 

Unlike the unwary wives, you have not earned the right yet to come here and play ‘victim.’ There are some very intelligent and intuitive people on this forum who won’t let you get away with that. And it’s out of genuine care and concern…not hate.

 

Remember, this is your THIRD affair. Obviously, whatever you’ve been doing so far hasn’t exactly been working for you --- otherwise you would not be here asking for help and “advice.” While I can understand that you may need an emotional punching bag right now, you might be surprised at how many here are up for the challenge. If you want to lash out…then lash out! But don’t cry “foul” when someone cares enough about you to deliver a healthy dose of truth.

[kiababy]

....BUT - I'm not lashing out at posts like yours. What made me lash out are posts from people whose only comment was 'You're pathetic'. I am NOT a victim. I am trying to work through something so F*****G frustrating I want to scream!!!!!!!! Not at constructive criticism - please understand that, I've said it over and over.

 

If I say 'gee I'm having a bad day, I'm trying...whatever......' I that does not mean I'm looking for pity. Please don't read into my words that I want forgiveness from any of you either. This is a forum where I have the right to rant and rave too. But do not think I will sit here and take the nasty comments flung at me and not say anything back. How come all of you notice immediately when I say something not so nice to someone and you never seem to read the post BEFORE it that prompted it???????? I won't be bullied. Period.

[kiababy]

Do you know how I got involved with my first married man? Of course not. I bet you think I looked across a room at a party at someone else's husband and followed him into the bathroom and gave him a BJ????

 

Well let me tell you what happened: I was getting divorced from my son-of-a-bitch husband who made the entire 9 years of my marriage a prison. He is a successfuly businessman, I was just a housewife, very shy and quiet. When we split up he convinced MY OWN DAMN MOTHER that I was crazy for wanting to divorce him so when we went to court there she was ON HIS SIDE OF TABLE. Sitting with him, encouraging him to petition the judge to grant him full custody of our two boys. To make a very ugly story short - he lost, the judge granted joint custody (I'm not the evil bitch you all like to think I am), and ordered him out of the house. I won.

 

But during this time when my own mother was against me, actually hated me - and all of our friends were too uncomfortable to talk to me (he was calling them all and telling them his side of a 9 year marriage - I chose to say NOTHING - how could I possibly defend myself?), I started working again and made one new friend. He was a married co-worker and became my shoulder to cry on ...and I do mean CRY. I don't need to go into detail. It resulted in a friendship which turned into a 2 year affair. Eventually he and his wife split - that was our common ground - 'marital problems', we went on ONE date in six months, his wife came back to him , and we never spoke again.

 

The second MM was actually separated when we met. But he did NOT tell me until he and his wife filed for divorce, that during our relationship he and his wife would get back together and split up again several times. I had no clue I was involved with a guy who was technically 'married' on and off.

 

But I know it now so to me it counts as an affair. They are in the middle of their own divorce and I choose to stay out because I went through my own hellish divorce and his is just as bad, involving his drug addiction - which I also found out about after the fact.

 

I have no flimsy excuse for being with my current MM other than - I feel like I am in love for the first time in my life. I'm not ashamed to say that I love him because that is how I FEEL.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Kia, you have become the kind of person you claim to resent the most. I have read back through your posts and the first “punch” was thrown by you.

From your previous post dated 5/24/04:

Oh please, women have never been particularly nice or loyal to me so I could care less about the so-called 'sisterhood'. And yes, he and his wife do have some sex, but she says he 'hurts' her for reasons I don't need to go into. I get out of it what I want and he gets what he wants.

 

Why don't you blame the wives of these men who don't give their husbands what they need....or become frumpy, miserable, screaming, banshees who drive their men away.

 

And ladies...get your butts into the gym, out jogging, on rollerblades or on your bike with your man!!!! That's where I meet most of my men - they're out there working out and getting healthy while you sit on the phone and gossip....or whatever it is women do.

 

You have built such a jagged wall around yourself that it no longer serves as “protection,” but rather a people repellant. You, in short, have BECOME the “bully.”

There are those who have tried every approach imaginable with you. Even women who have been in similar situations have extended a kind hand to you and got bitten by your anger and hostility in return. As VivianLee pointed out so eloquently:

....some of us have tried to give this person advice...but they basically just want to tell their story and relive the "drama" and just hear "go for it"......so instead of her getting "a drama fix" by retelling everything....here's some links to the "whole story"....all together about 12 or so pages....[external link] [external link]

 

I'm not judging her for what she's doing with the MM....that's not it at all....it's the drama and craziness she's exposing her son to that made me quit reading her posts......I want her to be safe and happy but I don't think she wants to be happy. Some people seek chaos and feed on drama.....it's like a drug....a drama junky!!

 

You continue to beg for help, but then reject it. If you continue to push people away, you WILL find yourself standing alone. Sure, you can vent, rant and rage…but you will soon be doing it without an audience. People will just quit caring enough to listen.

 

You are in need of some very serious PROFESSIONAL help kia…unfortunately far more than this forum can offer.

 

G-d bless, Kia. Meanwhile, all I can do for you now is to continue to pray for the restoration of your sanity and the real help that you so desperately need.

[kiababy]

And again, my 2 sons are not being exposed to any of this. I don't have men around when they are home, or have any of them call my home phone. That one I resent the most. Yes I said all that. I have no female friends. Then I made peace with people like Debster, who really were trying to help and got over it. But as soon as I quit - the attacks started. So yes, I will defend myself when I have to. I've already said before that I went to a therapist. He didn't help. My issues are too complicated for a quick fix. I don't want to discuss my whole damn childhood - I want to get out of this relationship - ironiseally with the only person who seems to care about me. A quick fix however is exactly what I need to get over just this hurdle.I'm sick of all this.

 

He's coming over in the morning anyway. I just want to not have to think about all of this s**t anymore I want the words to come out of my mouth - "I don't want to do this anymore - go home, please stop calling me." . I hate this . or maybe I hate him. not sure right now

[EnigmaXOXO]

I want the words to come out of my mouth - "I don't want to do this anymore - go home, please stop calling me."

 

Shoot. Is that all you want?

 

I figured you were looking for nothing short of a miracle!

 

This one’s easy. And it won’t take an act of G-d, either. You’ve got the power to grant your own wish and heal thyself!

 

Walk over to the d*mn phone. Pick it up. Call him and SAY exactly what you want to say, then hang it up. Walk away and don’t look back.

 

What’s the matter?...You don’t strike me as being some kind of wuss. Are you all bark and no bite?

 

If not, then I dare you to prove it! Sh*t or get off the pot, Kia. Otherwise, I don’t think I could expend the energy to invest one more keystroke getting sucked up in all this mess.

 

You take the first step…THEN I promise to do my best to support you with the next one (if that’s what you’re really looking for.) But I can’t promise that you won’t eventually wear me out like you did your last therapist. I have a sneaky suspicion you’re rather good at doing just that.