*Revised Again* Sorry! Pros/Cons, Relationship Story ???

[futuredentist]

This is long, so I thank the people who actuallyread this and give me some good advice.. Here is my relationship story....

 

My boyfriend is amazing. Very mellow, yet outgoing.But I have been for the last month off and on wondering if this relationshipwill really work. Here is why...

 

PROS

1. Smart- he is very intelligent

 

2. Respectful- towards everyone

 

3. Gentlemen- opens car door for me95% of the time

 

4. Funny- makes me laugh

 

5. Attractive- He is a cutie andwith a tan whewwwww HOT

 

6. Overall Good Person- pretty goodmorals, good head on his shoulders

 

7. 90% Considerate

 

8. Parents are nice

 

9. Good job- good pay

 

10. Going to school- to excel in thecareer field he is in

 

11. Sex is good- nice package, notlazy, adventurous

 

12. Tries to cook- he doesn’t cookanything on the stove, yet he’s been doing it lately because he knows I don’tlike men who only cook on the grill

 

13. Clean- hygiene

 

14. Assertive- has a back bone, we actuallyequal out in dominance thank god. So sick of being with a man who can’t stickup for himself or do things on his own

 

15. Things in Common

 

16. Affectionate- most affectionateperson I have been with- love it

 

17. Doesn't Believe in POLITICSwoohooo

 

18. No Children

 

19. No Criminal History

 

20. Communication- when it comes todisagreements or how we feel

 

21. Dresses nice

 

22. Doesn't have a sailors mouth

 

23. Sociable

 

24. Good Relationship with family

 

25. In to Holidays

 

26. Has dreams/goals

 

27. Positive/good attitude- supportsme a lot through rough times with school and he puts up with my ****(especially during PMS- very lucky to have him)

 

28. Not selfish

 

29. Somewhat romantic

 

30. Somewhat Spontaneous

 

31. Somewhat creative

 

CONS

 

1. Don't know if I can trust him- Ijust started checking his phone 2 weeks ago because a dilemma that happenedregarding a possible STD. The STD scenario is down below past the CONS.

 

---He’stoo nice to people. I mean he has a “girl friend” at work that he treats tolunch all the time. He’s not even her boss. He feels bad because she gets paid$6 less than him and she does things for him at work. She’s married to theopposite race w/children but he calls her his “other wife” because he loves her(as a friend), she has a great personality, but opposite race of my bf. My bfis also friends with her husband but heremy bf is trying to save money and he’s paying for her lunch once or twice aweek. Why can’t her husband give her lunch money. Her husband has a good job.

 

*----Alsohe told me he went to some work happy hour thing and gave some waitress hiscard because he remembered seeing her in high school and he felt bad she wasbeing his waitress and here he was in a suit. I actually think they have beentalking. (Scenario regarding possible cheating and STD situation down below) Ican’t remember if he told me it was Ruby Tuesday’s or Chili’s where thishappened.

 

-Healso is friends with this girl he had friends with benefits with. They werereally good friends for 7 years off and on. Supposedly only had sex 2x (yeahfricken right) and spent the night at each other’s house a lot. In the beginninghe told me they were in a relationship but then after questioning him about itthey were only friends. He did admit he absolutely loved her. He still talks toher but she lives in a different state. What happened is he loved her and sheended up choosing his best friend over him. She then cheated on his best friendwith him and then ended back up with his best friend and they married. She thengot divorced and remarried someone else. Who the hell is friends with someonelike that. I noticed my bf’s mom and sister is friends with her too. Totally donot agree with the situation and I don’t know if just this, will make or breakour relationship because I feel SO Strongly about men not being able to befriends with woman. I know for a fact if the girl moves back to the area, therewill be absolutely NO trust.

 

----Hetold me (we were drinking so I don’t remember) about some girl, forget whatmost of the conversation was about, but he said “I’m a guy of course I’d wanthave sex with her” and the girl is on his facebook (she’s not even pretty)

 

----On a random night we decided to go to a strip club and he said “It’s funny, Iusually or my type of woman are petite but a little more hips like thesestrippers, yet I’m so fascinated with your body” So I’m like what? So yeah, allhis previous girlfriends are I guess petite and here I am with some meat. Imean I’m thin, I look damn good in a bikini, I have some muscle tone, but thattotally made me feel like ****.

 

----Isaw a text from a coworker of his saying how she loved him for all his help andasked if he wanted to go to happy hour with her like last week. This was acouple months back the text was dated. Found out she was single and 15 years older then him.

 

-Supposedlyhe’s only slept with 8 people. How quick he got a hard on, when we first kissedon our first date makes me hardly believe that. We didn’t have sex, we partedways after we kissed but he got a hard on and was a little embarrassed. We didn’thave sex till 3/4/5wks after meeting and dating

 

----He told me once he let a stripper give him a blow job, that he use to go tostrip clubs for a drink after work by himself.. and I’m just like, I think Ican do better than this guy. He has kinda ****ty morals and values but hetreats me good other than that. Very communicative and honest.

 

2. Unhealthy Eater- He eats so crappy,I’m a health fanatic and love working out

 

3. Not that active- he likes to belazy when he gets home. I like to go to the park.

 

4. Smokes

 

5. Started me smoking

 

6. Constant drinker meaning a glassor two of wine a night

 

7. 90% doesn't clean or pick upafter himself - the trash and laundry basket is RIGHT THERE

 

8. 95% doesn't do laundry

 

9. Babied by mother, and supposedlyexpects me to do the same just because he leaves his **** everywhere like hedoes to his mom

 

10. Friends w/exes (SO NOT OKAY WITHTHIS)- Already explained in #1

 

11. Doesn't have his **** together(house being sold, moving back in with mom for 6 months then finding his ownplace again with me once money is saved)

 

12. Teeth (needs to go to the damndentist and get a check up- I'm going to be a dentist- hell fricken lo)

 

13. Height (can't wear my awesomeheels)

 

14. Too nice of a guy (gives womanwrong impressions because he's too nice, I mean I’d get the wrong impression ifhe gave me his business card)

 

15. Aggressive when driving (yellingout the window or doing stupid **** when one makes a mistake on the roaddriving)

 

16. Sometimes I don't like theperson I have become - mostly when I smoke is when I feel this

 

17. Likes Strip Clubs/has messed aroundwith a stripper once

 

18. Communication- I always tell himwhat I am doing all day. He doesn’t tell me what he does. Doesn’t tell me as inwhere he goes to lunch or who he’s going with, yet when I bring a bag home fromsomewhere I went he’s like “oh you didn’t tell me you were going there” welpyou don’t tell me where you’re going during the day or errands you do, or lunchdates you have.

 

19. Not open about how his day wentor stress he's going through

 

20. Can't do cats

 

21. Not very religious

 

22. Doesn't care that drinking,smoking, not eating right, not working out is really bad for you

 

23. Procrastinator

 

I know no one is perfect. But latelyI don’t know what to think, don’t know if I’m just being a nit picker, maybebecause I am PMSing could be part of it. I mean I am a total bitch when I’m onbirthcontrol and PMSing. I’ve had to change birthcontrols like 5 times becausethey all effect me in different ways that I can’t stand or my bf hates orprevious bf’s hate. When I’m off birthcontrol I am totally sane.

 

So here’s the Scenerio from above…. 2 weeks ago aflesh colored bump arose on his penis head. He thought that he had cut himselfsomehow. Then last Monday a bunch of smaller flesh colored bumps arose. AND hegoes and pops the first one that arose 2 weeks ago. He thought it was aningrown hair or pimple or something. He thinks these bumps are from the newlaundry detergent I used 3/4 weeks ago and again this past weekend (when moreof the bumps arose) or it could be from dry sex or new KY. What do I believe??I don't know. He doesn't have the time to cheat with a demanding fulltime joband part time classes at school. I DON'T cheat; neither have I EVER had an STDof some sort. I have always been healthy and clean, so I don't know what to door think. He went for an STD test last week (urine sample) and the doctorlooked at his penis and said it's nothing. The test results came back yesterdayas negative. The doctor also said we can't have sex until the bumps heal, butto take his sex advice with a grain of salt. It still freaks me out though. Idon't know how to support him, how did he get these bumps that he never hadbefore? We've had dry sex before, and if it was laundry detergent why arn't thebumps other places? I beleive we've used the KY before as well. I trust him butwhen it comes to something like this, it gives me second thoughts. We've talkedabout our future together and started looking at places to move into togetherso, I don't know. What do I do?

 

On another note, here I'm the one freaking out about it and he is totally calm,not stressed.. Maybe it is trust issues??? I mean I had an STD scare a longtime ago (it ended up being an ingrown hair lol) and I was freaking out likecrazy. Why wasn't he freaking out? Anyone would freak out if they were diseasefree and something shows up like that right?

 

One more thing on top of it all. Here comes thesuspicion part of cheating. My boyfriend is a SUPER nice guy, too nice, but isassertive as well. When his first bump arose I felt suspicious. I have neverlooked into his phone, I never wanted to, never wanted to start that crap, Irespect his privacy, until that day. I looked in his phone and noticed somegirl... Lets call her Jane, he had send her a text saying something about"How are things going, sorry it took me so long to get back to you"Her name logged into his phone was Jane(Ruby Tueday's). Okay first off, youhave to put where you met the person in your phone so you can remember who theyare. So, I deleted the number out of his phone and I think I might of deletedthe text message. Welp, I look in his phone after he had showed me more of theflesh colored bumps that had risen a day or two after, and her name is back inhis phone. I tried to delete it again and accidently called the number. Ihurried and hung up, deleted the number but didn't know how to delete the call.So then I deleted all of his call history and all of his text messages becauseI got scared he would find out somehow. Ofcoarse he wondered how that happenedbut didn't accuse me. I know from experience men and woman can't be friends. Ihave mail friends that I've had sex with before that are "myfriends". I have male friends that I haven't had sex with that I wouldjust like as friends and they want more. Men and woman can't be friends. Itmakes me want to check his phone again in a couple days to see if the girl isback into his phone. I HATE THIS! This is why I never ever want to look ordisrespect someones privacy because once you find something your suspicions ofit turns to an addiction to find out the truth or the things your loved oneisn't telling you. So it's like what do I do with all of this?

 

I mean am I just being paranoid, psycho, nit picking, a bitch, too shallow or could it be because I am afraid of divorce and don't want to end up in a situation where I could get hurt so I rather remove the problem before it happens. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I need some peace of mind. I know noones perfect and so far this is the best boyfriend (i've had A LOT of boyfriends) I have had that has treated me so well and has done so many sweet things for me, too many to list. I need advice. I see a therapist regularly once a month for anger issues I have towards my father who was never there for me. Sooo, I know most of my anger and distrust comes from the whole father bullcrap I had to go through.

 

Anways, thank you for whoever was able to sit through and read this entire thing. I really appreciate any and all comments whether good or bad.

[divine010]

HI FutureDentist,

 

Yes your thread was a long read, but I feel your pain and concerns.

Your insecurities sound familar to mine. I had issues with my dad, because he wasn't always there for me and my mom and so I try to stay away from men that remind me of my dad. Yeah and he was a ladies man and had no problem flaunting it. Although he is still with my mother today and has somewhat changed (being old and unattrative)..lol..I told them both that I do have some issues with guys when it comes to how my father treated my mother. But I am dealing with them and know how to control my emotions when something happens in my relationship.

 

I commend you for going to seek counsel to get to the root of why you react the way you do to situations. Theres always a root. Sometimes it stems from a bad relationship or problems as a child/teenager.

 

As for your boyfriend, sounds so familar like mine. I am not sure how old you all are, but it could be how mature he is in his life and how he always dealt with female friends and ex girlfriends before he met you. Sounds to me he definitely enjoys the company of the opposite sex.

 

The question is, how much longer can you deal with this for the long-term? Do you see yourself married to someone who behaves like this? Cause if he isn't willing to make boundaries with these people, then you will be sadly dissapointed if you try to make him change.

 

Can you honestly live life this anymore? Dating someone, who loves going to strip clubs, staying in touch on a regular basis with sleeping buddies, ex girifriends, and casual women he meets at the bar/resturants. You have cases and list of things that shows that he just isn't the "commited" kind of person. He may not have sex with these woman, but he is making himself emotional available for them whenever they call and that to me can sometimes be unfaithful. You know over time, if you already have doubt, then the relationship can only get worse. And cause you to check his phone, emails, on and on. You will start to become some detective until you find out the hard core evidence to catch him cheating and do you really want to go through all of that drama?

 

This will wear and tear on your mind day in and day out. It can make you crazy to. Thinking and analzying stuff, snooping around. These will definitely show up in the relationship and he will notice it and become resentful towards you, if you don't address it now.

 

All I can say is to stop pretending that as long as you keep deleting his messages and the womens phone numbers that he will miracluosly stop talking to them. Because he won't. You are right for feeling what might happen in the furture, go with you gut and proceed.

 

Also, I am not going to say leave him, cause it's not my place and sounds like you have invested alot with him and he does have positives with you.

 

So what you can do is sit him down and tell him how these things make you feel. Don't attack him or be agressive because you will get no anwsers or solution as to why he is going what he doing. Make sure he is ready to talk though, cause if he is stressed out or had a bad day, those are not the best times. Try to be calm about what you are about to ask him and ask him to help you to understand the reason (s) he thinks it OK to stay in touch with these people/act inappropriately. Don't ask him why why why, like you whining. But more so like you are trying to understand where he is coming from. And maybe it will give you a much better sense of who he is and make you feel more secure to put your mind at ease. But if he flat out tells you that he isn't going to stop doin things that makes you feel uncomfortable, or take any steps to make boundaries, or make any effort. Then you must decide and decide soon and exit strategy. Because he clearly doesn't care alot about the relationship or future to work on it.

 

My ex had some similar habits with female friends and he had more female friends than guy friends. Which made me question his character. At first, I was cool with it, but as the relationship progress, when I saw him acting inapropriate or flirty, I had to sit him down and tell him that boundaries needed to be made and if he didn't care to make them, then we weren't going to have a healthy relationship. Sometimes, it our own insecurities and we don't want to deal with it, and we as women want to blame the guy for what others have down to us in the past and we think that they are going to eventually hurt us like the others did. Which you don't want to start thinking negatively about him. But if you explain to him, how certain things make you uncomfortable and he is mature and cares enough about your feelings then he will take the neccessary steps to not get "carried away" with these people and put you first and acknowledge that he is in a serious and committed relationship.

 

I never got that about men and having so many female friends. Sometimes, they were raised by women all their lives or they just get along better with them. But once he is in a relationship with one, he must be ready to put these people in their place and if they want to remain friends with him, then they have to respect that he is in a relationship, but he has to let them know it's not okay to do this and that while he is with you.

 

If you never talk to him about it, he may never know that what he is doing is affecting you badly.

 

If he cares and starts taking those steps, than you got to trust him and start doing you part and believeing in him, that's only if you want it to work.

 

I hope things work out. Keep us posted.

[sid3]

How short is he that its one of the things on your lost of cons? I think most of the negatives could be worked on. Maybe you are overall a very demanding person with exceedingly high expectations, although I think he may need to improve some of his behaviors too.

[sweetsmmr91]

He has issues, but you need to stop sneakily looking through his phone... I mean I totally try to see who a guy's texting if I'm with him and he's texting someone else, and I get suspicious if he averts his phone from my glance. But to go through all of that and deleting her number and stuff? He's obviously going to keep talking to her if you've already deleted it once and it's back in there. I would approach him about it. As for the STD thing! Um, he must get checked. Yikes.

 

Most of your cons seemed a bit petty.. things you can work on. Why can't you wear heels with a short guy? So what if it makes you taller than him!? You look like a model, and he looks like the lucky guy there with a model! I'm 5'9/5'10 so I've constantly got this problem! If he's got confidence he won't mind the woman he's with being a bit taller than him, and if you've got confidence it won't turn you off either

 

The strip club I would nix. Make sure he's done with that. It'd be one thing if he went with buddies and had a good time, but actually having sexual relations with a stripper? Umm. Nope.

 

Most of your pros seem kind of bland, while your cons seem kind of in depth and thought out. If you think you can do better go do better, but if you think he's worth working on it... work on it.

[futuredentist]

Last night I finally comfronted him about my suspicions. He got SO upset, pissed, mad because I invaded his privacy and couldn't trust him enough that I had to look in his phone. I have never seen him like that. The girl I suspected him of having a possible relationship with, lives in another state. He had actually went on a business trip a year back and had a ****ty flight so the Ruby Tuesday's was next to his hotel and he had a few drinks and met this chic. They were just friends. He told me if I was suspicious then I should of said "Babe, due to all that's going on, I'm feeling a little insecure, so may I see your phone" He said that if I would of said something along those lines, he would of gave me his phone. He would of thought I was a little crazy but he would of been happy to ease my mind by letting me look. He said he has nothing to hide and couldn't beleive I didn't have enough faith and trust in him to do something like that. He had gotten so mad that he told me that he thought I should leave. I started to pack my things and he stopped me. He looked at me and started raising his voice again because he thought we had something good. He said he would never ever, ever cheat on me. He's never cheated. He would never cheat due to the experiance he had watching his mother and father divorce and not knowing the true reason they did divorce (he was 17 when they divorced and his dad left his mom for his moms best friend). While saying this all to me, he had tears in his eyes and his voice was crackling which then made me start crying. I felt so bad, I still feel so bad. But then again, I only checked his phone twice and had suspicion he was messing around. I really don't think it's as big of a deal he made it out to be. It was a mistake on my behalf. Sooo... now what. I did talk to him about some of the other things that bothered me, that I thought were inmorally correct. That was an argument to. Maybe I over reacted and thought to much into everything. I know he is a good person, but maybe he really is a decent guy to be in a relationship with. So confused. My thoughts are in a blunder.