Always waiting.

[Danie]

Here’s an issue for me in my marriage. I feel like I’m always waiting. This is truly getting on my nerves. Let me try to explain…

 

From the time the kids were little I’ve wanted to take them to Disney Land…way back then he said no because he wanted to wait until they were older so we’d all have more fun. Well, our daughter is graduated from high school and will be leaving to attend college in the fall and our son is 15 yrs old.

 

I want to travel different places, not exotic and over priced places…just maybe take a couple of weeks, get in a car, and drive to wherever the road takes us…but again it’s the wait until we have more money, we have more time, the kids get older….blah.

 

I want to buy a house. His words say yes his actions not so much. Its highly important to me to leave a *home* for my kids when I die.

 

*sigh* then there’s the sex. We have a great sex life…well, mostly great. I’m not one to overly share such personal details but I will make an exception here but I will not get too graphic. I generally initiate our sexual interactions. Its been this way since forever, we’ve talked about it since forever….things change for a time but revert back. I want him to initiate sex more often. It’s not a libido thing, it’s us being miss matched in this tiny area…Like I said the sex is great when it gets going,,, when I get it going…but sometimes I’m left feeling used. I even hate the way that sounds.

 

I’m tired of waiting. I want to move not sit still. I want him to give a **** about living an active life WITH me…creating new memories WITH me….really being here with me. Sure I could stop waiting on him, I’ve started to do that..and he’s freaking out a bit. I don’t want a divorce or a separation. I know I can’t make him be anyone other than he is…and I know that if I want to spend my life with him I have t accept him for who he is….we’ve talked this to death and it’s still the same.

 

We live in an area where I fear for my son. I fear for his future because the gang problem is getting bad. We live in the country so you’d think there wouldn’t be such a bad problem with gangs but there is. My boy needs his dad in his immediate life.

 

I just don’t know…I keep getting myself all jumbled up in my head thinking about this stuff…so I put it aside for a time, but it’s always there. And I’m sure there’s more to this problem that I have than I can see or think about…so that’s why I say it feels like there is something inside of me that needs to be unraveled….and then I think maybe I’m hitting my midlife and that’s effecting me in strange ways. Maybe it’s menopause? I’m 40 yrs old. He’s 50 yrs old.

[Philosoraptor]

It certainly seems like you two are incompatible in this way. Your desires and dreams are different and he seems very content with his life.

 

The ball is in your court and has been for many years so it seems.

[Danie]

Maybe so. Maybe I’m feeling a bit foolish for waiting on him for so long. Then I think about our kids.

 

It ‘feels’ like such a ****ty thing for HIM to do…to say wait, wait, wait without having any real intention of following thru…why not just say ‘no’ so I know exactly where he stands?

[Philosoraptor]

Maybe so. Maybe I’m feeling a bit foolish for waiting on him for so long. Then I think about our kids.

 

It ‘feels’ like such a ****ty thing for HIM to do…to say wait, wait, wait without having any real intention of following thru…why not just say ‘no’ so I know exactly where he stands?

Maybe he's depressed and truly intentions? Maybe he just didn't want to do anything that would ruin his comfortable life? The only thing you can see is the actions here... and they haven't made you happy.

[TigerCub]

When I was growing up my parents were the wait wait wait type. We couldn't get a dog, because we were waiting to maybe move. We couldn't move right away because we were waiting for some other circumstance, we couldn't do A because we're waiting for B - and as a result, we never did anything.

 

I think that's why I turned out impatient and quite impulsive

 

You can't spend your life waiting and never getting anything done.

 

You say that you started to "stop waiting" and that its freaking your husband out a little bit. I think, maybe you should keep doing that. Not to freak him out or make him feel bad - but maybe it will give him the kick in the pants he needs to keep up or to at least understand that you want certain things in your life to feel fulfilled.

[xxoo]

Did you ever consider taking the kids on those trips yourself?

 

It is your life, too. If his words say yes, but his actions say no (he isn't starting the process), go ahead and take some steps and bring him updates of what you've found. Go to the bank, meet a mortgage person, and get information. Get a prequalification. Go online and start pulling up some houses that are a good option for you. Don't rush, but just move from step to step, filling him in about what you've learned and found. Ask his thoughts along the way.

 

And take the kids on that trip! Take them this summer, before the oldest goes off to college. Just you and the kids, if he doesn't want to go. What wonderful memories you will make

[Stillgrowing]

I agree with others here. Can you push it on one thing and see what he does? You may be suprised. My husband doesn't do the wait and see thing, but hates it when I go out. He wants me home, it's not a jealousy issue, he just likes me home. I decided a few years back that I'm in my 40's, kids are pretty self sufficient, he's with them so I go out. I stopped asking and started saying it. I'm not mean, but I state it in the same way he does when he goes out, "what do we have going on thurs? Nothing? I'm grabbing a drink with my girlfriends". There was hell to pay at first, he whined and stomped and was pissy to me and then he realized I wasn't going to stop and he's fine. He may joke about it, but I don't get as much retribution. Someone here said, "it's your life too". It really, really is. Live it. I'm living mine in a way that doesn't disrespect my marriage, but puts it out there that he's either on board or makes another decision. Go on the vacation with or without him. Your memories will be fabulous either way!

[findingnemo]

If you want to travel, make your own plans with your girlfriends or your kids. Your H may be the type who doesn't like travel and prefers to stay home. Let him. You do you thing. And if he complains, simply tell him your kids are grown now and it's time you enjoyed life. He'll either join you or let you do what you want.

[Danie]

I truly appreciate all of your thoughts and such.

 

As I’ve said I’m doing this now, where I don’t wait for him. I’ve been getting ready, he asks what going on I tell him I’m going xyz he’s welcome to come if he wants, he’s noncommittal…then as I’m pulling out of the driveway he’s flying out of the house and getting in the car with me. So it’s not like I’m literally sitting around waiting for him (anymore!).

 

I’ve been on vacations without him. Well, not a real vacation but traveling for work. I invite him all the time. I go shopping and go visiting my family/friends, go out with the girls sometimes…it’s not like I’m collecting dust in the corner…lol.

 

What I want is for him to be with me during these times. So we can make memories together. I’ve got so many memories of spectacular events, sights, feelings…and he’s not there, in my mind.

 

I want to stay married to this man but fear that we are heading down a dead end *unless* something changes. I can only effect real change in my own life and mind. How am I going to stay married to him if our desire are so different?

 

Weird thing is that we think a lot alike. We have very similar beliefs and values on just about everything. We are very compatible in almost every way possible. I don’t know if almost is going to keep cutting it for me…but I don’t want to give up on this marriage or on him.

[Ninja'sHusband]

 

I want to stay married to this man but fear that we are heading down a dead end *unless* something changes. I can only effect real change in my own life and mind. How am I going to stay married to him if our desire are so different?

 

PLEASE! Talk to your man ASAP before anymore resentment builds. Tell him exactly how you feel. Do it in a nice but serious tone. Let him know the relationship is in trouble. Give him a chance to fix it. *Don't Minimize it* or you might just get ignored.

 

My W finally brought me a list of serious issues in our M..and I responded well. Later I found out she had already been in an affair for 2 months.

 

Give your man a chance. 70% of divorces are initiated by the W with men feeling blindsided. I'm shocked and amazed at how many men are suddenly faced with D or finding out their W is in an affair and has no emotional connection to them because of issues the W failed to *effectively* communicate on.

 

I'm sure you've tried to tell him in various ways...but do it right this time. Make it loud and clear how serious this is, give him a chance. I bet he'd do backflips to keep you if he know what was coming.

 

He's not a mind reader no matter what "should already be obvious"

Edited March 21, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Danie]

PLEASE! Talk to your man ASAP before anymore resentment builds. Tell him exactly how you feel. Do it in a nice but serious tone. Let him know the relationship is in trouble. Give him a chance to fix it. *Don't Minimize it* or you might just get ignored.

 

My W finally brought me a list of serious issues in our M..and I responded well. Later I found out she had already been in an affair for 2 months.

 

Give your man a chance. 70% of divorces are initiated by the W with men feeling blindsided. I'm shocked and amazed at how many men are suddenly faced with D or finding out their W is in an affair and has no emotional connection to them because of issues the W failed to *effectively* communicate on.

 

I'm sure you've tried to tell him in various ways...but do it right this time. Make it loud and clear how serious this is, give him a chance. I bet he'd do backflips to keep you if he know what was coming.

 

He's not a mind reader no matter what "should already be obvious"

 

Believe me we've talked about all of this, to death. He has done (somewhat) done back flips to keep our M...but the new efforts haven't lasted much longer than a few months. I don't know how much clearer I can get with him. I've spelled it out and told him point blank.

 

His mom and dad are having problems right now. She's in her 60s and he's in his 70s. She is now traveling the country without him because he refuses to go. He's mad at her for leaving him alone. She's mad at him for not wanting to go with her. Granted at his age I can totally understand why he doesn't want to go traveling. I told my husband that I don't want to be in that situation when we get older. Isn't that pretty clear?

 

Our sexual issues. I've told him point blank that I want him to be more active and initiate sex with me more often. It happens for a while then we get back into the same old same.

 

How many chances does one get? How much clearer can I get? I just don't know....to truth be told I will not leave him right now. Our son needs him in his immediate life...not as a part-time every other week dad.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Have you tried MC?

 

Do you reject his sexual advances? My W finally came to me telling me that I wasn't initiating enough (while she was in an A ) My reason for stopping initiation...I got tired of being rejected!

 

I do agree with initiating travel plans or whatever yourself. You don't always have to rely on him to get the ball rolling. Discuss it with him though, don't want to put major things into action against his will.

 

Does he know you think his efforts wane after several months?

 

Another thing, when we were debating whether or not we were "ready" to have a kid I remember someone telling me, "You are never ready to have kids, you just have to do it". I agree. We actually decided to wait another year and got pregnant by accident ^^ Good accident

 

So probably you'll never be "ready" for all the things he's waiting to be ready for...or maybe you need a really concrete definition of what "ready" is so when you hit it, it's clear and it doesn't suddenly get redefined.

[findingnemo]

Danie, have you tried to look at things from his point of view? We are talking about interests. There are lots of people who find travel and adventure interesting and there many others who don't. Perhaps he is simply not the kind who thinks traveling is fun. And him saying you should wait for A, B and C may be because he learned a long time ago that saying "No" causes big problems for him. If this is the case, then accept him and his interests. Ask him what he'd like to do and figure out if you can attend one of his interests with him. After all, what you want is to do things together.

 

About sex... This one is a bit trickier. You have reached an age where it is said that women's libido peaks. Additionally, your kids are now quite independent which means you have less to worry about. Do you know that the less stressed you are, the more sex you want? Your H may be having the opposite effect. As much as we think men are always ready to go, it is just a myth. They too have periods of increased and decreased libido. Annoying, isn't it? Just when a woman is ready to get her freak on, her H's priorities shift.

 

A few things that might help. Figure out what he likes. Baseball games, football? Whatever it is and organize an outing based on that. Laugh with him, don't complain, be a fun person. His libido will surely wake up. Also become more affectionate with him. Tell him how sexy he you find him. Up the ante without actually telling him you need him to initiate. He will probably mirror your behaviour if you act like you're totally and utterly in love with him...just like when you first met. If you want romance, be the romantic one.

 

I hope that helps.

[Danie]

Have you tried MC?

 

Do you reject his sexual advances? My W finally came to me telling me that I wasn't initiating enough (while she was in an A ) My reason for stopping initiation...I got tired of being rejected!

 

I do agree with initiating travel plans or whatever yourself. You don't always have to rely on him to get the ball rolling. Discuss it with him though, don't want to put major things into action against his will.

 

Does he know you think his efforts wane after several months?

 

Another thing, when we were debating whether or not we were "ready" to have a kid I remember someone telling me, "You are never ready to have kids, you just have to do it". I agree. We actually decided to wait another year and got pregnant by accident ^^ Good accident

 

So probably you'll never be "ready" for all the things he's waiting to be ready for...or maybe you need a really concrete definition of what "ready" is so when you hit it, it's clear and it doesn't suddenly get redefined.

 

No MC. He refuses to go. He’s have bad experiences with MC in the past with his first wife. I don’t know the woman and she lives across the country from us. I believe what he’s told me about her and the totally dysfunctional relationship they had…and her crazy behavior. I believe because I think it’s plain nuts for her to call me at my work to ask me if I wanted her to stop contacting him.

 

I never have rejected him except when he was involved in his second affair. Then I could hardly look at him. I don’t know if he understands that his efforts drop off after a few months. I don’t recall ever actually saying that to him. I will talk to him about this tho.

 

That’s what I think about being ‘ready’ for things…how are we ever going to really know unless we try? Unless we do it? Otherwise it’s a whole lot of time wasted . I like the idea of defining our own definition of what ‘ready’ means to us. That’s another thing he and I can talk about.

 

I’m sorry that your wife had an affair. That’s a horrible experience. Please understand that I have no interest in being in an affair. I don’t want that in my life.

[Danie]

That would bother me too.

 

I'd say, since you're staying (at least for now) and your previous attempts at communication haven't yielded the results you were hoping for, that it's time to focus on you.

 

Explore new things. Find out what makes you happy. Quit worrying about what he will or won't do. Him changing has to come from within himself. He's not dumb. He sees you taking care of yourself and he knows inside that he needs to take heed to the words you've given him.

 

I'm not saying that you should stop talking to him or trying to fix these issues. Not at all. But I think you should approach them again after you've done more for yourself. Take the kids on the vacation. Look into buying a house. Take care of yourself.

 

I say this because some of the things that might be really important to you now, may not be so much after you start doing more on your own. Then you can focus on the areas that MUST change in order to remain in the marriage.

 

This is what I have done over the last 5 yrs. After his affair, after he came back home…I was a bit shell shocked still. I decided that I wanted to be happy so I started down that path. For me to be happy I needed to focus on me, to learn more about me and such. How to take care of myself and not lose myself in the labels ever again. I almost feel like I rediscovered me in this process.

 

Now it’s time for me to dive deeper into understanding our marriage.

[Danie]

Not to be harsh but you sound more like a whiny adolescent than an adult.

 

This isn't about your husband but about you. The only thing stopping you from fulfilling your expecttions is yourself. You've weighed the consequences of being more proactive and independent but have opted for the security of your present situation. Your husband isn't going to change at 50 so exactly what do you want anyone to advise?

 

It's 100% your decision...not that of your husband. At 40 you are hiding behind your marriage as an excuse not to take charge of your own life. Make your own life or stop complaining. You aren't 18 years old.

 

No worries. I’m a big girl and can take the harshness (which you’re not harsh, btw).

 

I know it’s about me. But I share my life with him. So it has to be about him too. Whatever I do will impact his life greatly.

 

To understand my husband a bit better it will help you to know that he has been insanely jealous in the past. He’s been controlling…or at least has tried to be. He’s a bit of a narcissist, but that’s the outside him…the inner him is a marshmallow, all gooey and lovey and scared as hell.

 

Bottom line I want to stay married to him. If I truly became this totally independent woman, with no concern for him in planning my life and activities…well, we’d end up divorced in a fairly short time. That’s not what I want. So I hold on and try to understand and try to effect change…without demanding him to change who he is *for* me. That’s not right either.

[xxoo]

Bottom line I want to stay married to him. If I truly became this totally independent woman, with no concern for him in planning my life and activities…well, we’d end up divorced in a fairly short time. That’s not what I want. So I hold on and try to understand and try to effect change…without demanding him to change who he is *for* me. That’s not right either.

 

You may have to decide what you really want: to stay married, or to live the life you want to live. These two choices may be irreconcilable.

 

At your age, and with nearly grown kids, it is definitely time to rock the boat. You've been living life his way for a long time. Time to reset the balance. It sounds like he doesn't want a balanced marriage. Well, you needn't tolerate anything but a balanced marriage.

 

Be you. Be kind and loving, but also be your authentic self and make your goals a priority in your life. If he doesn't want to be with the TRUE you, what is the point?

[Danie]

Danie, have you tried to look at things from his point of view? We are talking about interests. There are lots of people who find travel and adventure interesting and there many others who don't. Perhaps he is simply not the kind who thinks traveling is fun. And him saying you should wait for A, B and C may be because he learned a long time ago that saying "No" causes big problems for him. If this is the case, then accept him and his interests. Ask him what he'd like to do and figure out if you can attend one of his interests with him. After all, what you want is to do things together.

 

About sex... This one is a bit trickier. You have reached an age where it is said that women's libido peaks. Additionally, your kids are now quite independent which means you have less to worry about. Do you know that the less stressed you are, the more sex you want? Your H may be having the opposite effect. As much as we think men are always ready to go, it is just a myth. They too have periods of increased and decreased libido. Annoying, isn't it? Just when a woman is ready to get her freak on, her H's priorities shift.

 

A few things that might help. Figure out what he likes. Baseball games, football? Whatever it is and organize an outing based on that. Laugh with him, don't complain, be a fun person. His libido will surely wake up. Also become more affectionate with him. Tell him how sexy he you find him. Up the ante without actually telling him you need him to initiate. He will probably mirror your behaviour if you act like you're totally and utterly in love with him...just like when you first met. If you want romance, be the romantic one.

 

I hope that helps.

 

He doesn’t want to travel because he’s done all his traveling already. He’s 10 yrs older than me, when we met I was 21 and he’d already been to many places all over the US and even to other countries. He sometimes thinks I’m mad at him for traveling before he met me. That’s just stupid. I’m not mad at him for that…I’m disappointed that he doesn’t sometimes put my desires before his own. Now that does sound bad, doesn’t it?

 

He doesn’t thing traveling is fun. But he also doesn’t want me to travel…it seems…but unless he says this to me I can only guess. I don’t read minds any better than he does.

 

Our kids are older but the 3 yo grandchild is quite demanding still. Our daughter is going thru some issues and is in therapy. Our son is, well his a 15 yo boy rebelling against his homework…their all very good kids and I have to thank my husband for being a great dad to them. Together we have a beautiful family.

 

What he likes is to stay home. I’m the one who likes football. He doesn’t like sports at all. He likes cars and shopping on ebay. His bday is coming up and I’m saving money to buy him a new flat-bottom boat. He likes to fish with the kids. I go with but don’t like to fish so I either read, harvest, or draw.

 

Affection, laughter, loving,…all of this is what we have….I’m a light hearted person…I’m way too soft (sometimes) and quite trusting…the thing is that I’ve been the romantic one for so long now…and I want him to be the romantic one, too.

 

I heard of this book called ‘the five love languages’ and am wondering if anyone has experience with this book? Did it work well for you? Any draw backs?

[Danie]

Yes you are a big girls but not mature. Your reasons for not tasking charge of your life now include your husband, children. grandchildren, parents...any othe excuses to bring out ?

 

You are a prisoner of your own making.

 

Yea, maybe so. But it is my choice to live my life the way I see fit. So that's what I'm doing. I choose to be in this marriage because I love this man and I love my family. I don't like everything about my situation but want to find ways to make this better for me so we can be better together.

[maybealone]

He doesn’t want to travel because he’s done all his traveling already. He’s 10 yrs older than me, when we met I was 21 and he’d already been to many places all over the US and even to other countries.

 

Unless he did all that traveling by himself, he sucked it up and went for someone even though he doesn't think traveling is fun. I would be hurt if he couldn't suck it up and travel with me once in a while.

 

At your age, and with nearly grown kids, it is definitely time to rock the boat. You've been living life his way for a long time. Time to reset the balance. It sounds like he doesn't want a balanced marriage. Well, you needn't tolerate anything but a balanced marriage.

 

I agree. A lot of people here say you can still travel with friends or alone or with your kids, and of course that's true. But if you are like me, you didn't get married to do stuff with friends or do stuff alone.

 

To me, it's not about you not wanting to change him or you being willing to change yourself, it's about finding some sort of compromise. The fishing is a good example -- you don't enjoy fishing but you go and make an enjoyable day out of it. He might not enjoy traveling but there must be some way he could make the best of a trip.

[beenburned]

Danie,

My H and I rarely see eye to eye on anything.(vacations, eating out, purchases, recreation, etc.)

 

When the kids were growing up, I always gave in to whatever he wanted to do or not do.

 

I don't anymore!

 

Not to alarm you, but several things have happened in the last several years, that completely changed the way I now live ,and look at life.

 

I had a minor surgery done, and during the operation I had a light heart attack.(never had any problems before)

 

Just this year, 3 neighbors of mine all lost their H's to unexpected sudden deaths. All 3 of the H's were in their 50's!

 

My kids are now grown and I have grandkids.

 

I now go on several trips a year, mostly with the kids/grandkids. I love all the memories we are making.

 

My H and I only take one vacation a year together, as he likes to stay home and work on projects here.(he is a workaholic and rarely relaxes)

 

I also visit my extended family more, who live back in my hometown.

 

I also plan everyday to do something I really enjoy, whether small or large.

 

I have really learned to live in the moment, since you never know when you might die.

[Danie]

Seriously, there’s a lot he does for me out of love and his sense of ‘loving’ me. Acts of service, I guess is what you would call his loving style. Every morning in the winter he starts my car and brushes off the snow. If he goes to the store on a weekend morning he’ll being me back a cappuccino, even tho he doesn’t drink coffee. He makes sure the house is warm (we heat with wood so it’s a lot of work). If I’m going on a trip he’ll check the car’s safety before I go. But are these things considered compromise?

 

We pretty much share all the responsibilities of home and family. I do the major share of child care, we share the cooking, I do the majority of the interior house work he does the majority of the outdoor house work. But is this compromise?

 

I hope you all can see how this seems so weird to me for feelings so out of sorts with him. I mean I know I have a great life with him and I know he does a lot for me and the kids. But…yea, there’s always a but…

[findingnemo]

Seriously, there’s a lot he does for me out of love and his sense of ‘loving’ me. Acts of service, I guess is what you would call his loving style. Every morning in the winter he starts my car and brushes off the snow. If he goes to the store on a weekend morning he’ll being me back a cappuccino, even tho he doesn’t drink coffee. He makes sure the house is warm (we heat with wood so it’s a lot of work). If I’m going on a trip he’ll check the car’s safety before I go. But are these things considered compromise?

 

We pretty much share all the responsibilities of home and family. I do the major share of child care, we share the cooking, I do the majority of the interior house work he does the majority of the outdoor house work. But is this compromise?

 

I hope you all can see how this seems so weird to me for feelings so out of sorts with him. I mean I know I have a great life with him and I know he does a lot for me and the kids. But…yea, there’s always a but…

 

Sometimes, Danie, one has to accept facts about people. Your H sounds very caring and considerate of you. You should get the book about love languages. It sounds like he shows you love through acts of service (doing practical things for you). You may have another language altogether. Thus the initiating sex incompatibility. I don't know...I'm just saying that your search for a solution may need some serious research in order to understand how he expresses love and how it differs from your expression.

 

I wouldn't say you're incompatible. You seem like a good team. Try to get him to agree to just ONE trip with you per year. He may enjoy himself and start looking forward to them.

[xxoo]

Lots of couple have interests that aren't shared, and do their own thing happily. They make time for those interests, just as they make time for each other. They find balance and support each other.

 

Wanting him to go along and make memories with you--that is an excuse not to go alone. You can make memories doing the things you mutually enjoy together. You don't need him to participate in travel to enjoy it yourself.

 

The problem is that he doesn't support you doing the things you'd like to do. That's the part to discuss with him, and maybe with an individual counselor if you can not get him to join you in MC.

 

No matter how sweet and doting he is, you should not live in fear of asserting yourself in your marriage. All that sweetness is surface, and relatively worthless, if he only loves a submissive version of you.

[Tayla]

danie, you sound like a wonderful wife with real concerns that deserve being acknowledged as realistic. Your actions to change things and be your own person are admirable. I sincerely can see you are striving for a better marriage thru small changes done thru new behaviors that are meant for the good of you both. We learn more from behavior and actions then words. Men get that...all the reasoning and "talking" may not work....but those little changes of getting out....creating new activities that are "safe" within a marital relations...is something that is attributing and getting his attention. Keep up the goodness in your efforts.... I get where your heart is ...May your husband share that some day.