My Story of Lust, Abuse, unbelievable but true PART 2

[Itsonlyme66]

Christmas came and went. Great holiday. No, he wouldn't help put up the tree. Not his thing. But I baked, decorated, had a grand old time. Seemed his ex-wife had cooled down a bit. I knew she still called, begged, pleaded, cried, but I figured it was her issue. Because, after all, he had "given her closure" up in GA, right? Tho, something inside my head said, "be careful." I did not listen.

 

Fast forward now... remember this is a 6 year relationship living together.

 

We had our good days, our bad, and our "normal".

 

He decided to quit his $60K a year job at the dealership as a finance man. The hours sucked. He wanted to be home with me more.

 

He left.

 

He tried every job in these 6 years inbetween. From pest control to linen supplies, he did it. He left them all. This man was never fired.

 

Jack was very rough in bed. It turned me on. I liked when he "spanked" me. I thought it was playful fun. I would call him "daddy"...sometimes. We would plan a "party night" where we would drink and have fun in the bedroom together. There were many a night over 6 years of hotel weekend getaways, nights at home having mind-blowing sex. There was a sex swing. There were pictures (in my computer only) - there was a lot of bondage, CONTROL. I thought it was all in fun. I told him I was submissive in the bedroom. Then, one time when he hurt me - he pulled my hair too hard or tugged at a body part too hard, I said "stop".

His response? I don't care what you say. Shut up.

 

I ignored my instincts because I knew he was a "man's man". I loved him at this point. I was "in". I was "done".

One night (this is actually before we moved in together) I was at his place. He wanted anal. I let him "try". At one point it hurt. I said "stop, this hurts me." He refused. He bore down on me, all 250 lbs to my 115. I could say I was raped, but was I? This confuses me to this very day. All I knew is I was angry at him for a few days. I ignored him and he apologized and said, "come on baby that didn't hurt." I was bleeding for 2 days.

 

I forgave and overlooked. As you might have guessed at this point, I am co-dependent.

 

To backslide a bit, when we met I told him I would be open to trying a 3-some.

mistake. Big mistake.

And I take the blame. After all, when we met, I wanted "excitement" so I said sure, I would be open to it.

Well. My co-worker (at the time) Robyn just had quit her job. So I said hey come out with us. She was a mousy-brown haired girl with glasses but a decent body and frankly, I liked her as a friend and acquaintance and knew she "partied".

We went out. Great time. She came home with us. Jack had brought his car dealer friend along.

The car guy went home. Robyn was smashed and stayed at Jack's condo with him and me.

At about 1:00AM, Jack wakes me. He wants to fool around.

I chickened out. When the time came to walk the walk, I was not into it. I backed out. I went into the spare room to sleep. Jack on the other hand, was not quitting that easily.

I heard the headboard banging from the other room. I walked into the main bedroom to find Jack banging her (missionary style) as she moaned, half conscious (drunk again, I add).

He wanted me to join in. I couldn't. I was angry that he didn't consider my feelings and stop.

I went back into the other room to sleep and Robyn eventually came in there with me. Jack thought this was great stuff. We didn't do anything but sleep.

 

The next morning, around 10:00AM, Jack was already downstairs (hiding). Robyn and I talked upstairs for over 1/2 hour. She didn't like Jack. I told her what happened and that I couldn't do it and she said, simply, "he's an *******. You can do better."

 

I said, no it's my fault. I led him on to think I could do it. Basically she left giving him a few dirty looks and cya's, and then after she was gone, Jack was on his knees how sorry he was, and he loved me to bits.

 

I forgave, all the while feeling as though I let him down, and we went on with life.

 

We re-wallpapered the condo to sell it. He mentioned what a great partner I was, that he and his ex-wife could never wallpaper together because they were a poor team but he and I were great together. I had gotten my hand wet and accidentally stuck my hand in a light socket, causing a shock. It surprised and hurt me. I cried and he laughed saying, "oh, come on!"

 

Red flags abound.

 

Part 3 coming.

[Forever Learning]

Hello!

 

I know a bit of how you are feeling.

 

I spent 16 years with a man who has a Personality Disorder, similar to your man.

 

You will want to educate yourself on Cluster B Personality Disorders. The man I was with has Narcississtic Personality Disorder and is a Psychopath. I believe your man is a Psychopath as well.

 

Education is one step in the process of healing, moving on, and feeling good again. There are many steps. It takes time.

 

You will also benefit from joining a women's abuse support group. Find one near you. You need to talk about your experience with others who understand.

 

You could benefit from being on anti-depressants if you feel you are depressed. Be sure to take a multi-vitamin, along with extra B-vitamins, to help your mood. If you can see a private counselor or therapist, that may help you as well.

 

Here is a link you can begin at, to begin the education process for yourself, it is about surviving life after living with a Narcissist or Psychopath:

 

[COLOR=#660000]Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott[/COLOR]

 

Here's a link on love addiction. You have this, by the way.

 

[COLOR=#660000]Love Addicts Anonymous[/COLOR]

 

Read every day, all you can, around here and elsewhere. In time you will realize the things you need to do to be free and be happy. God bless you.