My Story of Lust, Abuse, unbelievable but true PART 4

[Itsonlyme66]

I was growing very tired.

 

It wasn't the fun relationship I thought it would be. My "protector" was turning against me.... turning into a tormentor.

 

There were times he would start things with me for a reaction, which he always got from me. I would cry. He would literally "cry" with me and mock me.

 

One time he angered me so much I was standing in front of him while he was sitting on the couch. He begged me to slap him. He didn't have to ask twice. I slapped his face and he laughed. Come on! You can do better than that! Hit me again! I love this! I was crying and hit him again. Again! he said. The next day I had bruises on my palm and he told me I was the abuser.

 

You have to understand that inbetween, we were "normal" as normal people go. Dinners together, playing poker with mutual friends and helping each other around the house. He did his share. He sometimes cooked. He kept the yard up. We would read the sunday paper in the backyard on the deck. We would plan little weekend trips. We were like a married couple, and it seemed we would go through periods of "normalcy".

 

But other times, reality hit me in the face, literally.

we had a "party saturday night." We had a few drinks, turned on the music in the house, and had sex. He never called it making love. He pulled my hair almost out of my head. He slapped my face. I began to cry and said stop it's not fun anymore this is out of control. He didn't stop, and the next morning I had a black eye. I showed it to him and he was astounded! He said "omg baby I am so sorry! I don't even remember doing it!" By the second day he said "it's a little better, it's not that bad, come on you liked it."

 

By this point, what I thought was just a little rough housing in the bedroom turned into something I did not want. There were no boundaries, no safe word. He said it was all or nothing. I chose nothing. I finally stood my ground.

In the months to follow we still had sex, but maybe only 2x a month. He was always concerned with MONEY and his CAREER and he was always tired. He seemed bored and irritable.

 

His ex-wife, thankfully, had found a new man and was long gone. But before she had, she found out that Jack and I were talking after a break-up. (I did not know he was LIVING in her apt again and paying her rent money while I struggled to pay all the bills in our home.) - She showed up at the restaurant where we were, and he ducked into the men's room with a guilty smile on his face after introducing us. He hid in there for 15 min. She left before he came back out. At that point, he was moving back in with me, so she let it go. I think she had finally had enough.)

 

Jack was unlike anyone I had ever met, good or bad.

He wanted to be dominant to a fault. He wanted to set rules for our house. He didn't like that I smoked cigarettes but I smoked before I met him so that was no news flash. He didn't like things about me that were present when he was "so" in love with me.

 

He was finding a lot of fault with me.

 

Here is where the story pages turn.

I began to drink. Heavily.

I admit it. I was trying to cope. To keep quiet, to keep him happy. He began to complain about my drinking.

 

Please understand, I was NOT a violent drunk. I did not stir crap up to argue about. On the contrary, it kept me functioning with dinners, laundry, the house, etc. and kept me pretty quiet and agreeable. But if HE would start something up, I would no longer keep silent. I would call a spade a spade.

And that, did not go over well with Jack.

 

Suddenly, he was pointing the finger at me as a drunk and an abuser.

I was a "functioning" drunk. I didn't slur my words. I did not stumble when walking. I wasn't a sloppy drinker. I kept my head and wits about me at all times. But without it, I was having panic attacks and anxiety; something I had never felt before.

 

He insisted I stop drinking. I tried, but then I thought, NO I am not letting him control THIS part of me too. I knew darn well it wasn't abusive because I never spoke up to him. I kept quiet and was very pleasant with him always. He continued to start problems, stir stuff up, and we would have disagreements. I would call if he walked out. Sometimes I called and left over 20 voice mails. He finally said, "I don't listen to any of them. I delete them all right away so don't bother."

 

I was invalidated. He even said, "I don't give a "f*ck" for your feelings. I don't care!!!!!!"

 

Yet he didn't leave.

 

I finally said, we need counseling. Please come.

He did.

He showed up in a separate car and met me there.

He walked in, sized up the counselor. Sat down and said, "You don't know me and you can't judge me. This is useless."

The counselor said, "Do you love her" at one point.

Jack said, "No, I do not."

The counselor said would you like to leave?

Jack said, "Yes I would."

Jack was told to go and pack his things within an hour, and the counselor would keep me there. We all agreed as I sat there in tears.

The counselor told me the problem was not me, it was Jack. He explained that I was co-dependent. I agreed. I knew that about myself. He said Jack was probably Narcissistic and/or Bipolar and the mix was lethal.

 

I went home 1 hour later to find Jack sitting in the recliner eating a ham sandwich and playing online poker. I said I thought you were leaving? He said, "I changed my mind."

 

So life went on.

We did not see the counselor again.

Internally, I was relieved that "the love of my life" was still there.

[Forever Learning]

Hello!

 

I know a bit of how you are feeling.

 

I spent 16 years with a man who has a Personality Disorder, similar to your man.

 

You will want to educate yourself on Cluster B Personality Disorders. The man I was with has Narcississtic Personality Disorder and is a Psychopath.

 

I believe your man is a Psychopath as well.

 

Education is one step in the process of healing, moving on, and feeling good again. There are many steps. It takes time.

 

You will also benefit from joining a women's abuse support group. Find one near you. You need to talk about your experience with others who understand.

 

You could benefit from being on anti-depressants if you feel you are depressed. Be sure to take a multi-vitamin, along with extra B-vitamins, to help your mood. If you can see a private counselor or therapist, that may help you as well.

 

Here is a link you can begin at, to begin the education process for yourself, it is about surviving life after living with a Narcissist or Psychopath:

 

[COLOR=#660000]Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott[/COLOR]

 

Here's a link on love addiction. You are a Love Addict, by the way. Probably a Sex Addict as well, along with being Co-Dependant. Don't feel bad about it, just get educated and start to heal.

 

[COLOR=#660000]Love Addicts Anonymous[/COLOR]

 

Read every day, all you can, around here and elsewhere. In time you will realize the things you need to do to be free and be happy. God bless you.