My Story of Lust, Abuse, unbelievable but true EPILOGUE

[Itsonlyme66]

So it's over.

 

He did write and stated he will never forget my "rages".

 

It's funny to me, he forgot all HIS rages.

 

He said he is looking forward to his "future" and detailed his rank at his new job at the car place, that he's joined a gym, that he is going to FILL his savings account safety deposit box with money!

 

I voice mailed him and calmly asked, "If I am not included in your life, why are you telling me all this?"

 

He emailed back that he was "trying to be nice" but "as usual" I took it the wrong way.

 

He said I would find someone else and be fine.

 

Then he said, If you want to talk to me, call me and I will try to answer, but please, lay off the voice mails. I will talk to you if you have to have the last word or need some sort of closure, but I refuse to discuss it any further.

 

That's a contradiction in terms.

 

I have not called.

I have not emailed or texted.

I have not barely breathed.

 

I am going on with my life.

 

It just cuts to the core that someone who cried in my arms about missing his mother (she died 7 years ago)... who never had a dad (he died when Jack was 2) could just "move on".

 

Jack grew up with no supervision. He often said he remembered his older siblings (6 of them!) literally putting him ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE when he was 1 or 2 for HOURS so they could have parties.... he has a fear of heights to this day, and his mother was rarely there, as they had to move to sub-standard housing up in the northeast after his father died and she worked 2 jobs to keep a roof over his head.

 

He saw crime, stole car batteries at the age of 12. Saw pimps beating up prostitutes, saw drunks piss themselves.

 

He saw it all.

 

I'm sure this made him the way he is, but i cannot get through to him that I love him fiercely and that there is a better way out of this.

 

Jack runs. He keeps running. His own son said, "My dad will die alone."

 

I believe it.

Please respond. I put a lot on here and if you got this far, Bless you! But I need words. I need a voice of encouragement. I don't know what to do.

I do not want anyone else. I love Jack with all his faults. and perhaps that is because of my co-dependency, but I do not want to leave it like this.

Not this way.

And I also do not want to call or text him.

help!!!!

 

p.s.

When it was good, it was GRAND. When it was bad, it was horrid.

but the love, on my end, never stopped.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, good luck. Like I said, go no contact, and don't ever respond if he tries it with you.

(What comes after 'epilogue'...? 'Index'?)

[Itsonlyme66]

I can do without the sarcasm, really.

 

Obviously this is not the right forum to purge. I needed another more private outlet, I guess, like Microsoft Word.

 

I just thought someone could help me get through this.

[TaraMaiden]

Look:

honestly, when i saw 6 separate threads?

I immediately thought 'troll'.

I did.

we've been flooded - and i mean absolutely inundated tsunami-style, with them for the past 3 weeks or so.....

And you wouldn't believe some of the tricks they've pulled....

 

I tried to explain:

the whole works is not necessary.

6-year relationship, steamrollered you with really dreadful behaviour, and was emotionally abusive.

It's over.

 

the problem with raking everything up is that all you do, is rip the stitches out.

it might have been cathartic.... do you feel better for getting it all down in writing?

[Itsonlyme66]

I feel exhausted. defeated. almost suicidal though i would never do that because i know i have too many people depending on me.

 

i just feel duped. and i feel guilty! I feel I failed this!!!!!!

 

i can't think straight.

[TaraMaiden]

first off, i think you need to investigate legally whether you should be paying his mortgage, and why.

 

That's frankly outrageous....

you need to focus, because this is over, and you're a mum - so you need your wits about you - you're no good to anyone if you fall apart....

 

focus on what is within your power, and what is beyond your control....

 

and my guess is you could do with a good night's sleep.

[BewitchedandBothered]

first off, i think you need to investigate legally whether you should be paying his mortgage, and why.

 

That's frankly outrageous....

you need to focus, because this is over, and you're a mum - so you need your wits about you - you're no good to anyone if you fall apart....

 

focus on what is within your power, and what is beyond your control....

 

and my guess is you could do with a good night's sleep.

 

If you are suicidal, get help asap; I can't recall in that novel if you said you have children. If you do, you need to be stable for them; they are the priority, not this douche nozzle you are talking about.

 

Agreed about the good night's sleep. We tend to worry and mentally exhaust ourselves that a good sleep can put you right again.

[Itsonlyme66]

No... no worries.

No knocking myself off here.

sometimes the sadness and black hole of what this has become is so consuming. It's a trait of co-dependents, I guess.

 

I'm sleeping at night. It's the mornings. I wake up with anxiety as soon as I am conscious. It's horrid.

 

I miss him. Every day I think "another day with no resolution" and "another day without talking to him and getting this closure, or straightening out...."

 

It's senseless and it hurts ... a lot.

 

And again guys I am sorry for the novel. (No INDEX, haha).

but I had to purge it. And every syllable happened.

[BewitchedandBothered]

No... no worries.

No knocking myself off here.

sometimes the sadness and black hole of what this has become is so consuming. It's a trait of co-dependents, I guess.

 

I'm sleeping at night. It's the mornings. I wake up with anxiety as soon as I am conscious. It's horrid.

 

I miss him. Every day I think "another day with no resolution" and "another day without talking to him and getting this closure, or straightening out...."

 

It's senseless and it hurts ... a lot.

 

And again guys I am sorry for the novel. (No INDEX, haha).

but I had to purge it. And every syllable happened.

 

Hey, it does help to get it out. Do you love yourself? Because that is who we lay down with at night and face the day with. That is the person who is responsible for happiness. if you expect that from others, you will be disappointed. Make sure you are caring for your health, too.

[Forever Learning]

 

Please respond.

 

I need words. I need a voice of encouragement. I don't know what to do.

 

help!!!!

 

 

Hello!

 

I did not get a chance to read your other threads yet, only this one.

 

I will try to read the others when I get a chance.

 

But even having just read this thread, I know a bit of how you are feeling.

 

I spent 16 years with a man who a Personality Disorder. You will want to educate yourself on Cluster B Personality Disorders. The man I was with has Narcississtic Personality Disorder and is a Psychopath.

Education is one step in the process of healing, moving on, and feeling good again. There are many steps. It takes time.

 

You will also benefit from joining a women's abuse support group. Find one near you. You need to talk about your experience with others who understand.

 

You could benefit from being on anti-depressants if you feel you are depressed. Be sure to take a multi-vitamin, along with extra B-vitamins, to help your mood. If you can see a private counselor or therapist, that may help you as well.

 

Here is a link you can begin at, to begin the education process for yourself, it is about surviving life after living with a Narcissist or Psychopath:

 

Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott

 

Here's a link on love addiction. You are a Love Addict, by the way. Probably a Sex Addict as well, along with being Co-Dependant. Don't feel bad about it, just get educated and start to heal.

 

Love Addicts Anonymous

 

Read every day, all you can, around here and elsewhere. In time you will realize the things you need to do to be free and be happy. God bless you.

Edited March 22, 2012 by Forever Learning

[Itsonlyme66]

Thank you to all.

I will look into the B vitamins.

I have surfed the net on all cluster B personality disorders.

 

I didn't want to believe Jack had one.

There were times, months, he could be so "normal".

 

I really felt I ruined it.

 

Jack blames me for his situation now; the fact that he gave up his condo, has no belongings, etc.

 

One time a few months ago we were sitting in the living room and he was looking around. I said, what?

He said, "What here is mine?"

I said what do you mean?

He said, "If I leave, what is mine to take? I own nothing here!"

 

It really bothered him but he brought nothing in. I said it was "ours" but he didn't like that answer.

 

I am thinking of finding a local women's support group.

My few friends I have left do not understand.

Nobody (including myself in my Pre-Jack days, had any knowledge of conception of dealing with someone like this.

 

I feel crazy, lost, discarded, and thinking that the past 6 years were completely different for me than they were for Jack. And that thought paralyzes me.

[Itsonlyme66]

I was just remembering how, when I would try to discuss something with him he didn't want to discuss, he would say, "you have 2 minutes!" and point at the clock.

He would literally stare at it and count down..... 1 minute! ....30 seconds!

it was awful!

It was maddening.

 

Other times when I wouldn't shut up, he would dangle his car keys in front of me and say, "ONE MORE WORD AND I AM LEAVING!!!!!!"

If I said so much as "Jesus..." under my breath, he would stomp out with his workboots and harley t-shirt on and not come home or answer the phone for hours.

 

Who could live like that?

No wonder I'm a mess.

 

Other times I would cry and he would whistle and walk around cheerfully.

He hugged the side of the bed facing away from me all night when he was mad.

 

If I was "good" and easy, he would rub my back as I slept.

 

It was the most maddening relationship.

I am so pissed because I tried SO DAMN HARD to make this work for SIX YEARS of my life and I don't get so much as a decent send off.

 

After he left, he proclaimed, "I asked you 10 times to calm down and talk respectfully and with composure, but you weren't in the mood." (I was screaming and throwing his crap on the lawn...)

 

All I could think when he said that was, Why wouldn't you be respectful and composed with me BEFORE you decided to leave????

[CopingGal]

Itsonlyme66, you did come to the right place, my dear. You take as many screens as you want to take to tell your story. And you do not have to apologize for anything.

 

I usually don't read very long stories, but I read your story. Hmmm, sounds like a volatile relationship...passionate, sexy, exciting, but also painful and abusive. I think this person is unstable. I think he is unhealthy. I know what it's like to make excuses for a very insensitive man for years...for years and in the end, get treated like dirt. I think you should stay away from him. He is VERY narcissitic. I am sorry you are in this pain. It's best to go on with your own life. I think I was co-dependent in my relationship too. I allowed myself to be used and abused, but I didn't realize it because I was too busy making excuses for him.

 

You can PM if you want to as well. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Itsonlyme66]

When i think back, there's so many things that happened...

 

it was never boring... except, when it was, because he would get into these moods where he would sit on the couch and just play online poker but not really be paying attention. his eyes and mind would drift off and he would stare at nothing sometimes. He would gaze out the window standing hands in pockets. He would sit on the edge of the bed after an argument or disagreement and just slump looking out the back doors.

 

I couldn't resolve things by talking with him because he could outtalk me, and when he couldn't do that, he would resort to being verbally abusive.

 

I knew for sure it was abuse when, last month before he left, we had a small disagreement and he blew it up, almost immediately saying "F U C*nt" to me. I KNEW that I had not done anything to deserve that.

 

And when he told me he didn't love me? He said it without any emotion, like he was discussing with me the possibility of rain that day. I wondered how long he hadn't "loved" me. i figure he never did at all. It was infatuation, lust, something, but not real love.

 

He went from someone I slept hugging every night in the beginning, to someone who didn't like to be touched (very ticklish). If he was sleeping and I went to gently wake him, he would be so unpredictable he could come out of the sleep swinging at me. He was just always jumpy and you had to be careful when waking him, because he would always startle.

 

He envied my relationship with my mother. She lives across the street from me. She and dad have helped me financially in the past. Jack didn't like that because he never had the benefit of being able to call someone for help and he used to tell me "you'll be fine; you have your mother." I don't think it's fair that he should run out and leave me holding all the bills just because i have an 88 year old mom. He said oh well. I got the house in my name only - not the obligation of having it. Get my name off it then. (There is nobody to put the name INTO.) But the point is, he never felt like it was "our" home.

 

When he could get it, he smoked pot. When he was high, he was a different person! Funny, big ideas, animated, and "on". More relaxed too...in a good way. When he would run out, I would feel anxious. I didn't smoke it, but i didn't mind that he did because it made him more relaxed and nicer.

 

He had 2 sons. They are in their late 20's now. First son came to live with us for a couple of years rent free. So I definitely took his family to heart, you know? I was there for Jack in many ways, and his family too.

The other son told me a story once about how he got caught smoking cigarettes with his friends after school. Jack was standing in his garage back then, door open, and saw him walking by with his group of friends. He called his son up to the garage, and beat him with a belt in front of his friends. He wanted to make sure the kid never smoked again. This was when the kid was in high school.

 

Jack had a red vette. It was his pride and joy. he is big into motorcycles (harleys) and he likes to party. When I tell Jack you'll never grow up, he agrees.

 

It's hard. I see a pained child within him. I see potential. I see what masks for love at times in Jack. Then I realize, I'm not qualified to make things better, and he won't even discuss the real issues.

 

Besides, he's gone.

[BewitchedandBothered]

ItsOnlyMe, it seems that we see things very clearly in hindsight and is disheartening you had to go through years of that stuff. I wonder if the 'making up' part was always nice, hence your giving him chances. So easy to forgive when they are all loving and sweet again. But they turn within minutes. I am so glad you are out of this thing. 6 years isn't anything in the grand scheme. You have lots of time to heal for YOU. I have found that exercise is a huge help. If you can get to the gym,do so.

 

Whatever you do, do it away from him. This is your time to heal, talk to friends, talk it out on here.

[Forever Learning]

Thank you to all.

 

You're welcome, dear lady! Do you realize you are victim of abuse and now, a survivor of abuse? You are stronger than you know, and will get stronger over time. Eventually strong enough to help others who have gone through similar situations. It may even be your eventual purpose in life. How you like them apples?

 

 

I will look into the B vitamins.

 

B vitamins are helpful, but not the Holy Grail of cure-alls. Every little bit helps in balancing your moods and emotions, and healing.

 

I have surfed the net on all cluster B personality disorders.

 

Good. Learning is helpful. Remember, there is no cure for these disorders. THEY ARE PERMANENT!

 

 

I didn't want to believe Jack had one.

 

No one wants to believe it about someone they love.

 

There were times, months, he could be so "normal".

 

Yup.

 

I really felt I ruined it.

 

Nope.

 

Jack blames me for his situation now; the fact that he gave up his condo, has no belongings, etc.

 

All they do is blame. They RARELY EVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES. Learn this concept, remember it. It's for real.

 

I am thinking of finding a local women's support group.

 

DON'T JUST THINK, DO IT! You MUST!

 

See the link at the top of this section for finding groups. Or google it. Or look in the yellow pages. Or call a women's shelter. Or call the United Way hotline. Or call AA or any other 12 step group for guidance. There are likely love and sex addicts 12 step groups near you are well. But first and foremost, go to a WOMEN's Abuse support group.

 

It will takes months even years for you to heal. Good news: you will never fall victim again. You will be enlightened. You will enlighten and support others eventually, too. And you will enjoy doing so.

 

My few friends I have left do not understand.

 

It is amazing you have any friends left. After 16 years, I had one friend left, she was with a Psychopath as well. She lucked out, he croaked.

 

Nobody (including myself in my Pre-Jack days, had any knowledge of conception of dealing with someone like this.

 

Yup. Most people don't know anything about it.

 

I feel crazy, lost, discarded, and thinking that the past 6 years were completely different for me than they were for Jack.

 

Yup. They were completely different. You and he are two different types of humans. He's not really human, they way you are. He lacks empathy, among other things. You can't fix him, but you can help yourself heal. Do so. Starting today. Find a support group. And go, and go, and go some more. If you don't like the group, find another. You must talk this out with other women, over a long period of time. And not just here. In other, more supportive environments.

 

And that thought paralyzes me.

 

There are complex brain chemicals at work here that provoke feelings of panic and paralysis in you. Dopamine, Seratonin, a whole slew of chemicals in your brain are out of wack, due to the experience you endured. They will rebalance over time, although an anti-depressant will likely help as well.

 

You must seek a support group (you will make friends who understand) and

 

stay away (NO CONTACT) from Jack. Other than bare minimun, essential contact, such as selling the house or whatever else clean up must take place to survive and be rid of him.

 

The support group is essential in your long term healing.

 

God bless you sweet lady.

 

Did you check out this link? They have a forum too, almost all women.

 

Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott

[Itsonlyme66]

I never "gave him chances". He gave them to ME.

 

I mean, if we had a break up, or he would threaten to leave (as he always inevitably threatened to do), I would beg. I would promise to change. I would stop drinking. I would do A B and C different, but please don't leave!

 

Then he would come back, but in the end, I couldn't change all those things when he was not changing anything on his end. And between you and me, what I did was never anything that was a dealbreaker to the common man!

 

Making up meant he would call me out of the blue. after weeks of silence.

 

Making up meant he would "give me one last chance" then if something went wrong, something small even, he would say to me "I was such a fool. You suckered me back in!"

 

Jack wasn't like the borderline types that would beg and promise, cry and pretend to care.

Jack never begged me for anything in his life and I think he only said sorry to me maybe twice in 6 years.

[Itsonlyme66]

thanks for your blessings, I need them!

 

I'm still reeling. He was still here in a 6 year on and off relationship with me just 5 weeks ago, so it's still sinking in. Feelings are still being awakened within me. Knowledge I'm getting is also sinking into my head, and that is very painful.

 

With every bit more I learn, I get more horrified. Was I with some sort of psychopath? sociopath? What the hell WAS he? I feel compelled to understand Cluster B and know which Jack was.

 

I mean this guy was GREAT with money. Never paid a bill late.

Stellar performances at work and worked his ass off. Always went in early and came home late if there was a job to do. He was a model employee (except for stealing little incidentals....) - once we went to a restaurant and Mr. Funny said to me after dinner - hey put this knife in your purse! I was like NO! and i was laughing. He shoved it in there anyway and I see when we get to the car he took the salt and pepper shakers too! He would come home with linens from the linen company, etc. little things but still. I have to say he was a VERY hard and punctual worker, no matter what the job.

 

And with money, he was frugal and smart. He didn't overspend or buy more than he could afford. He didn't wear Cole Haan shoes, you know? Just walmart sneakers or his workboots. He wasn't a showoff like that. But sometimes he would look in the mirror and flex his muscles at me (and he did have them) and he would say, "Heh? Heh?" and smile and I would shake my head and laugh.

 

I don't know what he was. I know I have a lot to learn, and I feel that Jack was one of my major life lessons.

 

That is what breaks my heart. I loved this man so much I was reminding him to take his vitamins every day and covering him with an afghan if he fell asleep on the sofa in front of the TV. When his allergies acted up I would run to Walgreens and get him medicated powder without him asking. Stuff like that. I don't understand how he can't miss having somebody love him like that.

 

When somebody really loves you the way i did him, you don't throw them away. You hold onto them and love them back. You acknowledge and appreciate.

 

right ??

[CopingGal]

My ex only said he was sorry when he had an agenda. The couple's therapist said he had a sense of entitlement.

 

It was horrible to see him move on so fast to other women and then move on fast again. He shoved women in my face so many times it was horrible. He did sooooo much damage to me and then to see on his facebook page that he wouldn't change a thing about last year devestated me.

 

BUT, here's the deal. He is normal....for someone with narcissitic and sociopathic traits. I know he has these traits because the couple's counselor told me so. He really is normal for someone like that. He's just being himself. He is a user and an abuser and thinks he is fine. He talks about other women in his life as if they were crazy- his mom, his ex before me, his ex wife, and now, probably me. Yep, we are all crazy and he is the sane one...NO. I pity him....now, even more than I did before. Because he lives a ridiculous life...a brilliant man with a very high IQ who makes sandwiches and supervises other sandwhich makers because he is so dysfunctional.

[Itsonlyme66]

Jack loved his mother.

 

As I posted earlier (I think I did) - he was the unplanned "baby" of 6 or 7 (lost count) much older siblings who were all going into the military and leaving the nest around the time he popped into the world. He only was home for a few years with his sister who was a couple of years older.

 

When Jack was 2, his father died. He doesn't really remember him.

 

His mom had to take Jack and sister to gov't housing up in the Northeast. Not a nice town. Jack saw things as a kid that were pretty bad. He ran the streets with his friend through his teenage years and went to tech school. No college.

 

Jack joined the military too, and when his mom took him there, she dropped him off and gave him all she had. It was a $20 bill. He thanked her.

 

She was not one to say "i love you" and hugs, things like that. She was a joker, soft spoken but very funny from what he tells me. She never felt sorry for herself and kept a meticulously clean little home, despite not having a really nice home.

 

She worked 2 jobs. Jack never wanted to disappoint his mother and when he would talk of her, one time I saw him cry. He wanted his mother to see his grand children. He said she would have love them so much and he was in tears.

 

So there was SOMEONE Jack loved, you know?

 

But for all the nights she walked to work and back, and wasn't home, the siblings would babysit and to get Jack out of the way they would sit him up on the fridge for HOURS. He would literally fall asleep up there on top of the fridge and he couldn't get down.

 

That was the one thing that started this APD or Narcissism, or whatever the heck is wrong with him, and then not having a warm affectionate nurturing mom didn't help.

She loved him but she was a quiet type of loving person. Not outwardly.

 

Jack had a toothache when he was about 11. He was crying and his mother had no money for a dentist so she drove Jack around Boston in the middle of the night in a broken down car until he fell asleep.

 

She snuck him into a circus once. In the back of the circus; not where you buy tickets. He knew they were poor then, he said.

 

I wonder if, with my being an only child late in life to a couple who were financially prepared, if Jack didn't resent me on some level.

[Itsonlyme66]

I was making a point with that post about Jack's mom.

 

I thought they abused their mothers or hated their mothers.

Jack doesn't display that trait.

 

I realize I am focusing on Jack, but right now, that is MY process and my way of understanding.

 

I need to understand this train wreck I was in for 6 years before I can focus on me. I need to focus on what i was dealing with better so I can get a handle on it.

 

He ran a tight ship in his own house. His boys didn't mouth off. They were afraid of him. More of him yelling than anything else, although if they pushed the envelope, Jack would hit them, I think.

 

Jack's son, the oldest, is much like him.

The younger son is more like the mother.

[Treetops1969]

for sharing your story... it takes courage to do that. I read it enthralled because I recognise so much of it in my relationship (which just ended), especially the pained child part. I feel like ive just been through a cyclone and i totally get your need to vent all that has happened to you to help make sense of it all.

 

You need specialist counselling and advice and you need to give yourself some space and time and you need to not feel guilty or bad. All the best xx

[BewitchedandBothered]

I was making a point with that post about Jack's mom.

 

I thought they abused their mothers or hated their mothers.

Jack doesn't display that trait.

 

I realize I am focusing on Jack, but right now, that is MY process and my way of understanding.

 

I need to understand this train wreck I was in for 6 years before I can focus on me. I need to focus on what i was dealing with better so I can get a handle on it.

 

He ran a tight ship in his own house. His boys didn't mouth off. They were afraid of him. More of him yelling than anything else, although if they pushed the envelope, Jack would hit them, I think.

 

Jack's son, the oldest, is much like him.

The younger son is more like the mother.

 

the kids absolutely cannot be around this person, then. They can't be themselves and are fearful of him. Dysfunctional. As for you, hoping each day is getting better for you; came here to check in on you.

[Itsonlyme66]

His kids are long grown and pretty much gone.

oldest is moving to SC.

Youngest is living in NC with his own family.

 

My kids are neutral about him.

We never "fought" in front of my children.

 

Jack, like I said, reserved his actions and feelings for a Party of One.

(me).

 

Nothing new here. No contact from Jack.

Believe he is living in next town, because he told me he was, but never gave a street address. he's "hiding".

probably has a girlfriend.

not my issue.

 

He has not checked in though I am living in "our" legal home. I'm just paying everything as usual and don't want to bother him. Figure he will "check in" sooner or later.

[Forever Learning]

Figure he will "check in" sooner or later.

 

 

Let's hope you never hear from him again. Get thee to a women's abuse support group!! xoxo