My ex's hostility and silence really still a shock to me.

[fucpcg]

Whether or not I am deserving of the title abusive is quite the journey I've sought to answer the past year we've been split, but I don't think I'll ever be able to make peace with this one. I've had 5 long term relationships in my 41 years, and all of my ex's but the most recent I am good friends with. This most recent has labeled me a monster basically. There were a couple incidents that led to this attack of my character, where I did lose my cool with my ex, but it wasn't anything trivial. Once was an accusation by her that I went out behind her back with friends and didn't include her, when we discussed specifically our plans for the evening, and the other was an argument about a time where I felt she should have been standing up for her 11 year old son when she wasn't. That is about the only way to tell the story without typing the pages it would take for the full edition of events. Both of those fights ended up being aired in public, the night out happened when she accused me of this in the bar, and the other was in the fitness gym as we were working out. One quick preface, I NEVER went out with my friends, without my girlfriend, the entire time we dated. So the argument in the bar about blowing her off that night and ignoring her totally unwarranted and came from who knows where, I certainly don't.

 

The gym one I really do feel bad about. I had all the right intentions, I just handled terribly. However, after it we were able to talk our way thru it, and move on, so I thought. Apparently this did more damage than realized, and about a couple weeks later, she got mad at me over something and walked out of my house. She fought all week talking about it, but then finally sat down with me a week later, and we once again, talked everything out, and she told me how happy she was that we did. Then once again, about a week later got mad over something little, ended communication with me, and that was that.

 

I tried contacting by email once a week for like a month for her to meet and talk, little if any response. After the fourth week, she got fed up and wrote me a blistering email that was really 75% crap, but 25% very valid things she was upset about, but all things from basically day one of the relationship that I never heard before, EVER. She just dumped it all out, then said I am blocking your phone and your email, your contacting me is harassment, I will never see you or speak to you again, you abused me.

 

It's a year later now. I wrote a huge apology letter to respond to that email, no response. Wrote a second letter about a month later, no response. 5 months after breakup was her birthday, sent happy birthday text, no response. Saw her out 10 months post breakup, she walked past me, gave a smile and said hello, but kept going. This inspired me to write a one year breakup letter, saying hey I miss you, I've thought so much about our relationship, there is so much I've learned, so much I wish we could talk about, I wish we could reopen communication...

 

Finally a response: Stop contacting me, this is harassment. How me and my children are doing are none of your business.

 

This is a woman that we spoke of marriage and children together, no light issues. This is also a woman who had many struggles of her own when we first met, that I stuck thru with her until she could turn her life around. But after that fight about her son in the gym, she just flipped like a light switch on me. Besides the refusal to communicate, she last summer went on a tirade, along with her girlfriends, telling her friends, my friends, and basically random people that she just got out of relationship with a crazy, psychotic, abusive boyfriend, how bad I was to her, how she needed to get away from me, get a PFA protection from abuse, I mean went on, and on, and on.

 

I still wonder sometimes here, was I that bad to earn this title? Even if I was, can she really not talk to me, especially after standing behind her when she went thru periods of what you could consider acting like an abusive alcoholic towards me? Is it fair for her to go out airing dirty laundry like that, to even call MY friends to hang out then dump that story on them? And even after a year, where I bled my heart out on several apologies, does it seem rational to have her tell me that sending that type of communication is harassment? Maybe she's the abusive one? (She's done all that she can intentionally to hurt me since the split, I NEVER did anything to intentionally hurt her).

 

It's just really something I can't get my head around, that after all we shared together, she can just end all communication, walk, and tell me that trying to open communication is harassment.

 

I've had plenty of input on this matter from some wonderful friends and girlfriends, and it has helped me get a grip after this breakup, but I think hearing the side of other women who have been thru abuse can give me a unique viewpoint.

 

Such a small version of such a huge story, but maybe enough to get some kind of opinion or feedback? BTW just found this abuse section. I had been posting in the Breakup Section for past 6 months about, never knowing this was here.

[Philosoraptor]

People do what they believe will make them feel better. During the anger stage hurting another can seem very appealing as it can give a short sense of "winning". The best thing we can do to those who aim to hurt us is forgive them, and pity them for having that desire to begin with.

[fallenenvy]

Im not really sure what it is you are asking for...are you deserving of the title of abuser? IDK... and i don't think anyone can answer that for you... Abuse comes in all degrees from emotional to physical...

 

I went through both with one particular guy. He would pick fights with me constantly so he could make me out to be some horrible person.. he belittled me.. tried to make me something i wasn't.. and when my changes wern't enough he started hitting me.

 

After the relationship i was broken. I had no self esteem. However, i was able to build myself back up and i did feel the need to make some pretty vehement posts on my social network about him and the things he did (heaven forbid anyone found out that he enjoyed beating me and putting me down right?) HE asked me to take them down and i basically gave him a hearty F*CK YOU!

 

Hes half heartily tried to apologize and get back with me many times but i stopped falling for his crap the day i said it was over.

 

I know it hurts but perhaps its best to leave her alone now.. you gave your apologies weather or not she believed them. Remember we are only getting your side of the story and there are always 2 sides.. I'm sure she has her reasons for avoiding you.. weather real or made up in her head.

 

Gotta let it go...