life4him4ever Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Ok. my husband has nothing wrong with his humm humm... but he doesn't have a sex drive. he usually has sex with me as a 'favor" everyonce in awhile he gets horny. I can get it up but he doesn't have the desire so whats the use?! something I can get him or something?! any advice appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Do you instigate it? How you in shape? Link to post Share on other sites
Author life4him4ever Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 I'm confused by your post I try to get him to. i can get him hmm u know! but he is like ugh. ok if u really want to. we love eachother. he was married previously 4 yrs ago and he didn't have a sex drive with her either. he has never been into anything kinky. he likes it like 3 ways and those are the most common ones. he doesn't like to use anything or do anything different or abnormal or anything! he says my body does turn him on but he doesn't have the drive to go bump bump bump Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 hmmmmm, not sure what to say, there may be some additional things that are going on that he may not be saying. Or, maybe he is having an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Paradise Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Originally posted by life4him4ever he says my body does turn him on but he doesn't have the drive to go bump bump bump Are you sure about that? IF your body turn him on, he should be humping you daily Link to post Share on other sites
Jacksin Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Sounds like you had better have a harsh word with him and tell him you are slowly dying of boredom and frustration. Jack Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 My husband always said he was turned on by my body, but "sex is not important to him" and he couldn't get or keep an erection. So imagine how hurt I was when I found out that he looked at porn daily. Funny how he could keep a hard on for bouncing bimbos, but he couldn't for his own wife Needless to say, once we got porn out of the house, his sex drive improved 100 fold. Plus, when I started giving blow jobs every single time we had sex, he started wanting it more. Now, he just lays on his back. He'll initiate it, then just lay there. Lately, I couldn't care less....of course, if he started with holding again, I'd be crying on here about it. Does your husband look at porn? If not, does he have access to the internet? Check the cookies, and see how much he looks...that might be your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Hi, its possible it could be one of two things. Either he has some kind of medical problem (since you said he was like that with his first wife), or he might be "relieving" himself in some other way. Either by himself or with someone else. Please understand that I'm not saying that he is for sure, but it would be worth checking out for sure. Maybe you could suggest going to the doctor first and if it turns out hes fine and its not medical then maybe you could check into the 2nd possibilty. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
sahdow1955 Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 sounds like your hubby and my wife have the same problem I have tried everything i can think of and am ready to give up. maybe i should send my wife to live with him LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author life4him4ever Posted June 12, 2004 Author Share Posted June 12, 2004 lol yes. they should move in together. I know my husband doesn't look at porno. he only has access when he is around me. we don't believe in porno and he is more set against it then I am. (but I am set against it. he is just more then I). we just moved here and we haven't met anybody. we don't drink go clubbin' or anything. he was just in a car accident and I am his only way around town. I don't distrust him. I know he is faithful... that isn't the advice I was looking for. I was more or less asking if there was any medicine or something.. like vitamins that help increase a sex drive. :-) Thank you for all your post!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sahdow1955 Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 viarga have him check with his doctor sorry the advice was not what you were looking for Link to post Share on other sites
Author life4him4ever Posted June 12, 2004 Author Share Posted June 12, 2004 no problem. does viagra help increase sex drive or just the erection?? he has no trouble with the erection just the drive lol if that makes sense. haha :-) Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 From what I understand, Viagra gives an erection but doesn't cause arousal..... I am in the same situation as you.....the only time my husband ever had a strong sex drive was when we were dating...it seems like the wedding ring killed the mood for him..... I tried questioning everything under the sun (could it be because of his being molested, getting married young, having a child just a year after being married) it's been an enigma to me for many years. It wasn't even too much of a problem for a while because I was able to stop having a sex drive also. I had a very strong one but after a while I just gave up.... After some marriage problems, we worked on reviving our sex life but that slacked off after a few months. That killed my ego because it was after he had an affair. So now he's happy with 1 or 2 times a year. I don't see that as normal nor do I have a single answer as to why he is this way.... I used to question my looks and body but I know that isn't the problem.....My looks and body are constantly getting double takes and compliments...including from my husband.....which is another weird thing.... When we do have sex, he doesn't kiss me and gives me about 2 minutes of fore-play then questions me afterwards if I've had an orgasm....I've come close back in the days of dating and when fore-play was cool with him but in the almost 18 yrs we've been married, I've never had one with him.... There are times I'm so in the mood and want him so much...but I would never dare to ask because he doesn't like for me to take any kind of aggresive role... There have been a few times he wanted sex but we couldn't because of where we were and what was going on BUT it's always when I'm mad at him. He always reacts to a bad situation with us or an argument by wanting to have sex.....that's the only time he wants it but then it's when we can't... What in the world?? To make things worse, I had an affair also....so I guess that didn't help things (as if there were things to be hindered anyway)...(I'm not taking away from the hurt I caused him and I'm not giving our situation as an exuse!) I would love to have a fulfilling sex life with my husband but I'm about resolved that it's just not going to happen ever, at least not with him and that's makes me so sad, I'm 37 going into my prime...there's so much I want to experience and to share with him but I'm afraid we will never have that... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Having gone through counseling with my husband, and him going through counseling on his own -- I am wondering if the sex drive is nil because of emotional and memory connections that even the men don't understand. It took years for my husband to finally realize that for him, sex was a control issue and not pleasure or closeness. It was strictly a release mechanism for a physical condition (an erection) and his arousal was based more on dominance or control than anything. He couldn't separate it and we didn't know why he could masturbate and be fine, but for me there was nothing. We ran the whole gambit of emotions and trying this and that, and nothing really worked. Sex was a notch on a bedpost, a score, something that had to be pursued and taken or won. It proved his manliness by conquering someone. Once the sex was available and even offered without being sought after, his sex drive waned. He would still masturbate to relieve a physical need, but that was it. He did not need to be concerned with anyone else. After a while sex with a spouse became a chore and not very fulfilling. Does this sound like a possibility with your husbands? My husband is still working on separating the act of sex with the control issues, and now he can't feel anything--which, on paper, is progress--but in everyday life its sad for him that he has no sex drive or feelings. He still masturbates, but it's still only a release and his 'fantasies' are so different now that he doesn't even enjoy that. He has had to train his mind to NOT think of dominating women and controlling them and taking out his hurt and anger on them (which is what aroused him before) and he is supposed to think of loving someone or think of me, or think of some models or sexy women but not in the context of dominance or violence. He said he doesn't even bother to masturbate anymore now because he can't get it up for anything but a controlling, dominant, anger-filled or violent fantasy. Knowing something needs to change and actually making the change and FEELING it are two different things. At one point I said we could role-play and try S&M, but he could not do that because he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me and his fantasies are something that embarrasses him and he is ashamed enough just talking about them--he could never act on them even with a willing partner. He WANTS to have sex or make love because he claims he does love me and has finally begun to think of my feelings and happiness, but there is no feeling in it for him and no stimulation except like I said above. Perhaps your husbands have something like this in their minds. Maybe not the same thing as the dominance, but some connection that keeps them from being aroused with you, even though they do love you. Therapy may help, but it may not. It may take years (in our case, decades) and still not achieve the response and healing that you both want. Thankfully, for me, after all these years and all the pain, I have virtually no sex drive now--although I am finding a new sensuousness and learning to like myself now. For many years I blamed myself for my husband's problems. After all, I was always told that men want sex any time any where so I figured I must be an absolutely horrible and disgusting person that my own husband didn't want me. I didn't hold my head up for years and I could tell you every crack in the sidewalk in Houston because I was always hanging my head. I was convinced it was me that caused a normal man to stop wanting sex. Now, even though I know it was HIM, I'm fighting all those long years of self-loathing and no self-esteem and trying not to be bitter and resentful. Hopefully, you won't have to go through what I did, and you can get some counseling now and medical treatment if there is depression, or possibly another illness at work here. Also, some men just have a lower sex-drive then others, but I think it was Freud who said that the only way sex was aberrant was to have none at all, or something like that. If there is no sex, then there is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Thanks HR....I've questioned and second guessed the heck out of the situation from day one....we started dating at the age of 18. His sex drive was very, very strong. He rarely climaxed and when he did, it sometimes took a long time (He never climaxed during sex, it was when giving him a hand job) . From the first night of our honeymoon (he never climaxed the whole time) till now, his drive has been nothing like it was while we were dating. He's climaxed while having sex with me about 3 times in our marriage. I know for sure he did one time because we have a child! I don't know if his penis isn't sensitive enough for him to climax...ummmm he's very well endowed in that area so he's touching "the walls" so to speak So perhaps that's why he doesn't want sex (the lack of climaxing)...I truly don't know....I really have stopped trying to figure out why. I mean I thought most men would be happy to have a lingerie clad or even naked attractive women laying beside them willing to do anything and everything to please them sexually. I just know that I'm missing alot as a sexual individual and in our relationship. He's so handsome and I love him, it just basically seems like such a waste and makes me very sad..... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee I mean I thought most men would be happy to have a lingerie clad or even naked attractive women laying beside them willing to do anything and everything to please them sexually. It could be that he is very much intimidated by you and doesn't even realize it. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Shoot, if I ever have problems getting horny, I'll just visit this forum and stare at hokey religion's avatar, that seems to do it for me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 It could be that he is very much intimidated by you and doesn't even realize it. It's odd you mention that, he said he never understood what I saw in him to date him or even marry him (he doesn't realize how handsome he is and I'm not just saying that, all the women that ever meet him know he's gorgeous, intelligent, witty and kind) and he says he still feels that way so maybe that's his way of saying he's intimidated by me......I just wonder what I could do to change that? Most people are intimidated when they first meet me BUT as they get to know me, that completely changes, maybe it's because I'm tall! LOLOLOLOL!! Anyway, how in the world do I keep him from feeling intimidated by me or my sexual needs?? Shoot, if I ever have problems getting horny, I'll just visit this forum and stare at hokey religion's avatar, that seems to do it for me!!! Now Moose, why would a picture of someone's face as they scrub back and forth cleaning the bathtub turn you on?? LOLOLOL! Just kidding!! It is quite....stimulating!!! (lucky chick!) Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Vivian, I know, hehe, even the wife loves it......that bothers me a little!!! Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Vivian, I know, hehe, even the wife loves it......that bothers me a little!!! LOLOL!! If she's like me, it's not the chick that is stimulating her...it's what the chick is doing, having done to her and what it's causing her to do!! Now...I'm sure the guys like seeing the chick having fun!! Link to post Share on other sites
lnichols Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 You poor thing! Healthy sex is SO important to a marriage! I lived with a guy for 3 years. He used sex as a tool (or a weapon if you will). If he was mad, he cut off the sex. If he was busy, no sex. If he had anything, and i mean anything else to do, no sex. If he was too tired, no sex. If I wanted sex, no sex especially! When we did it, it was great with multiples all around, but we only did it about twice a month. We only did it when he wanted to, and by then, I was too horny to refuse, so he basically was in control. That was the key word. Control. I took such an ego bruising! I stopped asking because I was tired of being shot down. I had an affair. It was bad. Finally, I did break it off. I have since found a wonderful man, and guess what? He loves it as much as I do! And he really cares about my wants. I know married couples who abstain for YEARS. I hope you find out how to fix this problem. Maybe couples counseling. Maybe something different like a romantic getaway. Maybe you BOTH should try porn. Works for some. Viagra won't help if the desire is not there. Been there tried that. Link to post Share on other sites
maddy36 Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 I an going the same but only it is me who does not have a sex drive at all. I love my husband every much but I never want to have sex. Most of the time I do it just cause he wants to. I dont know what to do. So dont be to hard on your husband. I wish I caould talk to my husband about it but all he thinks is about hisself and why he is not getting any, he has even made the comment that he would go somewhere else and get it. Which I dont think he ever would but it still hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
msrealdoll Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 Life, if he's not masturbating nor having sex with you, it may be that he has a low testosterone level. There are simple treatments for it. Tell him to get to his doctor and discuss it. Link to post Share on other sites
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