Young, Engaged, Pregnant, Seperated

[Sad Cupid]

Hello all, ill do my best to fill you in on both sides of the story here. this is my first post here.

 

so my fiance and i are both 22, weve been together not very long actually, say about 6-7months and we instantly fell in love for eachother. we both have the same religious views, world views, goals in life, etc..

 

shes the one that asked me to marry her, and i lovingly said yes with tears in my eyes..

 

we were using protection until i contracted an std from her (which never really bother me as i saw it as i was spending the rest of my life with this woman..) eventually we stopped using protection all together and made plans to have children.

 

ofcourse she got pregnant down the road and it was a pretty emotion time for us. shes 7 weeks along as i type this.

 

the problem is this, now she wont speak to me. infact she states she doesnt even want to be with me anymore. mind you for the last two months she has been attacking me, and my character, my family and friends with very mean and vulgar remarks.

 

i understand pregnancy hormones can change a womans behavior, so i bit the bullet and didnt yell back at her and told her she was right, ALL THE TIME! (her word was pretty much law to me, i totally submitted to her) (as well as bought her flowers whenever she got this way)

 

so after a few days she started talking to me again and confessed her undying love for me, saying i was such a sweet guy and she loved me all the mushy stuff.

 

the other night, she asked me if i would call her before bed, which ofcourse i did! in the course of the conversation i ended up asking her if she wanted to spend some time the following day as i had to leave my house for the day, i just wanted to make sure i was available for the mother of my child incase thats what she required! somehow, that question upset her, and she yelled at me and hung up the phone. i called her back only to realize she had turned off her phone.

 

i had left her a very kind toned voicemail expressing my apologies for upsetting her and that i was just trying to be available for her. i also mentioned that when she runs away/avoids me like this it hurts my feelings.

 

she didnt contact me for about 15 hours via an email stating she was sorry and she loved me.

 

5 minutes later i get another email from her swearing at me and breaking up with me for leaving her a "****ing rude voicemail" which the voicemail, i assure you, was far from rude.

 

now, its been days since we last spoke because she threatened to put a restraining order on me for reasons that im STILL confused about.

 

i could understand if i was raising my voice, or threatening her or being mean but i havent! infact shes the one thats been doing that to me..

 

we both were raised without fathers and the last thing i want for my child is to be raised the way i was, between families.

 

this just breaks my heart because i am literally SO in love with this woman. i cant stop thinking about her, singing songs as if she could hear me, crying that shes gone. WE LITERALLY FELT AS IF WE WERE SOUL MATES! twin flames..

 

so yeah she tells me to change, and i do, ive made mistakes in the past but ive ALWAYS learned from them and changed my ways. i cant say the same for her but i do NOT judge her based on her negativity. i understand people have issues and i would never hold her emotional outbursts against her..im still so IN LOVE with this person!!

 

all i want is for her and i to make things right, for us, our families, and the childs life. when you have a child with someone you WANT to raise that child with that person, its the ultimate sign of love and respect..

 

what should i do? i can barely sleep or eat, i just keep checking my email like 10 times a day (maybe more) but i have stopped calling her completely as to avoid legal actions..

 

i know she loves me and wants to do this the right way, but since she still lives with her mom, i have a fear that her mother is coaching her. she goes home and completely flips a switch..

 

theres so much more i could type here, but the tears are making it hard to see.. please help me.. i pray to God all the day and have been working so hard to prepare for our future child..

 

thank you in advance, thank you.

[Sad Cupid]

what a blessing time can be..

 

my love emailed me today, and asked if i would call her.. and so i did..

 

we spoke for almost an hour, and ill admit i was in tears most of the time.

 

she informed me of her doctors appointment and a few events from her day.

 

we talked about our pains and our plans and our hopes.

 

she said that perhaps in time if ive shown her i can change enough she would let me be in her and the childs life.

 

at this point whatever she says ill happily oblige to. we both asked for forgiveness from each other for the things we had done wrong and what we had to do to fix them.

 

i asked that we not go back to the old dramas and stay focused on the present and our possible future. it worked until enough pain came out of me that she had said that i did everything wrong before and all i did when she told me that i hurt her feelings was disagree with what she said.

 

she has said that alot to me before and only now do i see the road block that we keep running into.

 

whenever she says that i say

 

"i know i did things wrong but surely i couldnt have done "everything" wrong"

 

thats where she cuts me off, says "see"and hangs up..

 

as those who miss the ones we love the most, we must treat them with the utmost sensitivity and care. they are like small flowers and we are like giants trampling through a field.

 

i called her a few times (which she doesnt like) and left her very apologetic voicemails, the last one letting her know i wouldnt call her anymore and continue to give her this huge amount of space she seems to need.

 

i also responded to the email that she sent me, asking if i could hear her voice again but making it clear it was the last email i would send her, as to give her space. i was very apologetic again and loving and kind.

 

all i can do now is go back to working on myself and my life and not allow myself to get caught up. there are going to be times where im going to miss her and i MAY cry. but its ok to miss someone, its just your heart reminding you that you love them and how much they mean to you.

 

so even though we may have taken a few steps backwards at the end by falling into the old dramas, ultimately we took steps forward, and that give me hope.

[Lauriebell82]

Ok so...

 

1. She gave you an STD (which you SHOULD care about!!!)

2. She proposed to you, then repeatedly emotionally abused you

3. She broke up with you multiple times, calling you names

4. Tells YOU that YOU are the one with the issues and need to change

 

Isn't there something wrong with this dynamic? I think you are basically a dormat, allowing her to abuse you and you keep running back for more. She basically realizes that she can treat you like crap and you will be there with open arms, desperate to please her. I understand you love her, but I don't see how your update can be described as a "blessing." She is just continuing her old pattern of being lovey dovey, then blowing up at you/abusing you, making YOU think you did something wrong, then blowing you off.

 

You sound like a very nice guy, I think you deserve better then that and so should you.

[westrock]

Has she been acting like this towards you since before she became pregnant or only since she became pregnant?

 

You haven't known her very long so it may be hard to determine what's really going on, but if she acted like this towards you even before her pregancy, then look up Borderline Pesonality Disorder and see if you recognize the signs. There is a good article here listing some signs to look out for: 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist « A Shrink for Men

 

You haven't given us enough information about her past, but it could be that she has unresolved feelings about growing up without a father and now that the two of you are about to have a family, her past emotional hurts are being triggered and she's taking it out on you. It could also be that her mother is getting emotional too saying things to her daughter that are being directed towards you.

 

You two have baby on the way, so your priority needs to be on helping support your fiancee and the baby, but you can't forget about yourself either. Try to seek out some help yourself from some older more experienced people that you trust. If you can afford it, maybe considering getting some counselling to get some guidance on how to best help support her and the baby.

[Sad Cupid]

Has she been acting like this towards you since before she became pregnant or only since she became pregnant?

 

You haven't known her very long so it may be hard to determine what's really going on, but if she acted like this towards you even before her pregancy, then look up Borderline Pesonality Disorder and see if you recognize the signs. There is a good article here listing some signs to look out for: 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist « A Shrink for Men

 

You haven't given us enough information about her past, but it could be that she has unresolved feelings about growing up without a father and now that the two of you are about to have a family, her past emotional hurts are being triggered and she's taking it out on you. It could also be that her mother is getting emotional too saying things to her daughter that are being directed towards you.

 

You two have baby on the way, so your priority needs to be on helping support your fiancee and the baby, but you can't forget about yourself either. Try to seek out some help yourself from some older more experienced people that you trust. If you can afford it, maybe considering getting some counselling to get some guidance on how to best help support her and the baby.

 

thanks for taking the time to respond to me westrock. i checked out your link and its totally on point. im in tears right now as i type this.. my main focus is on supporting this child and its future, especially since my parents never supported me and abused me for 20+ years (even after i was homeless at 16)

 

im pretty sick of being told that IM THE immature one (which im sure there are some parts of me that are not totally defined yet) and that i have done everything wrong. she sits here and points the finger at me saying that im emotionally abusing her and stuff and it kills me because in my heart and soul i know im doing no such thing. (INFACT SHES THE ONE DOING IT TO ME! but god forbid i ever speak my mind on that issue)

 

so since she most likely has bdp or is a narcissist, what are the next steps from here? im trying to do this the right way and ultimately i would love to be under the same roof with her and our child. to wake up and see her eyes, to wake up to the baby crying in the other room at 2 am so we can feed it and burp it and clean it..

 

oh yeah to answer your question its been going on since before she was pregnant, so thats how i know its bpd.

 

thanks again for your time.

[setsenia]

Hello all, ill do my best to fill you in on both sides of the story here. this is my first post here.

 

so my fiance and i are both 22, weve been together not very long actually, say about 6-7months and we instantly fell in love for eachother. we both have the same religious views, world views, goals in life, etc..

 

shes the one that asked me to marry her, and i lovingly said yes with tears in my eyes..

 

we were using protection until i contracted an std from her (which never really bother me as i saw it as i was spending the rest of my life with this woman..) eventually we stopped using protection all together and made plans to have children.

 

ofcourse she got pregnant down the road and it was a pretty emotion time for us. shes 7 weeks along as i type this.

 

Don't want to judge but...if you were using protection? How was the STD contracted? I'm a little confused when you say you used protection and contracted an STD (unless you weren't using condoms) and then decided to stop using protection? Did she know she had an STD? You are the same age as me, that is very young to have to live the rest of your life with an STD. Also, some STD's such as herpes, can be passed during childbearing. Which means she'd need to have the baby through C-section to prevent the STD from being passed to the baby.

 

Another question. I am assuming you two haven't lived together at all? What made you decide to go ahead and plan a baby if you aren't in a stable situation with her? Are you both working or going to school?

 

It sounds like a very unfortunate situation. You did nothing wrong and she's treating you horrible. She gave you an STD, which you have every right to be upset about. And now she is emotionally abusing you for no reason. It's so sad that now you're going to have a baby together in this mess. This is exactly why I'd give it more than 6 months before I decide to have children with someone. You are both still very young and 6 months isn't long enough at all to really know someone well. I am 22, almost 23 and my H is 28. Been married 4 years, together for 6 and no rush to have kids. I love him immensely, but I've always thought it wise to really experience life with him before I decide to start a family with him and be emotionally and financially stable. There is no way you should stand for her to treat you like this. Make the best of it for your baby, but don't tolerate the way she is treating you.

[Sad Cupid]

Ok so...

 

1. She gave you an STD (which you SHOULD care about!!!)

2. She proposed to you, then repeatedly emotionally abused you

3. She broke up with you multiple times, calling you names

4. Tells YOU that YOU are the one with the issues and need to change

 

Isn't there something wrong with this dynamic? I think you are basically a dormat, allowing her to abuse you and you keep running back for more. She basically realizes that she can treat you like crap and you will be there with open arms, desperate to please her. I understand you love her, but I don't see how your update can be described as a "blessing." She is just continuing her old pattern of being lovey dovey, then blowing up at you/abusing you, making YOU think you did something wrong, then blowing you off.

 

You sound like a very nice guy, I think you deserve better then that and so should you.

 

thank you for responding

 

what you say is very true, and all my friends and family say that i deserve better, and i agree with them. but its a bit late for that in my mind.

 

how can i balance this out? be there but not be the victim of her manipulation and abuse? because at this point its gotten so bad shes just accusing me of manipulation and abuse (which is the oldest manipulation and abuse trick in the book) even though i dont even call her or anything! why do people have to act like this especially when a childs involved?

 

as far as the std goes, well, all i can do is take Olive leaf oil extracts and hope that does the trick because theres no other known cure for this one..

 

i just wish i could take it all back, go back in time and just never have smiled at her or spoken to her. when she cheated on me the first time i should have left.

 

when i broke up with her for abusing me i should have kept my distance. i should never had let her come back into my life but i did, because i forgave and forgot. i let it all go thinking she would change.

 

one time on the bus she broke up with me in a text and before she sent it, i noticed she went from sad to all giddy like while she was texting it. she really has issues to be enjoying such a sorry display of behavior.

 

so whether i deserve better or not, like i said, its too late for that. i love her and i let her so deep into my life that its hard for me to hold onto my life anymore. its sad to say this but ive been praying to God alot that he would just take my life from me because literally, i cant handle this nonsense anymore!

 

ofcourse it will never happen because a childs future is at stake, but the pain i feel is immeasurable.

[Lauriebell82]

so since she most likely has bdp or is a narcissist, what are the next steps from here? im trying to do this the right way and ultimately i would love to be under the same roof with her and our child.

 

Would she be open to counseling? The issue with Borderlines is that they are usually resistant to entering any kind of treatment without a legal incentive. Since this behavior was happening prior to pregnancy, it appears that she probably would be able to be diagnosed as having this as a pre-existing condition before pregnancy.

 

Unfortuantely, treatment for personality disorders is rarely effective, as it is their personality related behaviors that are causing the problems. Most therapies focus on feelings and ways to deal with them in a healthy manner instead of an abusive one.

 

Suggest treatment and see what she says...you also should seek some for yourself as well. Some of your statements indicate that you may have some codependency issues that you would be able to work through in counseling.

[Sad Cupid]

Don't want to judge but...if you were using protection? How was the STD contracted? I'm a little confused when you say you used protection and contracted an STD (unless you weren't using condoms) and then decided to stop using protection? Did she know she had an STD? You are the same age as me, that is very young to have to live the rest of your life with an STD. Also, some STD's such as herpes, can be passed during childbearing. Which means she'd need to have the baby through C-section to prevent the STD from being passed to the baby.

 

Another question. I am assuming you two haven't lived together at all? What made you decide to go ahead and plan a baby if you aren't in a stable situation with her? Are you both working or going to school?

 

It sounds like a very unfortunate situation. You did nothing wrong and she's treating you horrible. She gave you an STD, which you have every right to be upset about. And now she is emotionally abusing you for no reason. It's so sad that now you're going to have a baby together in this mess. This is exactly why I'd give it more than 6 months before I decide to have children with someone. You are both still very young and 6 months isn't long enough at all to really know someone well. I am 22, almost 23 and my H is 28. Been married 4 years, together for 6 and no rush to have kids. I love him immensely, but I've always thought it wise to really experience life with him before I decide to start a family with him and be emotionally and financially stable. There is no way you should stand for her to treat you like this. Make the best of it for your baby, but don't tolerate the way she is treating you.

 

certain stds can still be contracted even with the use of condoms, and yes thats what we were using.

 

herpes CAN be passed to the kid during vaginal birth, but its not a 100% of the time thing. i understand exactly where your coming from and your statements and trust me, ive been beating myself over the head about it for awhile now, but the decisions have been made and looking back only summons all the pain and drama back to the surface.

 

its easy for a third party to say "dont stand for her treatment" but if i do that, i may never get to see my kid.

 

now she gave me an std, right? its against my character to spread diseases, in my mind i can NEVER be with another woman again. infact all i want to be is with her anyway, even after all this..

 

i feel for her, she lost her father, she contracted herpes at 16 when she was still a virgin, her mom emotionally abuses her, she has no self esteem!

 

i just wish she could see the love i have for her at all times and realize that if she really wants to get better (i found a natural herpes cure FOR her and i) emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually, that being with me can do all that.

[Sad Cupid]

Would she be open to counseling? The issue with Borderlines is that they are usually resistant to entering any kind of treatment without a legal incentive. Since this behavior was happening prior to pregnancy, it appears that she probably would be able to be diagnosed as having this as a pre-existing condition before pregnancy.

 

Unfortuantely, treatment for personality disorders is rarely effective, as it is their personality related behaviors that are causing the problems. Most therapies focus on feelings and ways to deal with them in a healthy manner instead of an abusive one.

 

Suggest treatment and see what she says...you also should seek some for yourself as well. Some of your statements indicate that you may have some codependency issues that you would be able to work through in counseling.

 

im totally open to counseling and have been looking into for the past few days. i was in counseling for 18 years of my life because i was sexually and physically abused by my biological father. my mother and my step father emotionally and physically abused me as well, so thats probably why ive sat through all of this, its the norm for me.. :/

 

the next time she decides to speak to me ill bring it up, but that could be weeks down the road. she never wants to work on our issues, she just runs from them and makes the worse so, im not sure at this point what she would be willing to do. i guess only time will tell..

[setsenia]

I know where you are coming from. My dad was emotionally abusive towards me and physically towards the end. He has a lot of personal issues himself and I've learned that over the years. I moved out at 18 because of this. I had a lot of issues. My husband had a pretty mundane life when I met him, but In-laws added into the drama and he realized over the years his mom was very neglectful of him. She had him when she was 20 and wasn't ready to be a mother, so his father raised him until he passed away in his teen years. Then he was forced to go and live with his mother and step-father. They didn't really abuse him, but they were emotionally abusive and neglectful. Very, very long story. But his mom is a controlling b***h, kicked him out over their dog, disowned him over facebook etc. His step-father was also very controlling and never made an effort to get to know him. I could go on forever, but sometimes I think back and wonder if it was all worth it the last 5 years. I know I couldn't imagine involving kids in that mess, but my husband himself is very stable, thankfully since his dad raise him in a normal setting. I can't fault him for that, but at least I know in marriage, there is always divorce. But once you have a baby, you are stuck. I hope things improve for you, you definitely should take it to court if you are worried about not seeing the baby. Unless you are addicted to drugs or something or have a reason any judge wouldn't grant you joint custody, I would fight for it. There's no reason to be treated like that.

[Sad Cupid]

I know where you are coming from. My dad was emotionally abusive towards me and physically towards the end. He has a lot of personal issues himself and I've learned that over the years. I moved out at 18 because of this. I had a lot of issues. My husband had a pretty mundane life when I met him, but In-laws added into the drama and he realized over the years his mom was very neglectful of him. She had him when she was 20 and wasn't ready to be a mother, so his father raised him until he passed away in his teen years. Then he was forced to go and live with his mother and step-father. They didn't really abuse him, but they were emotionally abusive and neglectful. Very, very long story. But his mom is a controlling b***h, kicked him out over their dog, disowned him over facebook etc. His step-father was also very controlling and never made an effort to get to know him. I could go on forever, but sometimes I think back and wonder if it was all worth it the last 5 years. I know I couldn't imagine involving kids in that mess, but my husband himself is very stable, thankfully since his dad raise him in a normal setting. I can't fault him for that, but at least I know in marriage, there is always divorce. But once you have a baby, you are stuck. I hope things improve for you, you definitely should take it to court if you are worried about not seeing the baby. Unless you are addicted to drugs or something or have a reason any judge wouldn't grant you joint custody, I would fight for it. There's no reason to be treated like that.

 

 

yeah im not addicted to drugs or anything, on the contrary she had been drinking and smoking weed while she was pregnant which i told her i strongly advised that she quit smoking that. she quit drinking when she REALIZED she was pregnant, but she had been pregnant for some time. she insisted that smoking was fine but luckily i spoke some understanding into her. atleast she SAYS shes not doing it anymore but at this point i cant even trust her.. im not going to fight her for custody, i feel like theres no way i could possibly win because she is a woman and i am a man.

 

i agree that the way she has been treating me i do not deserve, all my friends and family tell me this everyday, but again, its a little late for that.

 

i just wish she would wake up and see what she has here.. how many men RUN away and leave the mother of their child? ESPECIALLY AT THIS AGE?!? why ask me to marry you, get pregnant, just so you can do this?

 

ive gotten the short end of the stick this whole relationship, but im not here to be like, "feel sorry for me" even though im sure most people do, hell, I EVEN FEEL SORRY FOR ME!

 

i had to delete my facebook over all this nonsense, ive lost more than enough sleep worrying, ive lost 10 pounds in just tears i think, when she called me and said she loved me yesterday the clouds opened up ya know, but after waking up this morning and feeling like i was in the same hole from the day before, im starting to think im done waiting for this girl anymore.

 

ive taken more than i thought i could ever take in my life, and shes talking about if i "change" enough in say 2-3 years that she may consider getting back with me, its complete rubbish! im the only one in this relationship brave enough to solve our problems AND step up to the plate for this kid.

 

its time i stop enabling this person to abuse to me as she has, its time that i just let her go, though my heart aches at just the thought of this, i know in time, i will be happier, more reliant on myself.

 

i dont look for external sources for happiness, really i dont, but external sorrows certainly seem to keep creeping in on my life. maybe i AM looking for external sources of happiness and not knowing it.

 

whatever it is, there must be something wrong with me if she doesnt want to be with me.. :'(

[Lauriebell82]

whatever it is, there must be something wrong with me if she doesnt want to be with me.. :'(

 

There is something wrong with her, not you. Remember that.

 

It sounds like this thread has done you some good, your last post indicates that you realize what is happening and are considering accepting it. As much as you want the happy family life you dream of, it's just that..a dream. It's probably not going to be a reality unfortunatley.

[setsenia]

It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you. You have to realize that this is HER, not you. You've tried everything you could and have done your best. You're right, a lot of guys our age would be running for the hills! My H was 22 when we met and I'm glad he's never been that type of guy. I know that if I did get pregnant, he would enjoy being a father. Men like that seem to be pretty scarce. As you pointed out, she has some issues. I've always found it unfortunate in nature that men have no control over what happens to their child before it's born. Be it she smokes and drinks like you said or if he wants the kid and she doesn't. I am pro-choice myself, but I think women should at least give the father a decision in the matter before having an abortion. If he wants to raise the child and fully capable, give him the chance. It sounds like you'd have a good chance at a custody battle considering her drinking and smoking history, especially while pregnant.

[wowme20100]

just too damn long to read

[setsenia]

Our fathers raised us for the best (My H and I). So I am a strong supporter of men being able to raise their children and having custody as there are plenty of cases where the Mom isn't capable.

[Sad Cupid]

im super appreciative of all the responses and input my fellow human beings have shown me in this thread. thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

 

i feel like i may have portrayed her unfairly here, it seems as if shes the only one that has issues.

 

i know that i have my own issues and problems and do my best to become a better person everyday. it certainly CANT be all her fault for all of this, im sure i do things wrong too..

 

i just wish and hope that she will come back to me, i know any of you dont want me to be with her, even in my immediate circle of friends dont want that, but it takes two to raise a child, and my heart mind and soul is still totally attached to hers.

 

i still wear our engagement ring, i still think of her and miss you, I STILL EVEN MAKE MUSIC FOR HER! (been making music over 12 years, 8 years electronically)

 

at this point all i can do is work on myself and hope that the love she says she has for me is as true as it is and she will return to me.

 

maybe when i get my own space she will return to me, but until then, all of your support fills the cracks of my life.

 

thank you all again, ill do my best to respond to you all and keep you updated!

[Sad Cupid]

Our fathers raised us for the best (My H and I). So I am a strong supporter of men being able to raise their children and having custody as there are plenty of cases where the Mom isn't capable.

 

thats good to hear! i most likely will NOT be fighting for custody still, but its still glad to hear that the earth and humankind is progressing.

 

i think equal rights between men and women should be one of the main goals of this planet, it seems its more oriented towards the progression of women at the moment, which is fine with me for now! but there are huge loopholes and gaps to date...

[Sad Cupid]

so, she emailed me the other day saying "thanks for the sweet messages blahblahblah (personal life stuff)"

 

so i thought EMAILS were ok.

 

apparently not, she emailed me again today saying that my emails were "overwhelming her" and that i havent been "giving her space"

 

(mind you the emails are short and sweet and very supportive, and its been 1 every 2 days, nothing much!)

 

i guess i dont know the definition of "space"

 

i havent been calling her or anything! she thanked me for the emails and never said dont email me!

 

now shes trippin again, and all i wanted to tell her was that im working 53 hours a week now (working nights on weekends) i just want to comfort her and let her know our kids going to be fine, but it looks like im going to be working my ass off for no reason...

 

my subconscious mind has been making me have the craziest dreams where im going up an elevator to see her, and the elevator breaks down as i get to the top floor and i have to jump because its falling and she just leaves me hangin and does help me up.

 

not that im holding a DREAM against her or anything, but its just strange, all this behavior is conflicting and im so distraught about all this.

 

i guess total silence is what is needed but this is ridiculous. should i even bother waiting for this girl anymore? its killing me inside..

 

and my std is freaking out, just sux man.. you overlook things like that for someone and it just bites you in the ass...

Edited March 26, 2012 by Sad Cupid