Would you want to know?

[Mr Spock]

Would you want to know if your spouse was having an affair? Would you? Enough women come to the OW forum and post-I'm paying a visit to understand the other shoe a bit better.

 

No flaming or dung flinging please

[Kelly6147]

Spock, your darn right I'd want to know! Especially since my husband has always been so insistent on telling me that if I ever cheated on him he'd leave me. I have constantly been "warned" that if I ever cheated - he'd leave me.

 

I don't trust him very much since he's always so adamant about this - usually people who are so worried about others cheating on them are the ones sneaking around and doing the cheating themselves!

 

I've never had a man cheat on me (that I know of). If I found out my husband was cheating I'd leave him in a heartbeat - no second chances in that department. The trust level would never return and would just make for a miserable relationship.

[Paradise]

Why would you want to get into such a mess?

Most women would rather not find out and if they did all hell will break lose.

You better make sure his wife is not a psycho b/c she may come after you.

You need to forget him and move on.

[Maria46]

I think I would really like to know if my partner was having an affair. I also believe that I would have had suspicions because of his changes in habits.

 

I forgave my first husband when I found out about his first OW. But when it came to the second one, that was enough. This was 20 plus years ago. If my current partner had an OW, that would be the end of our relationship. I would pack his belongings and send him to her house. In fact I would probably deliver his stuff to her house. No second chances anymore.

 

Spock,

I know you are so very tempted to tell MMs wife about this. I also believe that you think if she knows about you, she will kick him to the curb. Please Spock, you need to break free from this man. I know it will be hard to do. Take some time and learn to love yourself. I think that when you finally love yourself, you will see so many other options available to you. You will find a man who will love you, treat you well, and won't have to share him with anyone else. You will be together every night, every holiday. You deserve this!!

 

 

I hope you don't consider this dung flinging as I am only wishing the best for you.

[DerangedAngel]

Would you want to know if your spouse was having an affair?

 

Absolutely.

 

-DA

[UCFKevin]

This has been asked a few times.

 

I would deserve to know.

[Matilda]

If my husband was having an affair, then I would want to know. I would want to know that I was living a lie. I don't think I would like to hear about it from the other woman though. I think that might be like grinding salt into a wound.

 

I think you need to examine your own motives for wanting to tell the wife. Are you really wanting to tell her because your care about her, and want to do the "right" thing? Or are you wanting to tell her out of spite? I think it would be a big mistake for you to tell her. I think it would be bad for you, and for her.

 

A couple of interesting links I found when I was thinking about this question:

 

http://www.gloryb.com/faq/faqmanager.cgi?file=parttwo&toc=faq#q11

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/health/zforum/infidelity033099.htm

[red-rose-in-winter]

YES I would want to know if my husband was cheating on me!!!

Why would I want to stay married to a man that lies and cheats!!!

[FolderWife]

I'm not sure if I would or not

 

Yes: I'd want the option of making a clean break from the loser who cheated

No: I'd want to go on living my life in la la land

 

I think I definately would want to know, so I could get a divorce, and find someone who loves me

[Pyrannaste]

I definitely would want to know.

 

*Especially* if my SO would never tell me unless he was caught.

 

I'd surely get *less* angry at the OW than if I learnt about the affair from my SO.

All my anger would probably go to my partner. Not to the OW. I might even be grateful to her. Well, *almost*grateful.

hey, she would have been the one telling me!

[brashgal]

I'm glad I found out the way I did (on my own). If the OW had told me, no telling what would have happened to her.

 

She still gives me a wide berth...

[RollintheHay]

Why can't people just divorce THEN have sex with random people? Is it so hard?

 

"Listen woman, I want to have sex with random women so we need to divorce..."

 

"You promise-breaking SOB who can't keep his dick in his pants!...fine."

[moimeme]

I have to agree with Matilda. If you are contemplating telling the wife, question your motives. I'm pretty sure it's not at all about caring whether the wife wants to know and a good bit about if she knows, she might ditch him and then he'll have no choice to come to you.

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by moimeme

I'm pretty sure it's not at all about caring whether the wife wants to know and a good bit about if she knows, she might ditch him and then he'll have no choice to come to you.

 

Of course the moment you tell his wife, you can consider your relationship with him ended.

Don't think for a moment he might end up being grateful to you for 'helping him leave his wife'.

It is very likely he'll break up with you.

It is extremely likely he'll decide you are scum.

He might end up hating you. Even decide that it's only your fault if his marriage went down the hill.

It is pretty difficult to forgive someone who has taken away from you the previlege of having your cake and eat it.

[Mr Spock]

I was just curious-I wanted the opinions of MW and MM-isn't it funny how everyone says "Don't tell her he'll hate you" but ALL the people on here would want to know if only to MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS.

 

I've considered the nutcase aspect-I'm a foot taller-guns aren't as readily available in my country.

 

I don't know if I'd be brave enough to say anything. This is not the first time he's cheated. Now that things are going well he wants the relationship to work. But who's to say in a year he won't do it again?

 

 

Maybe I want him to hate me. It would certainly be easier for me to get over that then what he's offered me NOW (continue to be just friends who've put their horizontal past behind them-which leaves the door open for him in 6 months to come back if he's stupid enough to do that now that he knows I have strong feelings for him)

 

I wouldn't have to say anything to her. My friends have already suggested they do that-but really, do I want to punish this man whose only crime to me was that he didn't fall in love with me?

Cheating hurts EVERYONE. I agree with rollinthehay.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Matilda

If my husband was having an affair, then I would want to know. I would want to know that I was living a lie. I don't think I would like to hear about it from the other woman though. I think that might be like grinding salt into a wound.

 

I think you need to examine your own motives for wanting to tell the wife. Are you really wanting to tell her because your care about her, and want to do the "right" thing? Or are you wanting to tell her out of spite? I think it would be a big mistake for you to tell her. I think it would be bad for you, and for her.

 

A couple of interesting links I found when I was thinking about this question:

 

http://www.gloryb.com/faq/faqmanager.cgi?file=parttwo&toc=faq#q11

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/health/zforum/infidelity033099.htm

 

 

Thank you for those excellent links. Reading them was good for me.

 

Do I want her to know now? No. Because I'm still a little emotionally unstable. But I do want her to know. The washington post article was BIG on not withholding that kind of information. I would want her to know if he had professed love for me. I would want her to know if our relationship continued as it were. I want her to know now. Why? Am I angry-yes. Am I hurt-yes. Do I think that it's right that he do this to her? No. Maybe I don't have the right to feel that way as the OW but I DO. Do I think that in 6 month to a year he'll do it again? Yes. He'll just be more careful. Would I want to know? Yes. I have always gone by "Do unto others" and I haven't followed that this year, because I've been sleeping with someone else's man.

 

But I would want to know. And she will want to know, eventually. If she hasn't figured it out yet-that article stated we all know, on some level.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by moimeme

I have to agree with Matilda. If you are contemplating telling the wife, question your motives. I'm pretty sure it's not at all about caring whether the wife wants to know and a good bit about if she knows, she might ditch him and then he'll have no choice to come to you.

 

Of course that factors in to everything-when you love someone who doesn't fantasize? Foster hope in your heart, even when your mind knows? But I know it would make him hate me if I told her ( I wouldn't be the messenger) and if he was serious about fixing his marriage he would cut off all contact-but THAT WOULD BE EASIER I think.

 

PS I do promise not to do anything right away-I need time.

[FolderWife]

I would want to know, but I DEFINATELY WOULD NOT want the other woman telling me...does that make sense?

 

I would want some pride. If the other woman told me, then I would feel so stupid for not finding it out on my own. I would feel like this witchy slut who slept with my husband told me, just to rub it in my face.

 

That would devistate me. I would want my husband to tell me, or I would want to find out on my own. What goes on in MY marriage is no one else's business, so who is some woman to call and tell me that my husband is sleeping around...even if it was with her.

 

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with you because you are the other woman, because remember, I was once too! Eventually, I'd remember how it was being the other woman, and how the guy I was with wouldn't leave his girl, and I wanted to tell her so she wouldn't be made a fool of any more.

 

In spite of your good intentions, this is actually none of your business.

 

You are not in the marriage, so you have no right to intrude.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Would you want to know if your spouse was having an affair? Would you? Enough women come to the OW forum and post-I'm paying a visit to understand the other shoe a bit better.

Yes I would want to know. That would be a handy piece of information for my attorney and the arresting officers--they may be more sympathetic to me if they had also been victims of cheating. Besides, the more info I provide to the detective to gather hard evidence, the faster he will be able to get the evidence and the less it may cost me, and hopefully I would be aquitted in court.

 

Maybe I'm kidding about the violence, and maybe I'm not. I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would be enraged if I found out my husband had cheated on me.

 

But I always want to know the truth. If I make a decision based on a lie, it will be a harmful decision - because the lie will catch up with the liar and the hurt will cover a lot of people. If I can know at the onset of the lie, then I won't make any big decisions based on that lie and can save myself a LOT of hurt later on.

[Mr Spock]

Oh goodness I don't know if I COULD tell her. But I could make him do it, someday eventually.

 

I'm sure she's a very nice person, and that is worse than the whole revenge inspired thing because it pangs my consience.

 

I can see on this thread that EVERYONE would want to know-but no one thinks that my MM's wife should find out. It's kind of weird.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Yes I would want to know. That would be a handy piece of information for my attorney and the arresting officers--they may be more sympathetic to me if they had also been victims of cheating. Besides, the more info I provide to the detective to gather hard evidence, the faster he will be able to get the evidence and the less it may cost me, and hopefully I would be aquitted in court.

 

Maybe I'm kidding about the violence, and maybe I'm not. I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would be enraged if I found out my husband had cheated on me.

 

But I always want to know the truth. If I make a decision based on a lie, it will be a harmful decision - because the lie will catch up with the liar and the hurt will cover a lot of people. If I can know at the onset of the lie, then I won't make any big decisions based on that lie and can save myself a LOT of hurt later on.

 

Please don't "kid" about violence. I used to date a man that would tell me "No judge in the world would convict me if I killed you" whenever past wrongs and hurts were brought up in an argument.

 

 

I fully agree with your reasoning that one needs to be able to make desicions that are based on truth though. I am hoping that as time passes I will feel less hurt and angry and if I DO make the decision to have her find out it won't be based on my need to let the whole world know I'm hurting.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Oh goodness I don't know if I COULD tell her. But I could make him do it, someday eventually.

 

I'm sure she's a very nice person, and that is worse than the whole revenge inspired thing because it pangs my consience.

 

I can see on this thread that EVERYONE would want to know-but no one thinks that my MM's wife should find out. It's kind of weird.

 

Who's your MM's wife? I'll tell her.

 

IF I ever made the decision to become an OW (I can't fathom my making that decision though) I would not hesitate to tell the MM to tell the wife or I would and if he didn't then I would. Let her take her anger and bitterness and hatred out on me. I would deserve it. If the MM didn't come to me and stand with me after that I would probably be heart-broken, but again -- deservedly so.

 

I know that is easier said than done, but I have certainly paid my dues for my decisions (and will again), and I've gone through some very painful times dealing with the decisions I have made and feeling sorry for myself. I contemplated suicide a couple of times because I hurt so much and I was blaming everyone but myself and then when I took responsibility for my decisions I felt even worse---for a while. But it was good too because I was finally feeling in control and able to make better decisions. Life-altering decisions. Knowing what I know now, I probably would have made some different decisions back then----but doesn't everyone feel that way about parts of their past?

[Mr Spock]

Hokey, that is how I am feeling. Let them both hate and rage on me-it would be easier than him contacting me down the road when things are bad, or someone else-which would be just as hard to watch. I most certainly deserve her hate and rage.

 

But I don't want it done out of a need to hurt, I don't want to be the "drama queen". He won't come "stand beside me" more likely he won't speak to me again.

 

Is it really wrong of me to want him to be HONEST if he cares for her so much? Is it wrong of me to want to get this off my chest and stop hiding? If things are going so well in his marriage he should be prepared to fight for it now, instead of taking the easy route through humping someone else.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can see on this thread that EVERYONE would want to know-but no one thinks that my MM's wife should find out. It's kind of weird.

 

Of course, the majority of husbands and/or wives would like to know if there partner was cheating regardless of who delivered the information. Then again, there are still those few who would rather look the other way because they are afraid of having to deal with the situation.

 

I think, when it comes to the affair partner appointing themselves as the messenger, than one can't help but question the motive or intent. Very rarely does it have anything to do with "sympathy" for the unsuspecting spouse…Particularly since "sympathy for the other spouse" was never a consideration at the onset of the affair. It's difficult to convince anyone that the affair partner has suddenly "switched sides" just because they are now the one feeling jilted. You can not turn an adversary into a team mate if that person was never aware in the first place that they were even involved in the game.

 

It becomes a question of "motive." Does the affair partner want to tattle on their married partner for "revenge"… or to instigate a break-up between the married couple in hope of forcing one's hand?

 

It's a lose/lose situation where there are no winners.

[Mr Spock]

Yeah I know. Either way I'm a stone cold b*tch who was humping someone's husband. But that doesn't really bother me to be viewed that way.

 

I would LOVE for Hokey to tell my MM's wife. I'd just be too embarassed if any of them knew I had been crazy enough about the whole thing to post it on a forum. I think if I do I'll give him the option to tell her first.

 

Just in case any of you weren't aware the affair is actually over-he was feeling too guilty and scared and now wants us to be "just friends" who have put our common horizontal past behind us (his words) and it's actually kind of funny because I was looking for a way to tell him how I felt-I could feel him withdrawing and was panicking that I wouldn't be able to tell him face to face, and was hoping to ask him-and kick him out if the feelings weren't returned. I was beaten to the punch on that, by forcing him to admit he'd been avoiding me. The thing is, he's still sexually attracted to me and vice versa. Blah. What a mess. I will certainly never undertake something like this again. I was just instantly and deeply attracted to him. Still am, can't even hate him in person. Made me laugh as he comforted me when I was crying.