Would you want to know?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Here's a hypothetical that you may not have considered. It actually happened to a friend of mine!

 

Upon telling the wife that her husband has been cheating, the wife responded: "Yeah, I know. He's had several flings, but as long as he's still paying the bills I could care less. We just don't talk about it. After all, when everything's said and done, he always comes home to me…"

 

The OW never did get her closure OR her revenge. Instead, she felt even WORSE upon discovering she had been doubly duped!

[EnigmaXOXO]

PS...for the sake of total and complete HONESTY...I should admit that the "friend" or "wife" was my own mother.

 

She was upset that my father had his third affair, but was so financially dependent on him that she was afraid to leave. But she wasn't about to give the other woman the satisfaction...and there was much truth in what she said. They argued though it (again)...the affair ended immediately after (it was on its way out anyway) and my parents still remain married to this very day.

 

My mother's a freakin' SAINT. Unfortunately, I didn't inherit her intestinal fortitude...but often thought if it ever happened to me I'd like to handle it the same way. Then I'd clobber my husband with a frying pan AFTER I hung up!!

[HokeyReligions]

I have heard of others (friend of a friend type thing) where the wife knew her husband was cheating and didn't care. She was getting what she wanted out of the marriage. If that is the case, it would seem like that would relieve some of the guilt the OW feels. There was a story some years ago that was based on the letter an OW sent to the wife of her MM after he broke things off. I think the story ended with that couple staying together and the OW moving on to another MM and repeating the pattern. I know it was based on a true story, but I don't know if the ending of the story was true or fiction. It made me think of what kind of letter I would write though.

 

Actually, one friend of a friend is a man whose wife was/is cheating. He didn't care as long as she took care of the house and kids and was 'available' for him when he wanted. She was a good hostess and parent and they were comfortable with each other and didn't seem to need the passion in their life. The thing is - they all KNEW that there were affairs. There was no hiding it. Discretion is not the same as deception.

 

I don't know if I would want to say face-to-face. I might write a letter (possibly avoiding a physical attack by the MM's wife!) Maybe something like this: (this will tell you how I feel about telling her too)

 

[font=courier new]Dear MM's wife:

 

I am a coward for telling you like this, but I think you deserve to know. Your husband and I had an affair. The affair has now ended. I do admit that part of my telling you this stems from my own weak emotional need to hurt him, but also because I am trying to reclaim some part of my long-absent self-respect. He cheated on you with me. He admitted to me that I was not the first. I have serious doubts if I will be the last. This will put your health in jeopardy. I have no diseases and I want to reassure you of that now, but I there is no knowing about the next woman he encounters.

 

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you are feeling. I wish that I had been an honorable person in the first place and not had the affair, but it is too late for that now and I have no excuses or justification. I am sure you must hate me. I deserve whatever horrid things you think of me. There are no words that I can say, or write, that could possibly help you to deal with this, with any less pain.

 

I told [insert MM's name here] that he must tell you the truth by [insert a date here] or I would. He promised me that he would tell you and I hope that as you are reading this, you already know the truth. If he has not told you, then I am heartily sorry that it is coming from me first.

 

He told me that he regrets our affair and loves you and wants to make your marriage work. I hope that the two of you can do that. I am going to counseling to help myself get past this and to understand myself better and so that I never repeat such a vile mistake. I hope that counseling will also help the two of you to reconcile, or part amicably with as few scars as possible.

 

I am very, very sorry.[/font]

[Mr Spock]

Hokey, that's a great peice of writing.

 

How is it that you captured what I wanted to express?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Beautifully done Hokey! I agree, you rock!!

 

You know, if I were the unsuspecting wife, I would absolutely love to receive a soul-felt letter like that. Not only would I find it easier to forgive my husband's mistress, it would also serve as undisputable proof of adultery and may help expedite a speedy divorce (if that were my resolve). As a matter of fact, it may even be enough evidence to subpoena the OW as a witness to testify in my behalf. It would most certainly serve as a true indicator of character and intent on the OW's part.

 

For example: if she were indeed regretful and repentant, and wanted to confess simply for the sake of clearing her good conscience, then she should have no problem following through with her confession and standing behind her resolve to come forward in court. However, if it were an act of revenge or spite, being drug into the divorce proceedings, and even deeper into the mess, might serve as a good lesson (one that she nor the cheating husband would soon forget.) Especially if the other woman "doesn't care" how anyone thinks of her, as our poster has already indicated.

 

Girl, you're absolutely brilliant!!...Or maybe you haven't thought out the all logistics that far in advance…and I'm the one that's devious.

 

After all, if you're gonna go out, may as well do it with a BANG!

[Mr Spock]

I don't appreciate your sarcasm. I am well aware that those are some of the potential repercussions that I could encounter.

 

 

I just wish I could get over this, fast.

 

Let it be a lesson to any one person contemplating starting an affair with a MM or MW you get to hurt and can do NOTHING about it at the end and they get to go on living as if all were normal.

 

Just seeing her (or him) ruins my damn day now. Really. I was out grabbing a grease bomb and I happened to see her going into a store up the road-I had to go home.

[EnigmaXOXO]

No sarcasm intended. I absolutely ADORE Hokey and always enjoy her posts. She has my utmost respect because of the wonderful way she handles problems and her ability to maintain her sense of humor in spite of adversity.

 

As a matter of fact, I wish I were more like her!

 

And I'm glad you are carefully considering all the potential repercussions, this time. Thinking ahead will serve you well in the future and I have no doubt from your posts that you will eventually walk away with a very valuable life lesson from this. I know it sucks, and I know it hurts. I don't think anyone is taking that away from you. Sometimes, no matter how "fair" we play, or how well we think we have things all figured out, life decides to take a big dump on our heads, anyway. Life and people are sooooo unpredictable.

 

Then…there are those times when we naively set ourselves up for the drop (I've done it myself) and find ourselves standing alone in the stench when it comes time to clean up the mess. That sucks too, but if anything its a darn good way to learn self-reliance and how to be your OWN best ally.

 

…by the way. What's a grease bomb???

[Mr Spock]

I thought you were being sarcastic-it's hard when you can't hear the tone of voice.

 

 

I flip flop honestly, from between wanting to wash my hands and move on to hurting and angry and guilt and confession. That's why I like to post here-helps clear my headspace.

[Mr Spock]

Grease bomb=greasy burger

[julie1971]

if he was having an ongoing thing then yes...

if he just did something once then no... unless he continued..

[thecake]

to also think about how many women STAY with their husbands when they find out they were cheating....and then go on to make the husband miserable for years because the trust is gone. See? Most people are saying they would want to know but then the marriage is so messed up.

[julie1971]

yeah i agree...things can never be the same again. no matter how hard you try.....

in my opinion anyway.

[Mr Spock]

It's day 4 of no contact for me, and it's hard. I like to be able to express my feelings and I know I need to cut him off completely-cut him out of my life. No friends, no nothing. It's just so HARD not to want to hear from him.

 

I want to tell him exactly how I'm flip flopping on f*cking up his life. I want him to be scared. Not that I WOULD-I just want to make him sweat a little. I can't have him, I can't tell her, I just get to sit here and suffer-can I at least have that? Or should I continue on with the no contact.

 

I'd want Hokey to write that letter anyways. Are you still reading this thread? Can you write something that says "You'll be lucky to get out of this without your life being severely f*cked up?"

[thecake]

The one who cares least has the most power. Trust me.

 

Continue the no contact even if it's killing you. The best revenge is to not give him the time of day. It will kill him. You will regret it if you send him a letter telling him that you have the power to screw up his life. He already knows this and it will just make you look like the psycho other woman.

 

I know it's tough but hang in there.

[Mr Spock]

It is killing me. Not because I hope to rekindle but because I want him to know exactly how bloody angry I am about this whole mess.

 

I just have these periods of "craziness" where I just have this rush of emotion about the whole thing. It's compounded by actually seeing one of them.

 

 

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!! I need to have a fling or something to work this out of my system.

[MsOutdoors]

Im almost in the same position as you are Spock! This is my first

post here but I just had to sign up to reply. I was/am involved

with a MM for over a year. He had been with other women before me.

I didnt feel so bad at first because his wife HONESTLY was just a b--h.

She is very controlling, and verbally abusive, while he is

calm, gentle, and laid back. This is not just MY take on things;

their own friends and family say the same things.

He says he got married mainly because she got pregnant. They now

have 3 kids and have been together for 15 years. He says he will

never leave home because of his kids. He has said that if she

left him, he would be there to take care of his kids. I admire this, but at the same time resent it. He has been good to me, and tells me he

loves me. (yeah..i know i know) I DO love him..but my resent of

his situation has caused such arguments between us. I know im a fool..he has been with other women in his life..and when they have asked

him about why he stays if his life with his wife is so miserable, he has said the same thing. that thats the way it is, and if they couldnt accept it, they should move on. . Well, we are on our way out..the relationship is pretty much over. i am know dealing with the same feelings spock is. How am i going to deal with this? I feel im such a loser..this guy will now move on to someone else.

[MsOutdoors]

I guess im angry because he has always been so matter of fact

about things. Its like..how can HE get involved with people, tell them he loves them (he says he has only told one other woman that besides me)

and yet can end things easily if need be? Well i suppose i know

the answer..he HAS someone at home. Even he admitted it was easier

if you have someone at home. I feel like such a loser that i am

sitting here all depressed over SOME ONE ELSES's man. We got into a fight and he is now refusing to speak with me or deal with me at all.

I know i should say..oh well i had no reason being with this man anyway.

I dont know..no matter HOW much he was adamant about how he

would never leave home, i wonder if a part of me thought that if i loved

him enough, and didnt treat him like his wife did, that he would

see the light? In the end, i still ended up being somewhat like her

(jealous, insecure) because of the situation. Ha..jokes on me, huh?

 

Keep posting spock..i need to know how you are coping.

[Mr Spock]

How are you going? Haven't had an update-tried to follow you on the other thread but it was being bombarded by junk...

[Mr Spock]

I am bringing this to the top because some time has passed and I'm feeling calmer-I have discussed this with several people and most seem to think that she should know. I think she should too but I'm afraid of what will happen.

[Fayebelle]

YUP -tell me- sooner the better!

[Dilema]

Hi Mr. Spock, I know that you posted this quite sometime ago, but I was just curious how things worked out.

 

I am in a similar situation right now, except that (1) I had no idea she existed, (2) they are not married yet. Because they are only engaged I feel like I am more obligated to tell, BEFORE there are kids, legal issues, and assets to divide.

 

Anyway, I hope you are hanging in there, and have come up with a decision that you are comfortable with.

[StillHurtin]

Not only b/c I wouldn't want some disease, but he has already had and A and if he has another, his a$$ will be kicked to the curb. I don't give 3rd chances.

I would of rather heard it from someone else that dh was having an A than from the OW. I honestly don't know what I would do if OW called and said she was sleeping w/ my dh. Would I give her he!! or would I just start bawling???? I don't know. But I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of hearing me pi$$ed or hurt (if that is what she was wanting).

[ianniegirl]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I am bringing this to the top because some time has passed and I'm feeling calmer-I have discussed this with several people and most seem to think that she should know. I think she should too but I'm afraid of what will happen.

 

 

If men and women were exposed and made to choose we would not have to put up with all the crap from them. This is just my opinion.

[clipper412]

hello mr spock... i hope you read this.... i wanted to send you a private message but i couldn't for whatever reason so i hope you read this becasue i'd really like to hear back

 

it's amazing how similar of situations we're in! i know you started this a few months back... but lately i've been dealing with the same exact thing you have...

 

i am the OW and i want to tell his fiance what's been going on.... i don't know her or anything about her.. but i tracked down one of her friends and she listened to me without being judgemental and informed me that they were getting married... soemthing i had NO IDEA about.... she helped me and told me i needed to tell her and she gave me her phone # to call.... so i tried to call her and she never picked up.... so i then called him to break it off.... i ended up telling him i found out he was engaged and that i was going to tell his gf/fiance becasue she had a right to know..... he got very furious with me.. saying it's between him and her and she doesn't want to know because it'd destroy her... and then he ended up calming down and telling me he wants to still be my friend......

 

basically right now i'm at a crossroads... i don't know what to do..... and after reading this thread it's helped in a way but i'm still confused....... what did you end up doing?? did your choice make you happier or are you still confused???

 

i decided i couldn't call her up and tell her now since i already called him and told him what i was going to do..... my friend helped me write a anonymous letter and we haven't sent it yet. i'm still debating whether or not i should / can send it....

 

i'm scared.... i don't know what consequences i have to look for after i send it and if she receives it..... will she know that i really wrote it and just think that i'm a psycho stalker girl and it'll be easier for him to play into that and continue lying? or what will he do to me???

 

honestly i dont' want to break them up... i dont' want him with me at all..... i honestly feel so much guilt for what i've doen and i'm more than ready to admit my wrong in this situation but he obviously isn't... and even though this has been goign on for a very long time... if i would have done this any earlier it would be for the wrong reasons.... i know he'll hate me if she gets that letter and i'm ok with that.... but i think from one human being to another.... she should know...

 

so i'm just wondering what you chose to do in the end and how it's helped you???? i need all the help / advice i can get! i don't know if you saw my 5298925892 other posts on here saying this same exact thing but i'm just so suprised i found your thread that was basically a mirror image of what i'm dealing with now so i really wanted to talk to you!

 

please get back to me if you read this! thank you!!!

[honey2005]

If my husband was cheating on me I would definitely want to know. I would rather it be through the husband, but if I found out through the OW I would be more angry at him than at her. The letter Hokey wrote was great and I think that deep down his wife would be somewhat grateful that you showed her what has been going on. I know you're hurting right now and I'm really sorry .