people pleaser Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 I have a problem, I am a people pleaser, sort of a slave to anybody who likes me. I cannot say no to them, I feel terribly guilty refusing to do things for them even if it is against my best interests. Actually I don't care about my interests, it's like my mission in life is to please others. I guess it's connected to my childhood, when my mother got very angry with me if I didn't do things her way. Anyway, I just wonder how I can overcome this behaviour of self-sacrifice. I am about to destroy my marriage trying to "save" my friend. Thank you for any advice. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 It sounds like you need some serious self-esteem! Or some assertivenes training I used to never be able to say no at work because I thought I would get fired (and I've always lived one check ahead of the street) but I did take an assertivesness course ) oddly enough, at the expense of one place I worked at) and it really did help at ;aerning to say no, especially the role playing we did. Try and find a course in your area...it might help Link to post Share on other sites
change is easy Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Time to grow up. What you are describing is the behavior of a 10-year old abused child. Once you get past 18, you are responsible for your life. Why live the life of an abused child? No one will love you for it and you will lose their respect as well as your own. The fact that you are posting this publicly is good, it means you are aware that you have a problem. Now fix it. And quick. Actually, changing this self-destructive behavior is easy. You just decide to do it. It takes about a minute. What's hard is keeping at it. For that you need some tools. You need to rehearse in your head different ways to say no. Here are a few... "I don't feel comfortable doing that." "No, I don't think so." "I just don't feel it would be appropriate for me to do that." "Sorry, but I'm going to have to say no." and the ever popular... "I need some time to think about it." Will everyone love hearing this from you? No. They are likely to push back. They want the old floormat friend that they can step on whenever they want. So your job is to state your position and move on with your life. It's up to them how they react to the new, healthy you. If they care about you, they will understand your position and respect you for your decisions. If they don't care about you, they should not be a part of your life! One last thought. You are not doing people any favor by being their lap dog. They cannot grow into healthy adults if they are abusing someone. If you really care about them, you'll stop enabling their destructive behavior. Good luck with your new healthier life! Link to post Share on other sites
packersgirl Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Wow change is easy, that was kinda harsh. I wouldn't say its time to grow up. Some people are natural people pleasers. Whether they are 10, 18 or 50, the people pleasing mentality will never leave. The people who are like that were born that way, I think its God's way of balancing out the world. I am a people pleaser. I have always been one. I used to be a doormat and let people walk all over me, but it just got to the point where I realized that I was only hurting myself more by allowing people to do that. I'm the kinda person who will set aside any feelings I have to make someone happy, do anything to bring a smile to someones face, and do just about anything for a friend. Its still tough to say no, but it has to be done. You don't need to overcome your self sacraficing behavior, just learn to grow with it. Although your natural tendency is to put others before you, you need to realize that you need to take care of you. That includes your needs, your relationships.. your life! Once you've figured that out, then pleasing people becomes less stressful and more rewarding. Link to post Share on other sites
simplybrill Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 First off change is NOT as easy as some would make it out to be, especially if that takes working on not being such a people-pleaser. Instead of worrying over saving your friends' day, trust that they can do what's needed on their own. There's nothing wrong with offering your help, but keep it at that, so that you're not taken advantage of. Some people are givers and some are takers, you dont want to get caught up in a cycle of giving giving giving, and end up attracting leeches for friends that will inevitably suck the life out of you. I used to be a big time people pleaser and I got walked on enough times that it just turned me into a selfish so and so, because I was mad that people thought I was too sweet, too helpful, so I stopped reaching out, stopped helping. Now im working on opening up again, just not too much that I get walked on again. Hope this helped some, if any. Link to post Share on other sites
msrealdoll Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Any time you want to change your behavior, it takes practice. You have to be patient with yourself. This is how I stopped being a people pleaser: Say no to just about every request people make of you. If you're unsure, say no, just to be safe. Tell your friends that you're doing some behavior modification, and you aren't allowed to do people favors for the time being. Do this until you get used to the feeling of living for yourself. After you've gotten to that point, you can start doing a few things when you feel like it, and when you know it won't interfere with your other priorities. This is the method I used while in therapy, and it worked like a charm. I feel much better about myself for having done it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts