A break up and a huge mess

[confusedandregretful]

I really need advice on my recent break up (yesterday). I have spoken to family and friends - and they believe my now ex is completely wrong for me and that I've effectively dodged a bullet. I would like to hear what outsiders looking in think. The thing my friends and family think I deserve someone who will praise the ground I walk on...they don't believe in people making mistakes... I think people do and if its right its ok to forgive.

 

We've been together five months. In this time frame we had one other break up that lasted less than 24 hours...but things weren't the same after this. I was left with low self confidence and no longer trusted his feelings.

 

Every emotional milestone reached in the relationship was his doing. He told me he loved me (unprovoked by me I was happy to not introduce the L word yet), he even said he figured he'd never get married until he met me - he said he has never felt this way before. And yet - yesterday he told me he can't settle down at 23...he does love me but knows this is not the right time for him to be wanting marriage. He's still curious and wants to see what its like with other girls.. he said basically he wished he met me later in life because this was the real deal. He told me he knew he'd look back and know this was a mistake but he can't help it - he needs to see what's out there and if he feels that way it won't work.

 

To complicate things the guy has severe depression...the past month has been quite rocky for him and by extension for us. My shock and hurt after the first break up (as it kind of came out of the blue due to a sort of depressive episode that he couldn't get a handle on) took its toll....My once confident self began seeking validation..and I would ask if this is how he really felt...if he really preferred to be in a relationship etc...to be honest I think my questioning pushed him away.

 

Deep down I am intelligent and educated. I know enough to know that he did love me...and perhaps saw glimpses of a future together that could have been good. I do think we have a special connection - I'm a romantic and I'm not sure I'm ready to completely move on - I'd like to try again but I know there needs to be time apart and that getting right back into it would just lead to the same outcome.

 

I'm beginning no contact as of today - 30 days (we are in the same professional school and will have to see each other all summer as we'll have class) unfortunately I did send an email last night that I regret sending...in reading it I've made it sound that I think we shouldn't be together, that we'll both move on, and that this is right - I feel I've essentially done too much damage with that. I just felt I needed to let him know that although I love him and I do want to try I'm not so lovesick and psychotic that I think now life is over..and I know its not I just want to pursue something that I think could be good and is special.

 

I guess I need any advice I can get.....I wonder if no contact will work to at least keep him thinking about me in a positive light. To be honest, I think no contact is the best bet because it can potentially create the space he needs to really get a hold on his feelings and maybe get us back together - OR at the very least it'll create space for me to get over it and buck up. From a guy's perspective is this even possible or worth salvaging? He has told me I'm his best friend, the only one he can really talk to - will time apart make him realize "wow what was i think obviously this was special and it was enough" or will he just continue on and not admit that perhaps this was a mistake.

 

Because we will be in constant contact in the summer I suggested having coffee right before school begins so we can get the initial awkwardness and first meeting over with not in front of classmates or friends. He agreed and I think this would be best - school is demanding and stressful enough.. to deal with the first sighting of an ex over and over would be a nightmare and neither of us can afford to be that distracted.

 

So....yeah any thoughts would be appreciated...do you think there's a chance? Should I stick with no contact even if he messages me?

[TaraMaiden]

you both seem to be handling this in a mature manner, and to be honest, it looks less of a 'mess' from "out here" than it does "in there"....

 

I think you're right to get a prep coffee together, to avoid awkwardness. That shows an adult and responsible approach....

 

I can see his point... 23 is very young for someone to be considering settling down with one exclusive partner... but that's a a view coming from a 50+ year-old mum, so take that as you will...

 

I think your family and friends are looking out for you, and their opinion as to whom you should be going out with is commendable - but dare I say it, a little rosy-spectacled.....and you yourself point out you're a romantic, but i'm sure you must already have found out, Mills & Boon and Hollywood chick-flicks are wonderfully uplifting fiction - but fiction nonetheless....

 

the choice is very simple - but I think personally it's an easy one to make:

you can either tell him you're happy to wait until he contacts you, and see if he wants to try again further down the line, but you promise to not contact him or interfere, impose or make demands on his time... and in the meantime you keep your head down, focus on your studies and build your confidence and self-esteem up too..

 

or -

 

you can count this as over, because if he's not a 100% willing to commit now, it won't be a fulfilling relationship; so you separate, he goes his way, you go yours, and you date other people and find yourselves.

 

there is no perfect, romantic wonderful soul-mate who will always and forever worship the ground you walk on.

there will however, be a man who wants the same things you want, and will be willing to work as hard as you are, on developing, nourishing and cultivating a healthy, loving relationship.

and i think you need to be prepared to find him, or recognise him when he comes along.

but this guy isn't him....

so have a coffee, be grateful for how far this got you, enjoy the fact that this break is 'amicable' and level-headed - and go get some life, because there's a whole lot of it out there just waiting.