Do they know what they are?

[Itsonlyme66]

One day, Jack brought a tape recorder home. One of those mini ones you can hide. He showed it to me and said he wanted it for work.

 

???

 

Then, a few days later, he came home and said he taped me the previous day while I was here all day. The weirdest thing he got was me singing to the cats and talking to myself around the house.

 

The thing was, I asked WHY he did that and he said he wanted to make sure the recorder worked so he was testing it.

 

what a complete load of crap! He had it in the bedroom where I do my work and the computer sits.

 

Anyhow I let it go. As you know by now, to "not" let it go would be a bigger pain than letting it all go.

 

But I remembered the recorder was there. And Jack never took it to work either.

 

One day, when he was being particularly enraged and it was directed at me over something that we could have easily resolved, I clicked it on. I got every nasty name, threat, etc. including his raging mood, on the machine. (Think Mel Gibson.)

 

My mistake? I told him a few weeks later when he was being mean that I had it. He went to the desk drawer, took the tape out of the machine, and stomped it into 20 pieces with his workboot. Then he handed me the pieces and said, there you go!

 

So, do they know?

[TaraMaiden]

Honey - quit.

 

Quit with going all over the past, stay in the present and plan for your future.

 

You posted 6 long, detailed pain-filled posts, because you wanted to make sure you remembered everything.

you clearly didn't - and so, i have to ask - how long will you keep this up?

 

I'm saying this for your own good...

Post personal progress, not memories....

it doesn't matter any more what he is, what he was, what he did, or why.

see, you'll never get honest answers, form him - and we'll never be able to fill the gaps for you.

you'll never be able to second guess, read minds or find any justification for his actions, or any foundation to the way he treated you.

 

Please.... don't keep turfing up all these memories and pasting them here.

It's ultimately hugely self-destructive.....

[Itsonlyme66]

If he saw this link, would it help if he saw he had a problem?

 

I'm not sending it,but I just wonder internally if it would help him, help us.

 

We co-deps worry about the "hims" and the "us-es".

know I have to ultimately worry about me. But I feel like I should try to salvage the 6 years even though I have no idea where he's living.

 

I have NOT made contact, and I would like that acknowledged because it's been incredibly difficult.

but other than that, I will try to focus on me the best I can.

[TaraMaiden]

If he saw this link, would it help if he saw he had a problem?

No.

Because a person with a problem has to see it for themselves, acknowledge it, own it, and do something about it for themselves. 'Seeing he has a problem' would do absolutely nothing.

 

I'm not sending it,but I just wonder internally if it would help him, help us.

Hold it right there....

 

there is no 'us'.

You are not 'us' any more.

It's over.

 

We co-deps worry about the "hims" and the "us-es".

know I have to ultimately worry about me. But I feel like I should try to salvage the 6 years even though I have no idea where he's living.

No.there's nothing to salvage.

you cannot re-coup any time lost, because we cannot turn back the clock, and we cannot undo what was done, or replay what was played.

"The Past is OVER. forgiveness means giving up all Hope of a better Past."

the only thing you can do to the past 6 years, is use them to build on. learn from them, and channel everything positively to make you a stronger person.

no contact after such a cathartic experience, or writing so much, is not too bad, because there are many responding and lending support.

but you have to want to really do this, for yourself.

not him.

 

He can gain nothing from you doing this.

'No Contact' WILL get harder. But ultimately, it will heal you far more quickly than any inclusion of his input or attempt to gain his interest, even if it's to point out his possible flaws.

That won't work.

but really - you know that already - right?

[fallenenvy]

I don't think they know.. or care... until they are ready to at least.

 

I know my abuser never knew or cared. In his mind he was the victim and i was some horrible monster and i deserved all the bruises he gave me because i "drove him to it"

 

But really.. it doesn't matter if they know because we do. We know they are damanged and their view on themselves, you, and the world is horribly skewed.

 

I understand why you are posting the memories... it's difficult to get past all the crap he put you through.. but you need to move on and worry about yourself and not him. and NC is the way to go...otherwise he will continue to screw with your head.

[Itsonlyme66]

I'm on day 6 of complete NC.

working through it in my head.

 

the memories creep up. Just need a place to post them is all... to "validate" myself I guess.

 

I am starting to concentrate more on myself. already starting...

[TaraMaiden]

try what i did once;

buy a big pad of lined paper.... the moment you have a negative thought, or reminiscence that you know - you just know - is demoralising, debilitating or impeding your progress - write it down.

the moment you have a good thought about yourself, about what progress you're making, how much better you feel about yourself, write that down too.... but on a different piece of paper.

 

in the evening, before you go to bed, take all the negative sheets, and wherever it's appropriate - put them all together - and set fire to them.

and as you burn them, say to yourself -

 

"You're history.

I'm done with all that, you're not going to bother me any more.

I'm taking my life back, and i don't need you to weigh me down.

you're hateful, negative, unnecessary and I refuse to even give you headroom for one more day. "

 

watch it all burn, let it all blow away into the night breeze, and then write one last positive thing about your day, on your 'good' bit of paper:

 

"Today I shed a whole load more baggage. It felt good, and it's all gone, AND I'M GLAD.

i am not that person any more. i go to bed with a lighter heart, and tomorrow is a brand new day."

 

Keep those in a file marked, "I am so special, and here's why...."

and sleep on it.

[BewitchedandBothered]

An immature man will not accept they did anything wrong; as far as they are concerned, it's your fault and you brought in on. When you say 'us', do you mean you would consider giving him another chance? You are doing good on NC==please keep doing that. you owe it to yourself to have no more contact after all he has done. How much more can you take? I recall you mentioning you have a co dependent side==saying 'us' brings that to light.

 

He is of no more use to you than a wart on your thumb. A good way to heal is to use the thread "post here instead of contacting your ex'. It is in the Coping section. You can get it all out safely and keep your dignity about you. Vent, anything you need to and do so safely.

 

Your ex is in denial if he thinks he did nothing wrong. Trust me when I say you do not need that in your life==especially if you have kids. They pick up on that and think it is acceptable behavior.

 

The wound is still very raw, but you have made it this far with no contact.

[Itsonlyme66]

Still going strong.

they are my kids.

I have them part of the time.

They are busy in their lives with their friends, sports, etc.

And he would never fight in front of them. You know, the PDisordered people save that for a Party of One.

8 days NC and going strong.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Still going strong.

they are my kids.

I have them part of the time.

They are busy in their lives with their friends, sports, etc.

And he would never fight in front of them. You know, the PDisordered people save that for a Party of One.

8 days NC and going strong.

 

Right on! You're doing it and doing so for your inner peace:)