Want her back as a friend or more

[confusion_is_my_name]

I had a year-long affair with a married woman and we recently broke it off. We were in love with each other and the affair was not just sexual. We were also close friends.

 

Lately, her husband has started treating her better and she understandably wants to focus on her marriage. She wanted to call off our affair to which I agreed. I assured her that I respect her decision and I am not going to fight it. The understanding was that we would remain friends.

 

However, her subsequent behavior is confusing me. She is ok if we chat online but doesn't want to meet in person.

 

On one hand she says she made the decision recently and is worried her mind may waver if we meet. On the other hand she says she has strongly made up her mind to discontinue our relation. She says she doesn't trust me enough since we were recently seeing each other.

 

Is it that she doesn't trust herself to stick to her decision and her feelings for me may get rekindled? Also, is she using our chats to allow herself to get over me? I wouldn't want to accord her that luxury.

 

I am wishing for one of two outcomes. Firstly, if her marriage is successful, then we continue to be good friends. Or secondly, if her husband's change proves temporary, she comes back to me. Note that I am not putting my life on hold for the second possibility. But if it does happen and if I am available, I would be open to it.

 

What would be the best way to proceed? I could stop all contact with her and let her work on her marriage. And if it is unsuccessful, let her come to me. This seems to be the fair thing to do but I could lose her friendship forever. Also, if her marriage is unsuccessful, what if she doesn't come back to me since we aren't even talking?

 

I've been fretting over this for several days now and cannot decide what to do. Thank you for any thoughts/suggestions...

[bentnotbroken]

I had a year-long affair with a married woman and we recently broke it off. We were in love with each other and the affair was not just sexual. We were also close friends.

 

Lately, her husband has started treating her better and she understandably wants to focus on her marriage. She wanted to call off our affair to which I agreed. I assured her that I respect her decision and I am not going to fight it. The understanding was that we would remain friends.

 

However, her subsequent behavior is confusing me. She is ok if we chat online but doesn't want to meet in person.

 

On one hand she says she made the decision recently and is worried her mind may waver if we meet. On the other hand she says she has strongly made up her mind to discontinue our relation. She says she doesn't trust me enough since we were recently seeing each other.

 

Is it that she doesn't trust herself to stick to her decision and her feelings for me may get rekindled? Also, is she using our chats to allow herself to get over me? I wouldn't want to accord her that luxury.

 

I am wishing for one of two outcomes. Firstly, if her marriage is successful, then we continue to be good friends. Or secondly, if her husband's change proves temporary, she comes back to me. Note that I am not putting my life on hold for the second possibility. But if it does happen and if I am available, I would be open to it.

 

What would be the best way to proceed? I could stop all contact with her and let her work on her marriage. And if it is unsuccessful, let her come to me. This seems to be the fair thing to do but I could lose her friendship forever. Also, if her marriage is unsuccessful, what if she doesn't come back to me since we aren't even talking?

 

I've been fretting over this for several days now and cannot decide what to do. Thank you for any thoughts/suggestions...

 

 

Suggestion.....leave her alone before her husband finds out and comes looking for a bit of justice. If you want her as your friend, go tell her husband so he can decide if you are a friend worth having for his wife.

[whichwayisup]

I had a year-long affair with a married woman and we recently broke it off. We were in love with each other and the affair was not just sexual. We were also close friends.

 

You two crossed lines and boundries, so whatever 'friendship' you once had before the A is LONG gone. I get that you miss her and what you two shared, but things are over, she's chosen to focus on her husband and reconnect with him. As much as that hurts you, she has every right to change her mind, end things with you and be with her H only.

 

Lately, her husband has started treating her better and she understandably wants to focus on her marriage. She wanted to call off our affair to which I agreed. I assured her that I respect her decision and I am not going to fight it. The understanding was that we would remain friends.

No friendship can happen because of the affair. Any friendship now is will harm their marriage as what you two share is a selfish friendship - One that is dangerous to her marriage and does harm to you as well. One cannot be 'friends' with someone who you still have feelings for too. It just isn't healthy for obvious reasons.

 

 

However, her subsequent behavior is confusing me. She is ok if we chat online but doesn't want to meet in person.

 

She probably can't handle seeing you and dealing with your sadness and reaction, hearing how you hurt since she ended the A and seeing you face to face will just make her feel bad. If I were you, I would end ALL contact with her so you can begin your grieving and healing process. Keeping intouch is only prolonging your own pain and giving you hope that one day she'll come back to you and start the A again.

 

On one hand she says she made the decision recently and is worried her mind may waver if we meet. On the other hand she says she has strongly made up her mind to discontinue our relation. She says she doesn't trust me enough since we were recently seeing each other.

 

So, respect her decision and back off. Tell her goodbye too and ask her to respect YOUR decision to stay in NC mode. You two CANNOT be 'friends'. It just won't work!

 

Is it that she doesn't trust herself to stick to her decision and her feelings for me may get rekindled? Also, is she using our chats to allow herself to get over me? I wouldn't want to accord her that luxury.

 

She is chatting with you still so she can feed her ego and feel good. Those affair feelings can be addictive, so even hearing from you online, feeds her needs, like you're still part of her life, albeit so tiny, but enough to feed the intensity and drama from before.

 

I am wishing for one of two outcomes. Firstly, if her marriage is successful, then we continue to be good friends. Or secondly, if her husband's change proves temporary, she comes back to me. Note that I am not putting my life on hold for the second possibility. But if it does happen and if I am available, I would be open to it.

 

Are you available to settle for second fiddle and continue the affair? Or are hoping she'll finally wake up, divorce and be with you?

Sorry, but you're in a bubble and chasing a fantasy. How is being friends with her a good thing since she chose her husband over you? Where is YOUR pride and ego in all this? Get pissed off and put yourself first. her life is going on...

 

 

What would be the best way to proceed? I could stop all contact with her and let her work on her marriage. And if it is unsuccessful, let her come to me. This seems to be the fair thing to do but I could lose her friendship forever. Also, if her marriage is unsuccessful, what if she doesn't come back to me since we aren't even talking?

 

Stop all contact. Tell her you cannot handle a friendship, that it's selfish and unfair to both of you and to her husband. Tell her you love her but you are going on with your life. TEll her to contact you when the divorce papers are signed and it's a done deal - Only then will you consider 'dating' her and getting to know her in a healthier and proper way. Anything short of that is JUST an affair and she gets to have TWO men meet all her needs!

 

I've been fretting over this for several days now and cannot decide what to do. Thank you for any thoughts/suggestions...

 

Take time to read in this section and also in the infidelity section. Put yourself in her husbands shoes too . How would YOU feel if you were married to her and she was lusting after and having an affair with another man?

[findingnemo]

Confusion,

 

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you should let people DO what they want to do. She has told you she wants to work on her M. Let her do it. Let her give it her all so that should it fail she'll be with you because she's sure that's what she wants. On your side, let her be. You don't need a person in your life who claims to "love" you but acts like she loves her H. At this point, you are a side thing, at least that's what you were. Do you want to be the second choice? Does she deserve your love when she's giving hers to someone else?

 

It's actually not very difficult to do what you need to do. By wondering what she's thinking, you are 1) ignoring her words, and 2) assuming she is incapable of making a decision. Either option is wrong. Listen to her words! Assume she is intelligent enough to understand what she needs to do and has made a decision based on that.

 

At the end of the day, she is M and that is a bond that's very hard for you to break. Only she can do it. You need to find someone who loves ONLY you. Wouldn't that be something?

And your future? Live your life. Do interesting things, hang out with your friends. If she thinks you're better than her H and she decides to stay with him, that's her loss. Realize that there are some things you can't control and how she makes her decisions and why are some of them.

[whichwayisup]

Lately, her husband has started treating her better and she understandably wants to focus on her marriage. She wanted to call off our affair to which I agreed. I assured her that I respect her decision and I am not going to fight it. The understanding was that we would remain friends.

Really read this paragraph over and over again.

 

Honestly, how does it make you feel? Used?

[jwi71]

Well, it seems inherently contradictory to say you want her to work on her M and that you'd "take her back" IF she leaves her H.

 

You can't want her to work on her M and envision a future together.

 

Figure out what you want (work on her M or be with you) then act accordingly.

 

If you want her to work on her M then immediately cease and cut off all means of contact. She is lost to you forever, irrevocably and immediately.

 

If you want a future with her then immediately tell her H in graphic detail of your sexual exploits with his W. obviously the goal is to end the M and since she has yet to, maybe he will Hopefully, he'll make the decision for her since she has not. And, is it not telling that, after all this time with you, she STILL hasn't filed for D and moved out?

 

And let's face it, she can't continue to have contact with you and "work on her M".

 

And just as an FYI, what's wrong in her M is her! It's not only her decision to cheat but her inability to work on her issues with her H in a healthy manner.

 

So, what'll be?

Continue the A?

Tell her H and maybe you get her full time.

 

Choose one.

 

And yes there is of course a third option.

Do nothing. Continue as things are now.

(I wouldn't expect much to change though, it'll be more slow emotional suicide).

 

Your life.

Your choice.

Your consequences.

[RickFox]

Well...

 

I speak from experience, I can fully relate to what you write, only thing is, you're single, I am not.

 

So I ask, selfish much? Read what you wrote, it's all about you, not about her, not about her marriage. She isn't yours, she never was, and she probably never will be. Would you want someone else banging your wife or gf while you're off at work? I bet not. Yet here you are, involving yourself with another man's wife and you're okay with that?

 

"Whichwayisup" had it right, read that little section of yours and ask yourself if you feel used, if not, you should.

 

My xMW told me she loved me so much, moreso than anyone she'd ever been with, BUT, that she still loved her husband. This was said right after intense hot mindblowing sex. REALLY?!, Yup, still loved him....warning flag right there...I was there for whatever need she wasn't getting at home, so are you.

 

Now that her need is being met, i.e., he paying more attention to her, she WILL shut you out. She is shutting you out, she is trying to be nice to you but you are nothing now, consider yourself, your 'relationship' dead. Sure she might rebound, come running back to you, but her H will see her slipping, pay attention again, then she's back to shutting you out and you feeling lost and anxious again. Her time with her H, far outweighs your year long affair.

 

I've learned this as I should have been the one to do it so I'll tell you, walk away, look back once, and shut that damn door. Keep your dignity and if and when she ever leaves her H, then you can plan whatever you want to do.

 

Until then, cut all contact, you can never be friends, you will NEVER be friends ...not since you engaged in the A, that's the truth and you know it, you just don't want to admit it. Let her live her life, no matter how she treats you, how much you loved her, let her go........

[East7]

I had a year-long affair with a married woman and we recently broke it off. We were in love with each other and the affair was not just sexual. We were also close friends.

 

Yeah that's how it feels, been there, done that. What I can tell you brother is that if she really loved you that much she would have wanted to be with you !

 

Lately, her husband has started treating her better and she understandably wants to focus on her marriage. She wanted to call off our affair to which I agreed. I assured her that I respect her decision and I am not going to fight it. The understanding was that we would remain friends.

 

Are you really so naive to think that you two can remain friends..? come on..

 

It took so little, that her H treats her better and she threw you like a used rug? That's how much she loves you ?

 

However, her subsequent behavior is confusing me. She is ok if we chat online but doesn't want to meet in person.

 

On one hand she says she made the decision recently and is worried her mind may waver if we meet. On the other hand she says she has strongly made up her mind to discontinue our relation. She says she doesn't trust me enough since we were recently seeing each other.

 

Not trusting you is "womaneze" for blame shifting. You are now the bad guy, the guy who can't be trusted..That's all BS..believe me.

 

She is ok for online chatting but not meeting you ? Jeez...How about becoming her puppy? She is only telling you that she is ok to keep you as a side dish...and you are not even a sexual side dish..you are there only to fill her Ego when she needs attention and is bored.

 

 

Is it that she doesn't trust herself to stick to her decision and her feelings for me may get rekindled? Also, is she using our chats to allow herself to get over me? I wouldn't want to accord her that luxury

.

 

An you are right about the luxury..if you have some dignity don't even talk to her.

When a woman tells you she wants to work on her marriage believe her ! She is not saying this for fun.

 

 

I am wishing for one of two outcomes. Firstly, if her marriage is successful, then we continue to be good friends. Or secondly, if her husband's change proves temporary, she comes back to me. Note that I am not putting my life on hold for the second possibility. But if it does happen and if I am available, I would be open to it.

 

If you think that way..yes, you are putting your life on hold. She is telling you that she is chosing her H over you and you are still offering yourself as a second choice ? How can you still strust her? She threw you under the bus and she was not even busted..Her H doesn't know. No external reason forced her to end it with you. It means that she was done with you.

 

What would be the best way to proceed? I could stop all contact with her and let her work on her marriage. And if it is unsuccessful, let her come to me. This seems to be the fair thing to do but I could lose her friendship forever. Also, if her marriage is unsuccessful, what if she doesn't come back to me since we aren't even talking?

 

That's an utopia. Plus it means that she threw you once under the bus and you are always ready to take her back. If you have some dignity left that is not what you'd want for yourslef.

 

She had 1 year to decide if she wanted to be with you ! 1 year ! You gave her a chance, you waited, you don't owe her anything anymore.

 

I've been fretting over this for several days now and cannot decide what to do. Thank you for any thoughts/suggestions...

 

I have been in your shoes. She will be talented to string you along and feed you with nice words and you will get the bait but you will only have empty words. She told you she's not going to divorce, believe her!

 

The only option you have is to walk with dignity. Don't stay there for her whenever she wants you back (online). Cut her off..go Radio Silence, No contact !

[sad puppy]

You let her go to work on her marriage. The reason is two fold...First, she can't truly focus on her M with you in the picture. This needs to be resolved one way or the other and you don't want to impede that. This is for the greater good. Second, she needs to FEEL where she truly is. You don't want her having even some of you to smooth over her rough spots. She made a choice and she needs to feel what her life is without you.

 

You tell her that you respect her decision and the position she's in and you feel it is best to put the friendship on hold right now so she can put her focus where it needs to be. You tell her that if things change, she can contact you. You tell her that although this is a hard decision, that it's what you feel is best and that you wish her the best.

 

This leaves the door open (not sure if you're going to want to leave that door open long term, but you'll figure that out for yourself). She may get angry that you're pulling away, but that's okay. It's part of the process. She may try to make you feel guilty, like you're abandoning her. If she does, that just sort of points to her level of selfishness and should speak for itself.

 

THIS is your new mantra! Memorize it, embrace it, tell yourself this every single minute of every day. I've read that the outside person in an affair just makes it EASIER for the WS to stay married. Just walk away, buddy. Do it.

[Meaplus3]

This is pretty simple. Friendship after love and a affair with a married person.. really is a no..no. So, It might hurt like holy heck for you but you must say bye bye for good. This woman has a family and let her be with them. Its the right thing to do. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

[wannabdone]

I agree with everyone else here. She made her choice to work on her M. And if you truly feel like her friend, then you must respect that wish and leave her be. She needs to have the full understanding that the choice to work on it, means she doesn't have you in ANY way.

 

I think you are trying to bargain with yourself and make your self okay with certain things so you can continue to have her in your life. This is typical part of the grieving process.

 

She is unavailable. She is not choosing you, she is choosing her H. As much as that hurts, its the harsh reality.

 

I wish you luck!

[wannabdone]

One other thing.... not trying to t/j. But just an observation. How if this was a OW posting this very same thing, how man ppl would be all over this telling them how much of a scum of the earth they are.

 

Not saying you are Confusion, I just find this interesting.

[nofool4u]

I am wishing for one of two outcomes. Firstly, if her marriage is successful, then we continue to be good friends.

 

Nope. Unacceptable.

 

 

Or secondly, if her husband's change proves temporary, she comes back to me.

 

If she comes back to you if her husband's change is temporary(as if the responsibility for her to be faithful falls on him), then your desire that she comes back to you means your first outcome is unrealistic. Because you can't be friends with someone you want.

Even if you didn't want her any longer, it is still unacceptable for you to be friends with her, and her respect her husband at the same time.

 

 

What would be the best way to proceed? I could stop all contact with her

and let her work on her marriage.

 

Yes, because there is no working on the marriage as long as you are still in the picture.

 

 

And if it is unsuccessful, let her come to me.

 

If you want to be the back burner guy, 2nd fiddle, thats up to you I guess.

 

 

This seems to be the fair thing to do but I could lose her friendship forever.

 

There is no friendship here. And if she stays with her husband, you need to be out of the picture, COMPLETELY.

 

 

Also, if her marriage is unsuccessful, what if she doesn't come back to me since we aren't even talking?

 

Then it will prove that you were just something to have fun with on the side for excitement.

 

I've been fretting over this for several days now and cannot decide what to do. Thank you for any thoughts/suggestions...

 

Fretting over what? The possibility of not being able to have a cheater in the future? If she will cheat with you, she'll cheat on you.

[maybealone]

My guess is that by staying in the picture in any way, shape, or form, you will be helping her stay in her marriage even if it is less than perfect. As long as you are filling whatever void that needs to be filled, even as just a friend, her husband won't have to. By taking yourself out of the equation, I think it could help force her to see the marriage for what it really is without you skewing her judgment.

 

Obviously that means there is a chance that you might never have her back in your life, but to me I would think it would be worth it to find out for sure that (a) she does belong with her husband or (b) she is choosing you after giving the marriage her best shot without any interference.

[wannabdone]

my guess is that by staying in the picture in any way, shape, or form, you will be helping her stay in her marriage even if it is less than perfect. As long as you are filling whatever void that needs to be filled, even as just a friend, her husband won't have to. By taking yourself out of the equation, i think it could help force her to see the marriage for what it really is without you skewing her judgment.

 

Obviously that means there is a chance that you might never have her back in your life, but to me i would think it would be worth it to find out for sure that (a) she does belong with her husband or (b) she is choosing you after giving the marriage her best shot without any interference.

 

 

you are spot on!!!

[Pink_orchid]

Haven't checked in here for about 7 months! Still the same ol' problems! To the original poster (Confused is my name), I see some good advice here. I do think staying away (no contact) is your best bet and gives her chance to see clearly and you a chance to recover and find yourself again.

 

She might stay with her husband, she might not, only time will tell, but as some others have said it's better you get on with things for now. See if you can stick to 30 days no contact and see how you feel then. Saying to yourself NO CONTACT FOREVER is pretty difficult. I know. So take it slow. It's hard, but all that focusing on you stuff really does help and gives you space and a new perspective. It won't get her back being all sad and depressed, and needy, will it. However if you look and feel a million dollars, and have a packed exciting life, keep busy with friends and interests, first off it will keep your mind off her, second she might miss you and contact you, and third you might meet someone else!

 

There are people on here don't forget who are betrayed husbands and wives who ostensibly offer advice but have their own agenda and pain. They quite happily will tell you that the affair was nothing, no love was involved, there is no hope, there never was, and what a terrible person you are for wishing she was there with you now, etc etc, just take it with a pinch of salt. No one who is 100% happy and fulfilled cheats, Period. And certainly not for a year. That is a long time and she obviously cared deeply.

 

You can't do anything at the moment but focus on yourself and see what that brings! My advice, leave her alone and fill your life with things that make you happy, and see what happens.

[Owl]

There are equally other women who post on here with THEIR own agenda and pain.

 

And...BS's and OW that post with an honest attempt to help.

 

Can't say that I appreciate the intent to discredit some of the advice that's been given.