My Mother In_law

[asiamarie]

I don't think my mother in law likes me at all . I think the only reason she puts up with me is because i have her Grandson She puts on a front when she speaks to me on the phone and all she wants to here is hows my little one doing and oh i went to the store and i bought him this and that and she keeps it all at her house for when he comes their to see her . which is once a month it used to be every weekend until he turned 3 and she can't handle him any more and plus she has another grandson now whos a baby so she can baby him now. When we get together for the holidays or something and we come over she ignores me like i'm not their. Until the family leaves and the only people left are me and my husband to be. I also have two other children from a previous marriage whom happens to be bi-racial and at first she didn't think to highly of that she didn't want anything to do with them or me until she found out i was having her first grandson and my husband told her if she doesn't straighten up she will never see her grandson. So now she tells me she has changed and she is not racist anymore that i have helped her see the other side. Bull i was raised by a father who didn't believe that blacks and whites should mix and he still feels this way even though he has two bi-racial grandchildren and he hasn't changed so i don't believe that my mother In-law could change over night and this proves my point when she comes over she doesn't talk to my other children unless they speak first and when his parents go out for dinner me or the children aren't invited because her excuse is I tried to call but you weren't home. I say bull to that because i am always home and she never calls unless she wants to talk to her grandson or she is bored and has no one else to talk to so she will then call me and try to start a conversation .... Just a year ago her nephew passed away in a car accident and she called her son (my husband) and told him and not me i had to here the bad news from him and when it came to the funeral i could come only if i had a sitter for my children because they where not aloud to be their. so I got to go for a few minutes then had to leave then they had a dinner after and i had to stay at home because no kids were aloud i told her that i had a sitter and she told me that he should be at home with his mother and she doesn't trust anyone to watch him..... but because we are not married yet i am not family until we are .. My mother in laws mother just passed away she was a good women too. but in the obit she told me she had to put me in the obit somewhere so she put me as a friend. I was alittle hurt by that...... I am blowing off steam here and if anyone has any advice to give me about this i could really use it right now. I know i probably make no sence but i am mad because my future husband won't say anything to her and when i talk about her he gets really mad . Like i should not say anything about her....[font=times new roman][/font][color=blue][/color]

[TreeHugger]

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Asia...wow! I feel for you! You are in a tough spot!

 

My experience with my mother-in-law has been much of the same. However, with my mother-in-law, instead of buying the children gifts and keeping them....she buys my husband gifts and keeps them!!!

 

Anyway, this has been an issue that finally I had to let go of before I completely went crazy! I realized that the only person in this crazy relationship I have control over is myself, and that is exactly what I changed....my interactions in the relationship. I no longer make an effort to engage her in our family life. I have minimized the time we spend with her (i.e. holidays, vacation time, etc. ) However, my husband continues to have regular contact with her--in fact is taking the children to see her this coming weekend...I will relish the time at home alone! It has been easy to minimize as she lives four hours away.

 

I have shared my feelings with him, and have let him know that for my sanity, I can not engage with her as much as he does. He said he understands, but is unable to discuss it any further. It is his "mom" and he loves her regardless. I can appreciate his feelings and don't want to alienate him in our relationship. I could go on for hours chewing on my husbands nerves about the things his mother does that just drives me nuts!!! but in the end nothing will change. She is still his mom...agghhhh! But at the end of the day, I go to sleep next to my husband, and complaining about his mom did not do one bit of good.

 

I'm sorry she has not embraced your two other children... to me that is just wrong! Children deserve to be accepted unconditionally! And I have no suggestions regarding this....other than to protect them from her negative presence in their life. I too have children from a previous "life" and have not encountered this. I would too would be irate!! My momma bear would be takin people down!!! Hee hee

 

In addition, I made my decision to protect my sanity, not to show her and others how stinkin crazy she is....so I disengaged in a completely non-threatening / non-confrontational manner. I did not want to bring additional stress into the larger family picture. She is my son's grandmother, and I do respect her.

 

I would like to get a perspective from a mother-in-law...hmmm. That would be interesting.

 

I didn't mean to ramble so much...but the mother-in-law thing does get to me too! I hope it gets better for you and your beautiful children!!!

[asiamarie]

Thanks for the reply . Now I know i am not alone in this but she just erks me sometimes and my husband won't listen to me because he thinks his mom is perfect. I feel like I am second best in his life and there's nothing i can say or do to change that. and i shouldn't say second best make that the third . As far as my children they will be fine without her because they do have other family whom cares for them its a shame that my mother is not around she died 3 years ago and they where the light of her life i just wish they had a grandmother that felt the same way my mother did. I look at it this way I am still here and as long as i am on earth i will love them unconditionally and i am all they need right now until they grow up and find a husband and a wife of their own.

 

Thanks for your thoughts having someone to talk to is nice.

 

Asia

[Samantha16]

I had issues with my bf mother. She's insane. Really, I believe she has mental issues. She would do/say things to put me down and especially put my friend down. (My friend goes out with her other son) She once told me she wants to slit her throat (talking about her sons gf). And let me tell you, she did nothing wrong.

 

Everybody knows she's wrong/weird/crazy/ and has unexeptable behavior, but guess what? They wont say a thing. We've come to the conclusion that they're scared of conflict (including her husband on this one, you would think he'd try to straighten her out).

 

But when I was at my boiling point, and affended that my bf wouldn't stick up for me, my father said that blood runs thicker than water.

Basically, he'll always choose mom over me. Maybe that's how it works with everyone. Maybe they know the mother is wrong, but to say something would cause conflict, and they think if they keep quiet, the conflict wont get any worse. At least that's how my bf explained it to me.

 

I feel for you and your situation. Read my post in breaking up. My brother left his gf but might go back, and my parents want NOTHING to do with her AT ALL. But she has kids that are close to my brother and parents. I think they should consider that before shunning her. (But I know where they're coming from, she's crazy). But for the sake of my brother and her kids, I will treat her with respect for as long as they stay together. What do you think about how my parents are handling the situation?

[asiamarie]

this is to samantha....

 

I had a conversation yesterday with my man and I asked him why his mother felt the way she did about me and he replied by saying if I were to take better care of her Grandson and take better care of the house she would probably like me more and girl i went off the wall... I said to him did she really say that he said no but i know what my mother thinks and I said I do a wonderful job but because I don't treat him like he's the king of the world doesn't make me a bad mother and also my house is always clean but I guess its not good enough for her because everything is a germ to her if you have one spot on your dishes she won't eat from you. So anyway my man and I got really mad at one another because he doesn't like it when I talk about his mother and its true I guess if I were in his shoes I would react the same but I would approach the issue a little different I would try to see his side and my mothers side of the problem and try to help one another solve there problems ..But Not this one he thinks his mother is doing nothing wrong... Like yesterday I had to take my middle daughter to the doctor and my mother IN-LAW had my son i tried to call her from the doctor to let her know that I will stop by to pick my son up but she was not home well since she lives real close I thought I will stop by anyway to see if their home and they were but she had already took my son home but the thing is when I came to her door she never invited me into her house and I think it's because she's afraid that my daughter might give her a disease or something because she new my daughter was at the doctor. That women is sick the one thing that really upsets me is when she allows her other grandson over even when he had the flu virus but when my children get sick they have to stay away .. Now tell me I think that is pretty sad. She's a b**** and you know what I would love to tell her how i feel someday.....

As far as your brother and and his girlfriend and your parents I don't know what to say to that because you already know how i feel about mine (mother IN_LAW)

and I don't want to give bad advice to someone else but I think your doing the right thing by excepting her back into the family until she makes another mistake that might hurt your brother again and your family.

[MrGlider]

This thread has a lot of mother inlaw stuff in it. My mother and father inlaw ruined my marriage. My wife could not admit the abuse they put on me even when the counseller told her and agreed with me! In fact, the more my (soon to be x) wife learned, the more she discovered that she had caused a lot of the problems also!

 

Husbands and wifes are supposed to LEAVE their parents and CLEAVE to each other. Everyone else is secondary to the marriage. NOBODY should interfere and the married couple should NOT seek advice from other family members about marital problems. Separation - as I discovered- is almost impossible for some people. But, how do you tell your spouse that you do not want to socialize or talk with their parents? It's a hopeless situation unless the parents are confronted by the married couple and the couple agrees on how things should be and BOTH tell the parents how things are going to be. A united front is the basis for a marriage and without it, things are hopeless.

 

In my recent case, my wife is still craddled in her mothers arms and she likes it there. To bad for me...