tell me im not alone- !

[confused14810]

This is my very first post here ever and I hope to find people I can relate too. First oMy brother and her are sepperatedff, my three children and I live the the man that i cheated with when I was married. I left my ex for my bf. My bf loves my children and says he does love me. One problem though- he keeps cheating on me! He tells me they are just friends but they have a history. He has even spent the night with her on occasion when we have fought but insists nothing happened. She has told me different and I tend to believe her. I have told him that I am insecure about all the contact he has with her but he brushes me off. I love him more then I ever thought possible. I left a nine year relationship for him and now feel like I've been kicked in the gut. He has continuously cheated on me for the last two years. Only physically twice that I know of but the emotional abuse is constant. I dont want to leave him and I dont want him to leave me. Oh to put a real good spin on thinds- the OW is my sister in law. My brother's own wife so yeah I have to have contact with her. My brother and her are sepperated but he wants to try and work things out. they have children together. He is currently in jail and asked me to support her and the kids. My bf put her in a trailer right next door! She is my neighbor and that is where he is now. He is telling me he is just helping her move. I have told him countless times how much it hurts me when he leaves with her because I dont trust him. She has told me she is a single mother who will do anything to get what she needs for her and her children and I believe her. She told me point blank that she does not love him but will continue to use him as long as he allows her to. Please someone tell me that he will see that soon because me telling his is not having an effect at all. I dont want to lose him I love him- but I dont want to turn into his mother either. His father is not faithful to his mom and has never been. She is still with him. Tell me please that my bf can and will see the truth.

[nofool4u]

This is my very first post here ever and I hope to find people I can relate too. First oMy brother and her are sepperatedff, my three children and I live the the man that i cheated with when I was married. I left my ex for my bf. My bf loves my children and says he does love me. One problem though- he keeps cheating on me!

 

Well what did you expect? You cheated on someone, now you are being cheated on. If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. That would go for you too given the chance.

 

All aboard the karma train.

[Quiet Storm]

He knows that you don't value fidelity. You cheated on your husband with him.

 

He doesn't respect you, and knows that you are capable of cheating, lying and being sneaky.

 

He doesn't see a reason to be faithful to a person with your character. In his mind, that would be a waste.

 

You will probably say that you only cheated because your marriage was dead. Or that your husband was neglecting you. Or maybe he's an alcoholic. Whatever the reason, you rationalized away your values and gave yourself permission to cheat.

 

And you will probably say that your connection with this guy is so strong, that you would never cheat on him. I'm sure you feel that your cheating wasn't related to your character, but your circumstances.

 

You ended your marriage and changed your whole life for him! He should appreciate that! He should see how much you love him by the sacrifices you made for him!

 

Sorry. It doesn't work like that.

 

He doesn't respect you because you have shown him what kind of woman you are capable of being. He can't risk being faithful to you, and doesn't see you as being worthy of his fidelity.

 

In addition, he has major character issues as well, which is why he had no problem sleeping with another man's wife.

 

You can't expect someone that willingly does something so low, to magically change into a person of integrity. He has already accepted this about you. Now it's time for you to accept that about him.

[findingnemo]

This story makes a certain TV show come to mind. Your kind of cheating man will never see the truth. At least I doubt it. He is cheating on you with your brother's wife!!!!

 

Either you accept him as he is, or you leave him. If you stay and want him to stop seeing your SIL, tell everybody, your whole family, your brother, etc.

[skywriter]

Confused,

 

I agree with everything that has been told to you so far. It is hard to swallow I know.

 

It may be that you are a very loyal woman to this man, despite how you began your realtionship and I'm sorry that you are experiencing this from him.

 

He isn't going to change for you and he feels no guilt for what he's putting you through. He won't just wake up and see the light. In fact, he is blatantly doing it in your face.

 

You know what is best for you, getting your life in order and moving out , having all contact cut off with this person.

 

It is a painful lesson I know, but, you can start over and never be involved with already committed people. That's the best way to stop this gut wrenching pain you are experiencing, and to feel better about yourself.

[Fitz]

Comparing the OP to my own Ex-Fiance':

 

Some women engage in cheating because they believe that they have found their star-crossed "soul mate." So these women justify a temporary lapse in morality upon the belief that once they get the man (their supposed "soul mate), then they will never cheat again.

 

The problem is that often their "soul mate" is more interested in having sex than anything else. These type of men just play along with the "soul mate" thing in order to obtain sex.

 

But as soon as he finds a new woman willing to engage in a physical relationship, then he's off to the next hook up. Then charade of the "soul mate" and of the "one true love" is over.

[East7]

He knows that you don't value fidelity. You cheated on your husband with him.

 

He doesn't respect you, and knows that you are capable of cheating, lying and being sneaky.

 

He doesn't see a reason to be faithful to a person with your character. In his mind, that would be a waste.

 

You will probably say that you only cheated because your marriage was dead. Or that your husband was neglecting you. Or maybe he's an alcoholic. Whatever the reason, you rationalized away your values and gave yourself permission to cheat.

 

And you will probably say that your connection with this guy is so strong, that you would never cheat on him. I'm sure you feel that your cheating wasn't related to your character, but your circumstances.

 

You ended your marriage and changed your whole life for him! He should appreciate that! He should see how much you love him by the sacrifices you made for him!

 

Sorry. It doesn't work like that.

 

He doesn't respect you because you have shown him what kind of woman you are capable of being. He can't risk being faithful to you, and doesn't see you as being worthy of his fidelity.

 

In addition, he has major character issues as well, which is why he had no problem sleeping with another man's wife.

 

You can't expect someone that willingly does something so low, to magically change into a person of integrity. He has already accepted this about you. Now it's time for you to accept that about him.

 

I maybe a little off topic, but I don't agree with you QS !

 

You are making a very strong generalization.

1. Just because she cheated on her H to be with xOM doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve any respect or fidelity from him.

2. Because she is with her fOM, you assume that every OM in this situation should have zero respect for his former MW and would necessarily cheat on her !

 

Well as fOM, I can tell you that if I happened to have a real relationship with my now xMW, I would NEVER disrespect or cheat on her.

 

I don't think OP's bf/xOM loved her enough at first place...SHe always loved him more than he loved her IMHO. She left her M for him. Not many MW do that..I just think her fOM/BF is an a$$..

[Quiet Storm]

I maybe a little off topic, but I don't agree with you QS !

 

You are making a very strong generalization.

1. Just because she cheated on her H to be with xOM doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve any respect or fidelity from him.

2. Because she is with her fOM, you assume that every OM in this situation should have zero respect for his former MW and would necessarily cheat on her !

 

Well as fOM, I can tell you that if I happened to have a real relationship with my now xMW, I would NEVER disrespect or cheat on her.

 

I don't think OP's bf/xOM loved her enough at first place...SHe always loved him more than he loved her IMHO. She left her M for him. Not many MW do that..I just think her fOM/BF is an a$$..

 

East-

 

1. I am not saying that she doesn't deserve respect or fidelity from him. I am just offering what I think his thought process may be- why HE doesn't think she deserves respect or fidelity. Some people pay attention to what people do- not just what they say.

 

2. I am not assuming that every FOM would have zero respect for her- but this one obviously does not respect her. And if you ask them, most men would not want a former cheater for a partner.

 

I think it's wrong to judge on looks, or race, or gender. However, I think it's okay to judge someone based on their actions. If you cheat, the natural consequences may be that some people don't respect you.

[nofool4u]

I don't think OP's bf/xOM loved her enough at first place...SHe always loved him more than he loved her IMHO. She left her M for him. Not many MW do that..I just think her fOM/BF is an a$$..

 

Funny, her xH could say the same about her, no?

[confused14810]

I have read everything you guys have written and yeah it is a hard pill to swallow. Quiet Storm, Your words hurt but I realize that the only reason they do is beause you can voice the words that I cannot. It has taken me three years, almost four, to realize that even though my my divorce was painful, he views my decions in a complete different light. He sees it as me cheating and I see it as falling in love with the one who I thought was my soul mate. But can someone tell me why then I get strong opposition from him when I tell him things aren't working out for us and I want to leave? He goes as far as telling the kids that I dont love him and that I want to break up the family. He tells the kids that he loves them and me and doesnt want us to go that I want to hurt everyone. It upsets my children so much that they wont speak to me and tell me and him that they wont leave with me that they will stay with him. I think its ****ty that he involves the kids because he knows I will never tell the kids that he is cheating on me. I do not want to put him in a bad light concerning the kids because they do love him very much. Other then his inability of keeping his junk in his pants he really is a great guy.

[Quiet Storm]

The reason he doesn't want you to leave is because he probably wants both- you and the other woman. I am sure you meet some of his needs, and he would prefer that you continue to do that, while he gets his needs for excitement & variety elsewhere.

 

What you said about him & the kids- that is wrong. He is being manipulative. He is saying stuff to the kids to try to keep you in your place. He wants to be able to do what he wants, without hearing any complaints from you. When you call him on his crap, he is telling the kids so that you will shut up about it. He knows that you don't want him talking to the kids about it - so he is using them as a tool to manipulate you. Grooming you to be the kind of woman that just sits there and takes whatever he dishes out.

 

It doesn't sound like a healthy environment for your kids. Just like he is manipulating you, he is doing it to them, too. He's using them as pawns against you. These are YOUR KIDS. It is your job to protect them from toxic people.

 

He doesn't sound like such a great guy. He sounds like he might be nice as long as everything goes his way and nobody questions him or holds him accountable for his actions. A person's true character is shown when they are under stress, such as when he gets caught cheating and how he responds when confronted.

 

If he truly had a good character, he would not want to turn your kids against you. He would want your kids to feel loved by you. He would tell them what a great person Mommy is and how lucky he is to have her. He would not intentially say things to upset them. He would do his best to nurture and protect them, not purposely say things to hurt them.

[confused14810]

It has taken you two days to figure out what took me four years. This is going to sound real sad and pathetic but do you think things will ever change? let me rephrase that- do you think he will ever change and become the man I fell in love with again? I know there are other men out there and have been hit on. I cant cheat on him to give him a "taste of his own medicine". For some stupid reason I dont want to be unloyal or unfaithful to him even though He has no problem with cheating on me. Can a man fall in love(if that is what it was), cheat with an ex girlfriend, and still love his current girlfriend? Arg......Sometimes I feel so confused and cheated! Im not looking for someone to tell me what to do I am just looking for answers to why and if it is possible for change. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me what to do. I dont know! I feel like Im being pulled in thirty directions.

[alexandria35]

It has taken you two days to figure out what took me four years. This is going to sound real sad and pathetic but do you think things will ever change? let me rephrase that- do you think he will ever change and become the man I fell in love with again? I know there are other men out there and have been hit on. I cant cheat on him to give him a "taste of his own medicine". For some stupid reason I dont want to be unloyal or unfaithful to him even though He has no problem with cheating on me. Can a man fall in love(if that is what it was), cheat with an ex girlfriend, and still love his current girlfriend? Arg......Sometimes I feel so confused and cheated! Im not looking for someone to tell me what to do I am just looking for answers to why and if it is possible for change. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me what to do. I dont know! I feel like Im being pulled in thirty directions.

 

Confused, lots of people can change and many do but only when they have a strong personal desire to do so combined with actions that they are taking to make change happen. I have spoken often here about the longterm relationship I had with an alcoholic. I spent nearly 8 years waiting on him to stop drinking. I tried everything to make him see how much better life would be for him and for us if only he would stop drinking. At the time I didn't see how hopeless it was because lots of people stop drinking. As a matter of fact there are a few alcoholics in my family that have been clean and sober for years. So if they could stop and change, why not my SO? Well the short answer to that was BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO! My alcoholic family members didn't stop drinking because it made everyone else happy, they stopped only when they realized that the alcoholism was causing them way more pain than pleasure. I don't think your bf is feeling much pain from his cheating, especially since you have shown such a willingness to put up with it. You want us to tell you that cheaters can change and become faithful loving partners but even if we told you that, what's that got to do with you and your boyfriend? Even if we could list the names of hundred of cheaters who stopped cheating that doesn't mean that your boyfriend is going to stop. My alcoholic SO never stopped drinking even though thousands of alcoholics become sober and stay that way.

 

Your bf is NOT a great guy. He is cheating on you with your brother's wife. Thats disgusting and if thats not despicable enough, he also uses and hurts your children in order to manipulate and control you. Seriously think about that. You can't cheat on him to give him a taste of his own medicine? Why would you even say that? Nobody here has suggested that you play that sick little game. Nobody here has said that you should be disloyal or unfaithul to him. Why are you even thinking along those lines? Are you hoping to win a turn on the Jerry Springer show? My suggestion would be to stop wasting your time on a cheater who has no respect for you. Pack up your **** and leave him. Take your kids and go. Then hightail yourself into counselling so that you can understand why you cheated on your husband and ultimately left your marriage for a cheating pig.

[confused14810]

It is sad and I feel like dirt because I let it happen. I let it slide the first couple of times and that is my fault. I let it slide so that I didn't hurt my children- now I gotta let it continue so they don't get hurt still. What happened to me? How did I let myelf get so controlled? What happened to my self-esteem?

[alexandria35]

It is sad and I feel like dirt because I let it happen. I let it slide the first couple of times and that is my fault. I let it slide so that I didn't hurt my children- now I gotta let it continue so they don't get hurt still. What happened to me? How did I let myelf get so controlled? What happened to my self-esteem?

 

So you're going to stay with this creep and blame that poor decision on your kids? I think you are staying because that's what you want to do. If the sight of this guy sickened you (which it should) I'm pretty sure you would have no problem kicking him to the curb. I mean when you left your husband that was all about you wasn't it? You didn't stay with him for the good of the kids. And if you really did care about what was best for your kids you wouldn't be subjecting them to this kind of dysfunction.