Unscientific poll about OW: who started it? Who ended it?

[BrighterWashing]

Just kinda curious because his ex OW was predatory and is not accepting he dumped her.

 

How often does the OW chase or initiate the affair vs the stereotype of predatory male?

 

How often does she get dumped vs she ends it?

 

Thanks in advance!

[findingnemo]

XMM started it with a very long pursuit. I ended it - I couldn't take it anymore. If it were up to him, it would have continued to date.

[RickFox]

Ok,I'll play.

 

My xMW told me that when she found out I was the father of her daughter's best friend she was excited, she wanted to talk to me, said she was too shy but that she noticed me every day we waited in the school lobby. She had her daughter give mine a bday invite and was happy when my wife and I showed up. She approached me and not my wife and started making playdates.

 

After a year or so, she asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her and then told me she thought I was hot. When I reciprocated and told her I felt the same, SHE suggested we skip the lunch and "have some fun and see where it goes." She asked what I was thinking and when I told her I was wondering what it'd be like to kiss her, she climbed in my lap and kissed me.

 

After dday, we still saw each other for a bit, but then she turned on me, and she ended it first and I told her goodbye, then she bombarded me with texts, begging me and when I responded she played for a bit and then went off on me again. She suddenly reconnected with her H and then told me to leave her alone so .......there it is, she initiated, I foolishly followed, and she ended it.

[half_ofa_heart]

XMM started it with a very long pursuit. I ended it - I couldn't take it anymore. If it were up to him, it would have continued to date.

 

Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[U472439]

hard to say who initially pursued who, because we very into each other. after a couple of months of flirting but never connecting physically, I cut things off with my xMW, didn't contact her for a week. Then, out of nowhere, she showed up at a concert I was playing, and that's when things *really* started. In that sense, she pursued me.

 

8 months later, her H was snooping through her emails, bank statements, etc, and found things that didn't make sense. She eventually confessed what was going on, and that was essentially the end. She cut off contact from me the day after we had sex for the last time. Given that, my guess is we'd still be seeing each other had the H not found out.

 

It's weird how the worst news can end up being the best.

[nonamefornow]

He pursued aggressively.....and 'ended it' because he thought he was going to have a heart attack with the 'pressure'.

 

10 months later he is still in almost daily contact, can't keep away so long as no pressure!

[mzdolphin]

Just kinda curious because his ex OW was predatory and is not accepting he dumped her.

 

How often does the OW chase or initiate the affair vs the stereotype of predatory male?

 

How often does she get dumped vs she ends it?

 

Thanks in advance!

 

XMM told me he was divorced. Pursued me like he was single. I ended it. If I had not ended it we'd still be having an affair.

[bentnotbroken]

Mr. Messy did the pursuing, so he started it. I ended it by outing them both. He initiated the whole mess.

[sad puppy]

Ok, here's my scoop - we became friends on facebook, through mutual friends, 11/09. Then I went to a concert and posted about how great it was. Then 2 months later he sent me a private email on fb, asking that I let him know when this artist would be back in town. I had received 4 other emails from people asking the same thing, so I just made a mental note. 2 months after that, lo and behold, a concert was announced for 4/10. Sent him an email and gave him the details. He responded that he was going to try & make it. He then told me, after we met, that because I never responded to his initial email, that he thought I wasn't responding to him because he was married, ... So already he was projecting some type of "relationship" or "thoughts" going on, when after all we had never met, just another facebook person. I, frankly, never thought about responding, but remembered the people that wanted to know about the concert.

 

He emailed that he got a ticket, I already knew from his facebook page that he was married, and didn't know if he was coming alone or with his wife, so I just forwarded the details about a bunch of us going to dinner across the street first, and then on to the show. We actually had gone to 2 grade schools, 1 high school, and 1 college together but never knew each other, so there already was a built in familiarity.

 

He arrived ALONE. Bam, it was game on. We completely hit off, ... He had been intently scoping out my pics on facebook and he could recite them, who was in them, what I was wearing, ... Said he had read all my posts and felt that he knew who I was. Hmmmm, ... Anyway, we had a lot in common.

 

Had an affair for 1.5 years, turmoil ensued, lots of fighting, my tears, he went into MC, blah, blah, ... Finally he & his wife decided amicably on a divorce but then, he confessed. More major league drama, he moved out, he's been moved out for 7 months so far. I saw him 4x during his separation. He is/was in IC. I got majorly annoyed with him, he was being wishy washy, emotional ups & downs (as my fellow LS'ers warned me). I walked away from him on Jan 1. I needed to do it for my mental health, so painful. Weird, ya think he moves out and it's all hearts and roses, not so fast. Just too much pain, tears, confusion.

 

NC since Jan 6.

 

I can tell ya though, through researching online: affairs, sexless marriages, the OW status, and being here on LS, ... I SWEAR TO GOD - I feel like I could hang out my own shingle now - The Doctor Is In. What a painful learning experience.

 

He started it. I finished it.

[skylarblue]

xMM didn’t pursue me, but he did initiate the A. Unlike most, we didn’t know each other beforehand. We met by me visiting a friend at a place where xMM worked. I inquired about his schedule and would come by when I knew he was there, kinda put myself in his line of fire, but I never approached him. I really didn’t think he’d ever approach me, but one night he did. He flirted and I flirted back. We had a little casual conversation. I gave him my number, and we hooked up after his work the next day. I later found out (from him) that he approached me after my friend mentioned that I really liked him. However, his later recollection is that I approached him, said “come here. I want to show you something”, took him outside, and flashed him. I can’t believe he swears that’s how it happened.

 

I was the one who ended the A when I finally had enough of being unhappy in/with the R. We were together for 7yrs. I tried to break it off 4 or 5 times before, but stayed from the pleas of xMM. xMM continued to see me even after dday. He would have gone on with the A his whole life/M if I’d allowed it.

[thomasb]

OW was the pursuer. I dumped her due to the guilt and disgust with myself.

[wannabdone]

I have never thought the man was the stereo typical one who pursued, I always thought it was the OW that was the evil home wrecker that was thought of as the stereo typical one.

 

But in my case, it was the xMM who pursued. But always telling his BS that I was the one.

 

He never "ended" it, he would stop talking to me, and then shortly later start calling, emailing, driving by....whatever it took for me to finally break. This back and forth that I VERY MUCH ALLOWED, happened more times than I care to count. So, honestly I guess I was the one who really ended it, as he kept up his pattern of never telling me it was over, and then trying to initiate contact. I just stopped replying in anyway. He still tries. I have seen him drive by, he has emailed, and just yesterday called twice (from a blocked number), I don't answer, or call his wife and tell her he is. I make no contact with any part of his life in anyway.

[sad puppy]

Looks to me that many of the cheating spouses were the ones to "start it up". Additionally, in some of these cases, the cheating spouse put themselves right into the situation. And then once started, just kept it going. And going. And going. They made the decision over and over to engage in the affair, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 years. Every time they decided to meet with their AP, they kept making the decision to continue to betray their spouse.

 

Sort of blows up the whole "evil OW/OM" homewrecker concept to shreds, now doesn't it, when you see how many of the cheating spouses pursued their AP.

 

Everyone involved has to accept their responsibility. And one thing I know, those that do not firmly place the blame and responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the one that betrayed them, will never get anywhere. It's like a kid misbehaving with another kid, they end up in trouble, but the parent just blames the other kid for all the trouble. That course of action doesn't help you straighten out your own kid, just keeps the focus off of his behavior.

 

You can blame the OW/OM all day long, but in the end, that doesn't matter one bit, ultimately to your life. Look at your cheating spouse - that is where your problems lie. Right there.

[sad puppy]

sad puppy is evil how you feel about yourself and that's why you are so concerned with defending it?

 

Defending what? And as far as evil goes, I am not evil, and don't have those feelings at all. I am suggesting that the problem lies within the marriage, and for it to be fixed, the married folks need to sort it out amongst themselves. It's simple logic. Focusing on "out there" doesn't really solve the problem, when the problem is "in there".

 

I don't know any happily married people where one is out cheating, not a one. In my case, my MM had an exit affair. Long time coming in an 8 year sexless marriage.

[jwi71]

Defending what? And as far as evil goes, I am not evil, and don't have those feelings at all. I am suggesting that the problem lies within the marriage, and for it to be fixed, the married folks need to sort it out amongst themselves. It's simple logic. Focusing on "out there" doesn't really solve the problem, when the problem is "in there".

 

I don't know any happily married people where one is out cheating, not a one. In my case, my MM had an exit affair. Long time coming in an 8 year sexless marriage.

 

First, I lol at your paragraph about hanging out the shingle. And I'm at work with people wondering why I just lol. That was great and I completely understand the sentiment.

 

I do disagree with your assertion that a bad M causes one to cheat. I strongly believe, based on my shingle outside , that it is the WS who cheats. Not the M. What is "wrong" is in them and to varying degrees in the OW/OM. The M is merely one of potentially many which influence the decision to cheat.

 

And none of that makes for bad PEOPLE. Just really misguided choices.

[Spark1111]

First, I lol at your paragraph about hanging out the shingle. And I'm at work with people wondering why I just lol. That was great and I completely understand the sentiment.

 

I do disagree with your assertion that a bad M causes one to cheat. I strongly believe, based on my shingle outside , that it is the WS who cheats. Not the M. What is "wrong" is in them and to varying degrees in the OW/OM. The M is merely one of potentially many which influence the decision to cheat.

 

And none of that makes for bad PEOPLE. Just really misguided choices.

 

Here's another thought: If 50% of all people cheat, the other 50% do NOT.

 

Startling concept, I know. But if being unhappy in a marriage is a reason to cheat, why do others in unhappy marriages, NOT cheat.

 

If you are unhappy, cheat, divorce and marry again, 67% of second marriages end in divorce.

 

If, heaven forbid, you marry a third time, 73% of those marriages end in divorce.

 

Do you see a pattern here? Is it an unhappy marriage, a terrible spouse, a wrong choice?

 

Or is the unhappiness within the PERSON who believes it is NOT them, but everyone else's fault, and keeps crashing and burning their relationships?

[Radagast]

Just kinda curious because his ex OW was predatory and is not accepting he dumped her.

 

How often does the OW chase or initiate the affair vs the stereotype of predatory male?

 

How often does she get dumped vs she ends it?

 

Thanks in advance!

 

She initiated. I thought she was out of my league.

 

It ended by my exwife being "dumped", as you put it.

[sad puppy]

First, I lol at your paragraph about hanging out the shingle. And I'm at work with people wondering why I just lol. That was great and I completely understand the sentiment.

 

I do disagree with your assertion that a bad M causes one to cheat. I strongly believe, based on my shingle outside , that it is the WS who cheats. Not the M. What is "wrong" is in them and to varying degrees in the OW/OM. The M is merely one of potentially many which influence the decision to cheat.

 

And none of that makes for bad PEOPLE. Just really misguided choices.

 

I am in total agreement. In my case, yes, he was in long time sexless marriage and she never went out with him socially, however, HE made the choice to cheat for 1.5 years! I didn't find out it was sexless for 8 years until he went into IC & moved out. Frankly, I was stunned.

 

You know, after our second date, his friend (who had been in an affair) advised him to end the marriage before it went any farther. He did not. He started up with me, and I accept my role in it. How naieve we both were.

 

I don't think any of the folks in a triangle are evil or BAD, I think it's a combo of many negative issues all exploding together at the same time.

 

At the end of the day, a lot of people are in unhappy marriages and they don't cheat. Cheaters cheat. So sad for everyone. And painful.

[SoMovinOn]

I'm going to say in every situation except those where the MM/MW conceals the fact that they are M, the A starts because *both* of them chose for it to start.

 

In my case, everything began when a past love found me, although, from there, everything that happened was by mutual decision. We had honest and open discussions and weighed the pros and cons as we progressed, over a period of about 7 months, from reconnecting to our A.

[thomasb]

Defending what? And as far as evil goes, I am not evil, and don't have those feelings at all. I am suggesting that the problem lies within the marriage, and for it to be fixed, the married folks need to sort it out amongst themselves. It's simple logic. Focusing on "out there" doesn't really solve the problem, when the problem is "in there".

 

I don't know any happily married people where one is out cheating, not a one. In my case, my MM had an exit affair. Long time coming in an 8 year sexless marriage.

 

 

Well, hate to tell you this, but you are very wrong. I was happily married and cheated. And the fault was 100% mine. And 100% OW's. There was no fault in the marriage. Seems to me the only way you could blame the betrayed for any part in this sort of **** pile is if they threw the OW or OM down and forced their legs open or unzipped their fly!

And my marriage was so far from sexless it isn't even funny. Nope.

[sad puppy]

Well, hate to tell you this, but you are very wrong. I was happily married and cheated. And the fault was 100% mine. And 100% OW's. There was no fault in the marriage. Seems to me the only way you could blame the betrayed for any part in this sort of **** pile is if they threw the OW or OM down and forced their legs open or unzipped their fly!

And my marriage was so far from sexless it isn't even funny. Nope.

 

And that is YOUR experience. So, get back to us if you ever have an 8 year sexless marriage.

[thomasb]

 

I don't know any happily married people where one is out cheating, not a one. In my case, my MM had an exit affair. Long time coming in an 8 year sexless marriage.

 

 

 

This is your very words. I replied. So now you know a person who was happily married and cheated.

Edited March 23, 2012 by thomasb
edited for Snarkiness!!!!!!!!!!!