Lost Newlywed needs support

[beck7ham]

Hello all, I've been reading some of the posts on here and decided to put mine up here to get some direct feedback.

 

My wife and I have been married for 1 year. I'm 28 and she's 23. We dated for 2 years before that and engaged for 1 and married for 1. She recently moved out of our house 3 weeks ago b/c she said that she needed some space to think about some things.

 

There was no infidelity at all between the both of us, but I did find out that one of her classmates (she's a senior in college) did kiss her. while she says she didn't kiss him back... she says she has feelings for this guy. they've gone to lunch a couple of times but that's about it. We went to 1 session w/ a marrital counselor and she told us that it was prolly wise for us to do some sort of seperation for a bit. She said my wife is struggling with some lost identity issues.

 

According to my wife I was neglecting her, not showing affection, and taking her for granted for about 5 months now and this thing w/ the guy just finally blew her over the top. since we've been seperated i've been a miserable wreck. i never saw this coming. i called and emailed and basically just kept smothering her to get her back when i knew i shouldn't b/c of the seperation thing. She finally got fed up w/ all of our friends calling to see if she's ok and w/ the pressure from both sets of parents she made a decision to move on w/ the divorce!!! after 2 weeks??? seems kinda fast. Well, i came home one day and found all of her clothes missing... it was at that point i decided to just stop trying and let her go.

 

Well since then, she's been calling me or emailing me everyday just to see how i'm doing and to say that she was sorry for everything. she's thinking about me. It's sooo confusing b/c one moment we're talking about how much we love each other and how good our memories were, and the next she's saying I love you, but I'm not inlove with you. can anyone plz enlighten me on what the hell is going on? she says she's thinking about moving into an apmt. but nothing has come up yet. she's been staying w/ a girlfriend and while she says she's not in love w/ me, she doesn't persue the divorce. almost like she's testing me and trying to convince herself that she's not in love w/ me to make the seperation easier for her. she says that i'm pushing her away... but i'm just trying to save my damn marriage. she says she hurts when I hurt and that she'll always love me... but why can't she see the love she found in me before? I guess I'm just willing to do anything and she's not willing to do one thing. plz help

[NotaBadGuy]

Beck,

I really have no real advice except for to hang in there. Your circumstances sound somewhat similar to what I experienced within the last year. I married a younger woman (20) and I was 27 at the time. We dated for 2 yrs prior to getting married. After 4 months of marriiage I started noticing her pulling back and being distant. The issues you mentioned were commonplace (I.e. neglecting her, not showing affection, and taking her for granted). She then totally pulled away. I found out there was someone else, BUT he was just a friend - if I was supposed to believe that one. All affection, attention, support, and any resemblence of a marriage was gone. She unconscioucly placed all her time and attention into this new man. He knew she was married and still pursued. To make a long story short, she later filed for divorce and it was final in Feb of this year. As far as I know, she is still with this guy.

 

My point: beware of what is really going on. I am making no assumptions about the situation. You are in the best position to have an inclination about what is or is not happening in your marriage and better yet, you know her as a person. At this site, advice is offered from an objective standpoint but we often have limited facts and circumstances to totally make a real and substantial opinion. We are given a snapshot and make decisions based on such.

 

I battled through the toughest place I have been in for quite some time. I am not fully healed myself from the betrayal. I have not been to this site in some time, but I came here quite often earlier this year. You find out who your true frineds are and learn a lot about who you are as a person. You learn your limits and redefine them. It is not an easy time and I hope things work out for the best for you. Marriage is a commitment and requires work. Whatever happens, never blame yourself. I did. It eats you alive. But remember this: we are alll responsible for our OWN actions. We cannot blame someone else for our actions. We all act our of FREE WILL and out of our own SELF CONTROL absent a few rare situations. You are repsonsible for yourself and your own actions. Do what you need to do yourself to remedy the situation. At the end of the day if you have contributed your best, then that is all you can do.

 

Best of luck my friend. It does get better. Not overnight, but it does. Respectfully, NotaBadGuy

[jayster]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like she is realllly confused about what she wants. Is she

 

willing to go to counseling or is she stuck on the divorce decision. Is that other guy still in her life? I think you are

 

doing everything right. I think she definelty is confused. I am married and think that time apart doesn't really solve anything. Being together and talking things out helps, a day or two apart is okay but moving things out seems to be more permanant.

 

 

SHe needs to take time to figure out what she wants. I don't think that she just fell out of love for you, im sure she still loves you and is in love with you but i think you are right when you said that she says that to make it easier on herself. And i do believe that she is testing the water when she says "divorce." YOu sound like a great person and I wish you all the best, don't give up just yet. She needs time to fix herself and her own issues, and once she figures that out, you can live happily ever after. Best of luck to you, and keep us updated.

[beck7ham]

We both are going to our seperate counselors to seek help... though everytime she comes out of her session she seems to be moving closer to the seperation and divorce. She told a friend today that she was not in love w/ me and that she's basically had it w/ trying in our relationship. funny thing is... i thought this was my 2nd chance... she says it's like my 3rd or 4th.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to stay and wait, but I don't want to give myself hope when she says those things to me. When I used to cry in front of her she would come up to me and shake me and tell me to stop crying b/c I was being weak!

 

She treats me so mean sometimes... I wonder why I put up with it. She says she's not giving me mixed signals... but it just seems funny that during the last 2 weeks she never called to see how i was doing and this past week she called 3 times. I don't know if she wants the divorce. today i told her that I had had enough of the games and indecisions... i told her I was going to file. funny, b/c she then challenged me to do it (thinking that I wouldn't). Is she just trying to get me to make the decision for her so that she doesn't have to make a big "life decision"? maybe that's why she hasn't filed yet. she tells my dad that we haven't made any final decisions yet, but she's told me that she's not in love w/ me anymore and that she doesn't like where our relationship is at the moment. kinda confusing but to tell you the truth i wouldn't want to go back to our relationship then either... i want her to come back to the new foundation of the present relationship. she says sometimes the present time is too late for reconciliation. it sounds like it's over... sucks b/c i never thought I'd go thru this. I'm trying to seek God for guidance... it's just hard to have faith when you can see your life tumbling down the hill.

[ready2moveon26]

I have a very similar situation only I've been married (almost) four year, I'm a woman, and my husband and I have a 3 year old daughter. My husband and I are getting a dissolution, only because I don't want to fight with him. The dissolution was his idea but I was the one that went and got a lawyer about a month ago and he was supposed to pay for half. He hasn't paid me anything yet, so I am not going through with it until he does. I do still love him and I am very sure he still loves me, so I am not going to do anything I don't want to do until I absolutely have to.

 

Thanks and good luck!