The power of saying 'No' .... over little things

[arwen]

I have seen that me and my husband often fight over little things.

 

Here is one typical scenario - Whenever my husband asks me for my advice (eg: if he can get some gift for his family or friends I always give him my consensus and in fact recommend some good gift on the higher end of the budget spectrum)

 

However when I ask my husband for a similar thing, he is very cautious about not letting me overspend even by few $$. For example, if I set aside a rough $50 budget for a house warming gift for my friend, and somehow would like to extend it to $70 for a nice appetizer set that I come across, my husband tries his best to stop me from spending the extra $20. It might so happen that we spend an unplanned $20 on a to-go dinner the same day.

 

Initially he would stop me by getting irritated or angry. I have been working on his anger management - now he says things like 'I will feel bad if you give a different gift'. I don't understand why such little things matter so much to him.

 

I understand that there is a difference in our spending habits and I have tried to bring my spending habits down a lot in order to reach a midpoint. However I am not sure how I can make him reach a reasonable midpoint as well.

 

Sometimes I feel that when a person says 'NO' when asked for an advice, he tries to exercise control over the other person, especially when the 'NO' is over a trivial thing such as this. Moreover, I feel I am not a kid and unless I am doing something really reckless I should not be controlled over such minor things. Everyone needs little bit of space and independence, and such tiny wishes of the spouse should be respected.

 

I am a tech lead in a hi-tech company and have lived independently for 10 yrs before marriage. I have also been raised in a liberal environment where I have made my own decisions - big and small. I am afraid this kind of a behavior can tone down my confidence and has started to get me irritated.

 

Thoughts????

[2sunny]

Life is full of compromises.

 

If you earn extra money over and above what you agree to earn together - then THAT money should/could be considered to be your money spent as YOU want to spend it.

 

Make a new agreement with him - by communicating what your new expectations are based upon your intent. Be clear with him.

 

State what you are going to do different without asking his approval. Find a way to make the new plan happen without taking money away from the budget you previously agreed to keep.

 

IF he can't agree with it - you will completely understand its not about the money - but a ploy to control you. That isn't good at all!

[beenburned]

I agree with Sunny!

 

Every married couple should have some play money set aside from each payday to spend as they wish without having to consult the spouse.

 

The only account that should always have a strict budget is the one that pays all of the household bills/expenses, and the savings for the future.

 

Most banks allow you to have multiple accounts at no charge.(when a minimum balance is kept) I have separate accounts that are only for specific yearly expenses.(property taxes, home and car insurance,etc.)

 

Working together as a team to achieve future goals is very important, and compromise is essential! (this is from a retired accountant)

[zengirl]

Controlling people bum me out. Is it about the money or about the control? Those are two separate issues, really.

 

I agree with Sunny!

 

Every married couple should have some play money set aside from each payday to spend as they wish without having to consult the spouse.

 

This is what my parents did/do, and so it's what hubby and I do and will continue to do as well. If one of us gets laid off or there is some financial crisis, perhaps I could see us agreeing to be careful even with that money (as it may need to go into HH funds, though we have a HH savings too we just started) but in the meantime, we have no discussions about that money.

 

What my parents did was put less % into HH funds when they first got married and slowly increase that money and their co-mingling of funds as they were married long-term and beginning to spend more of their disposable income on joint LT goals and save for those together, rather than separately. I told hubby about that, and we have a similar plan. Right now, we only have 2 joint funds -- one for bills and one for savings -- and the rest is kept separately, but over the course of 10 years, our funds will co-mingle more.

 

There are a million financial plans that work, but you have to talk about them! As a courtesy, hubby and I still consult each other on large purchases, even though most of our money is still separate at the moment. That just seems polite. But anything under $100, and neither of us would bat an eye at all.