jlola Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Affairs are a lack of knowledge about the stages of a relationship. Sad so many people will read gossip magazines, spend time watching television. But few people take the time to read on how relationships are formed and the chemicals involved in our bodies that make each stage so predictable. Infatuation stage is where most affairs are. Unfortunately, the infatuation stage last the longest in extramarital affairs. But reality stage and disappointment stage soon follows if they get together just like the marriage. But somehow many people think they re so special their relationship will not follow those predictable patterns. Those love chemicals will stay at high levels(your body cannot sustain those levels) forever. Good easy article to read. Not so easy to understand till you begin to look into it. Till you begin to really open your eyes and see the 'hollywood" version of relationships is NOT what you see when you look at couples around you. Why do people cheat in relationships? Written by M.Farouk Radwan, MSc. Cheating Why do people cheat in relationships? When you first fall in love with someone certain chemicals are released in your body that gives you the sensation of pleasure, joy and excitement. Later on these chemicals disappear and the feelings of love are felt through intimacy and closeness instead of butterflies in the stomach. When a man meets another woman other than his wife and finds her attractive these chemicals are released once again whether he is a cheater or not. At this point cheaters go for the new relation while honest people avoid giving in to the feelings of attraction they felt. People who don't understand this concept might cheat When this happens to a cheater he never realizes that the attraction he feels towards that person results from the hormones that are released in his body but instead he thinks that he loves that new person more than his spouse. Cheaters might say something like: I experience new feelings when i see her that i don't experience with my wife anymore I am more motivated to see him than to see my husband I never seem to get bored of her When we formulate these terms scientifically they become as follows: I forget how those chemicals felt like, with that new person i can feel them again More chemicals are pumped into my body when i see him than when i see my husband i don't think those chemicals will ever stop being released (the same thought that he first got when he married his wife) How to prevent cheating? Most of the cheaters who understand this concept stop cheating simply because they realize that they are just chasing chemicals and not real feelings. In my book The ultimate guide to maintaining a healthy relationship i explained how both partners should understand the fact that chemicals won't last forever and that intimacy must take over such feelings in order for the relationship to survive. People who cheat chase a mirage then sooner or later will find that the chemicals they were after disappeared once again and this is where serial cheating comes from. If you know a person who cheats on somebody then let him read this article. If you cheat then now you know that you are only going after chemicals and that you not in love with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Very good post you put it the way it is. Their would be less cheating if people realized this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 It isn't just chemical. Hello, people CAN choose to control their actions and not purposely spend more time around a certain person that makes their heart flutter and other body parts tingle. It's normal to be attracted to others at times - The thing is, what happens once you're aware of it. THAT part is NOT chemical. It's selfishness and wanting what one wants, and who cares about everybody else. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 It isn't just chemical. Hello, people CAN choose to control their actions and not purposely spend more time around a certain person that makes their heart flutter and other body parts tingle. It's normal to be attracted to others at times - The thing is, what happens once you're aware of it. THAT part is NOT chemical. It's selfishness and wanting what one wants, and who cares about everybody else. Yup......choice and responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 So true...jloa.. I always had this unexplained hormonal RUSH when I was in a new relationship! Now that I know what it is and I am older, it's like WTF....don't need it and can control it...Only if I knew then what I know now....Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlola Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 It isn't just chemical. Hello, people CAN choose to control their actions and not purposely spend more time around a certain person that makes their heart flutter and other body parts tingle. It's normal to be attracted to others at times - The thing is, what happens once you're aware of it. THAT part is NOT chemical. It's selfishness and wanting what one wants, and who cares about everybody else. I agree people can choose to control it and they do not. The "If it makes you happy,do it" quote of the 70's is what people adhere to these days. Not what is right for everyone. I put this article here because so many people in affairs think they are "soulmates" and that it was meant to be. they have no understanding that the (Oops, sorry for caps.)AFFAIR IS THE INFATUATION STAGE OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND IT WILL DISSIPATE eventually. But affairs prolong infatuation stage. . THEY ALSO DO NOT REALIZE THE MARRIAGE HAS PASSED THE INFATUATION STAGE. THEY ARE COMPARING INFATUATION STAGE OF THE AFFAIR, WITH THE REALITY STAGE OF THE MARRIAGE. sad part is affair partners think the feel-good drug will last forever now that they found that special person. Noone ever investigates the science behind love and why so many relationships that start of as HIGH GO KAPUT! people would rather get their relationship advice from poems,novels,love songs,movies and hollywood. Believing a special soulmate will come along and fulfill their every dream. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Great article on brain chemicals. So helpful to be aware of these concepts, it is all spot on. Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Ive read this article before, and think its great!!! A lot of times ppl can not see this.... even if you show it to them. And they have already gotten involved and feel like they are in love and are hurting. I also read an article that talked about the aspect of being addicted like gambaling. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't (and most of the time not), but its the thrill of not knowing and hoping and trying to win that get you involved with A's. I think its very interesting how the human brain works. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Good article about *some* affairs. Like any other generalization that assumes all of something (or all of some group of people) fit into the same exact niche, it is correct in some cases, partially correct in others, and completely incorrect in others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) Good article about *some* affairs. Like any other generalization that assumes all of something (or all of some group of people) fit into the same exact niche, it is correct in some cases, partially correct in others, and completely incorrect in others. SMO, forgive me if you have already answered this but do you and your MW have plans for the future? Does she have plans for leaving her H? Why hasent she done so already since you are free? Are you saying that your A is not typical? What is the difference? PS> sorry to threadjack..but your above statement to the OP's question raised mine. Edited March 23, 2012 by TurningTables added another question to be clear.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlola Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Good article about *some* affairs. Like any other generalization that assumes all of something (or all of some group of people) fit into the same exact niche, it is correct in some cases, partially correct in others, and completely incorrect in others. This is not a generalization. This article does not only pertain to affairs, but all relationships. All relationships go through infatuation stage where chemicals are high.. Then the chemicals subside. When they do,many people not aware of how your body works and relationship stages do not understand there is a next phase. they think they have chosen the wrong person. A lot of people having affairs are addicted to love,romance or sex. They think the chemicals will last forever if they can find the right person. affairs are a great way of prolonging infatuation stage which is fueled by uncertainty,longing, hope and doubt. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 This is not a generalization. This article does not only pertain to affairs, but all relationships. All relationships go through infatuation stage where chemicals are high.. Then the chemicals subside. When they do,many people not aware of how your body works and relationship stages do not understand there is a next phase. they think they have chosen the wrong person. A lot of people having affairs are addicted to love,romance or sex. They think the chemicals will last forever if they can find the right person. affairs are a great way of prolonging infatuation stage which is fueled by uncertainty,longing, hope and doubt. Absolutely true! The one certain way to cure an addiction is to have 24/7 free access and to have it not continue to be intermittent and forbidden. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 This is not a generalization. This article does not only pertain to affairs, but all relationships. All relationships go through infatuation stage where chemicals are high.. Then the chemicals subside. When they do,many people not aware of how your body works and relationship stages do not understand there is a next phase. they think they have chosen the wrong person. A lot of people having affairs are addicted to love,romance or sex. They think the chemicals will last forever if they can find the right person. affairs are a great way of prolonging infatuation stage which is fueled by uncertainty,longing, hope and doubt. I think it is absurd for someone to act like human traits do not apply to them. Generalizations are not bad in and of themselves, as many things are generalizable. Definitely in the sciences one HAS to generalize and find out about processes that most human beings, by virtue of them being humans, experience or how the human brain and body works etc. Scientists can't study every human on earth so study a few to gather how what they observe applies to the masses and generally they can be applied. Of course they realize that some folks deviate....yet nevertheless there is a general process that most people calling themselves humans experience. I find it strange that one would read something about how the human brain works and come to the conclusion that this is only for some people but their brain is different and the chemicals in their body are different....based on what?! Because they think so...ohh okay. I didn't know we got to choose the chemicals our brains fire. Please sign me up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlola Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) Even IF by super slim chance a person is able to stay in infatuation stage forever,chances are pretty slim to none they will be involved with another rare bird who'se chemicals never wane. As for Spark who suggested ending the infatuation stage by being available always. Now there is no more intermittent break-ups to "work on the marriage" and have you long for affair partner,no more triangle and sneaking around. No more "you and me against the world" romance. You get the whole enchilada. As the book "The laws of seduction states, as soon as the longing,hope,doubt is gone. The seduction is over. You either have to get them back to that stage or the relationship will eventually burn out. Once a person is fed a steady diet of roller coaster ride to get the prize, somehow having the "prize" never actually lives up to what your fantasy was during the chase. Also book on limerence says the same. Once the relationship is consummated and you have that person 24/7the love is different then the exiting love when it is illusive. Unfortunately,Everyone in love thinks they are different. But look around at people and marriages. they are mostly comfortable with each other. People who have been married for some time are not all over each other,writing love notes and poems to the ones they live with. real life and real problems take over. The thought must be those FOLKS just don't know how to sustain this great high. But everyone else thinks they know the secret ,just as people who do not have children think they have all the answers on how to raise kids. If scientist cannot convince them of reality, perhaps real life eventually will. Otherwise, they will become love and romance addicts. Edited March 23, 2012 by jlola Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Affairs are a lack of knowledge about the stages of a relationship. Sad so many people will read gossip magazines, spend time watching television. But few people take the time to read on how relationships are formed and the chemicals involved in our bodies that make each stage so predictable. Infatuation stage is where most affairs are. Unfortunately, the infatuation stage last the longest in extramarital affairs. But reality stage and disappointment stage soon follows if they get together just like the marriage. But somehow many people think they re so special their relationship will not follow those predictable patterns. Those love chemicals will stay at high levels(your body cannot sustain those levels) forever. Jlola, I think the "chemicals theory" explain the stages but that doesn't mean that people who have affairs are NOT conscious that those feelings may vanish one day. Just because someone has an A, doesn't mean that he is ignorant or have a lack of understanding how relationships work. I have seen very smart and intelligent people having affairs, psychologists and therapists included ! When an A starts it is not different than any other relationship. There is lust, excitement, discovering each-other etc. Only the situation is different. It is a question of CHOICE. You can choose to give in those feelings or not but that is easier said than done. Sometimes feelings (chemicals) take over your rational judgement. What the study forgets to say is that human beings are not rational robots, they act on their feelings sometimes even if those feelings include deceit and triangle relationships. It is also a question of CHOICE when it comes to the MP to choose between the AP and the BS. When it comes to choose between the AP and the spouse, a MM/MW can very well be aware that his life with OM/OM will not be very different from what they already have. That's why many of them say they are not looking for another husband/wife. It is mostly a selfish choice to keep options opened. Many of MPs are in limbo about making a choice, they know their life with AP will not be all roses and rainbows but they are torn between loosing a marriage and going into the unknown. Leaving the M scares the $h*t out of most of MP so there is a lot of cowardice when it comes to make a choice. Some stay because they really love their spouse, others more about safety, comfort and or guilt. Some A are just lust, some are made of strong longlasting emotional bond, there is a very large variety of situations. But most of As are doomed not because it is not "love" but because Love is not enough. It takes other conditions to put together to make a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlola Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Affairs are may be a bit like regular relationships, but there are added things that mess with your mind. In the book "the laws of seduction" they show you how to mess with someone's mind and have them not know if they are coming are going. So they accept really bad behavior and the relationship is in your court. How do you psychologically mess with someone's mind? bring Anxiety,fantasy,draw a picture in their mind of how life could be like if you were together as a couple,,bring hope, then doubt. Make them long for you since you are not readily available(how many people can call AP anytime or see anytime). Leave when feelings are low or lots of arguing ,then when you return, they will feel high. Here comes the rollercoaster. (find reason to break up,come back after they think they have lost you) MP do that so well. The "I have to go work on my marriage when things are getting touchy in the affair is one reason for break-up. triangulate. This part is the most crucial part in the law of seduction. Bring in a 3rd party to show your value. People want what others have. It breeds competition. It plays to your insecurities. It makes the other scared ,nervous they may not win you after all. A 3rd party is a must and the added ingredient to seduction. After reading that book I understood though many people would consciously do those steps, they are not common in everyday relationships. But what the author wrote is very common in affairs. In fact I noted every married person in affairs is actually doing the "laws of seduction" naturally . While pick up artist and those who are looking to manipulate need a guide. I did not buy it to manipulate. But was curious after reading someone mention what a mindf**8 it was. I am always interested in psychology and human behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I think it is absurd for someone to act like human traits do not apply to them. Generalizations are not bad in and of themselves, as many things are generalizable. Definitely in the sciences one HAS to generalize and find out about processes that most human beings, by virtue of them being humans, experience or how the human brain and body works etc. Scientists can't study every human on earth so study a few to gather how what they observe applies to the masses and generally they can be applied. Of course they realize that some folks deviate....yet nevertheless there is a general process that most people calling themselves humans experience. I find it strange that one would read something about how the human brain works and come to the conclusion that this is only for some people but their brain is different and the chemicals in their body are different....based on what?! Because they think so...ohh okay. I didn't know we got to choose the chemicals our brains fire. Please sign me up. Great post! Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 This is not a generalization. This article does not only pertain to affairs, but all relationships. All relationships go through infatuation stage where chemicals are high.. Then the chemicals subside. When they do,many people not aware of how your body works and relationship stages do not understand there is a next phase. they think they have chosen the wrong person. A lot of people having affairs are addicted to love,romance or sex. They think the chemicals will last forever if they can find the right person. affairs are a great way of prolonging infatuation stage which is fueled by uncertainty,longing, hope and doubt. According to scientific research done by Dr Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist, some people are indeed lucky enough to have the stage of being in love last forever. Their love matures but the sensation of staying in love stays. This has been proven by brain scans some 25 years into the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toots Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 This is not a generalization. This article does not only pertain to affairs, but all relationships. All relationships go through infatuation stage where chemicals are high.. Then the chemicals subside. When they do,many people not aware of how your body works and relationship stages do not understand there is a next phase. they think they have chosen the wrong person. A lot of people having affairs are addicted to love,romance or sex. They think the chemicals will last forever if they can find the right person. affairs are a great way of prolonging infatuation stage which is fueled by uncertainty,longing, hope and doubt. I don't think all relationships go through infatuation stages only relationships where people feel that kind of attraction. Relationships where people are together for other reasons that don't involve that kind of attraction would not apply. That would include As based on those other kinds of relationships too. Not all As are about love or infatuation or romance. Some are about companionship or convenience or having needs met that are not being met elsewhere or about sex or about passing the time between relationships. It is also very patronising to assume that people who have As don't understand the dynamics of relationships or biochemistry or that they're making choices based on ignorance. Some people make choices knowing all that stuff for other reasons like maybe it just suits them at the time or maybe they think they'll break the bank or maybe they don't really care about the outcome either way they just enjoy the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 According to scientific research done by Dr Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist, some people are indeed lucky enough to have the stage of being in love last forever. Their love matures but the sensation of staying in love stays. This has been proven by brain scans some 25 years into the relationship. I just listened to one of her talks. She seemed to be talking about people in long-term committed relationships, though. I don't think she was addressing the complicated version of love that happens in an affair. She said she believes that romantic love is an addiction. A wonderful one when things are going well. A hellish addiction when things are going poorly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 I don't think all relationships go through infatuation stages only relationships where people feel that kind of attraction. Relationships where people are together for other reasons that don't involve that kind of attraction would not apply. That would include As based on those other kinds of relationships too. Not all As are about love or infatuation or romance. Some are about companionship or convenience or having needs met that are not being met elsewhere or about sex or about passing the time between relationships. It is also very patronising to assume that people who have As don't understand the dynamics of relationships or biochemistry or that they're making choices based on ignorance. Some people make choices knowing all that stuff for other reasons like maybe it just suits them at the time or maybe they think they'll break the bank or maybe they don't really care about the outcome either way they just enjoy the ride. Toots, based on what I have read here and elsewhere, a woman having an affair out of convenience, with no emotional investment is rare. Really rare. What these pages are filled with are pain, unrequited love, a dream for the future and the obstacle is the mean, loveless spouse holding on to the MM man with both fists to maintain the status quo. So I think you have a valid point, but it is one we rarely see on LS. I would never assume jlola, who has lived a life filled with the infidelity of family members, would ever be condescending. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 I just listened to one of her talks. She seemed to be talking about people in long-term committed relationships, though. I don't think she was addressing the complicated version of love that happens in an affair. She said she believes that romantic love is an addiction. A wonderful one when things are going well. A hellish addiction when things are going poorly. I have only read a few things attributed to Dr. Helen Fisher and do not remember this point specifically. However, I do know that sociologists, psychologists, anthropologists and evolutionary biologists are intrigued and studying at great length why certain couples do remain gloriously, passionately partnered for the long haul. What is it that they do that puts them in the very small percentages? I eagerly await whatever test results the conclude upon, because WHO among us would not be reading these results????? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 I have only read a few things attributed to Dr. Helen Fisher and do not remember this point specifically. However, I do know that sociologists, psychologists, anthropologists and evolutionary biologists are intrigued and studying at great length why certain couples do remain gloriously, passionately partnered for the long haul. What is it that they do that puts them in the very small percentages? I eagerly await whatever test results the conclude upon, because WHO among us would not be reading these results????? I'm interested to know as well. As I know enough about what people do wrong and what doesn't work, but would love to know more about what does work and why. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 I have only read a few things attributed to Dr. Helen Fisher and do not remember this point specifically. However, I do know that sociologists, psychologists, anthropologists and evolutionary biologists are intrigued and studying at great length why certain couples do remain gloriously, passionately partnered for the long haul. What is it that they do that puts them in the very small percentages? I eagerly await whatever test results the conclude upon, because WHO among us would not be reading these results????? I wonder if these couples still encounter infidelity in their marriages, regardless of how much they love each other. I really don't see a point to studying this as it is likely not something that everyone can experience. I'd like to be shaped like a Kenyan marathoner, but that is not likely to ever happen given my genetic makeup and body type. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 I wonder if these couples still encounter infidelity in their marriages, regardless of how much they love each other. I really don't see a point to studying this as it is likely not something that everyone can experience. I'd like to be shaped like a Kenyan marathoner, but that is not likely to ever happen given my genetic makeup and body type. Oh no! It isn't the luck of the draw, or genetics, or even compatibility. It is what they both DO that seems to tip the balance and it is basic in theory but maybe harder in daily practice: They respect each other's thoughts and feelings and opinions. They create a safe environment for open communciation.Active listening with the ego checked at the door. They make time for fun....lots of it... and laugh often. They realized early in the relationship that 9 out of 10 disagrements are unresolvable, so they give it up, the power struggles the need to be right, the endless bickering. They compromise to please the other. They BOTH try daily to put their partner's needs and feelings above their own. They BOTH give without expectation of getting. That's just a few....and the result is they both get A LOT and a lifetime of real relational happiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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