spice4life Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Hockeyfan wrote: How does being kept a secret (as many OW are) translate to love? How does a person love another who minimizes them and refuses to get off the fence and either be with them or not? How do you keep 'in love' feelings for someone who is having sex with another person (albeit a wife or another OW)? All good questions, but you would have to experience being in an affair to understand. The chemical reaction in an affair happens because the relationship never evolves past the first phase of being involved with someone. The relationship gets stuck in the "lusty chemical" phase that happens at the beginning of every relationship. A normal dating relationship evolves past that allowing the couple to develop an initimate bond on a deeper level. An affair requires one to keep their emotions in check which prevents the deeper initimate bond from developing. So the AP's get caught in this loop (better known as the emotional roller coaster) that stops the relationship from moving along a natural course. BUT, the "lusty chemical" reaction stays! The loop consists of a build up of intense flirting before a planned hook up and then shifts to a cooling off period immediately after. The extremes are so intense, before and after, they become addicts in need of a fix. The lusty chemicals are the drugs that satisfy that fix. It's like being hungry and having a wonderful dinner that you aren't allowed to fully digest...but, your natural desire is to digest it so you keep trying. This loop continues until one or both can't take the emotional extremes anymore. Then they go through a withdrawal period once they stop and bounce back and forth until they break the addicton once and for all. That brings up another point - that's why OW's/OM's come to forums like this looking for support. They are addicted to this crazy roller coaster and are desperately looking for a way to get off the crazy ride. It's very hard to do because the "lusty chemicals" create such a dense fog, it's hard for them to see the forest through the trees. Sorry for the cliche'. My point being, that OW's/OM's require a different kind of support than a BS. Condeming them for bad choices is not what they need; they already know that. They need help understanding why they keep going back (the addiction) and how they can go about breaking the cycle. Once they do that, they can then focus on what led them down this path to begin with. That's why NC is so important for everyone involved in the triangle; it allows the BS, WS and the OW/OM to focus on their own healing. If that is allowed to happen, it can help the BS, WS and the OW/OM come out on the other side of the whole mess stronger people whatever the outcome ends up being. It's a process and their healing will go through different phases before it's all done. Focusing on the BS or the OW is just a part of that process and nudging them to refocus on their own healing helps more than beating someone up for it. Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Edited April 7, 2012 by spice4life 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Hockeyfan wrote: All good questions, but you would have to experience being in an affair to understand. The chemical reaction in an affair happens because the relationship never evolves past the first phase of being involved with someone. The relationship gets stuck in the "lusty chemical" phase that happens at the beginning of every relationship. A normal dating relationship evolves past that allowing the couple to develop an initimate bond on a deeper level. An affair requires one to keep their emotions in check which prevents the deeper initimate bond from developing. So the AP's get caught in this loop (better known as the emotional roller coaster) that stops the relationship from moving along a natural course. BUT, the "lusty chemical" reaction stays! The loop consists of a build up of intense flirting before a planned hook up and then shifts to a cooling off period immediately after. The extremes are so intense, before and after, they become addicts in need of a fix. The lusty chemicals are the drugs that satisfy that fix. It's like being hungry and having a wonderful dinner that you aren't allowed to fully digest...but, your natural desire is to digest it so you keep trying. This loop continues until one or both can't take the emotional extremes anymore. Then they go through a withdrawal period once they stop and bounce back and forth until they break the addicton once and for all. That brings up another point - that's why OW's/OM's come to forums like this looking for support. They are addicted to this crazy roller coaster and are desperately looking for a way to get off the crazy ride. It's very hard to do because the "lusty chemicals" create such a dense fog, it's hard for them to see the forest through the trees. Sorry for the cliche'. My point being, that OW's/OM's require a different kind of support than a BS. Condeming them for bad choices is not what they need; they already know that. They need help understanding why they keep going back (the addiction) and how they can go about breaking the cycle. Once they do that, they can then focus on what led them down this path to begin with. That's why NC is so important for everyone involved in the triangle; it allows the BS, WS and the OW/OM to focus on their own healing. If that is allowed to happen, it can help the BS, WS and the OW/OM come out on the other side of the whole mess stronger people whatever the outcome ends up being. It's a process and their healing will go through different phases before it's all done. Focusing on the BS or the OW is just a part of that process and nudging them to refocus on their own healing helps more than beating someone up for it. Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Excellent post! Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 All good questions, but you would have to experience being in an affair to understand. The chemical reaction in an affair happens because the relationship never evolves past the first phase of being involved with someone. The relationship gets stuck in the "lusty chemical" phase that happens at the beginning of every relationship. A normal dating relationship evolves past that allowing the couple to develop an initimate bond on a deeper level. An affair requires one to keep their emotions in check which prevents the deeper initimate bond from developing. So the AP's get caught in this loop (better known as the emotional roller coaster) that stops the relationship from moving along a natural course. BUT, the "lusty chemical" reaction stays! The loop consists of a build up of intense flirting before a planned hook up and then shifts to a cooling off period immediately after. The extremes are so intense, before and after, they become addicts in need of a fix. The lusty chemicals are the drugs that satisfy that fix. It's like being hungry and having a wonderful dinner that you aren't allowed to fully digest...but, your natural desire is to digest it so you keep trying. I have not noticed any difference between the EMR and other longterm relationships I have had. Just like in them a deeper intimate bond has developed. The love has matured. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 I have not noticed any difference between the EMR and other longterm relationships I have had. Just like in them a deeper intimate bond has developed. The love has matured. What I mentioned in my post isn't the case for everyone, as with everything, there are exceptions. I apologize for not making that clarification. I think it is the case more often than not when an OW is involved with a serial cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 I have not noticed any difference between the EMR and other longterm relationships I have had. Just like in them a deeper intimate bond has developed. The love has matured. Are you in the EMR now? The tense you use suggest that, but I thought you were married and faithful. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 What I mentioned in my post isn't the case for everyone, as with everything, there are exceptions. I apologize for not making that clarification. I think it is the case more often than not when an OW is involved with a serial cheater. Serial cheating is IMO usually due to sex addiction so I can agree with you there. Thank you for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Are you in the EMR now? The tense you use suggest that, but I thought you were married and faithful. I'm in a long term committed relationship to a MM. We are both exclusive with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 I'm in a long term committed relationship to a MM. We are both exclusive with each other. What do you consider long term? You were married last year to a serial cheater and faithful yourself. Usually long term means at least a couple years. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Are you in the EMR now? The tense you use suggest that, but I thought you were married and faithful. Married and faithful for decades. But this thread is not about me, so back on topic, please. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Married and faithful for decades. But this thread is not about me, so back on topic, please. This thread is about chemicals typically associated with new romantic relationships where one experiences infatuation or in love feelings. You say you are one of a small number of people that maintain those type of feelings throughout long-term relationships, whether they are affairs or exclusive, committed Rs. So that is directly relevant, but it is not so clear that your definition of long term committed R is the same as others. Unless the MM you refer to is also your H, who you described as a serial cheater, I don't see the long-term part. Anyway, you don't need to explain if you don't want to, but I don't think it is that unusual to experience these chemicals for a year or so. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 These chemicals can also clearly be responsible for an AP believing the WS never has sex with their spouse even though the AP's are a thousand miles apart so one cannot possibly know what goes on in the every day life of the other. "The fog." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 I'm in a long term committed relationship to a MM. We are both exclusive with each other. Aren't you someone who is always going on about the terms of this forum? It's for OW (& OM) involved with MM (or MW) committed to someone else! There's the discussion too, but are you saying your MM isn't committed to his wife? If not, how are you still an OW? Link to post Share on other sites
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