fix myself or fix the relationship?

[boshemia]

Two things really...

 

First of all. I know I have some emotional issues that need to be worked out, low self-esteem, depression etc. And I know only I can fix them. I am wondering exactly how someone can focus on changes that need to be made within, when there are so many distractions. For example how do I work on my self esteem when it feels like every step forward I make is negated by my husband. I'm not sure if it's really him, or if it's my self esteem that makes it feel this way, but I take his anger very personally, and just when I start thinking I can make it again he comes home from work in a bad mood and takes it out on me. Criticizing what I did or didn’t do, yelling at me for no real reason…. Things like that.

 

I love him and want to be with him, but I know I need to fix these things about myself. I don’t know if I can fix me and a damaged relationship at the same time. Would it be a good idea to take a break from him and work on myself, or do I stay and try to fix both the relationship and myself at the same time? Is that possible?

 

My second question/thought…

 

Does anyone really ever overcome things like low self-esteem and personal issues? Or is it something that you always have problems with? Has anyone here rebalanced themselves permanently? Does someone have a success story?

[Matilda]

I think you should start going to counseling, and let them help you sort out how you need to go about resolving these issues. I wouldn't seperate yet, unless you are really ready to leave your marriage, as you don't know what your husband's reaction would be.

 

<<Does anyone really ever overcome things like low self-esteem and personal issues? >>

 

Yes, you can certainly overcome these things. I think overcoming low self-esteem is related to doing things in life that you are proud of. Like doing well at a job, going to school, raising children in a good way.

 

Also, I think sometimes low self-esteem is related to thinking that isn't realistic. There is a psychiatrist called David Burns who has written several books. You might want to check out one called "10 days to Self Esteem", or something like that. The title sounds hokey, but I have read a couple of his other books (Feeling Good, and the Feeling Good Handbook) to help with my own depression, at the suggestion of a counselor, and they were tremendously helpful. He shows you how to overcome negative thinking.

 

I still think that you"ll need the guidance of a therapist though.

 

<<Or is it something that you always have problems with?>>

 

I think self-esteem, feeling good about oneself and ones life, is something everyone needs to work on in order to maintain it.

 

<< Has anyone here rebalanced themselves permanently? Does someone have a success story?>>

 

I think I had low self-esteem when I was younger, I made a poor choice of husband in my first marriage, related to that I think. I don't know, I did have enough self-esteem to get out of that marriage though. I know I feel much better about myself now than I did when I was younger. I feel confident in myself, and I'm not easily intimidated like I used to be.

 

I think doing things successfully: job, marriage, children, really helped. Here recently, I went through a depression related to a problem with one of my children, and therapy, and an anti-depressant, really helped me.

 

I really encourage you to find a therapist who has experience with cognitive therapy. I think it is best to have some guidance when you tackle these kinds of problems.

[mandy may]

i had very similar problems with my boyfriend of him taking his bad moods out on me too.

i was in counceling for myself at the time for some eseem issues and felt his badgering of

me was making me realize that some of that low esteem was coming from his behavior

toward me. i talked about leaving him so i could work on myself and she said it is better

and easier to work on a relationship when you are IN a relationship. i did stay in the relationship

because i love him and did not want to leave him if it could be fixed and low and behold he started

counseling too! there is hope! one HAS to believe that there is hope or the whole world be depressed!

[Pyrannaste]

I used to have the same problem.

Well...actually I sort of still have it.

 

i think it is possible that you can stay in the relationship while fixing both your problems and your relationship, but it will be a lot easier if your husband cooperates at least to a certain degree.

 

Does he know you have problems with your self -esteem and you are trying to fix it?

 

Try asking him to help you....if you can figure out any way he could help you let him know.

Does he know that you take very personally his anger when he is in a bad mood? If you never told him perhaps he does not realize it.

Some people think that it is normal to be not nice to others when they are in a bad mood, so they assume the other person will automatically know that the problem is not them.

 

In my case I found out that if my bf takes his bad mood out at me but after a while he says something as simple as "hey, sorry, it was not really you I was angry with" that does miracles on the way I'm feeling.

He started to say such things when he realized that everytime he was in a bad mood/angry I thought it was my fault

 

Does your husband know that his criticizing hurts you?

there are ways and ways of criticizing... a positive one and a depressing one. Perhaps he could try to express his critics/comments in a more positive way.