ResilientX Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 My wife and are a technically separated but living under the same roof, when she is home that is. She had told me she was staying with friends and going on business trips. I found out recently that she was meeting her new man, her boss, at his hotel when he is in town. I wanted to call the Hotel and ask her why she was lying to me about her whereabouts. When I finally summed up the courage to do so, I ask for her by name, and sure enough, she was registered. He picked up the phone and asked me who was on the phone, I aksed him if I could speak to my wife....silence......nevertheless, she picked up and I conforonted her, in a non agressive manner, as to why she lied. She said it was to spare my feelings because she had already hurt me by wanting this separation. she also said how sorry she was. I suddenly realized that while I still love her, I am no longer in love with her. Something broke inside of me. Somehow I wanted her to know that I knew about her man. what does that mean?. I think I am angry at how quickly I was replaced by someone else, even if I am no longer in love ith her. Barely 2 weeks if that. I am confused about the whole "moving on" quickly thing....does this happen? I certainly cannot date or see anyone after all of this. It is going to take some time for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 It seems to me that she must have been interested in, or perhaps already having a relationship with, this man before you seperated. I would also guess that she had lost interest in your marriage quite a while ago, and so is further along the seperation track than you are. I'm sorry you are hurting. It will get better in time. I think it would be best if the 2 of you t get seperate living accomodations as soon as possible. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 You need to make separate living arrangements now. I went through the horror of a six month in-house separation and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I offered to rent my W a place so we could have some time apart, but she'd have nothing of it. I was desperately trying to save our marriage and getting nowhere. I know now it is because she was still secretely seeing her OM. Your wife is a fool, BTW. The stupidest thing a woman can do is have an affair with her boss! These affairs are almost always discovered. In some companies, he'd loose his job for having a sexual relationship with a subordinate. But in most, he gets a quiet reprimand, while the woman gets booted. She just made herself a risk for a sexual harrassment suit against the company and their legal department will advise them to find a valid reason to cut her ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ResilientX Posted June 13, 2004 Author Share Posted June 13, 2004 I agree with you StartingAgain that it is stupid. However, how bad can it be when the Boss owns the company and controls the paychecks? Alsthough, I wonder what will happen if there is a personal crisis, as happens in any relationship, the enmeshment there is too close for comfort as far as I am concerned. I am deeply hurt by all of this but need to move on and get back on my feet. Thanks for all the posts! Link to post Share on other sites
Caveman Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Bang one of her friends. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Actually, if he owns the company, he's even stupider than she. If his business is formed as a sole proprietorship, his wive can make a claim in a divorce suit, which could resoult in his lossing his business. Even if he's incorporated, his wife can get a substantial pay out from the business. boy is he dumb -- to put both marriage and business on the line for the sake of a bit of tail. As I said, these affairs are almost impossible to keep secret. Where I used to work, the CFO was banging the one of the underlings. An admin assistant learned of the affair (some others of us also knew), but had the good sense to keep her mouth shut. But when the boss-banger found out that a woman knew of the affair, she went running to her honey. Within days, the CFO drummed up some lame assed excuse and fired the admin assistant. Had she been "that sort of woman," She'd have gone to the nearest phone, called the CFO's wife and the honey's husband, and spilled the beans. A lot of women can't stand it when another is doing the nasty with the boss. Either because it ofends them or because they are jealous and vidndictive, they will out the affair. If your wife's boss is married, his wife may be getting an anonymous phone call one day. There is justice in the world! It's just a matter of time before my ex learns what I already know: that her OM is also banging three other married women in different cities. He travels for his work and has honey's lined up for booty calls when he's in town. He likes them married, because he knows they will be discreet and won't pursue him. He thought he was clever, but he broke it off with one of his sluts, and she sent a nice little registered package to his wife. It contained a full disclosure of the affair and full-color 8x10s they'd taken of the kinky sex they'd been having. His wife responded by throwing his clothes out on the lawn and changing the locks. He ran to my wife - "his dear friend" - for comfort and advice. Within a week, he was banging her. Now she's left me and is living with him. He's so much better than I am and all that rot. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she learns exactly what she threw a perfectly good marriage away for. Actually, I cringe to think how badly she's going to be hurt, but it's her own damned fault. I and others tried to warn her about this guy, but she wouldn't hear it. A woman having an affair cannot think straight until it's too late. This is why you never try to work on your marriage if your wife is involved with an OM. It's a futile effort. If I had it to do over again. I would not have taken my ex's word that she'd ended her affair, but would have hired a PI to make sure of it. Rather than going through the months of painful futility only to finally be served with divorce papers, I'd have learned that she was lying to me, filed for divorce myself, and put her on the street. ResilientX, this didn't happen so quickly as you think. This moving on quickly thing is bulls**t. Ask any woman who's husband has left her how quickly she was ready to move on. It takes women a lot longer than men to get over a failed marriage, unless.... In all probability, she's been banging this guy for some time and that's the REAL reason for the separation. You are correct; it's going to take some time for you to get over this. It's hard and it's painful, but you *will* get over it. Allow yourself to feel the pain, the hurt and the anger. Don't try to deny it or put it aside. You are going to go through the stages of grief, just as if your wife had died. One of your first thoughts is going to be to go out and find yourself a woman. By all means get some sex if you want; there are plenty of women out there who just want to play. But DO NOT even think of becoming romatically involved with a woman until you have completely recovered from your divorce. The rule I learned was: if you are still angry with your ex-wife, you are not ready for another relationship. It is always harder for the one left behind. My ex is off having a grand old time. She has a new house, a new live-in boyfriend, a new life. How exciting for her. (I'm not being sarcastic; she really is excited). I was left behind with a house full of memories and associations, a broiling anger to deal with, and to try to figure out how everything can go so wrong so fast. I did it and you will too. Take solace in this: affairs rarely last more than six months to a year. Affairs are based on lies, so they cannot last. Men almost never marry the woman he's having an affair with. She's a known cheater. How can he really trust her? If he does marry her, the divorce rate for these marriages in over 90% and they usually fail within three years. They just can't work. You're huting now, but she's going to be hurting a lot more later when this all comes crashing down around her. There's ought to be a hotline, manned by women who've made this mistake, that women who are contemplating having an affair can call to find out just what they are setting themselves up for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ResilientX Posted June 13, 2004 Author Share Posted June 13, 2004 This man my wife is with is divorced once already with two children. They are going on vacation together so that he can meet his kids from a previous marriage. Sounds all very serious. Not that I would ever take her back. I am just getting through the pain and deception that I am feeling right now. I know it will get better in time. Link to post Share on other sites
KANSAN Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Sorry to hear about your situation, I'm in sort of a similar deal and what I've learned from the replies to my posts is just try your best to move on with your life. I'm like you just dealing with the pain deception, not ready or wanting to move on yet but you HAVE to. She is purposely trying to hurt you and to try to stop that move on or at least let her think that you've moved on she will either want you back or leave you alone either way you win. It sounds like your wife is pretty evil, getting back with her would be pretty risky but marriage is a risky business. Prepare yourself for the whorse then anything better is just icing on the cake. GOOD LUCK MAN Link to post Share on other sites
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