This situation is getting a little uncomfortable, insane, and crazy.

[PropertyChaser]

Hi guys,

 

It's been a long time since I've posted here but I need some critical feedback. For the last 18 months I've been going through a tug of war with my exgirlfriend. While both of us have moved on to a certain extent, her feelings towards me swing from caring, to loathing, to loving, to hating, sometimes all in the span of one phone call. Because we don't talk much any more this has played out over the span of months and it's getting old.

 

In my sole estimation, she subconsciously wants to make this as painful as stressful and tenuous and uncomfortable, so I will make the choice to just cut things off and that way she can blame me for not talking to her again. I don't think it's a malicious thing, rather, it's just the product of a relationship that had its ups and downs, and frankly, she has every right to have mixed feelings about me.

 

Girls, being emotional creatures, have to be handled delicately, and frankly I'm not sure how to approach her about this. Regardless of the fact that I'm no longer dating her, she's responsible for me being the person that I am today, I'm certainly a better person for having her in my life. So I feel that I owe it to her to explain what I'm thinking, the confusion that I feel, in hopes that she can figure it all out. If not, at least I've tried.

 

However, I'm not sure how she expects me to react from the frequent bipolar swings in her behaviour to me. Frankly, it's stressing me out, it's caused grief, and frankly she's said some pretty hurtful things. In response, I've said some ill conceived things as well. Let me make this clear, I was a really nice and understanding guy for the first 12 months of the break up, so much so that she started crying because she said she wanted me to be an "*******" so she could hate me and move on with her life.

 

But it's hit a critical juncture where talking to her further means taking more of a browbeating, or simply saying "No more." I don't enjoy having to make a choice between two extremes, but she's left me with little choice. Accepting the status quo is masochistic. In my eyes, it's almost abusive. She's repeatedly said she's wanted to be friends, but made the situation so uncomfortable, so compromising that it's impossible to be her friend.

 

I've wrote a note to her, but I'm not sure if it says the right things.

Edited March 23, 2012 by PropertyChaser

[Chiyo]

Unless you have children or something, walk away. Tell her you need space, you think things would be better for both of you, tell her that this is hurting you and you need space to heal and balance yourself... whatever. But seriously, this isn't helping you. You aren't friends - friends don't emotionally shred eachother to bits every time they talk, or even most times. Say what you need to say, tell her she's made you a better person, and go NC for at least a few months. Give yourself time to heal, time to truly move on. None of this is helping you or giving you anything. You don't need to torture yourself out of gratitude.

[Exit]

I think your answer is staring you in the face: you pretty much need to tell her everything you wrote here. Well, really, option A would be to take control of the situation yourself and just stop talking to her. We've all made that excuse before where we blame the other person for trapping us, "they're treating me badly so that way I'll be the one to put an end to it, and then they can blame me for walking away, that's not fair". I've said that to myself many times when it comes to exes who seem willing to keep talking to me. Why won't they tell me to go away, why do they let me keep trying, they should have to be the one to end it. But, it's kind of BS. It isn't any sort of clever trap. Cutting someone out of your life when they are treating you badly is exactly how it should work. It's called having boundaries. If she is purposely doing it so you will cut contact and she won't have to blame herself, so what? That's not your problem and you only have to go on playing this game as long as you want to (and really, all of us who find ourselves in these types of situations want to keep playing even when we complain about exes leading us on, otherwise we'd just stop).

 

So I see you as having two options. Suck it up and put an end to this BS, it sounds like having this girl still in your life is just a waste of your energy, I know it's tempting to keep going for the times that she is nice to you, but that's the exact story of dealing with people who have certain mental issues, we become conditioned to dealing with the BS and the hurt just for the few good moments of clarity, but that's toxic and not the way things should be. Or, tell her how you feel. You seem like you sound confused about what you would say to her, but pretty much everything that you said in your post seems like it would be perfectly fitting to say or write to her. I would tell her these things with the condition that you are getting it off your chest and then you are pretty much done with the situation either way, but that if she wants to give you a response she can, but anything short of a brilliant plan about how to work this out, or clearer definitions about how you are going to stay in each other's lives without making each other miserable, will not be enough to continue.

 

I think a good first step is to take ownership of your own role in this. We've all been strung along before and it's easy to feel like the victim, but we know the deep dark truth is that if we wanted to have a backbone and not let people play these childish games with us, we could stop it. I hope you mean it when you say you know you have to make the choice now. Either you guys are going to figure out how to treat each other decently and stay in contact, or you are going to have to be the one to end it, regardless of who she gets to pin the blame on in the end. You're letting the way she treats you start to effect your logic. If you decided to put an end to this, it doesn't mean that you're the one to blame. The one who is causing it to end is the one who is being abusive. Her actions are making you take this step. Don't fall into that trap of believing that if you end it, you're the guilty one. It's a consequence of her actions. If she can fool herself into blaming it on you, good for her, but just because you don't want to allow her the satisfaction of living in her own state of denial is not enough reason for you to keep doing this to yourself. If you leave and she decides to shout it from the mountain tops that you're the horrible one who gave up and decided to walk away, good for her. Don't let it effect you. Really this all seems kind of silly and a big waste of energy considering the relationship that you two had is over. Perfect example why 99% of people who break up can not handle staying in touch. I've been in your shoes before and I can only imagine the amount of physical and mental energy that has gone down the drain in 18 months, all wasted on a person who you are no longer even in a relationship with. Why keep going? That's a year and a half of frustration for no good reason. Accept that you guys are broken up and figure out a way to stop this. I say stand up for yourself and declare that you will not play a role in this anymore. Maybe if you show some backbone she'll disappear for a while and some day possibly figure out how to interact with you with respect and fairness.

 

I think you should read this Baggage Reclaim article about the pitfalls of being friends with an ex, seems very fitting for your situation.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/friends-dont-try-to-screw-you-screw-you-over-or-screw-with-your-mind-other-thoughts-on-being-friends-with-your-ex/#more-8417

Edited March 23, 2012 by Exit

[PropertyChaser]

I think your answer is staring you in the face: you pretty much need to tell her everything you wrote here. Well, really, option A would be to take control of the situation yourself and just stop talking to her. We've all made that excuse before where we blame the other person for trapping us, "they're treating me badly so that way I'll be the one to put an end to it, and then they can blame me for walking away, that's not fair". I've said that to myself many times when it comes to exes who seem willing to keep talking to me. Why won't they tell me to go away, why do they let me keep trying, they should have to be the one to end it. But, it's kind of BS. It isn't any sort of clever trap. Cutting someone out of your life when they are treating you badly is exactly how it should work. It's called having boundaries. If she is purposely doing it so you will cut contact and she won't have to blame herself, so what? That's not your problem and you only have to go on playing this game as long as you want to (and really, all of us who find ourselves in these types of situations want to keep playing even when we complain about exes leading us on, otherwise we'd just stop).

 

So I see you as having two options. Suck it up and put an end to this BS, it sounds like having this girl still in your life is just a waste of your energy, I know it's tempting to keep going for the times that she is nice to you, but that's the exact story of dealing with people who have certain mental issues, we become conditioned to dealing with the BS and the hurt just for the few good moments of clarity, but that's toxic and not the way things should be. Or, tell her how you feel. You seem like you sound confused about what you would say to her, but pretty much everything that you said in your post seems like it would be perfectly fitting to say or write to her. I would tell her these things with the condition that you are getting it off your chest and then you are pretty much done with the situation either way, but that if she wants to give you a response she can, but anything short of a brilliant plan about how to work this out, or clearer definitions about how you are going to stay in each other's lives without making each other miserable, will not be enough to continue.

 

I think a good first step is to take ownership of your own role in this. We've all been strung along before and it's easy to feel like the victim, but we know the deep dark truth is that if we wanted to have a backbone and not let people play these childish games with us, we could stop it. I hope you mean it when you say you know you have to make the choice now. Either you guys are going to figure out how to treat each other decently and stay in contact, or you are going to have to be the one to end it, regardless of who she gets to pin the blame on in the end. You're letting the way she treats you start to effect your logic. If you decided to put an end to this, it doesn't mean that you're the one to blame. The one who is causing it to end is the one who is being abusive. Her actions are making you take this step. Don't fall into that trap of believing that if you end it, you're the guilty one. It's a consequence of her actions. If she can fool herself into blaming it on you, good for her, but just because you don't want to allow her the satisfaction of living in her own state of denial is not enough reason for you to keep doing this to yourself. If you leave and she decides to shout it from the mountain tops that you're the horrible one who gave up and decided to walk away, good for her. Don't let it effect you. Really this all seems kind of silly and a big waste of energy considering the relationship that you two had is over. Perfect example why 99% of people who break up can not handle staying in touch. I've been in your shoes before and I can only imagine the amount of physical and mental energy that has gone down the drain in 18 months, all wasted on a person who you are no longer even in a relationship with. Why keep going? That's a year and a half of frustration for no good reason. Accept that you guys are broken up and figure out a way to stop this. I say stand up for yourself and declare that you will not play a role in this anymore. Maybe if you show some backbone she'll disappear for a while and some day possibly figure out how to interact with you with respect and fairness.

 

I think you should read this Baggage Reclaim article about the pitfalls of being friends with an ex, seems very fitting for your situation.

Be A Very Good Friend To You First…& Other Thoughts On Being Friends With Your Ex | Baggage Reclaim

 

I would agree with more or less everything that you are saying here, and that this needs to be it. I just figure I owe it to her to at least give her the opportunity to see what's going on here.

 

On one level or another, I don't think she can decide that she hates me, likes me, or is apathetic to me and as a result I'm seeing a combination of all three and that's hard to keep up with, and it isn't fun. It puts me in a position of having to say no.

 

You're right when you say it's almost self torture.

[CC12]

I just figure I owe it to her to at least give her the opportunity to see what's going on here.

 

You seem convinced that you need to explain why you don't want to be friends anymore, and while I don't think it's completely necessary, if you're going to do it, keep it short and sweet. Pretty much what you wrote here is sufficient:

 

On one level or another, I don't think she can decide that she hates me, likes me, or is apathetic to me and as a result I'm seeing a combination of all three and that's hard to keep up with, and it isn't fun.

 

And close it with something like, "Our friendship has run its course and I don't see it benefiting either one of us anymore so I think it's best that we end it here. I wish you the best. Bye, Katie."

 

Don't write anything that will make her want to respond. If you send her a giant wall of text about your feelings and where you two went wrong and all that, you're going to stir up emotions that she'll likely feel the need to address. Your goal is to end the friendship, not to get into a back-and-forth debate about it. So once you've sent her that, be done with her.

 

You're doing the right thing.

[nature]

wow I read your past posts to understand your situation, and you've been broken up with this girl for almost 2 years. And it still sounds very messed up. So you broke up with her because she was more or less taking you for granted? So in the past 2 years you have been hoping to get back together? Yet she's been dating someone and so have you? Are you still dating someone else? I'm a little confused, but it seems your ex is not coming back. Just from how she behaves and acts towards you. I'm so sorry you are hurting over her, but have you ever thought of really cutting her off and moving on with out her? Like not even having this on and off banter since your breakup 2 years ago? It must be very confusing for you.

[PropertyChaser]

wow I read your past posts to understand your situation, and you've been broken up with this girl for almost 2 years. And it still sounds very messed up. So you broke up with her because she was more or less taking you for granted? So in the past 2 years you have been hoping to get back together? Yet she's been dating someone and so have you? Are you still dating someone else? I'm a little confused, but it seems your ex is not coming back. Just from how she behaves and acts towards you. I'm so sorry you are hurting over her, but have you ever thought of really cutting her off and moving on with out her? Like not even having this on and off banter since your breakup 2 years ago? It must be very confusing for you.

 

We broke up about 18 months ago, each time I think we've moved on I end up getting some emotional cathartic diatribe from her. This last happened a handful of months ago where after not hearing from her for about 3 months she spent 3 hours in sobbing tears telling me how she isn't over me, and that I'm the most attractive guy she's ever dated.

 

Then she goes back to being a standoffish wankslice.

 

When she broke up with the last guy she saw - I was the first guy she called. I declined to take that call.

 

I have no desire to get back together with her, especially now, I suppose I'm more conflicted about why she insists on calling me a friend when all the other things suggest she's got no interest in that.

[Million.to.1]

i kinda feel sorry for her. She sounds very confused and i'm sure she hates her behavior as much as you do, she just can't control it.

 

i agree that ending this sudo friendship will be better for you both. Be short and sweet and honest. It's all you can really do.

 

It's sad how this happens, but it can't be helped.

[nature]

When she broke up with the last guy she saw - I was the first guy she called. I declined to take that call.

 

I have no desire to get back together with her, especially now, I suppose I'm more conflicted about why she insists on calling me a friend when all the other things suggest she's got no interest in that.

 

I hate to say it, but I think you are her security blanket. You are always there to make her feel better when she needs someone. She knows that if she puts on the tears, she can always count on you, because you are a nice guy. So she keeps you in her life as an ego boost, so no matter what happens with any new guys, she knows you are always somewhere in the background, and she can always contact you. It gives her a sense of security. It doesn't sound like shes wanted you back for a relationship at all. She just likes knowing there is a guy out there who SHE assumes still has the desire for her. She assumes because you haven't cut her off completely, and are nice, that you still want her.

 

Sorry to tell you that, but that's how women think. And I think men too, when they keep an ex around in the background as a security blanket. She dangles carrots in front of you, tosses you some breadcrumbs by crying and telling you that you are the hottest guy she's ever dated, and she knows this keeps you hanging on. You may not want to get back together with her, but in her head, you still do because of the fact you still allow her to keep contacting you. As long as this isnt a detriment to you and your own personal life. Have you dated since you broke up almost 2 years ago? Sounds like you broke up in May of 2010 so it's almost 2 years.

 

Have you been able to move on at all? Get into a relationship with someone else? Not that you need to, but just hope this girl doing this to you hasn't caused you to wall up to other people. I say this because you deserve someone who doesn't just see you as an option, but treats you like a priority.

[PropertyChaser]

When she broke up with the last guy she saw - I was the first guy she called. I declined to take that call.

 

I have no desire to get back together with her, especially now, I suppose I'm more conflicted about why she insists on calling me a friend when all the other things suggest she's got no interest in that.

 

I hate to say it, but I think you are her security blanket. You are always there to make her feel better when she needs someone. She knows that if she puts on the tears, she can always count on you, because you are a nice guy. So she keeps you in her life as an ego boost, so no matter what happens with any new guys, she knows you are always somewhere in the background, and she can always contact you. It gives her a sense of security. It doesn't sound like shes wanted you back for a relationship at all. She just likes knowing there is a guy out there who SHE assumes still has the desire for her. She assumes because you haven't cut her off completely, and are nice, that you still want her.

 

Sorry to tell you that, but that's how women think. And I think men too, when they keep an ex around in the background as a security blanket. She dangles carrots in front of you, tosses you some breadcrumbs by crying and telling you that you are the hottest guy she's ever dated, and she knows this keeps you hanging on. You may not want to get back together with her, but in her head, you still do because of the fact you still allow her to keep contacting you. As long as this isnt a detriment to you and your own personal life. Have you dated since you broke up almost 2 years ago? Sounds like you broke up in May of 2010 so it's almost 2 years.

 

Have you been able to move on at all? Get into a relationship with someone else? Not that you need to, but just hope this girl doing this to you hasn't caused you to wall up to other people. I say this because you deserve someone who doesn't just see you as an option, but treats you like a priority.

 

To answer your question, yes I have been able to move on, and I've dated a bunch of girls since.

 

But I'm fixated on failure, I hate failure. That's what this feels like and it sucks.