DT00 Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 It was a week ago this past thursday I was in bed and the phone rings at 1am. I answer the phone and its another guy. He begins to tell me that we are both being cheated(meaning me and him) I ask him what he means by that and he ask for my wife. I started to shake and my wife seeing this jumps up and grabs the phone from me and starts talking to this guy like she has known him forever. After getting the back on the phone with this guy he begins to tell me he is in love with my wife and that they have been seeing each other at work and 2 days of the week when she was suppose to be going class for the past 3 months. I didnt know what to think, and he tells me that he was a co worker of hers and tells me his name and I have never met the guy but I have heard about him and his family through my wife before. He told me my wife had been telling me I beat her and I was addicted to drugs and whatever other lies. He tells me that he left his wife and his son and my wife had been seeing him at his new place. I hung up with him and my wife was quick to tell me that he was stalking her and was harassing her. After talking about this all night and half the next day she finally comes clean that she had been seeing this guy. She had been sneaking around her workplace with him, telling everyone at her work that her and I were divorcing, she was meeting this guy instead of going to her class that was in the late evenings.I asked her if she loved him and she said she dosent think now that she did but she was telling him she loved him while this was going on. I feel so confused as to how or why this could go on and I ask her what went wrong and she has no answers for me. I went from being very outgoing energetic fun person to this deeply depressed unsocial being that just is not me. I love this woman with everything I have and I thought she loved me the same. I would never have imagined my wife could do the things she has done with another man. I feel sick at times, I feel angry, I have cried more in the past week than I can ever remember in my life. I feel lost, I always thougt things were good and we were happy but if that was true than how would she be able to do something like this? am I right? What do I do, Im 23 yrs old and have a 4 almost 5 yr old beautiful daughter with this woman. I dont want to leave but I dont want to stay. Can I ever trust again? She tells me she is so sorry and everything else cheaters say when they get busted but I dont know if I can believe that or not. I have the feeling she is sorry she got caught and is scared I am going to leave her which is what I feel is my only option right now. I was going to go stay with some friends because it kills me to look at her everyday and know that some stranger to me has shared feelings for my wife that should have been shared between only us anyways anytime I try to be calm and talk to her about this seperation she begins flips out and Im not sure she wouldn't hurt herself so I feel bad for her and for a second forget why I was even packing and I consol her and I think she gets the impression everything is going to be ok. I think everyday about packing up and moving out while she is at work(she quick her job where the affair was going on and started a new one) even now as I am writing this I edbate in my head whether or not I should go? Is it possible for me to forgive all the emotions and intimacy they shared? Right now I dont ever see that happening but I couldnt see myself without her either. Damned if I do , Damned if I dont. Sorry for the long post. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Marriage Counseling. Call around today and try to set up an appointment ASAP. It is possible to have a happy marriage after one partner has cheated. Whether we like to realize this or not, our lovers make mistakes. She might regret this. She might be faithful to you as long as she lives if you can work things out. But you won't know until you are able to talk openly about what has happened, and decide what it is that you want to do. With a counselor present. I'm so sorry. Good luck to you. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
ms_life Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 I wasn' t married when something similiar happened to me, but I went on and married the guy 4-5 years later. Our marriage has been a nightmare. I thought that I was strong enough to handle the situation and I have handled it but it has been a constant struggle. What I suggest to you is that you step back and take some time for yourself and truly look at the situation before you make any decisions. You need to really look at why it happened, will you ever really forgive, because you might forgive someone but it doesn't mean that you forget. and if that infidelity is constant on your mind then you are not going to be able to trust and without trust your mind is constantly tormented about where your wife is, who is she with, is she really with them or are they covering for her, and what is she doing and who is she doing it with. Just saying that you will work things is easy. The actual working it out is long time strain. If you decide to work it out make sure you don't hold back in getting everyone of the question in your mind answer such as : why, when, how often, where, did you ever take my child around this person, did she use protection, what sexual activities and so on. These are question that you are going to have to get answered to help you move on. And don't stay for the children they will know that the two of you aren't happy. On a positive note the saying once a cheat always a cheat isn't necessarily true. People change if they really want to. Don't blame yourself for any of the cheating she choose that not you. She did it because she wanted to. Hope it works out however you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Infidelity in an of itself is not grounds for divorce unless the cheating partner refuses to end the cheating and get some help. Infidelity is not the problem in the marriage, it is a symptom of a marriage with serious problems. Suffice it to say that the problem in the mariage may be the cheating partner. You do not say if your wife wants to be in the marriage or not. If she does, the two of you have a lot of serious work to do. You can learn to trust her again, but it's going to take a long, long time and a LOT of commitment on her part. Make no mistake, the two of you cannot get through this without good professional help. Do not try to do this alone. If you do, your marriage is doomed. You can recover. Because you have children, you MUST give it your best shot -- BOTH of you. A good place to start for some great advice is http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Go there pronto! And then get to a marriage therapist (not one of these touchy-feeling marriage councellors). I hear your pain, my friend. I've been there too. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Marriage Counseling Deranged said it best, which was what I was going to suggest. If you and your wife are serious about making the marriage work, marriage counceling is your best bet. It is possible to have a happy marriage after one partner has cheated. Whether we like to realize this or not, our lovers make mistakes. She might regret this. She might be faithful to you as long as she lives if you can work things out. But you won't know until you are able to talk openly about what has happened, and decide what it is that you want to do. With a counselor present. I was in a similar situation with my H but now our marriage is been going on the right track, we also have a daughter together. Talk to your wife, make sure all contact with this man is over. Also, it is not unreasonable for you to demand to know where she is and what she is doing at all times for the moment, because she broke the trust and should understand herself. He told me my wife had been telling me I beat her and I was addicted to drugs and whatever other lies. He tells me that he left his wife and his son and my wife had been seeing him at his new place. This is the PERFECT example (provided it's not true) of how MM and MW lie to the OM/OW about the relationships they are in. Remember the many other posts by the other people "he/she says the marriage is dead" (example). You didn't know your wife was saying those things. Your wife is lucky that you have not left yet. It is hard when you do have a child. Marriage counceling will be your best bet. GOOD LUCK TO YOU Link to post Share on other sites
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