Met xMM.

[Gentlegirl2]

At his request after 15 months NC.

 

I am very glad I did, because I looked at him and thought WTF did I ever see in you?

 

He looks terrible and has lost a tremendous amount of weight, due to the unhappiness of his wife and his own unhappiness. It didn't move me one bit. I just thought.. "Oh well, you chose to have the A and now you can't understand the consequences. Where were your kind thoughts after you dumped me?"

 

I kept my counsel and had a chat. He asked when we were saying farewell if I ever want any further contact with him. I simply said no , no point at all. I explained that the meet up had given me the peace I had been looking for and now my future was waiting for me.

 

It was like talking to somebody who was vaguely familiar, but nothing more. No fireworks or chemistry. It's called indifference.

 

I guess it happens...it's my turn.

 

GG

[nonamefornow]

So pleased to hear this news GG! Indifference is what I hope I can get to soon!

[BrighterWashing]

At his request after 15 months NC.

 

He looks terrible and has lost a tremendous amount of weight, due to the unhappiness of his wife and his own unhappiness. It didn't move me one bit. I just thought.. "Oh well, you chose to have the A and now you can't understand the consequences. Where were your kind thoughts after you dumped me

 

GG

 

Did he force you to have an affair? If not then why should he have kind thoughts for the person who helped him hurt his wifIe and his marriage? I do not know why OW expect to be thought of kindly by the MM if he goes back to his wife. It isn't possible to do that and be reconciling with her. To think of you as anything other than a broken or selfish person like himself at the time would be betraying her all over again.

 

As for consequences of course he should have them and so should you. And 15 months is nothing. It can take 2-5 years to heal from an affair and I'd a WS is truly remorseful they may never forgive themselves.

 

FWIW it sounds like he was reopening the door to you and if I were his wife I'd want to know. Bastard. You'd both be well rid of him.

[Gentlegirl2]

Get over your self righteous crap. This is a support group. Slamming people and judging them is not looked upon very kindly here.

 

You sound to me as though you are still in pain and hurting. I do hope you feel better soon.

 

Until you feel a little better, it is not a good idea to assume that people are all idiots or there is one fix it all just soution for everybody. There simply isn't.

 

Life takes many twists and turns... nothing or nobody is all good or bad.

 

My best wishes for a speedy recovery are with you,

 

GG

[BrighterWashing]

I'm sorry if my tone offended you but I stand by the underlying point: he shouldn't think kindly of you if he's going to stay married. Same would be true of you if you were also married. It just can't work that way. And why would he? Two broken people had an affair, why would either want to go back to being liars and being with a liar?

 

I think your expectation was highly unrealistic. And he sounds like he's not really trying with his wife.

 

I wasn't suggesting a fix, more an adjustment of expectations.

Edited March 23, 2012 by BrighterWashing

[Spark1111]

At his request after 15 months NC.

 

I am very glad I did, because I looked at him and thought WTF did I ever see in you?

 

He looks terrible and has lost a tremendous amount of weight, due to the unhappiness of his wife and his own unhappiness. It didn't move me one bit. I just thought.. "Oh well, you chose to have the A and now you can't understand the consequences. Where were your kind thoughts after you dumped me?"

 

I kept my counsel and had a chat. He asked when we were saying farewell if I ever want any further contact with him. I simply said no , no point at all. I explained that the meet up had given me the peace I had been looking for and now my future was waiting for me.

 

It was like talking to somebody who was vaguely familiar, but nothing more. No fireworks or chemistry. It's called indifference.

 

I guess it happens...it's my turn.

 

GG

 

GG, kudos to you!

 

I know many espouse NC for life, but I am not one of them.

 

jlola has an interesting thread about the chemicals of infatuation that make us crazy and those are the same chemicals produced by affairs.

 

All infatuation chemicals fade with time, and NC is important initially to wean yourself off of them. Very painful, like giving up an addiction.

 

But once they are gone, they are gone.

 

And you are not the first fOW, fOM, to ask, what the hell was I thinking?

[carhill]

OP, thanks for the update. Question: Did he directly state anything regarding his or his W's happiness/unhappiness? I'm asking because you mentioned 'due to', like there was some sort of proactive explanation provided for his weight loss and appearance. He did evidently seek to meet with you.

 

Best wishes in your healing and future life. At our ages, it's nice to accept the past and move forward. Not a lot of life left so make the most of it.

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry if my tone offended you but I stand by the underlying point: he shouldn't think kindly of you if he's going to stay married. Same would be true of you if you were also married. It just can't work that way. And why would he? Two broken people had an affair, why would either want to go back to being liars and being with a liar?

 

I think your expectation was highly unrealistic. And he sounds like he's not really trying with his wife.

 

I wasn't suggesting a fix, more an adjustment of expectations.

 

So thinking kindly of someone ruins a person's relationship with someone else?

 

Lets say a MM left his wife to be with his OW. Are you suggesting that he absolutely under no circumstances should ever think kindly of the person he shared time, moments, years with - ever?

 

I think believing that one can know and/or control how another person thinks is a very unrealistic expectation.

[kareena]

GG,I'm really glad to hear this update it sure sounds like you're doing well.I was just wndering,did you make the comment about his appearance because you are still hurting or do you still care just a tad? I'm only asking because I personally believe that it's very important to know exactly where you stand in order to avoid going on an emotional roller coaster. Best of luck to you,I hope to reach to where you are one day.

[wannabdone]

Good for you GG!

 

I do not understand why ppl think that a OW/OM do not deserve at least respect. Just because someone is choosing to stay with their spouse and work it out does not mean that they can not offer a respectful and honest reply that they are choosing that path. I would think that the BS would want them to close that up to truly move on.

 

I just am one who thinks no matter the circumstances that you always treat people with kindness and respect.

[wannabdone]

Understand I'm not bashing you, GG, but I'm just curious. Why did you agree to take the meeting? If you were really done with him, I'm confused what purpose meeting him served?

 

Also, it's great that you felt nothing for him, but what if you had? Wouldn't you have considered that a setback to your healing?

 

 

I think everyone has to deal with grief and closure differently. Maybe she felt she needed this to really prove to herself it was over. Maybe she wanted to give him the finger and show him how she had moved on.... we all process differently.

[carhill]

Reading GG's thread caused me to realize I did pretty much the same thing, except 14 years later, and was able to finally and completely put that part of life to bed and achieve neutrality and peace. If her goal in meeting was closure and/or neutrality and peace with her decision, then I applaud her for getting to it in an expedient manner. Being a slowpoke certainly didn't do me any favors.

[OpenBook]

Good for you GG! Love how you gently but firmly drew your boundary with him. Well done. Onward and upward.

[TigerCub]

GG,

 

Good for you for getting your closure, and especially good for you for making sure that its all done and over with now and ensuring that he understands that he's not to contact you again.

 

Happy Future! :bunny:

[whichwayisup]

Good for you GG! Love how you gently but firmly drew your boundary with him. Well done. Onward and upward.

 

This pretty much sums it up.

 

I hope now he leaves you alone and respects your decision not to keep in touch.

[jwi71]

OP, thanks for the update. Question: Did he directly state anything regarding his or his W's happiness/unhappiness? I'm asking because you mentioned 'due to', like there was some sort of proactive explanation provided for his weight loss and appearance. He did evidently seek to meet with you.

 

Best wishes in your healing and future life. At our ages, it's nice to accept the past and move forward. Not a lot of life left so make the most of it.

 

I picked upon that as well.

 

My fear is stray and poisonous hopes. Or a sense of satisfaction in his "suffering" in not picking you ie an indirect comparison/victory over the W.

 

And IF that's the case, I would worry that you are not completely done with processing the A along the lines of jthorn's post.

 

Not a huge fan of meeting x-lovers, especially in secret.

 

I am glad you set a boundary and walked away though.

[whichwayisup]

At his request after 15 months NC.

 

Why did he want to meet you? Other than you getting closure and you knowing the A is over, what was the point of him requesting to see you? Did he tell his wife that he was meeting you?

 

Just wondering why 'whatever' couldn't have been said in an email or over the phone.

 

What if he had told you they are on the way to divorce and he wanted to get back together with you? How would you have reacted?

[beenburned]

Tiger,

I do understand the point BW was making!

 

Your example does not apply , as the BW/BH were not the people responsible for trying to destroy a marriage with an affair.

 

Her example is of 2 married people having an affair with each other. If both of them decide to stay in their marriages, and end the affair, then their only priority has to be their spouse and their marriage.

 

All of my H's 3 OW were young, single, and childless. They were only after my H for some wild fun sex. They didn't care at all that he was married with young kids.

 

He also thought it was innocent fun as long as I didn't find out about it. He found out very differently on d-day!

 

I can't control what anyone thinks about another person, but he now must realize(after d-day and the consequences), that a person that is willing to help you destroy your life is not a person to think kindly of.(or respect)

 

There are the exceptions of people that fall in love and divorce to live honestly with their former OW/OM.

[TigerCub]

Tiger,

I do understand the point BW was making!

 

Your example does not apply , as the BW/BH were not the people responsible for trying to destroy a marriage with an affair.

 

Her example is of 2 married people having an affair with each other. If both of them decide to stay in their marriages, and end the affair, then their only priority has to be their spouse and their marriage.

 

All of my H's 3 OW were young, single, and childless. They were only after my H for some wild fun sex. They didn't care at all that he was married with young kids.

 

He also thought it was innocent fun as long as I didn't find out about it. He found out very differently on d-day!

 

I can't control what anyone thinks about another person, but he now must realize(after d-day and the consequences), that a person that is willing to help you destroy your life is not a person to think kindly of.(or respect)

 

There are the exceptions of people that fall in love and divorce to live honestly with their former OW/OM.

 

Thanks for taking the time to explain your POV on this bb.

 

I just find it hard to believe that a person someone was fond of or loved even (in their own way) at some point must automatically be thought of in a negative way, just to make a relationship with someone else work.

 

I just find no need to think hostile thoughts on anyone. So that rule that an xMM must not think kindly of someone makes no sense to me.

 

I'm getting the impression that to you, or maybe other BSs, see the fact that a WS doesn't hate or doesn't think (unkindly) of their Ap seems like another betrayal.

 

I've never been in your shoes, so I wont even pretend to understand that, but all I'm saying is that, to me at least, true forgiveness is when there are no more hostile thoughts about someone, and just being indifferent, even if a kind thought crossed the mind once in a blue moon, it means nothing.

 

you say that a person that helps you to destroy your life is not someone you think kindly of or respect - I'm really not trying to be an ass or be insensitive, but did your husband not destroy aspects of YOUR life, not once but 3 times, so does that mean that you don't think kindly of him?

Were you ever able to regain any respect for him?

 

I just find situations where BSs hold so much contempt for Aps for being "broken" and selfish and (fill in the blank)... and yet the WS doesn't get that kind of judgement, the WS gets to keep their life and their spouse and all is forgiven, because the hatred is directed mostly at the AP.

 

I'm not saying APs are not deserving of contempt, but for them to be almost totally blamed for it while the WS gets away with it and is excused, just seems a bit off to me.

 

I really just don't understand that point of view. But I will admit, its most likely because I've never been in those shoes, and quite honestly, I can't say one way or another how I'd feel.

 

Thanks for your opinions, and I truly hope you didn't find my post insensitive or disrespectful in any way, that's not my intention.

[whichwayisup]

I just find it hard to believe that a person someone was fond of or loved even (in their own way) at some point must automatically be thought of in a negative way, just to make a relationship with someone else work.

But you are comparing affairs vs marriage/regular relationships. It's apples and oranges. the affair dynamic is NOT the same as it is in a regular relationship or a marriage. It's two different playing fields.

 

Many people who have affairs realize afterwards that they were NOT in love - But in lust - with OP. Loved the attention, the intensity etc.. It isn't until the CS reconnects with his/her BS, the fog lifts and they realize how unhealthy and selfish the A was, and also what the feelings were based on.

 

Just my 2 cents and I'm not saying ALL affairs or ALL WS's are like this, but many of them are.

[2sunny]

So glad you felt neutral! Woot! That is a good place to be! Growth for sure!

[TigerCub]

But you are comparing affairs vs marriage/regular relationships. It's apples and oranges. the affair dynamic is NOT the same as it is in a regular relationship or a marriage. It's two different playing fields.

 

Many people who have affairs realize afterwards that they were NOT in love - But in lust - with OP. Loved the attention, the intensity etc.. It isn't until the CS reconnects with his/her BS, the fog lifts and they realize how unhealthy and selfish the A was, and also what the feelings were based on.

 

Just my 2 cents and I'm not saying ALL affairs or ALL WS's are like this, but many of them are.

 

Thanks for your take WWIU.

 

I think that even if the feelings were different and its not the same as a real R, at some point there was still fondness for that person, even if to some it was because of an ego boost. kind/fond feelings were there at some point.

 

You say that some of these BS realize how unhealthy and selfish the A was and what the feelings were based on. Even so, does that make what was felt at the time, at that moment back in the day any less real?

[beenburned]

Tiger,

Thank you for your honest post!

 

I can assure you my H paid dearly for his selfishness. It is normal for a BS to take 2-5 years to heal, and that is assuming the FWS changed completely and was remorseful.

 

Trust and respect take many years of seeing positive actions to rebuild. It's a hard road and only about 35% of marriages touched by infidelity make it in the long run.

 

You spoke of the BW feeling like it's another betrayal if the FWS thinks kindly of the OW. That's certainly part of feeling your spouse is still not 100% loyal to you and your marriage. (or truly committed)

 

But I view it mainly that his moral compass and values are not up to par with mine. And that might well lead to repeated infidelities in the future!

[TigerCub]

Tiger,

Thank you for your honest post!

 

I can assure you my H paid dearly for his selfishness. It is normal for a BS to take 2-5 years to heal, and that is assuming the FWS changed completely and was remorseful.

 

Trust and respect take many years of seeing positive actions to rebuild. It's a hard road and only about 35% of marriages touched by infidelity make it in the long run.

 

You spoke of the BW feeling like it's another betrayal if the FWS thinks kindly of the OW. That's certainly part of feeling your spouse is still not 100% loyal to you and your marriage. (or truly committed)

 

But I view it mainly that his moral compass and values are not up to par with mine. And that might well lead to repeated infidelities in the future!

 

Thank you bb for responding.

 

What you said in bold is really interesting.

I'm not married, and so the only example I can think of is when I was in high-school. I used to hang out with people, and skip class and smoke up and do all that stuff - that wasn't good stuff, and it sure could have ruined my future if I took it too far and didn't end up going to college and stuff like that.

 

BUt its funny cuz even if those people were bad for me at the time, we were in the same boat and we did the same **** and even looking back now, I can look back and laugh at some silly stuff and think of them fondly.

 

I know my example isn't the same totally, and skipping school and getting high and getting into a lot of trouble isn't the same as infidelity, but at that time it was something that could "ruin" things for me, and those people and our actions were "bad for me", but they weren't bad people and we all did the same thing.

 

So even if I do think back on it fondly, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna start skipping work and getting high now.

 

I dunno, sorry if my example isn't the same as infidelity, but that's what came to mind when I first read that in bold.

 

If you don't mind my asking - how long have your and your H been working on reconciling?

 

I'm glad that he is working hard to make amends and prove himself to you.

[Spark1111]

I have no expectation that my H dislike and/or condemn his fAP. He IS a nice guy and he IS a catch and I'm sure she saw what I saw in him and became attracted. He was attracted to me enough to marry me and I think, on some level, she and I have potentially many similiarities in certain traits.

 

I just need him to accept that she was not a friend to me and our relationship, and as long as he professes to love me and want a relationship with me, that is the one area of accountability on both their parts he cannot ever forget.

 

"Friends" do not help you betray your spouse, devastate your children, overthrow your legacy and throw your reputation, job, friends and family into a s**tstorm for "luurve." They also do not break contact years later, fish to re-initiate and speak contemptuously to the fBS who has left them alone for years.

 

She is no longer his friend or my anything and cannot be a part of our lives whatsoever.

 

But if he has a passing kind thought of his ill-conceived, potentially self-destructive fantasy life with her, who cares?

 

If he wanted her, he could have chosen her. He didn't. And for a man, that speaks volumes of where his mind and heart lie.