Are these "Red Flags" to a relationship going nowhere?

[jeff2705]

Red Flags?

 

Someone please help me with this . .

 

I had a 10 yr relationship with a girl that was very loving and intense, and we wound up going our separate ways about 4 yrs ago. I was very hearbroken when we broke up, but have recovered.

 

She contacted me recently and has told me the following:

 

She has another guy.

She wants me as a "freind".

They may break up, and wants to re-establish the freindship we had.

She wants nothing physical right now, not even freindly hand-holding, etc.

She talks about how she is unhappy, but tells me about instances where it seems to me that she is very happy!

She is not guaranteeing anything, but wants to see if we still have a "connection".

She is not loving in any way, not even in her manner of speaking. Talks to me like I'm one of her "girlfreinds", for lack of a better term.

 

I cannot be just a "freind" to her, and I told her that, and she thinks I am being selfish.

 

I do not want to go through the pain I did when we first broke up. Should I run for the hills, or see if she really wants more? She has always been my dream girl, and I have missed her terribly and always hoped she would come back. What should I do?

[Pyrannaste]

I cannot be just a "freind" to her, and I told her that, and she thinks I am being selfish.

 

She sounds like the selfish one to me.

She should respect your not feeling ready to be 'just a friend'.

 

You sound like you are not completely through her yet.

To recover from the breakup must have taken you a lot of time/pain, you are wise not wanting to risk to go through it again.

 

It is up to you to decide whether you want to risk getting heartbroken again.

If you meet each other, you are the one risking to experience pain, not her.

 

 

I don't like the fact she did not sound loving, that she said plainly she is not guaranteeing anything and that she is currently in a relationship.

I hate to say it and I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds like she would like to have you around for support/someone to talk to/self esteem boost-up, to have a man who cares for her around, or to get together with you if she can't make things work in her current relationship.

That she wants you as a friend because it will make her feel better to have you around. (even at your expenses, since she called you selfish instead of being understanding when you told her you could not be 'just a friend)

Or perhaps it's just curiosity on her part.

 

It's up to you to decide. I suggest, if you decide to take the risk, that you wait at least until she is single.

 

good luck whatever your decision is.

[moimeme]

I cannot be just a "freind" to her, and I told her that, and she thinks I am being selfish.

 

Unbelievable! It is she who is being selfish by ignoring the fact that trying to be 'just friends' with her will be painful to you and insisting you do it anyway - for her!!!!

 

Boy do you ever not need someone like that in your life. This lack of concern for your feelings should be one more very good reason to add to the reasons you need to get over her.

[samehere]

the same thing happened to me. Shes selfish you should just let her go. I know its harder than it sounds but unless you've shown that you've moved on without her maybe she'll come to that realization. People don't know what they got till its gone. Maybe shes not the one everything happens for a reason, live in the moment don't think about the past or the future just be and listen to the voice in your head, follow your heart but most of all feel it from the soul.

[red-rose-in-winter]

My advice to you is to run for the hills. You don't need someone so selfish in your life ~ you deserve better. You did just fine without her all those years after you broke up. She's just looking for someone to fall back on just in case this current relationship ends.

[Fancy]

Run for the hillls. This woman is only wanting to play you to get an ego boost. You need to leave this one alone. Unless, of course, you want to endure the pain of recovering from a heartache yet again.

[Karlise13]

Sounds to me like she wants an 'iron in the fire' just in case her relationship doesn't work out.

 

Hey, is that what you want to be? Somebody's back-up plan?

 

If she's calling you 'selfish' because you have honest-to-God real feelings for this girl, she's immature and selfish.

 

I would nip this one in the bud, PRONTO

[moss23]

Run for the hills and don't let her follow you dude!

 

Sounds like this girl wants all the slices of the cake, and it sounds like you know it too. Everybody here knows that relationships just don't work that way. 10 years is a very long time man, but as you stated, you've already started to move on. Keep moving in that direction and don't look back.

 

I think it shows your strength in character that you've come this far from a relationship as serious as this one. You owe it to yourself not to go back there.

 

I agree with everyone here - she sounds incredibly selfish.

[ViewFromAbove]

It all depends on how much risk you want to take. Not knowing her intentions makes it difficult to decide. It sounds like you still have strong feelings for her but you're also warry about getting hurt again and rightly so. Clearly it is an unbalanced relationship...you having more feelings for her...she testing the water again after a potentially failed relationship with her current guy. You're in a difficult position. You have two choices. Either not act on this opportunity and never know if things would work out or risk getting hurt again because her intentions might not be honorable because she may be looking for a safety net.

 

It always help to get other people's opinions and I guess that's why you posted here. Many have told you that she is selfish and doesn't deserve a second chance. But I do believe in love and you do have a possibility of a relatioship with her. You might have to learn to accept the fact that you lost her once and you could potentially lose her again. Where will this get you in the long run? Well there's a saying...to thine self be true. If your heart is wanting to try again, then you mind will go along with caution.

 

Even if you end up together, you may find yourself in an empty relationship where it looks like you have it all except that real deep, down commitment. After all, she demonstrated that she could leave you and be with someone else. Only you know what she is capabable of. Whatever decision you make, be sure that you look at things honestly and not discard the so call "red flags". Once you bring marriage and children into the picture, you will not find yourself in this situation where you can walk away and not look back.

 

 

It is hard to give someone a second chance when they've hurt you. Just be as strong as you can, and do what you can. Do your best not to settle for anything less than what you envision your life to be, but if you do end up trying again with her and she hurts you again, try somehow to find peace within yourself and forgive yourself for making the same mistake twice.

 

Good luck. I hope you find the answer you're looking for here.

[jeff2705]

Thanks for all your input into this situation.

 

Here is what I decided to do:

 

I put together a CD of songs that told the story of our relationship from it's beginning. It wasn't just "our" songs, or songs that reminded me of her. The lyrics actually told our story, (our beginning, the good years, the breakup, the years since, and what if we never get together, etc. ) if put one after the other. The purpose of doing this was to maybe remind her of how good it was, and if nothing else, a history (in memories). The last song referred to us never getting together again, how sad it would be, etc. It was very emotional for me doing this, but it gave me closure also if there was to be that.

 

I had told her before that I could not meet with her occasionally just as a freind (too emotional for me), but I wanted to meet her one more time, kind of a "good-bye till whenever" meeting. I met with her, gave it to her as a surprise, and she wanted to know if she could contact me once her "current" situation is over, and I told her no. The only time I want to hear from her is when she knows that it's a commitment with me she wants, not just because she's alone, or bored, or needs a "freind". When we parted, she had not listened to it yet, didn't know what was on it (because I just listed the songs as words, like 1. Love, 2. Hope, etc. I told her it was my "love note" to her.

 

But she went away from there with it, and now she can listen to it, and maybe at some point the lyrics/emotions will get through to her. But I am satisfied knowing that she knows where I stand, and I left her with a gift that only her and I would understand. To anyone else, it is just a collection of songs. So females out there, is this something you would like to receive from a guy that you've been in a relationship with? Just the fact that someone would go to this kind of effort for you would have to say something. . . . .Anyway, thanks very much.

[Karlise13]

Well, that was a very sweet gesture you made and I hope she appreciates it.

 

I have to give you one more heads-up though...and this is based on how I acted and how my mindset was when I was younger.

 

Whenever I was sure I could 'get' someone pretty much anytime I was ready to have them, I didn't appreciate it.

 

I mean, you're telling her, "No....I don't want to be your 'buddy' (and GOOD for you by the way!) but you're also kind of telling her "I'll be waiting here for you whenever you're ready to have me"

 

I don't know if that's the message you should leave her with.

 

I would give her a timeline. Say something like three months. Tell her "These are my feelings for you. It's painful for me to know you're with someone else, and that's why I can't be just friends. However, I'll accept the situation and hope that within the next few months you may think things over and come back. If you don't, I plan to move on."

 

In the meantime, DATE. DATE A LOT.

 

Good luck. Love sure is hard sometimes. But NEVER NEVER let someone think they can take you for granted. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, we too often abuse 'understanding' from another person.

[jeff2705]

That is probably very true . . . . she probably wouldnt appreciate it . . .. . . .I guess that hardest part for me is giving her a timeline of some kind and then what if it didn't happen . . .then I know there is NO possibility, and for me, that would be pretty heartbreaking. But it is definitely worth thinking about. I like your suggestion of dating a lot. . . . .Maybe there is someone else out there, and if she did come back, I might not care! To me, that would be the best. . . . . . .So thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to help me.