make him feel loved

[doingitwrong]

hi i have a few questions, one of my husbands complaints is that i dont show him enough attention or make him feel loved. i have no idea what to do better. i mean we hold hands , kiss hug etc. i tell him i love him i buy little cards. i've tried to come out and ask him, he says i shouldnt have to tell you,

 

i'm just lost he is really upset about this. and i'm lost any ideas?

[giggy]

Hi. I had the same situation with someone I was with. We got along great but there was something missing. I was the one who had the answer.

 

We walked and talked, held hands , kissed ... etc

 

But when it came to the bedroom there was something missing. We made love but the oral sex was never there. When something like this is missing , I couldn't tell her because I felt it would be too demanding.

 

In another situation there was all oral and no sex. Either way there has to be a balance of the two.

 

I think I would look at the bedroom for the answer and then you will never hear him say.. " I shouldn't have to tell you" again.

 

 

Just a thought....

 

giggy

[StartingAgain]

Oh but am I qualified to answer this one! It sounds as if you are doing far more for your husband than my wife did for me. Her idea of what it meant to be a good wife was to keep the house clean and have sex on occasion. There was no romance at all. She never touched me, hugged me, kissed me, or showed she had any more regard for me than a roommate. She said all that huggy-kissy, emotional needs stuff was for teenagers. In fact the last time she even called me by name was during our wedding ceremony eight years ago.

 

I do not, do not, do not agree with your H's stupid idea that "he shouldn't have to tell you." He most assuredly does. Men can't stand it when women expect us to read their minds and we shouldn't require it of them. If he's unhappy about something in your relationship, it is his responsibility - and in his best interest - to tell you exactly what's making him unhappy. Otherwise, whre are you to start. Don't let him get away with this little boy BS.

 

But let me tell you a bit about male psychology and our emotional needs in general. Men express and seek intimacy differently. To a woman, holding hands, hugging and kissing, being told you're loved and feeling that your man is protecting you goes a long way toward making you actually feel loved. This isn't quite the same for men. We need to know that our partner respects us, that she appreciates how hard we work, we like to be asked our opinion. We love to fix things and if a woman asks us to help her with a problem, we'll be thrilled to help. Just remember that men are pragmatic; we go straight to the heart of a problem. If you want someone to just hear you our and give you support, go to a woman. Hugs and cards and kisses are great, but do you do things to demonstrate how you feel about him? Are you enthusiastic about doing these things. Do you plan special evenings for him? Do you often take the lead and seduce and make love to him, rather than letting him be the one to initiate? Do you let him know that you need him? forget the modern feminist notion that you shouldn't *need* a man. You do need him, he's your husband; make sure he knows it. Some will roll their eyes at this one, but it is nonetheless true: men need their egos stroked occasionally. Tell him how good lookinghe is. Admire his muscles or ignore his love handles. tell him that you made the right choice; let him know you think he's a good husband. Treat him excactly as you treated him when the two of you were courting. (he should do the same for you)

 

The average American couple spends less than 15 minutes per week talking to one another. You should set aside at least a hour per day for the two of you to talk. This should be time set aside just for the two of you. The kids shouldn't be present. usually it needs to be after he's got home from work and has had a chance to decompress. It won't hurt to show some interest in his work. For many men, their work is a part of their identity.

 

You may be doing some of these things or others already. There are others you can do as well. A warning: a man who is feeling the way your husband is (unloved) is at great risk for having an affair. You've got to defuse this risk now. I recommend Dr. Phil McGraw's book "Relationship Rescue." It's a remarkably good book. If you and your husband read it and take the advice in it, you can make your marriage better. If you've ever watched or read Dr. Phil, you'll know he shoots from the hip and won't let you get away with any of the stupid games we often play.

 

Sit your husband down and talk to him. Be non-judgemental and very supportive. Tell him that you hear him what he is saying and that you want him to feel loved. Tell him that you are going to need his help to make your marriage better. Ask for his help; don't demand it. This'll put the ball in his court. Be patient with him. Men are socialized not to express our deepest needs and vunerabilities. We are terrible at it, but we can learn to do it.