Why would you even consider being the OW/OM?

[StartingOver]

If you are involved with a married man or woman, you may be so enamoured that you cannot see that you are poised for disaster. Why can't you see that someone who would cheat on his or her wife/husband is low-quality goods? I'm not talking about the occasional indescretion, but someone who would emotionally betray the person s/he has pledged his/her live to? If there are problems in the marriage, s/he has a resonsibility to resolve those issues with his/her spouse. If this can't be accomplished, the only moral choice is to end the marriage, heal from this and seek another partner.

 

Ladies, a word of warning: A married man seldom leaves his wife for the OW unless he gets caught and kicked to the curb. Even if he does, if he cheated on his current wife, he will cheat on you too, I gaurantee it. If you are a married woman having an affair with an OM, there is a very, very good chance you are not his only honey. Why should he be faithful to you? After all you aren't being faithful to him or your husband. And there are some tetrribly sick guys out there who know that a woman having problems in her marriage is an easy mark.

 

My now ex-wife hooked up with an old college boyfriend, shortly after we moved to the city we lived in. There relationship had been over for years. We had a great marriage. We had been married eight years. We communicated well, had a lot of common interests, were happy, settled and contented. Until, that is, she accepted his invitation to renew their friendship. I had no problem with this, since am not the kind to tell my wife who she can and cannot associate with. I['ve definitely never been the jealous type. I believed her when she said they were old friends. It never dawned on me to mistrust my wife's judgement or intentions. They'd meet occasionally for lunch or have a nice chat on the phone. I should have seen the warning signs: he had no desire to get to know me and their chats always occured while I was at work, never in the evening. I asked her about this and she said that his wife was the jealous type and would not understand, much less condone their friendship. I suggested that perhaps she should back off on their friendship a bit so that she'd not be responsible for coming between a man and his wife.

 

The two of them started becoming a bit too close even for my open-mindedness. They started meeting in the park or in a local pub in the afternoons for long chats. She started becoming more distant and cold. Suddenly, her interest in sex declined and really wasn't interested in being engaged when we did make love. Not only this, she suddenly started finding fault with me; everything about me was a problem. I started growing suspicious.

 

One afternoon, I came home from work and asked her about her day. She said she'd had lunch and a long chat with her friend. Things were not going well between him and his wife and he need a shoulder to cry on. Their was something about her tone, her detachment, and her manner that was very wrong. So I asked her point-blank if she had had sex with her friend that afternoon. To my horror, she simply responded with "yes." I kept my cool and discussed this with her calmly and rationally. I asked her if this meant that she was finished with our marriage and she said no, she loved me and was just so confused. The next day I asked her to end her relationship with this man and made us an appointment with the best marital therapist I could find. She agreed.

 

We went into therapy and the therapist (a woman) told my wife that I had only asked her to end the relationship with the OM. She, however, was demanding it. She must sever all contact with him for the rest of her life. My wife protested that they had been friends for years. The therapist countered that they were not friends, they were lovers, and a married woman cannot have a lover. That's her husband's job. My wife agreed and called her friend and ended the affair. I thought we'd start the process of healing as soon as she got over the fallout from the affair. But that didn't happen. Instead, she bacame increasingly oppostional and argumentative. She turned everything I said or did into a conflict. I could not win to save myself. She refused to do the homework the therapist gave us, espeically those things that were designed to rebuild intmacy between us. All the while she insisted to me and the therapist that she wanted to remain married, but just needed time to sort her feelings out.

 

Things went from bad to worse. She refused to make love to me. The arguments became increasingly bitter and were a daily occurance, no matter how hard I tried to defuse them before they started. Then suddenly, she announced that she was moving into the guest bedroom. The therapist warned her sternly that she must not do this. She told her point blank that she was destroying her marriage. She didn't listen. So my wife and I were living in an in-house separation situation. This was almost more than I could endure. We continued in therapy, but got nowhere because of her stonewalling.

 

This went on for months. Finally, I told her that if yshe wasn't going to participate in the process, I'd go to the next therapy session alone. She said she couldn't see how therapy was helping, so she didn't want to go. The therapist asked me how long I was willing to go on like this. She said my wifes pattern of behavior was consistent with a woman having an affair. She suspected that she was still involved with the OM. In any event, it was time for a confrontation.

 

I went home and told my wife that it was time for this silly game to end. She claimed to want her marriage, but was actively destroying it. I needed to know if we were going to begin working together to heal or if I needed to give up and move on. I was horrified with her answer: "I filed for divorce last week. You will be served on Monday." So I had the cell phone company pull call records and discovered that she had indeed been in contact with her OM. There were long daily calls. Then I put two and two together and realized that there had been times over the last several months when I could not reach her in the afternoon. I'd always been able to reach her. She was still having an affair. It all fell into place.

 

She bought a house using money I gave her as the down payment. She moved out. She still swore that she and her OM were just friends. But less than two weeks after she moved into her house, he moved his things in. I t seems his wife learned of his philandering and booted him out.

 

But here's what she doesn't know. She's not his only honey. I have some friends who also know him. He doesn't know this, since I've asked them not to tell him. He's the kind of guy who likes to talk up his sexual exploits. he likes to have affairs with married women and manipulate them into leaving their husbands. Once they do so, he towys with them for awhile and moves on. He's a sick, sick man. What my ex doesn't know is that he is currently involved not only with her, but two other married women. In the past year alone, he's had four affairs with married women. I haven't told her and it would be pointless for me to, since she'd never believe me.

 

So that's how if can go if you mess around with another man. My wife thinks she has a great thing going. When she learns the truth, learns exactly what kind of man she threw a perfectly good, happy marriage away for, she'd going to be devastated. He'll just move on to his next victim. She was manipulated by a master.

 

I know one thing for certain. If I ever remarry, I will not allow my wife to have a friendship with a man unless he is a friend of our marriage. She will not be allowed to see him alone, ever. By the same token, I will not have intimate friendships with women. I've learned my lesson. It is simply not appropriate to have opposite sex intimate friends when you are married. You should have that level of intimacy only with your spouse. To do otherwise is to invite disaster.

[shamen]

I am soooo sorry that this happened to you. You obviously tried as hard as you could to have your marriage work. This is still pretty recent for you, as your ex-wife still doesn't know about his other women, I assume. Believe me, you will feel a lot better with time, patience, going to the gym, and being with friends. I know that you're a guy, but writing in a journal is very therapeutic. Are you still seeing a counselor?

 

Please don't feel like your future gf or wife can't have male friends though. There are plenty of people out there who are able to do this without having an affair. I, with my exbf, never once cheated on him with any of my male friends. He knew all of them; this is the key. That you know them.

[sgb145]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Wow...your words really hit home and made me realize I need to end my relationship with a MM.

 

First, in answer to your question, why would anybody want to be the OW? Believe me, I NEVER in my life thought I would be in this situation. Infidelity has been a frequent presence in my life (my father cheated on my mother incessently and my first husband cheated on me) and I have always been very much against adultery. I have been married to my second husband for 5 years, and have been involved with a MM for the last 6 months - most of which have been long distance. I had absolutely no intention of EVER becoming an OW.

 

I met this MM in Europe on a military installation (my husband is active duty and we are stationed overseas). He was in Europe for two weeks for temporary duty. I knew he was married and he knew I was married as well, but obviously that didn't stop us. When I first met him I wasn't initially attracted to him, however after we became immersed in conversation he grew more attractive. Foolishly, I felt like we had "connected", but now looking back I see he took full advantage of an unhappily married woman - he knew exactly what to say to lure me in.

 

While he was in Europe, he called me at least 3x every day, and we spent his last weekend in Europe together. When he left I was distraught, because I knew he was going back to his wife and child. I had no intention of calling him, and honestly didn't think I would ever hear from him again (in hindsight I wish I hadn't). However, he called me as soon as he got back to the States, and we have talked to each other every day since.

 

I recently went back to the States to visit my parents, who happen to live in the same state as he does, and I foolishly went to see him. It was during this time that I became suspicious that I wasn't the only OW (he has two cell phones and a pager for his job, and they were all going off repeatedly). I do realize that I live halfway across the world and it would be way too easy for him to carry on with several women. When I ask him about it he assures me that I'm the only one, blah blah blah, that I'm absolutely the only one he wants to be with, blah blah blah, that he wants me to move to his town and then he MIGHT leave his wife; you know, the typical story.

 

So, after reading your wife's experience with this guy who preys on married women, I have decided to end things with mine. My gut instinct that I'm not the only one has been eating at me for weeks now, and one should always listen to that instinct. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, and I know I don't deserve him based on my actions. In an odd way, this experience has opened my eyes and made me realize I have a great guy who would never hurt me, whereas this MM I've been involved with could, and probably would seriously hurt me down the road. I just hope I'm strong enough to not take his calls when he calls me....

[littleflowerpot]

i never thought i would be the other woman. i never thought i was that "type." i don't condone infidelity. i don't (or didn't used to) have low self esteem. i felt i was together and thought i deserved love and respect.

 

but then i met a man that became my closest friend. i wasn't even attracted to him for the first six months we were friends. then things changed. we became so close and we shared so much. i fell for him emotionally as i'd never fallen for any other guy. to say "it just happened" is a cliche for sure but cliches are cliches for a reason. this did just happen to me. and i made a very, very bad mistake. i gave in to it. i thought this was different.

 

i still can't hold judgement on anyone else involved in a love triangle. i just know for me that i made a terrible mistake that has cost me dearly in terms of the love i no longer can feel for myself. that is the greatest loss of all.