How do you know when enough is enough

[Under_the_Radar]

How do you know when enough is enough??

 

Wife and I have had a rough couple of months. There has been NO infidelity, NO physical abuse, NO substance abuse............there HAVE been some nasty things said on my part due to my wife's actions (but apparently it is ALL my fault and this is something that I need to work through). What it comes down to is that I do not feel that she is acting and behaving like a 40 year old woman (with children) should!

 

She has gone through what I will call a 'midlife passage'. She is looking good, feeling good, and it is obvious that she wants EVERYONE around her to know this. What I am NOT liking is the flirtatious attitude that she has developed over the last couple of months. Could this lead to something more? Hope not.

 

For example, she loves to go out of her way to tell me about the young man at the video store that was MORE than willing to help her find whatever she wanted. My wife is VERY attractive and does not look like she is 40. She could pass (and has) as an 18 year old very easily.

 

The last several weeks have been pretty good, primarily because I have kept my mouth shut........just trying to sit back and see where things fall.

 

This may not seem like a huge deal to many, but to me, she is NOT the person that I have spent the last almost 20 years with. I do not want to through away my marriage but I don't know how much longer I can stand the behavior. What if she decides to act on the attention she is getting from others? What if the flirting goes to a whole new level? What then?

 

Tell me i'm not crazy here............

[worldgonewrong]

You two need to carve out time and communicate directly with each other.

That can save a marriage, provided she's willing to meet you halfway.

Communication and thoughtfulness (without petty jealousy) is always key.

[Under_the_Radar]

You two need to carve out time and communicate directly with each other.

That can save a marriage, provided she's willing to meet you halfway.

Communication and thoughtfulness (without petty jealousy) is always key.

 

I will admit, there was some jealousy there for a little while.......past that now. It just seems that when I expressed my displeasure over some of the things that she was doing, it made her want to do those things even more..........kind of like "I'll show you"!

 

Mind you, I am NOT asking her to live in a cave by any means............her behavior has just been so out of the norm from what I have been used to over the last 20 years. Is this something ALL women go through when they hit 40 and know that they are done having kids? Don't know. It has been pretty frustrating though. I have noticed that me taking a more passive stance on things has really helped as of late.

[pteromom]

I can only speak for myself. I've lost 40 pounds and am feeling great about myself, so yeh, I find myself being more flirtatious and wearing things that show my body more.

 

It's not about other people. It's about ME. I like feeling good about myself, and feeling ALIVE.

 

I have no intention to cheat or even return attention that I get. It just feels good to be in my 40s and feel... ALIVE.

 

It just seems that when I expressed my displeasure over some of the things that she was doing, it made her want to do those things even more..........kind of like "I'll show you"!

 

People in general don't respond well to someone else trying to control what they do. Especially if she isn't doing anything wrong. It's not about "I'll show you!" as much as it is about "You don't OWN me!"

 

Back off. If there is an issue with your relationship and interactions between the two of you, address that. If you need more time, more flirting with YOU, whatever, then tell her. But don't try to control what she does. How she goes out into the world is completely up to her.

 

What if the flirting goes to a whole new level? What then?

 

Then you deal with it if it does. Do you trust her? If so, there should be no worries. And if she is UNtrustworthy and is gonna cheat, nothing you can do to make her change her outward behavior is gonna stop that from happening. She either has it in her to cheat or she doesn't....

[Owl]

If he waits until the flirting goes too far, his marriage is ALREADY in deep doodoo.

 

Flirting outside the marriage is asking for trouble, plain and simple. It's awesome that you feel better about yourself...but don't rely on people outside the marriage to validate that, or it becomes a habit...and often leads to far greater troubles.

 

To the OP...you need to communicate what you've told us to your wife, just as clearly. She needs to understand why her actions make you feel insecure in your marriage, and she needs to understand why her actions are risky. She needs to stop and reconsider what she's doing, and the possible outcomes.

 

She needs to learn about the concept of "boundaries".

[2sunny]

In your prior threads - you expressed concern at one point that she may be up to something... Then - she needed/wanted her boobs done.

 

Sill excessive flirting.

 

Seems she IS exhibiting behavior that is cause for concern.

 

Tell her. Tell her that her newfound flirting is hurting your marriage and to stop it right now! If she isn't willing to stop behavior that is causing harm to the M - then she simply doesn't care enough about you and/or being married!

 

Any married person that truly lives their spouse wouldn't KNOWINGLY continue such hurtful behavior to the one they say they live.

 

Find out if she willing to stop! That will give you the answer you need.

 

If she defends her actions - you have bigger problems than you think.

[Under_the_Radar]

I can only speak for myself. I've lost 40 pounds and am feeling great about myself, so yeh, I find myself being more flirtatious and wearing things that show my body more.

 

It's not about other people. It's about ME. I like feeling good about myself, and feeling ALIVE.

 

I have no intention to cheat or even return attention that I get. It just feels good to be in my 40s and feel... ALIVE.

 

It just seems that when I expressed my displeasure over some of the things that she was doing, it made her want to do those things even more..........kind of like "I'll show you"!

 

People in general don't respond well to someone else trying to control what they do. Especially if she isn't doing anything wrong. It's not about "I'll show you!" as much as it is about "You don't OWN me!"

 

Back off. If there is an issue with your relationship and interactions between the two of you, address that. If you need more time, more flirting with YOU, whatever, then tell her. But don't try to control what she does. How she goes out into the world is completely up to her.

 

What if the flirting goes to a whole new level? What then?

 

Then you deal with it if it does. Do you trust her? If so, there should be no worries. And if she is UNtrustworthy and is gonna cheat, nothing you can do to make her change her outward behavior is gonna stop that from happening. She either has it in her to cheat or she doesn't....

 

Thanks for the post.......probably some of the best advice I have received to date!

 

As indicated in my first post, I have backed off, and believe it or not, it has actually pulled her closer to me. Not sure how that works, but it is working.

 

Looking back, that WAS the problem........I was trying to dictate what she was doing. In our relationship, she has the more aggressive personality where I am a little more passive. Over the years that has worked well for us. You hit the nail on the head.......she is 40 and she feels ALIVE!!

 

Over the last couple of weeks, as I have backed off and celebrated what she is going through, life has been a whole lot easier........STILL not a big fan of the flirtatious attitude though. I am learning to deal with that. That I have seen, nothing inappropriate has taken place.

[Under_the_Radar]

If he waits until the flirting goes too far, his marriage is ALREADY in deep doodoo.

 

Flirting outside the marriage is asking for trouble, plain and simple. It's awesome that you feel better about yourself...but don't rely on people outside the marriage to validate that, or it becomes a habit...and often leads to far greater troubles.

 

To the OP...you need to communicate what you've told us to your wife, just as clearly. She needs to understand why her actions make you feel insecure in your marriage, and she needs to understand why her actions are risky. She needs to stop and reconsider what she's doing, and the possible outcomes.

 

She needs to learn about the concept of "boundaries".

 

Maybe I need to know the difference between flirting and just being friendly. What I consider flirting, she considers being friendly......

 

Many years ago, we made an agreement between the two of us that neither one of us would spend any time alone with the opposite sex.........unless it was a relative. That 'boundary' has kind of softened with her, not so much for me. I have cancelled business trips over the fact that I was going to be going out of state with one of my female coworkers alone. That is how strongly I feel about this boundary. My biggest concern is for my daughters right now. How are they perceiving what is going on? Will they get the wrong impression as I did?

 

As previously stated, I am going to sit back and see what happens. Things have seemed to calm once I started doing that. Very frustrating to say the least.

[worldgonewrong]

In our relationship, she has the more aggressive personality where I am a little more passive. Over the years that has worked well for us. You hit the nail on the head.......she is 40 and she feels ALIVE!!

 

I could have written these words. These aspects contributed to the undoing of my marriage.

[2sunny]

Yep - just sit back and passively watch the wreckage get bigger.

 

You were advised to delay her boob job - did you delay? Or did you just give in to feeding her big fat ego and growing it - and her boobs - bigger?

 

Don't be surprised when she suddenly starts "showing her new boobs" to many people... I've seen it happen - a LOT!

 

Passive is as passive does - you're about to get screwed - and all the while you are proud of doing nothing about it...

[Owl]

Maybe I need to know the difference between flirting and just being friendly. What I consider flirting, she considers being friendly......

 

Or perhaps, SHE needs to know the difference. Why are you assuming that YOU'RE the one who's wrong, just because you're the one who is uncomfortable with her behavior?

 

Here's the thing. Her relationship with you should be the top, #1 priority in her life. If it's not...if flirting and everything else is more important to her, prioritized over your feelings and concerns...you have a valid concern.

 

Many years ago, we made an agreement between the two of us that neither one of us would spend any time alone with the opposite sex.........unless it was a relative. That 'boundary' has kind of softened with her, not so much for me. I have cancelled business trips over the fact that I was going to be going out of state with one of my female coworkers alone. That is how strongly I feel about this boundary. My biggest concern is for my daughters right now. How are they perceiving what is going on? Will they get the wrong impression as I did?

 

Again...why are you suddenly deciding that you've got the wrong impression? You've got a valid concern...how your wife treats her marriage, her relationship with you, and her interactions with others will have a direct impact and influence on how your daughters behave in their relationships as adults. What are they learning from her?

 

As previously stated, I am going to sit back and see what happens. Things have seemed to calm once I started doing that. Very frustrating to say the least.

 

Sitting back and doing nothing is a choice. It's an option you can take...but be prepared to accept the consequences of any choice you make. Doing nothing typically leads to nothing changing.

 

If you are frustrated with how things are right now, doing nothing is the best way to ensure that nothing happens, nothing changes.

 

Good luck. Let us know how this all works out for you, my friend.

[2sunny]

Not to mention her flirting is completely disrespectful to you.

 

Tell her NO MORE! And IF she does it - you are leaving her and her purposely disrespectful ways!

 

When a woman changes THAT much from what she USED to be like - something new is going on!

 

I've seen it a thousand times.

 

My most unsuspecting and VERY "Christian" sister in law started this way...

 

All thru the 20 years married - so devoted, GREAT mother to 4 kids, very attentive to her hubby and his needs.

 

Then BOOM! Needed a boob job! Then ooops, suddenly wanting her teeth fix and whitened! Then ooooops- suddenly needing all kinds of attention from other men to validate that she's is sexy, worthy, and alive! .

 

Then - yep - she was cheating!

 

And her hubby was the greatest and nicest guy!

 

She messed up! But I admire him! He divorced her - she was no longer the woman he had married!

[Under_the_Radar]

Not to mention her flirting is completely disrespectful to you.

 

Tell her NO MORE! And IF she does it - you are leaving her and her purposely disrespectful ways!

 

When a woman changes THAT much from what she USED to be like - something new is going on!

 

I've seen it a thousand times.

 

My most unsuspecting and VERY "Christian" sister in law started this way...

 

All thru the 20 years married - so devoted, GREAT mother to 4 kids, very attentive to her hubby and his needs.

 

Then BOOM! Needed a boob job! Then ooops, suddenly wanting her teeth fix and whitened! Then ooooops- suddenly needing all kinds of attention from other men to validate that she's is sexy, worthy, and alive! .

 

Then - yep - she was cheating!

 

And her hubby was the greatest and nicest guy!

 

She messed up! But I admire him! He divorced her - she was no longer the woman he had married!

 

Sounds familiar..........

 

Regardless, I AM going to give her the benefit of doubt, I AM going to trust her (till she gives me a reason not too) and I AM going to continue to take care of her the way that I have over the years. Let's see what happens.

 

Lord willing, I am not back here in 6 months or a year asking how to end this thing!! Thanks for all the feedback!

[2sunny]

Start answering the questions asked of you.

 

Did she get the boobs done?

[Under_the_Radar]

Start answering the questions asked of you.

 

Did she get the boobs done?

 

Nope..........

[pteromom]

Sounds familiar..........

 

Regardless, I AM going to give her the benefit of doubt, I AM going to trust her (till she gives me a reason not too) and I AM going to continue to take care of her the way that I have over the years. Let's see what happens.

 

I think this is very wise.

 

I don't know your wife and whether she is trustworthy or not. But she IS an adult.

 

There's nothing wrong with communicating your concerns and letting her know how you feel about her actions. The issue comes when that concern turns to attempts to control.

 

As I said, she'll either cheat or she won't. There's no point in worrying needlessly about something that hasn't happened and may never happen.

[pteromom]

STILL not a big fan of the flirtatious attitude though. I am learning to deal with that.

 

The best advice to deal with it? YOU flirt with her! YOU be the one to give her the sideways smiles and lingering looks and witty comebacks and honest compliments. Don't show jealousy and irritation - join in!

 

If you accept and enjoy this new, more outgoing, more confident her, she will feel loved and understood and trust me - you will benefit!

[robf1971]

to tell me about the young man at the video store that was MORE than willing to help her find whatever she wanted.

 

Wow I wonder how she would feel if you told her about a pretty young 25 year old girl who was more than willing to help you choose what you wanted at the video store. My guess is not very good..

[maybealone]

The best advice to deal with it? YOU flirt with her! YOU be the one to give her the sideways smiles and lingering looks and witty comebacks and honest compliments. Don't show jealousy and irritation - join in!

 

If you accept and enjoy this new, more outgoing, more confident her, she will feel loved and understood and trust me - you will benefit!

 

I get a lot of attention from men, but rarely tell my husband about it. The times that I do tell him are when he has done something to remind me that he doesn't think I'm sexy. Sometimes I just want to let him know that other men do. So I agree with the above -- make sure she knows you think she's hot!

[2sunny]

Honesty is best - tell her how hurtful it is to see her changes - and how terribly inappropriate it is for a married woman.

 

I don't even flirt ( and I'm single) UNLESS I really want a guy to ask me out! There is an agenda to flirting.

[Under_the_Radar]

I think this is very wise.

 

I don't know your wife and whether she is trustworthy or not. But she IS an adult.

 

There's nothing wrong with communicating your concerns and letting her know how you feel about her actions. The issue comes when that concern turns to attempts to control.

 

As I said, she'll either cheat or she won't. There's no point in worrying needlessly about something that hasn't happened and may never happen.

 

Honestly, I am pretty sure she won't and hasn't. I DO trust her. She is going through a transition phase in her life. Bottom line, I am at peace with rverything. If something does happen (which I think won"t) I will tackle that when and if it arrises.

[The Blue Knight]

I could have written these words. These aspects contributed to the undoing of my marriage.

 

There is no sure fire answer here. As someone pointed out there are women (and men) who after they lose some extra pounds and get themselves in shape, they feel more alive, rejuvenated, and more attractive. they typically have more energy and more bounce in their step. It takes them back a bit to the exuberance that they experienced when they were younger.

 

If my wife gets some male attention at work or wherever I don't care because I know it's a confidence booster for her and when she feels good about herself I feel good about her as well. But I also trust her and know she's not the flirtatious type. She's the first person to flip the diamond ring in men's faces if they are the least bit suggestive and tell them "taken, sorry!"

 

There are other individuals who are flirting and enjoying the additional acknowledgements and that may lead to something you don't want. It's hard to say without knowing your wife.

[marqueemoon4]

I remember when my exW got a boob reduction (done by my sister who is a plastic surgeon for free). She kept posting pics showing them off. It made me uncomfortable but since it made her happy I didn't say anything. Later I realized just how insecure she is posting all kinds of pics on public forums (her cheesy tattoos, etc). She needs a ridiculous amount of reinforcement from strangers on the internet.. sad.

[The Blue Knight]

The best advice to deal with it? YOU flirt with her! YOU be the one to give her the sideways smiles and lingering looks and witty comebacks and honest compliments. Don't show jealousy and irritation - join in!

 

If you accept and enjoy this new, more outgoing, more confident her, she will feel loved and understood and trust me - you will benefit!

I would agree with pteromom. You don't have any evidence that your wife is doing anything more than enjoying the attention she's getting.

 

Show her you can flirt and be enamored by her. Show her you still think she's beautiful and attractive.

 

Perhaps you guys have hit a lull where she craves this because she's not getting as much attention from you as she'd like. And the fact that she tells you about the male attention she's getting tells me she may be trying to send you the signals to pay more attention.

 

A woman who is trying to make her man jealous is telling you she may feel overlooked and taken for granted by you. I'd act on that. Not with jealousy, but by showing her you think she's the hottie you married 20 years ago.

[Under_the_Radar]

I would agree with pteromom. You don't have any evidence that your wife is doing anything more than enjoying the attention she's getting.

 

Show her you can flirt and be enamored by her. Show her you still think she's beautiful and attractive.

 

Perhaps you guys have hit a lull where she craves this because she's not getting as much attention from you as she'd like. And the fact that she tells you about the male attention she's getting tells me she may be trying to send you the signals to pay more attention.

 

A woman who is trying to make her man jealous is telling you she may feel overlooked and taken for granted by you. I'd act on that. Not with jealousy, but by showing her you think she's the hottie you married 20 years ago.

 

I have used this advice (flirting with my wife MORE than I oridinarially would do) since I wrote the inital post and it has paid dividends, BIG TIME!!! Maybe that was the answer all along! If it was not for the kids, we probably would have stayed in bed all weekend long! Saturday morning, after I let her sleep in and breakfast in bed, I gave her my CC and told her to get out of the house and enjoy herself. Man, did I reap the benefits later!!

 

We had a good talk when she got back, she NOW knows how important boundaries (certain ones) are to me. We will see, but I think that things are looking up!!